411’s WWE Raw Report 7.03.06

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LAST WEEK on RAW:

Match #1 Mickie James © defeated Trish Stratus

Melina and new IC Champion Johnny Nitro make their way to the ring! Trish is still in the ring, Nitro is sporting some new tights. Melina says that was a tough break for Trish. Good comeback match. You were once the top Diva, but that day is over. She puts Nitro over as the only singles champion on Raw. Now, Melina is the new top Diva. Melina says this is the passing of the torch, and she tells Trish to get out of the ring before she flies out of the ring. Trish attacks, but Nitro grabs her. CARLITO is here and beats down Nitro! Nitro and Melina retreat.

Carlito and Trish talk backstage. She thanks him, and knows he has his reasons. He was robbed of the IC Title, and Nitro won’t get away with it. He talks in Spanish a while and Trish thanks him again. Carlito says no problem. She says about his shirt, and whispers in his ear. She swallows obviously. Calrito says that is cool.

Vince and the Spirit Squad backstage. Shane is there and tells them enough. They have been embarrassed and they didn’t get the job done. Tonight they get their chance to see how it is done. Vince and Shane will battle dX. The Squad cheers them on.

Match #2 Umaga defeated Kamala

Torrie Wilson is out to the ring with her dog. Todd Grisham is here, and the new WWE Summer Special Magazine comes out tomorrow with Torrie on the cover. He shows us the cover and music plays. Uh oh, here comes Edge and Lita! Edge says to get out of his ring and Torrie leaves. He knocks down the cover and says he has stuff to say. HE is the MVP of Raw! He should be on the cover, he should be in the main event. And without a doubt he should be the WWE Champion. RVD calls himself champ, and that’s a joke. Cena having a title match is a joke. If he doesn’t get a rematch for the title, then he and Lita will leave Raw! The fans don’t deserve to see him anyway. Screw you, we’re gone! They leave through the crowd. He gets to the concession stands and demands all of his shirts! He takes them and says the fans don’t deserve them and they leave the arena! I think he will go to the parking lot to sell his shirts and 8X10’s.

Maria is with John Cena. Maria talks about the title match, and Cena says she looks good. At ONS, it wasn’t his best night. He could call Torrie and the fans a joke and quit with a slut under his arm. Or. He could suck it up, earn the rematch and go after his title. He has been through a war and took all of the punishment and he didn’t cry. He earned RVD’s respect. Rob, thank you for making the WWE Title part of my business. I am bigger, stronger and more focused than ever. I will take care of business.

Match #3 Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch defeated Val Venis and Viscera

The McMahon’s come to the ring. Wait, it’s HHH dressed like Vince! He does the walk and poses and everything. The wig is great. Tonight my son Shane and I will beat the hell out of dX, but until then, I will ramble incoherently for no reason what so ever. What dX did to me last week was embarrassing, more embarrassing than when HHH pedigreed me, exposing my doughy white ass. More embarrassing then when HBK beat me at WrestleMania. And, it is worse than when, well, than the XFL! DX last week brought me a rooster, implying that I love cocks. Well I don’t, I love great men, pioneers. Just like Dick Embersol, like Dick Cheney, like Dick Clark. What I mean is that I, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, love Dicks. I LOVE DICKS! I love them all, big ones, small ones, fat ones and skinny ones. White, black and an Asian! I can’t get enough dicks. I will be the first to tell you, that anyone that gets between me and my dicks, well then you’re fiiiiired! Uh oh…SHANE (HBK) is here! HIS WIG AND DANCE IS EVEN GREATER! “Shane” on the mic. Dad, I am the product of your semen! It says so on my business card! DAD, I want to support you, because when you die, hopefully not far off, the empire will be all mine! **MORE DANCING!** Son, are you retarded? Son, you see, when I pass, I will not leave my money to you, I will leave it all to my beautiful daughter Stephanie, and the guy that knocked her up. That guy, he must have a bazooka! Shane says no way, if he does, well…WHAM! DAD…this is about dX. HBK take this face and put it up that ass! Dad, gimmie one last shot at HBK. He’s so excited he dances again! “Vince” tells him to stop it and Shane falls. You wanna play pal? You wanna dance? Well then, you and everyone else had better stand back! YES! THEY PLAY THE STAND BACK VIDEO! “Shane and Vince” dance in the ring, HILARITY! HOGAN ON GUITAR! I almost forgot!

The real Vince and Shane come out with their weapons now. Vince says it is about time for dX to come to an end. He and Shane will beat the crap out of them, but not alone. They have some observers to join them. The Spirit Squad comes out. HHH and HBK point to a port a john on the stage. All of the sudden, SHIT rains down from the ceiling. HHH and HBK say, “HOLY SHIT!” And we get a holy shit chant. HHH says it IS Holy shit, just because of Shawn. If we aren’t down with that, they have 2-word for us…SUCK IT!

From his home in Charlotte, Ric Flair joins us. A bandaged up Flair is here. Foley proved that Flair was nothing but right in his book. A glorified stuntman. Because it is easier to fall off a cage or ladder than to learn the fundamentals of wrestling. It is easier to take that bat and take me out, it is easier than wrestling me. These 18-stitches and concussion mean nothing. You said if I had an impact on your career, you would be cleaning pools. You should be, I am a 16-time champion and wrestled every bad ass alive, and you aren’t one of them. The next time I see you, Ric Flair will run you down all night long. Woooooo!

We see RVD warming up and Paul E is here. He says it was nice to offer him a title shot, but Paul is concerned. Rob, you ARE ECW, and this is on WWE terms. This is risky Rob. RVD says he has to beat Cena on his own terms. Who’s the man? Rob Van Dam. There ya go Paul. I got this.

Match #4 Randy Orton defeated Kane

Orton leaves as FAKE~! KANE comes into the ring. Kane gets the goozle…CHOKESLAM on FAKE~! KANE. Goozle…another chokeslam on FAKE~! KANE. FAKE~! KANE crawls to the floor and Kane chases him. They battle up the ramp and another goozle. Chokeslam on the steel stage! FAKE~! KANE is laid out as Kane leaves. Wait, Kane is back and drags FAKE~! KANE backstage!

Back from commercial and Kane drags FAKE~! KANE to the back and rips off his mask! We don’t see his face, but he is bald as well. Kane stares at his mask as FAKE~! KANE runs away.

We get another Highlanders promo. They have been in America for two weeks in those clothes and are now in a bathroom. They contemplate the logistics of the urinal. The one dude that takes a shit in the urinal now has a chilly willy.

Match #5 RVD © vs. John Cena went to a No Contest when Edge return and attacked both men.

WWE Monday Night Raw 7.03.06

We see clips of last week’s Raw, in particular the DX parody of the McMahon’s.

DX is here and they approach the building. They are stopped by Coach and a ton of security. The crowd chants for DX and they ask if they can move. Coach says he can’t because it is a nice night, but it is a short one for them. WWE.com would have told them that they are banned. They say they don’t know how to use computers. Coach says they won’t be on Raw this evening. HBK asks what they ever did to Vince? HHH smiles as Coach asks them to leave. They say no problem and leave. HHH is smiling way too much; he obviously has a plan!

JR and King welcome us to Raw and discuss DX being banned and some of the matches later tonight.

Edge and Lita make their way to the ring.

Edge on the mic: “Mark it down people, the Rated R Superstar will OWN this summer. Tomorrow night I go to ECW…and when I get there I will defeat RVD for my 2nd WWE Championship. And then it is on to SNME where I will defend the title against Cena and RVD. Let me put it this way, RVD is like the Phillies; yeah, he is bland, overrated and has no heart! John Cena, Cena is like the Eagles; he is good, really good, but not good enough to be champion. Me, I am like Terrell Owens; I just want out of here. Make no mistake, this is my summer, even my lady Lita, Lita will beat Torrie Wilson’s ass and show here what a cover girl should be like. Tonight I am involved in a triple threat tag match, and I will announce my partner right now.”

John Cena’s music hits and he is out to the ring. Edge says he is rude. Cena and Edge brawl! Cena clears the ring and RVD’s music hits now! RVD is out with his title belts and a mic. HIGH TIMES~!

RVD: “So, I have this match last week with Cena…and since then, everywhere I go is this talk about how close Cena came to making me tap. That is what they are saying. I guess we’ll never know. What I do know is that I am a fighting champion. **CENA SUCKS CHANTS** Cena, forget about the tag match…you want another shot one on one for the WWE title? I say let’s do it tonight!”

Edge: “What the hell is this? So if Cena wins, my title match will be void! That is not fair to me! I refuse to get screwed.”

RVD: “That’s right, you’ll get in my business anyway. Let’s do SNME TONIGHT!”

Edge: “Fine, I want to win my title in front of these Philly assholes! Mark my words, the WWE champion will be rated R!”

RVD: “Correction, the next champion will be rated R…V…D!”

Outside we see a limo pull up and Vince arrives. Coach is here and welcomes him. Vince tells him to be quiet! He says to tell him DX in not here. Coach says they were here, but he told them they were barred and ran away! Vince says it sounds good to him. Vince says it is a holiday weekend…and then we see a car with a ton of chicks pull up.

Back from commercial with a promo about Batista’s return this Friday.

Lita vs. Torrie Wilson

Lita tells Torrie to hit her…she misses and Lita with rights. Suplex to Torrie and a cover for 1. Wristlock by Lita, Russian leg sweep and float over for 2. She tosses Torrie down and chokes her on the ropes. Knee to the back by Lita. Knee to the head by Lita. Forearms by Lita now and then rights take Torrie down. Lita mocks her and Torrie slaps her. Lita is pissed and Torrie gets a hair pull and clothesline. Dropkick to Lita. Irish whip and a corner splash by Torrie. She goes for the tossed salad…but Lita tosses her into the ref. DDT by Lita and that is all.

Winner: Lita @ 2:35 via pin

Coach and Vince are backstage. Vince wants to make sure DX is not here. Vince says catering isn’t here and his toilet is stopped up. Coach says it is a holiday weekend and Vince says he NEVER takes a day off. Vince tells him to find out what is going on and tells him to leave.

Back from commercial with the Highlanders video stuff playing. They debut tonight.

10-Man Tag Team Match: The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Mikey, Johnny, Nicky and Mitch) vs. Hacksaw, Val Venis, Viscera, Eugene and Snitsky

Mikey and Val to begin. He beats down Val and takes him to his corner and they beat on him. Snap mare by Mikey, boot to the head and a forearm smash follows. Suplex by Val and a tag to Eugene. Rights to Mikey, off the ropes and Johnny blind tagged in and got the kick to Eugene. He covers for 2. To the corner and a tag to Kenny. They all beat down Eugene, and then rights by Kenny. Back elbow by Kenny for 2. Tag to Mitch and a clothesline to Eugene for 2. Tag to Mikey and they double-team Eugene. Cover for 2 on Eugene. Johnny tags in and delivers rights to Eugene. Nicky back in and head butts by Eugene. Tag to Kenny and they mention Gorilla Monsoon, who would roll over in his grave right about now. Snitsky in and he starts to clean house. CRAZY GENE~! Off the ropes and a side slam on Kenny gets 2 as the ring starts to fill. They dump Val, Viscera dropkicked to the floor and Hacksaw is in. They beat him down and toss him. Snitsky gets double suplexed and Kenny and Mikey up top…SENTON/LEG DROP COMBO finishes it.

Winner: The Spirit Squad @ 5:22 via pin

Outside DX is having a July 4th BBQ! They say they are sorry they can’t be there, but they are banned. They decided to drink beer and have a July 4th Bash! They have mini-dogs, Vince size and the DX size foot longs. Some dude asks for 2, and HHH says he has an idea. HHH says he sees Mr. Fuji and HHH has 2-girls take their tops off for the guy. The screen goes black for a second and HBK is back, saying there was no Mr. Fuji! HBK says SS can stay inside, of they can come out there and get the shit kicked out of them. HHH says if they aren’t down with that, they got 2 words for ya…SUCK IT!

Back from commercial and JR says the triple threat for the title is official.

Matt Striker and Rob Conway vs. The Highlanders (Roby and Rory)

Roby and Rory slap each other and Rory and Matt start things out. Head butt by Rory. Corner punches by Rory, kilt over the head and another punch. Tag to Roby, 2nd rope elbow to Matt. Double boots to Conway and a double head butt. Rory gets a weird move to Conway and a head butt by Roby for 2. Rights by Conway and a back suplex to Roby. Matt says he won’t tag in because he is smart and leaves. Rory starts to destroy Conway, Matt tries to sneak in but is ran off. Double Shock treatment, called the snot drop I think and the Highlanders win.

Winner: The Highlanders @ 2:24 via pin

Backstage Candace Michelle is with HHH. She wants to know what is in the truck HBK went into. He says it is the TV truck and keeps sneezing and such. She says OK, but wants to know if it is nice in there. They start to convulse and get all sexually aroused…HHH squirts mustard and Candace is excited as well. Some chick come sup from under the table licking her lips and then another! Her and Candace kiss and HHH needs a moment. I need to go to this party. Fellatio~! Amazing that you could see HHH’s fly up the whole time. Plus, adultery~!

Back from commercial and HBK is in the production truck. HHH, Candace and the 2-chicks go to the truck and HHH and Candace check out their asses. They are amazed by the production truck. HHH says they have cameras everywhere. HHH meets a production guy and intros him to the girls and he leaves his post. They play with buttons and the screen goes black.

King and JR are here now and they say things could get bad or good, depending.

We see Vince and Coach. Vince needs to use a bathroom and is insulted that he has to use a public bathroom. Coach has to stand guard. We se DX and they go to camera 10 and see Vince taking a piss. OH MY GOD GTV IS BACK~! We get the sound effects and Vince talking to his penis. He calls it Andre the Giant. Coach rushes in and Vince pisses on him. Coach tells him DX took over the truck and tells Vince that he is on TV right now. DAMN IT Vince says! They rush out, and VINCE DIDN’T WASH HIS HANDS!

Back from commercial and Vince is in the ring.

Vince: “Last week was humiliating. I stood on the stage with Shane and the SS…and before we could beat down DX…and then…then…from above we were showered with excrement! So tonight I barred DX from the building, but they have stepped over the line. They have invaded my production truck. I have had enough. **The mic starts to cut out on him** He gets another and FEEDBACK! I will ask DX…damn it I know it is you! As I was saying, I will take care of DX. No one will embarrass me. **His voice changes to a chipmunk voice now.** Hello? Hello? That is not me talking! Damn it you people think this is funny? Lower my mic and lower it now. **Deep voice now** There for…I am not Barry White. I sound like Darth Vader. Normalize my mic! **Normal now** I feel better right about now. **Fart noise** THAT WAS NOT ME! THAT WAS DX! They have no respect for me, my family or the business! What DX is, are children.” **Roster sounds now**

They do the tele-strator and it says “I LOVE COCKS!”

Vince: “I find no humor in that! **YOU LOVE COCK CHANTS** I am asking for dignity now.”

HHH: “If you think we can’t embarrass you any further, watch this.”

They air a video of last week’s shit storm.

Vince: “Coach where are you, where is security?”

We see Coach rounding up security, he says he will get them out and they can toss them. He knocks on the door and they open it, sending Coach flying. HBK says, “Hello, anyone?”

Vince: “That is really funny, oh yeah! Let me tell you this DX…it won’t be funny any longer. At SNME…July 15th…yeah, damn right. It gets better, because on that night, it will be DX vs. The Spirit Squad…in an elimination match. So what’s your reaction DX?” **Laugh track plays** “Fine, but I will be laughing after SNME…after the SS eliminates you…then I will have something to cheer about.” **Cricket noises** “Would you at least have the respect to play my music?” **His music plays…and it turns into STAND BACK~!** They play it on the screen again and Vince is pissed!

Back from commercial and Johnny Nitro and Melina make their way to the ring. DX shows repeated replays of Melina’s cleavage and ass, God Bless DX.

WWE IC Title Match: Johnny Nitro © w/Melina vs. Carlito

Lock up and to the corner they go. Nitro says he got poked in the eye, and they attacks Carlito. Off the ropes and a blown reversal and then a RANA by Carlito. Reverse DDT type deal by Nitro into a break dance leg drop on Carlito for 2. Necktie by Nitro on Carlito…Carlito tries to get to his feet and escapes. Irish whip and an elbow by Nitro. Nitro poses…but Carlito with a sick clothesline to Nitro. Boot by Carlito…high knee lift and clothesline. Off the ropes…and a springboard elbow by Carlito. Melina on the apron…Carlito grabs her, Nitro almost hits her and the LUNG BLOWER! 1…2…and Melina is in and stops the count.

Trish is out and attacks Melina! Carlito watches them fight and gets wood most likely. Trish beats on Melina some more and tosses her to the floor. Nitro checks on her and Carlito likes what he saw. I figure a mixed tag at SNME. DX shows replays of Trish running and the chick fight.

Winner: Carlito @ 3:00 via DQ

We see RVD backstage getting ready and Paul is here. Paul respects him so much and no champion has done what he has done. But…enough of this “their ring, their rules” Rob. Forget about that the odds are against us, this scares the hell out of me. RVD understands but he believes in himself and ECW. He has this.

Back from commercial with a deal introducing the Diva Search Finalists. They will be here live next week.

We see Coach all hurting and Vince is here and doesn’t give a damn. Vince says to go and get his limo because he is leaving. He will not be embarrassed further!

Umaga and Armando Alejandro Estrada make their way to the ring. AAE introduces himself, and as he does, we get an ad for DX merchandize and mock AAE. AAE is pissed, and HBK mocks AAE some more.

Umaga vs. Scott Right

Umaga starts the destruction of Right. Slam, powerbomb into the corner, running head butt, running ass ram, AAE gives the sign…ASIATIC SPIKE and 1…2…3.

Winner: Ugama @ 1:10 via pin

AAE on the mic again, and DX plays wacky sounds as he tries to talk. Belching sounds to be exact. AAE and Umaga get pissed.

We see Vince leaving. He gets in the limo and all of the sudden fireworks go off from inside the limo. Green smoke pours out of the limo, and Vince appears all covered in black and green soot. Amazingly enough, his suit is perfectly clean. DX is there with sparklers and flags and say that he should have let them in.

Back from commercial with this week in WWE History, which was the birth of the n W o.

Randall K. Orton makes his way to the ring.

Orton: “What a video package that was! It didn’t do as much for me as last week’s Brooke Hogan music video. 18-year old that is…and um…there is just no getting around it, that girl is hot. Now, it is my understanding on Hogan Knows Best, Hulk will pick a date for her. If things work out my way, you may just see why I am a legend. If you daddy has a problem with that, he’ll find out why I am a legend killer.”

Backstage with Edge. “Well despite the fact that I am unprepared, I will give Philly something they haven’t had in 23-years…a champion.”

Back from commercial as Edge comes down to the ring.

Lillian does the super special ring announcing. There is no DQ’s or count outs by the way, pins or submissions only.

WWE Title Match: RVD © vs. John Cena vs. Edge w/Lita

They stare down and then Cena attacks Edge. RVD joins him and then they argue over who will beat him down! Kicks by RVD to Edge, then forearms and kicks. Cena with an Irish whip and RVD with a running kick to Edge. Cena watches on, and then gets the cradle suplex to Edge. Anything you can do I can do better! They toss Edge to the floor and Lita checks on him as they stare down and we head to a commercial @ 1:55.

Back from commercial @ 4:40 as RVD drops Cena with a kick. Edge is on the floor still, and Cena is set on the top rope. RVD up, but Edge runs in, knocks Cena off and covers RVD for 2. RVD for a roll up for 2. Kicks to Edge, cartwheel into the moonsault for 2. Off the ropes and Cena trips up Edge and tosses him to the steps. RVD flies with a plancha onto Cena! In the ring and RVD covers for 2. Cena tries an FU, RVD escapes and Edge levels him with a clothesline. Cena had Edge…suplex as RVD comes off the top and about kills Edge. Double slam on RVD, and then Edge and Cena clothesline each other. All three men are down now as the ref counts. They get to their knees and battle with punches. To their feet and RVD with kicks and knocks both men down. Irish whip to Edge, reversal and RVD is tossed to the floor. Cena with a clothesline to Edge. Shoulder block and another! PROTO BOMB! 5-knuckle shuffle time…off the ropes…and connects. He calls for the FU…grabs Edge…he grabs the ropes and Cena tosses him to the floor. Lita in with a chair…Cena has her…FU on Lita! RVD in…VAN DAMNINATOR! RVD goes up top…MISSES THE ***** FROG SPALSH! Edge tries to get to his feet, FU by Cena! Edge is in and LAYS out Cena with the title! He covers RVD…1…2…3 and just like that RVD’s title run is up in smoke!

Winner: and NEW WWE CHAMPION EDGE @ 11:25 via pin

Edge celebrates with the title and then ignores Lita!

Edge finally checks on Lita and they leave and celebrate.

We get replays of how Edge won the title and then see a pissed off Cena and RVD who looks like he is about to cry.

Remember, send your feedback on the show to me for the 3R’s column this Friday!