100 Percent Fordified: CHIKARA I’ll Be A Mummy’s Uncle

Rahway, NJ – 4.14.2012

Commentary is provided by Bryce Remsburg, Gavin Loudspeaker, Leonard F. Chikarason, and Mike Quackenbush.

The show starts with Tim Donst telling a random by-passer outside of the Rahway Rec Center how Hallowicked screwed him. He wants to get the man to sign a petition for him to get another match with Hallowicked sometime in CHIKARA. Donst convinces some fans to sign it and tells them to put multiple signatures if they want to. He tells a younger fan that he won’t get any Christmas presents if he doesn’t sign. He signs “Eat Me”, which Donst thinks is a weird name. Gary from Smart Mark Video won’t sign and points out that a lot of the signatures have similar handwriting. Jakob back talks Gary while Donst collects more signatures. Donst gets in the face of a small child who’s wearing a Hallowicked mask. Donst seems scared of him, but convinces the kid to sign anyways.

We then go backstage to wear Ophidian is talking to Amasis’ mask and holding UltraMantis Black’s staff that he stole in Ottawa last month. He looks into Manti’s staff and sees that it holds the power to unlock his next transformation. He claims that he is the most devious creature to crawl across the Earth and plans to prove it to Mantis tonight. He goes off to hide the staff.

UltraMantis Black vs. Ophidian

Ophidian attacks Mantis from behind before the bell. He pitches Mantis to the floor after stomping him down in the corner. Ophidian gets distracted by a fan in an Amasis replica mask. Mantis takes control using a variety of chops. He drops Ophidian throat first onto the barricade. Back in the ring, Mantis picks up Ophidian by his shirt but Ophidian thrusts his hands into Mantis’ throat. He boots and chops Mantis against the ropes. Ophidian grabs his ribs while ramming his head into his mid-section. Mantis catches Ophidian and buckle bombs him in the opposite corner. Ophidian comes back with a jawbreaker. Mantis ducks a clothesline and delivers a full nelson slam. Ophidian bites Mantis in the clavicle, then delivers an enzuigiri. Ophidian drives his knees into Mantis’ chest. Ophidian comes off the top with double knees as well. Ophidian crawls under the ring. He reemerges with Mantis’ staff in hand. Mantis kicks Ophidian and grabs his staff. He looks to hit Ophidian with it but referee Jon Barber disposes of it. This allows Ophidian to spit black mist into Mantis’ eyes and small package him for the pin at 5:15. I thought this was a good way to officially kick off this feud. The black mist is a nice touch and I believe the first time Ophidian’s used mist since High Noon. I think this has potential to really develop into something fun and interesting. Ophidian makes sure to get Mantis’ staff again before leaving. **1/4

Saturyne vs. Kobald

Kobald chops Saturyne in the corner after breaking a lock-up. Saturyne blocks a hip toss. She sends Kobald to the corner with a headscissors. Kobald avoids a spin kick and spears her to the mat. Kobald drops a knee for two. He puts on an abdominal claw. He spears Saturyne in the corner twice. Saturyne cartwheels off the top rope, only for Kobald to spear her yet again. Kobald bites at her mask. Saturyne slaps him back. Saturyne crucifixes Kobald for two. Kobald slams Saturyne face first on the mat and puts on the Rings of Saturn. He digs his elbow into Saturyne’s ribs whilst doing so. Saturyne gets to the ropes. Kobald drop Saturyne ribs first onto his knee. Kobald slingshot splashes into the ring for another two count. Saturyne leapfrogs over Kobald to avoid a spear. Saturyne crossbody’s off the top onto Kobald on the floor. Saturyne spinwheel kicks Kobald in the corner. She then gives him a quesadora bulldog and folds him up with an kneeling frog press for two. Saturyne goes for a huracanrana. Kobald drops her onto her face. He hits the Demon’s Toilet for the pin at 4:38. In a short time they were able to show off their best offense while also working in a few good spots. I’m actually fairly optimistic about where these two could potentially be in a year. **1/4

The Bravados are back in CHIKARA after touring with Pro Wrestling NOAH. Harlem says Japan made them meaner, badder, and a little bit crazier. He says their opponents will get a little taste of Bravado strong style tonight.

Elimination Match
F.I.S.T. (Chuck Taylor & Johnny Gargano) vs. The SAT (Joel Maximo & Wil Maximo) vs. The Bravado Bros. (Harlem Bravado & Lancelot Bravado) vs. Jack Bonza & QT Marshall

This is both Marshall and Bonza’s CHIKARA debuts. They impressed in the main event of the third “Wrestling is Fun!” show last month, which is why I assume they got this shot. Icarus is in F.I.S.T.’s corner. Bonza goes for a quick pin on Wil to break a headlock. Bonza gets two with a sunset flip. He twists Wil’s arm and tags in Marshall. Wil hits the floor, so Bonza and Marshall throw Gargano into the ring. Taylor dropkicks Marshall and Bonza from behind. Harlem O’Conner rolls Taylor for two. He throws Taylor out to the floor. Joel sends Harlem out. Gargano rolls Joel into a face kick. Joel catches his baseball slide and kicks him from the floor. He then drives Gargano face first onto the barricade. Marshall stops Wil’s dive and powerslams him. Marshall absorbs Harlem’s strikes. Harlem absorbs his clothesline. Gargano tags in, but he and Taylor get shoulder tackled. Lancelot lariats Bonza for two. A double elbow gets the Bravado’s a two count. Harlem hits a dropkick and stares at F.I.S.T. Marshall and Bonza then double team Harlem in their corner. Harlem rolls out to bring in Joel. Joel waterwheel slams Bonza. Wil German suplexes him but Marshall breaks the pin. Marshall nails an enzuigiri and clothesline on Joel. The SAT look for the Spanish Fly. Marshall fights them off and sunset bombs Wil. Taylor schoolboys Wil and holds his tight to pick up the first fall (and a point) at 7:09. Bonza suplexes Taylor for two. Bonza blasts Gargano with a knee strike. Bonza German suplexes him for two. Harlem fisherman suplexes Bonza for two as well. The Bravados double team Bonza. They hit the Gentlemen’s Approach (a tandem Roll of the Dice) on Bonza. F.I.S.T. shove the Bravados to the floor and steal their pin (and get a second point) at 8:45. The Bravados are not happy. They throw F.I.S.T. together which sends them out. Harlem looks for a dive but Gargano hits a slingshot spear. Lancelot cuts off Gargano’s dive. Taylor dropkicks Lancelot to stop his dive. Lancelot pops Taylor into an Ace Crusher from Harlem, giving them a two count. Taylor stops Lancelot from giving Gargano a neckbreaker. Taylor kicks Lancelot into a neckbreaker from Gargano for two. Harlem backslides Gargano for two. The Bravados hit the Gentlemen’s Agreement. Harlem gets a visual pin with a German suplex, but Icarus distracts the referee. Harlem boots Icarus off the apron and dives onto him. Taylor gives Lancelot Sole Food. He DDT’s Lancelot into Gargano’s Hurts Donut for the pin (and three points) at 11:31. That is easily the fastest time in which former Campeones went to accruing three points and a title shot. The Bravados were the one true stand-outs here. It’s clear that Japan did them a ton of favors and helped them progress. Bonza and Marshall didn’t get to do as much cool stuff as they did in WiF but still looked fine. Los Maximos were just sort of there and a bit sloppy at times. Overall a good match, and I really hope the Bravados become regulars. **3/4

Mixed Martial Archie vs. Mark Angelosetti

Archie is the former Archibald Peck, donning an MMA persona in an attempt to show he can be tough and a winner. It’s…totally awesome. Dasher Hatfield is in Angelosetti’s corner. At the bell, Archie throws a barrage of punches and kicks to Angelosetti in the corner. Referee Bryce Remsburg pulls him back and Archie pounces again. Bryce again pulls him back. Archie poses on the ropes. Bryce threatens disqualification. Angelosetti throws some word Archie’s way. Archie puts on a Guillotine choke. Archie had the hold on for such a long time with Angelosetti not giving up that Bryce grows weary. Bryce and Dasher fall asleep waiting for the hold to conclude. Archie notices and releases Angelosetti. He checks Bryce’s arm which only drops two times. Archie turns into a dropkick from Angelosetti. Touchdown goes for a lock-up, but Archie tells him the round is over. Angelosetti is angry as Peck takes a drink of water. Hatfield argues with Bryce that rounds do not exist in pro wrestling. Bryce gets offended and throws Dasher out. Dasher kicks “dirt” onto Bryce and stomps off to the back. Angelosetti gives Archie a spinebuster. Angelosetti sets up for a move, but Archie trips him into a grapevine ankle lock. Angelosetti breaks free. An inside out suplex gets him a two count. Angelosetti misses a frog splash. Archie sets up for his old finisher, The Cranial Crescendo. Instead of going for that, he jumps off the top and then puts on a guillotine choke. Angelosetti picks up Archie and tosses him off. Veronica makes her way ringside. Archie notices Angelosetti making googly eyes with her and begins unloading fists and kicks on him in the corner. Bryce can’t get Archie off of him, so he calls for the disqualification at 10:26. Archie can do no wrong. He was tremendous as a marching band leader and is just as great as a mocking MMA character. I wonder if this has the longevity of the band leader character. All I know is for now, I really enjoy it and the fans did too. He even gives the camera a post match interview as he heads backstage. **1/2

Jigsaw vs. Tim Donst

Last time these two met their match went two minutes. Maybe this will go a bit longer. Jigsaw stomps on Donst’s foot to win a wristlock exchange. Donst locks Jigsaw’s legs behind his knees. Jigsaw sits up and sends Donst to the floor. Donst forearms Jigsaw back in the ring. Jigsaw armdrags him into a low dropkick. Jigsaw looks for a baseball slide. Donst throws him back first into the barricade and suicide dives after him. Donst goes after Jigsaw’s mask in the corner. He twists Jigsaw’s nipples before giving him a backbreaker off the ring apron. Jigsaw chops Donst, so Donst throws him back into the barricade one more time. Donst snapmare slams Jigsaw after rubbing his forearm into Jigsaw’s face. Donst blocks an O’Conner roll. However, Jigsaw manages to snap off a German suplex. Donst sends Jigsaw to the floor. He suplexes him and drops him throat first across the barricade. Jigsaw crotches Donst on the barricade. Jigsaw suicide dives Donst into the front row. Back in the ropes they engage in a chop and slap battle on the mat. Jigsaw catches Donst with a Michinoku Driver for two. Jigsaw back elbows and enzuigiri’s Donst in the corner. Donst catches him with a STO for two. Donst chops Jigsaw as he is hung up in the ropes. Donst runs into the ropes to slingshot Jigsaw into the mat. When he recovers, Jigsaw hits a superkick and delivers a brainbuster for two. He also gets two with a coast-to-coast dropkick. Jigsaw catches Donst with a shoelace in his hand. He throws it out, only to get caught with an Alligator Roll for two. Donst hits it for a second time, getting a two count again. Jigsaw kicks Donst in the side of the head. He hits the Jig N’ Tonic. Donst rolls through for a two count. Donst avoids a double stomp. He catches Jigsaw coming off the second rope with a German suplex. Donst suplexes Jigsaw off the top rope as well for two. Donst looks for a top rope Donstitution. Jigsaw counters with a super brainbuster for the pin at 13:49. Donst continues to impress me with just how much he has improved. Jigsaw has also quietly had a really good string of matches since coming back from injury last summer. This was easily the best match on the show so far and one that made both guys look good. ***1/4

Dragonfly vs. Jakob Hammermeier

Hammermeier trips Dragonfly and puts on a front facelock. Dragonfly escapes. He dropkicks Hammermeier and gives him two armdrags. Hammermeier distracts Bryce Remsburg so he can poke Dragonfly in the eyes. Hammermeier elbows him in the back and chokes him. Dragonfly comes back with a jumping enzuigiri. Hammermeier reverses a crossbody for a two count. Dragonfly backslides him for two. Hammermeier Oklahoma rolls Dragonfly and puts his feet on the ropes for the pin at 2:14. I’m surprised how short this was, but I feel like all the cheating Donst and Hammermeier have been doing HAS to be going somewhere (right?) I’ve been impressed with Dragonfly both in CHIKARA and Wrestling is Fun, so if he is back full time I’m not opposed to it at all. ½*

Gregory Iron says his match with Gran Akuma tonight has been a long time coming. Ever since Akuma kicked Iron in the side of the head at “High Noon” (by accident), Iron’s been wanting this match. He feels Akuma may be overlooking him since Icarus will be ringside as a guest timekeeper. He’s going to stomp Akuma into the ground and show him why he is one-armed and dangerous.

Gran Akuma Trial Series
Gran Akuma vs. Gregory Iron

As stated above, Icarus is the special time keeper for this bout. If Akuma loses this match, he is out of CHIKARA. Iron slaps Akuma instead of shaking his hand. Iron mounts Akuma to throw a flurry of punches. A couple back elbows lead to chops and forearms in the corner. Akuma gamengiri’s Iron in the corner. He rolls him into the Cheetah Swipe for one. Akuma kicks him in the back before putting on a seated abdominal stretch. Iron responds with a neckbreaker. He headscissors Akuma to the corner. Iron gives him a modified Code Breaker for two. Akuma reverses an Irish whip. Iron boots Akuma and comes off the second rope for a hurancanrana. Iron’s jumping back elbow gets a two count. Iron kicks out Akuma’s leg. Akuma lifts him into a release German suplex. A modified Falcon Arrow gets him two. Akuma snap slams Iron. He lifts him up onto his shoulders. He accidentally knocks down referee Jon Barber in the process of giving Iron a rolling Death Valley Driver. Icarus sneaks in the ring with a chain. He clocks Akuma with it and tells Iron to get on top of him. Iron refuses. Icarus’ frustration gets the best of him and he clocks Iron with the chain too. Bryce Remsburg chases Icarus off. Both men recover. Akuma throws chest kicks. Iron Gimp slaps Akuma twice. He goes for a headscissors. Akuma catches him with the Tenchi Crash for two. Akuma powerbombs Iron three times for the pin at 6:47. I hope we get the payoff to the Trial Series by “Chikarasaurus Rex” at the latest. Until we get Akuma vs. Icarus one more time, it’s hard to take a lot of these matches more than filler. I’m ready for Akuma to do something a little more substantial. Although, this one will probably lead to Iron and Akuma taking on Icarus and F.I.S.T. so I guess there is that. **1/4

Sara Del Rey vs. Kodama

Of course, Batiri members Obariyon and Kobald are in Kodama’s corner. Kodama is not happy that the fans are chanting “Sara’s gonna kill you.” Sara kicks him in the back thrice. She then throws Kodama into multiple corners of the ring. That leads to chest kicks in the corner nearest the entrance way. Sara suplexes him for two. She throws Kodama’s head into the canvas. She kicks him in the chest for two. Sara traps Kodama’s left arm while stretching out his right. Sara traps him in the ropes and kicks his chest some more. Kobald gets on the apron to distract. Obariyon pulls the Killer Bees trick by trading places with Kodama. When Sara and Bryce notice its Obariyon, Kodama comes in and John Woo dropkicks Sara. Kobald chokes Sara on the floor while Kodama distracts Bryce. Kodama stretches Sara’s back out over his knee. Sara whips Kodama to the corner. Kobald shoves Kodama out of the way so that Sara misses a Koppu Kick. Kodama dropkicks her in the back. Sara fights off his shoulders. Obariyon gets on the apron. Sara throws Kodama into him. She German suplexes Kodama across the ring. An axe kick and running boot almost get her the pin. Kobald however draws Bryce’s attention away. Kodama picks her up. Sara shoves him off and Koppu Kicks him in the corner. Sara can’t believe Kobald is back on the apron. Sara kicks him down. Kodama gives her a Death Valley spinebuster for two. Kodama is in disbelief. Sara manages to inside cradle Kodama for the pin at 7:53. I can’t tell if this is helping to elevate the Batiri or dragging Sara down to their level. I hope for the former but can’t help but feel like it is the latter. Not that this was a bad match, but it just seems so strange for her to be on this path when she should be the next challenger for the Grand Championship. Regardless of all that, this was good, but the numerous amounts of distractions from the Batiri threw off the ending a bit. **3/4

Eddie Kingston & The Colony (Fire Ant, Soldier Ant & Green Ant) vs. GEKIDO (17, The Shard, combatANT & assailANT)

GEKIDO enter through the side door of the building. A brawl with all eight men starts things off (unofficially) around the ring. Soldier Ant and combatANT end up in the ring. Soldier Ant dropkicks him to the floor. CHIKARA seems to have things well at hand as they continue to fight around the ring. Soldier Ant comes off the top with a flying headbutt to a stand assailANT. Soldier Ant looks for the CHIKARA Special. assailANT kicks his way free. assailANT back elbows Soldier Ant while Green Ant chops combatANT on the floor. Kingston drops 17 on the barricade. Green Ant and combatANT throw forearms. Green Ant dives out onto combatANT and 17. Shard goes for Fire Ant’s mask. Fire Ant gives him a fireman’s carry. Shard hits an enzuigiri on Fire Ant. Green Ant forearms him up. The Colony triple team Shard, ending with a diving headbutt from Soldier Ant. Green Ant slingshots assailANT back in the ring. assailANT throws Green Ant into a gamengiri from combatANT. Green Ant, as he has been in the past, becomes the guy that GEKIDO decide to trap and beat down in their corner. Green Ant rolls to the floor when Shard misses a double stomp. Fire Ant mows down GEKIDO with forearms. 17 pops Fire Ant onto Shard’s shoulders for a powerbomb. 17 hits a one-footed dropkick for two. Fire Ant is now the victim of GEKIDO’s wrath. Fire Ant escapes by shoving combatANT into assailANT. He then kicks combatANT away and tags in Kingston. Kingston takes out all of GEKIDO with elbows. He belly to belly suplexes everyone too. Kingston suicide dives onto assailANT and combatANT. Fire Ant gets Antapuleted onto them afterwards. 17 and Shard attack Soldier Ant and Green Ant and send them out. They attack Kingston. Kingston suplexes 17 and uranage suplexes Shard for two. 17 chop blocks Kingston’s bad knee when Kingston goes for a Saito suplex on Shard. Shard and 17 look to unmask Soldier Ant. He fights them off and give 17 a Samoan Drop. The Colony triple team Shard. Green Ant goes for CHIKARA Special: Green. A series of moves knocks everybody but Kingston down. 17 digs his thumbs into Kingston’s eyes. He rolls Kingston into the Lightning Lock Beta. Green Ant dropkicks 17 to save his partner. Green Ant gives 17 a Michinoku Driver. Shard hits an enzuigiri and a superkick. Fire Ant delivers a tilt-a-whirl DDT. assailANT gives Fire Ant a shoulder breaker. Soldier Ant gives assailANT the TKO. He goes for assailANT’s mask instead of going for the pin. CombatANT stops him with a saluting forearm. He drops Soldier Ant with a TKO for the pin at 15:49. I thought GEKIDO looked a lot stronger in this match than they did in Canada. They looked like they had mastered the movesets of their counterparts and had their number in this match. This match raised my interest in this feud quite a bit. Quackenbush’s commentary added a lot as he explained little nuances GEKIDO was doing. In fact, as GEKIDO exited through the side door, they lauched at Quackenbush who looked quite angry at the commentation station. A fine way to end the show. ***1/4

The 411: This is a weird show for me to rate. If you ignore star ratings, I actually enjoyed this show. It was easy to watch, not a bad match in sight and it hit on every storyline currently going on in the company. Then again, storylines are moreso the reason I watch CHIKARA than anything else. If you're someone who just wants incredible matches, feel free to pass on this show. I liked Jigsaw vs Donst and the main event a whole lot but not enough to say that you should drop 15 bones on the show. Then again, if you're someone like me who's a fiend for the storyline stuff, you may like this more than a "work rate" junkie. Also, Mixed Martial Archie is just wonderful. To recap: If you want matches? Skip the show. If you want storylines? Go for it. You can buy this show on DVD, as a digital download, or On Demand at Smart Mark Video. The DVD is also available through CHIKARA's Store. Be sure to check out all of my CHIKARA reviews at my CHIKARA blog; "The CHIKARA Special" and all the CHIKARA news over at "The CHIKARA Special" Tumblr.

Final Score:  6.0   [ Average ]