CHIKARA Review: Dead Men Don’t Laugh

Easton, PA – 3.21.2010

Gavin Loudspeaker is the ring announcer for the CHIKARA guys, and Jakob Hammermeier is the ring announcer for the Brüderschaft members. Commentary is provided by Bryce Remsburg, Leonard F. Chikarason, Colin Delaney, Gavin Loudspeaker, Steve “The Turtle” Weiner Ultramantis Black.

3.0. is backstage. Jagged admits his real name isn’t Jagged, but rather it’s Scott Parker. Matthews is confused because it’s apparently on his birth certificate and driver’s license. He does claim Jagged is his middle name so he’ll continue to be somewhat called that. Matthews says they need to get new gear and they need to win to go to the pay window to buy that new gear. They say since the Order has a lot on their minds they’ll take advantage of that.

3.0 (Scott “Jagged” Parker & Shane Matthews) vs.The Order of the Neo-Solar Temple (Ultramantis Black & Crossbones)

Jagged says the same stuff about the pay window for the live crowd. The Order attack 3.0 from behind to start. 3.0 ducks a pair of clotheslines and gives them Dusty punches and elbow. They both beat on Crossbones failing to knock him down until hitting a tandem side Russian leg sweep for two. Mantis beats on Jagged in the corner. Jagged comes back with a diving elbow. Jagged gets dropped neck first on the top rope and Crossbones clothesline him. The Order cut off Jagged from his corner and give him the ol’ Rudo beat down. Jagged hops out of the corner and gives Mantis a step-up enzugiri. Matthews gets the tag and dropkicks Mantis to the floor. Matthews gives Crossbones a headscissors. Matthews boots Crossbones and sunset flips him. Jagged dropkicks Crossbones for the assist and Matthews pins Crossbones at 4:58. Diggin’ 3.0 again as I really missed them when the Badd Boyz were around. Hopefully they challenge for the Campeones de Parejas sooner rather than later. This was short though, so not much to say otherwise. ¾*

Pinkie Sanchez is backstage talking about how ridiculous the fans are for believing in time travel, robots, and Carpenter Ant’s. He says the war is going to end soon and the hero’s of the fans like Equinox will be faded memories and people like himself will be rising to the top of the wrestling business. Yeah we’ll see about that.

Equinox vs. Pinkie “Pink Ant” Sanchez

Sanchez attacks Equinox as Bryce is checking him for foreign objects. Equinox comes back with some chops and forearms. Sanchez goes to the floor and Equinox follows with a hard overhand chop to Sanchez’s back. Sanchez desperately tries to escape the chops but gets chopped so hard he goes into the crowd. In the ring, Sanchez kisses Equinox’s boot to say sorry but Equinox stomps on his head. Sanchez comes back by poking Equinox in the eyes. Sanchez kicks Equinox in the back of head and chokes him on the ropes. Sanchez rakes Equinox’s face on the top rope. Equinox lays in a chop but gets tripped as he comes off the ropes. Equinox chops Sanchez on the mat and Sanchez gives him a posterior strike. Sanchez backdrops Equinox for two. Sanchez nails Equinox with some European uppercuts and a dragon screw. Sanchez stomps on Equinox and gives him a low dropkick for two. Sanchez puts a claw on Equinox’s shoulder. Sanchez elbows Equinox in the corner. Equinox fires back with some punches and chops. Equinox nails Sanchez with a couple patented right hands. Sanchez goes to the floor and Equinox follows with a dive. Equinox throws Sanchez back in and heads up top. He nails Sanchez with the missile dropkick for two. Equinox gives Sanchez a low hurricanarana and locks on the CHIKARA Special. Sanchez gets his foot on the bottom rope to escape. Equinox chops Sanchez in the corner and Sanchez responds with some headbutts. Equinox goes unphased and places Sanchez up top. Sanchez crotches Equinox on the top rope and double stomps him in a tree of woe position. Equinox kicks out of a pin. Equinox tries an Overbomb. Sanchez responds with a SICK DDT for two. Sanchez locks Equinox in an arm-trap headlock submission. Equinox escapes and lights up Sanchez with more chops in the corner. Equinox gives Sanchez an Overbomb and turns him over for a two count. Sanchez turns Equinox’s mask around and gives him a spinwheel kick. Sanchez drops Equinox with the Burning Snicklefritz for the pin at 11:41. This was good but took quite a long time to get out of first gear. The stuff from the disgusting DDT (in a good way) that Sanchez hit forward was quite good. **1/2

Dasher Hatfield vs. STIGMA

Dasher is still nursing his hand from last night. STIGMA asks for a handshake and Hatfield doesn’t fall for it. Hatfield gives STIGMA a couple clothesline. STIGMA doesn’t budge. Hatfield knocks STIGMA down with a crossbody. STIGMA gives Hatfield’s hand a code breaker. STIGMA drops a knee on his hand and Hatfield goes to the floor. STIGMA follows and works over Hatfield’s hand. In the ring, STIGMA chops Hatfield in the back and continues targeting his hand. STIGMA facewashes Hatfield in the corner and then kicks his hand. STIGMA continues to target Hatfield’shand. STIGMA snapmares Hatfield into a chinlock. STIGMA chops Hatfield in the corner and boots him in the gut. Hatfield goes up and over STIGMA in the corner and gives STIGMA the Russian Sickle. Hatfield baseball slides STIGMA’s legs out and then gives him a sliding kick for two. Hatfield mares STIGMA and gives him an Atomic drop. Hatfield follows with a flipping neckbreaker for two. Hatfield looks for the Grand Slam but STIGMA rolls Hatfield off. STIGMA trips Hatfield by his hair. STIGMA hits a top rope splash for two. Hatfield victory rolls STIGMA but fails. STIGMA drops Hatfield with the Stigmata for the pin at 8:03. Finally, the UnStable win a match of sorts! This was pretty worthless and at times sloppy, unfortunately. No real worth in watching it. *

The Colony (Fire Ant, Soldier Ant, & Green Ant) vs. The Brüderschaft (Tim Donst, Sara Del Rey, & Daizee Haze)

Haze and Sara attack the Colony at the bell and trap Green Ant in the ring. Donst hits him with a back elbow. Donst attacks Green Ant in the corner, and suplexes him back first in the corner as well. Fire Ant rolls in with a fireman’s carry and a forearm. Donst knees him in the gut but Fire Ant drops him with a dropkick to the forehead. Fire Ant and Soldier Ant hit a double hip toss and a senton/headbutt combination for two. Sara and Haze attack Fire Ant. The BDK isolate Fire Ant from the rest of the Colony, concentrating on his arm and lower back. Haze tries to suplex Sara on Fire Ant, but Fire Ant gets his knees up. He rolls to the floor to tag in Soldier Ant. Soldier Ant refuses to hit Haze, but yet has no problem dropping Sara with a Samoan Drop. Soldier Ant reconsiders but Haze salutes him. She tries the Mind Trip after a chop. Soldier Ant blocks it and makes Haze give Sara a hurricanrana to the floor. Soldier Ant dives to the floor onto Donst and Sara. Fire Ant dropkicks Haze to the floor. He hits the ropes and Donst cuts him off with a low dropkick. Donst throws Fire Ant the floor. Green Ant small packages Donst for two. Green Ant sunset flips Donst for two then locks in the Clover Leaf. Sara hits a rolling kick to break it. Sara misses a splash in the corner and The Colony gives her a triplet of dropkicks in the corner. Soldier Ant rolls her into the Skayde schoolboy and Haze breaks it up. Solider Ant blocks the Heart punch and knocks Haze with a rolling saluting headbutt. Fire Ant gives her the Yhatzee kick and Green Ant splashes her for two. Green Ant fires up as Donst runs his head into the corner. Green Ant hits a flying headbutt and then a headbutt to Donst’s chest. Green Ant goes up top and Donst crotches him. Donst slams Green Ant off the top rope for the pin at 12:48. Fairly dull trios match when you consider the supposed rivalry between both groups. It felt like there were long moments of nothing happening too. That aside, it was alright for what it was. **

Outside the arena is Vin Gerard. He says he didn’t get Jigsaw for awhile and why people liked him so much. He says it’s because Jigsaw is a suck up to Quackenbush. Vin says he’ll never forget how ugly Jigsaw is and how Jigsaw backed out of his first match as Vin Gerard and how Jigsaw superkicked him Vin when Vin offered him a spot in the UnStable. So much for an UnStable Tecnico turn? Between this and STIGMA being back to his usual Rudo ways I don’t know what to make of the promo with the Osirian Portal from last night.

Jigsaw vs. Vin Gerard

Vin cock blocks Jigsaw from standing in the corner and rallying the fans. Jigsaw and Gerard roll around on the mat vying for the advantage. Gerard taunts Jigsaw to punch him in the face, but Jigsaw instead grabs a headlock. Jigsaw gets out of a headscissors on the mat. Gerard mocks the fans. Jigsaw whips Gerard in the corner. He suplexes Gerard and then comes in with a slingshot double stomp. Jigsaw dives onto Gerard on the floor. Jigsaw hits a crossbody. Gerard blocks a brainbuster and knocks Jigsaw down with a leaping clothesline. Gerard gives him a snap suplex with Jigsaw’s leg hitting the rope. Jigsaw rolls to the floor and grabs his ankle. Gerard brings Jigsaw back in and hits another suplex. Gerard’s offense targets Jigsaw’s leg. Jigsaw comes back with a toreador and an armdrag. Gerard gives Jigsaw a headscissors takedown and an STO for two. Jigsaw gives Gerard a Samoan Drop for two. Jigsaw lays in some shots for two. Jigsaw gives Gerard a double stomp and a dropkick for two. Gerard escapes a brainbuster. Gerard trips Jigsaw off the second rope and locks on a STF. Gerard looks for the 2k1 Bomb. Jigsaw superkicks Gerard for two. Gerard gives Jigsaw a Northern Lights suplex for two. Gerard drops Jigsaw with the 2k1 Bomb for two. Jigsaw hits an enzugiri and the brainbuster for the pin at 9:16. Well at least the teased forever brainbuster was the finish. This wasn’t bad, but was awfully dull like the previous match. **

PGW Championship
Frankie Arion (Champion) vs. Brendan Michael Thomas

PGW is “Power & Glory Wrestling” and is a Connecticut wrestling group. They held a show in a double shot with CHIKAA this evening and get a title match on this show. BMT slaps Arion in the corner and Arion pushes BMT away. Arion gives BMT a couple armdrags and a leg sweep for two. BMT cartwheels over Arion and gives him an armdrag and leg sweep. Arion goes behind BMT and rolls him up for two. Arion hits his chest on the ropes and gives BMT an armdrag off the ropes. BMT looks for a gutwrench powerbomb but Arion escapes. BMT dropkicks Arion’s leg out. BMT gives Arion a toreador. Arion hops over BMT and hurricanrana’s him to the floor. Arion slides out and headscissors BMT into the guardrail. In the ring, Arion hops off the second rope and BMT catches him with a gut buster. BMT wraps his legs around Arion’s mid-section. Arion escapes and gives BMT a reverse hurricanrana. Arion gives BMT some punches and a satellite headscissors. BMT hits Arion, but Arion fires up and hits a bulldog for two. BMT small packages Arion for two. BMT hits a superkick and a Falcon Arrow for two. Arion rolls BMT into a cross arm breaker. BMT gets his foot on the rope to escape. Arion kicks BMT in the chest. BMT responds with a kick and a rolling elbow. He hits Arion with the Touch of Pink for two. BMT locks knuckles with Arion and tries to pin him again. Arion flips into a Yoshi Tonic for two. Arion goes up top and hits BMT with a frog splash for two. Arion hits a codebreaker and a superkick. Arion drops BMT with the California Roll (a Death Valley Driver variation) for the win and retention at 10:35. This was a great showcase match for PGW and was a good way to portray two of their stars. I’d love to see Arion come back for Young Lions Cup weekend as he was a fun guy to watch. BMT looks a billion times better here than his matches with Frightmare as well. Good stuff from both guys and they should be proud to have represented their company well. **3/4

Backstage we see The Osirian Portal. They plan to capture their second point tonight against F.I.S.T.

The Osirian Portal (Amasis & Ophidian) vs. Team F.I.S.T. (Icarus & Gran Akuma)

Amasis does the same call-back session with the fans he did in Easton. Icarus tries something similar and fails. Icarus gets a front chancery after trading waistlocks with Amasis. Icarus kicks Amasis in the back after Amasis gets a headlock. Icarus shoulder tackles Amasis down. Icarus mocks Amasis with some dancing. Amasis then dances and slaps Icarus. The Portal hit the wheelbarrow tackle in the corner, and Amasis hits a spinebuster. Icarus goes over Ophidian and is very proud. Icarus gives Ophidian a Japanese armdrag and Ophidian responds with one of his own. Ophidian hits a spinwheel kick. Icarus goes to Akuma for consolation. Akuma tags in and vies for position with Ophidian. Ophidian comes off the ropes with an armdrag and an armwhip. Ophidian comes through the ropes with a headscissors takedown. Ophidian headstands in the corner, and Icarus catches him with an enzugiri. Akuma kicks Ophidian in the back of the head as well. F.I.S.T. continue to beat down on Ophidian until Ophidian throws Icarus head first into the corner with a headscissors. Icarus knocks Amasis to the floor, but Ophidian tags in anyways. Amasis takes out Icarus with some elbows and a clothesline. Amasis gives him the Twist of Funk. Akuma and Icarus hit a tandem enzugiri spear. Icarus drops Amasis with a Death Valley Driver. Akuma follows up with a frog splash for two. Ophidian gets placed up top but wheelbarrows into a pin for two. Akuma and Ophidian roll through a couple times. Akuma lifts Ophidian and drops him head first onto his knees. Icarus hits an EVO for two as Amasis breaks it. Icarus is bleeding from the nose. Amasis splashes Icarus in the corner and places him up top. The Portal bring him down with the Pyramid suplex for two when Akuma breaks the pin. Akuma sends Ophidian to the floor and kicks away at him. Amasis drops Icarus with a double underhook facebuster for two. Amasis looks to go up but Icarus schoolboys him for two. Icarus kicks Amasis in the head. Amasis elbows Icarus, and Icarus spears him. Ophidian grazes Icarus with double knees. Akuma drills Ophidian in the mat with the snapmare driver. Akuma ducks a few of Amasis’ moves and mocks his dancing too. Icarus drives Amasis in the corner with the Blu-Ray DVD for the pin at 14:20. The crowd absolutely SUCKED for this match and gave it no life. It hurt the mood but both teams still managed an alright performance. I feel like it could have been better but for the lack of reception they were getting it’s mildly understandable. **1/2

Eddie Kingston’s outside the building. He talks about Dorado’s series of matches in 2008 and how he had heart. He says now he hates the fans, which is ironic because back then Kingston’s biggest beef was that Dorado cared so much about the fans. Kingston says he’s proud Dorado changed but he’s with Kingston’s enemy Claudio instead of doing it on his own, like Kingston’s always done. Kingston says he will always dislike Dorado and will always want to beat him. Kingston says all his matches from now on serve as messages to Claudio.

Eddie Kingston vs. Lince Dorado

Kingston grabs a wristlock and Dorado slaps Kingston. Kingston chases Dorado around the ring. Dorado lays in a flurry of forearms when Kingston reenters and then sends him down with a headscissors. Kingston chases Dorado again. Dorado kicks Kingston when he gets in. Kingston drops Dorado as he tries another headscissors. Kingston lays in shots to Dorado in the corner. Dorado bails to the floor. Kingston turns his back and Dorado runs in and gets in some shots of his own. Kingston turns the tide for a second but Lince takes Kingston off his feet with a low dropkick. Dorado gives Kingston a kneeDT and twists Kingston up on the mat. Kingston goes to the eyes of Dorado, but Dorado keeps focusing his attack on Kingston’s leg. Kingston nails Dorado with a couple forearms and a jump up kick to Dorado’s shoulder. Dorado dropkick’s Kingston’s leg out and Kingston smashes face first into the corner. Dorado goes right back to work on the leg as Hammermeier brings out the score card. Kingston catches Dorado with an ace crusher as Dorado comes off the top rope. Kingston lights up Dorado with a flurry of chops. Kingston yakuza kicks Dorado in the corner and takes him over with a belly to belly suplex for two. Kingston lays in about a dozen chops before Dorado kicks out his leg again. Dorado hits a rolling double stomp for two. Dorado gives Kingston a couple superkicks. Kingston blocks the flipping DDT and gives Dorado a shotgun lariat which wakes up the crowd. Kingston drops him with a urinage suplex for two. Dorado blocks a back drop driver and trips Kingston into a knee lock submission. Dorado misses a shooting star press. Kingston peppers Dorado with slaps. Dorado throws Kingston’s fist into referee Bryce Remsburg. Dorado purposely removes his mask so that it ends up in Kingston’s hands. Bryce sees the situation and disqualifies Kingston at 10:31. Strange finish to an otherwise good match. Kingston really should have defeated Dorado, but it works in a way that it still makes it known that Kingston is the biggest threat to the BDK. **3/4

Dorado celebrates, but Kingston gives Dorado a back drop driver and the Backfist to the Future for some semblance of revenge. Kingston then applies the Muta Lock. Pinkie Sanchez and Sara Del Ray come out and Kingston takes them both out. Tim Donst emerges to distract him from Claudio Castagnoli, who comes from the crowd and gives Kingston the Ricola Bomb. Claudio demands Kingston’s respect that he is owed from the season finale. Kingston is left laying as the BDK head to the back.

We then cut to Claudio, Ares, and Tursas backstage. They speak in German with their newly acquired Cameponatos de Parejas talking about their opponents tonight, Team Frightning.

Team Frightning (Mike Quackenbush, Hallowicked, & Frightmare) vs. The Brüderschaft (Claudio Castagnoli, Ares, & Tursas)

The BDK attack Team Frightning on the floor as they make their entrance. Ares and Quack start off in the ring while the other four guys continue to brawl on the floor. Quack nails Ares with a jumping back elbow and double knees. Ares goes to the floor. Hallowicked and Tursas end up in the ring. Wicked lays in the strikes but Tursas nails him with a body block. Tursas misses a splash in the corner and Frightmare is popped up with a clothesline. Tursas feels no effect and throws Hallowicked to the floor. Claudio comes in and Frightmare takes him over with a rana. Claudio stops Frightmare with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Frightmare gets bullied in the BDK’s corner but is able to take in Quack somewhat quickly. Quack cartwheels off the ropes into an armdrag and then send Claudio down with a satellite headscissors and a rope assisted armdrag. Ares and Frightmare come back in and Frightmare takes Ares down with a step-up Frankensteiner. Tursas comes in and crushes Frightmare in the corner with a powerbomb. The BDK pick up where they left off with bullying Frightmare in their corner. Frightmare is able to roll to the floor to tag in Quack. Quack evades a double team from the BDK. Hallowicked dives onto Claudio on the floor. Quack lays in shots to Tursas, and Tursas mows him down with a big clothesline. Tursas slams Frightmare and drops a big elbow. Ares tags in and applies a chinlock. Frightmare hits a jumping neckbreaker. Eddie Kingston is shown trying to come in and attack Claudio. Claudio taunts Kingston as officials hold him back. Frightmare dropkicks Claudio’s legs out and hits a tornado DDT and a standing shooting star press for two. Quack tags in and comes in with a hurricanrana. He back elbows Claudio in the corner. Quack flips up and off Claudio. Claudio nails him with the Sweet Schwinn Music for two. Claudio pops Quack to the floor. Ares misses an elbow drop. Ares blocks the Black Tornado Slam and drops Quack with a spin out slam. Hallowicked gives Ares a step-up enzugiri. Frightmare brings Ares off the top with a Frankensteiner into Hallowicked who gives Ares the Rydeen Bomb. Tursas breaks up the count. Tursas takes over Hallowicked with a chancery suplex. Tursas drops Frightmare with the Boss Man Slam. Tursas splashes Frightmare and Quack breaks the pin. Claudio and Tursas throws Wicked in the air. As he hits the mat, Claudio pins him for two. Ares and Claudio drop Quack multiple times on his back. Tursas slams him for two. Wicked gives Ares the Go Too Sleepy Hollow and a Yakuza Kick for two. Tursas splashes Wicked in the corner. Tursas misses a Vader Bomb. Claudio is hot shotted on the top rope by Frightmare. Quack gives Claudio a dragonrana for two. Claudio runs Ares with a spear into Quack. The BDK hit triple elbows to Wicked on the floor. Frightmare comes in with a dropkick to Tursas. Frightmare tries to fight back but gets a body block from Tursas. The BDK hit their triple team finisher known as the Ragnarok for the pin at 13:04. Really fun main event to cap off an otherwise dreadful show. It’s nice that they ended on a high note and it did a pretty good job of making me forget the other useless matches earlier on. I’m stoked that both these teams are in King of Trios because they work really well as units. ***1/2

The 411: A disappointment is the only way to describe this show. After a real great Easton show, CHIKARA didn’t come close the next night. Most of the nine matches were completely useless and failed to meet any expectations (even low ones). Nothing aside from the last two matches aren’t worth your time and certainly not worth your $20. For the love of Zane Madrox, buy last night’s Easton show twice before considering buying “Dead Men Don’t Laugh”.

Final Score:  5.0   [ Not So Good ]