RB Report: CHIKARA Stephen Colbert > Bill O’Reilly

CHIKARA Stephen Colbert > Bill O’Reilly
9 December, 2007
Pennsylvania State College

*Although Chapter 11 was supposed to be the last CHIKARA show of the year, the higher-ups in CHIKARA – Bob Saget and Lenny Chikarason – felt bad that they didn’t follow through with the proposed Chris Hero vs. Claudio Castagnoli match due to Lince Dorado’s injury and organised this show very quickly after.

*The show opens with Mitch Ryder walking to the ring, sporting his new hairdo after losing a hair vs. mask match against Lince Dorado. He talks smack against all the pussy-ass college students. He’s going to beat their peer, Tim Donst, all across the ring tonight. In his heart, he wishes that he could beat all of them up.

*The Order of the Neo-Solar Temple (Ultramantis Black, Hydra and Crossbones) vs. The Colony (Fire Ant, Soldier Ant and Worker Ant)
Mantis is wearing boots today for some reason. Soldier Ant and Crossbones start. These two are no strangers to each other, Soldier Ant beating Crossbones just a couple of months back at ‘New Star Navigation’. Soldier manages to control both on the ground and on their feet. BUT, Crossbones busts out CROSSBONES LUCHA~! Incredible. Soldier Ant is not stranger to lucha libre action and lands a headscissors that sends Crossbones to the outside. Fire Ant and Hydra get in. Fire Ant over-powers him. They do a Mexican catapult and Hydra armdrags out of a wheelbarrow. Nifty. The Order have obviously been sparring their lucha with each other. You’d think Hydra was a 150lb man the way he can move, not a multi-ton behemoth. Hydra is sent to the outside and Fire Ant fakes him out of a dive. Mantis and Worker Ant in. Worker Ant is too fast for him. Worker Ant does a poor Shawn Michaels bump in the corner. Well, I think that’s what he was going for with that. Worker Ant is dragged into the Order’s corner and Hydra gets in the pound him down. “The Real-Life Heavyweight Horror” Crossbones gets in and he continues the beating with various big-man maneuvers. The Order have a good strategy of only spending a short time each in the ring with Worker Ant. He takes a trifecta of dropkicks in the corner and Mantis pins, but only gets two. Rapid-fire Dragon kicks by Crossbones. When that doesn’t work, he resorts to choking Worker Ant. Worker Ant looks like he about breaks his neck with a moonsault block to Crossbones. He manages to tag out to Fire Ant, he is a HOUSE ON FIRE~! Get it? Sorry. Wacky cravate-chain involving five of the men. Hydra stunners Worker Ant who is at the end of the chain and CHANNELS STEVE AUSTIN~! All members of the Colony press Hydra above their heads and toss him to the outside onto Crossbones and Mantis. Fire Ant is launched out onto them. BOSSMAN SLAM by Crossbones! Soldier Ant comes off the top rope with a body block, but Mantis, being the veteran he is, has his knee waiting for him. Hydra lands a TOP ROPE CHOKESLAM to Fire Ant! That’s not enough to keep Fire Ant down. All of the Order hit big moves, but they still can’t put the resilient Colony away. The assisted splash by Fire Ant puts Hydra away(12:55).

Rating: ***. Exceeded my expectations. This one was action-packed and had good little stories running throughout.

*”The Unionised Traffic Regulator” Shane Storm vs. Vin Gerard
This is the re-debut of TAFKA Equinox – Vin Gerard. He lost his mask to Chris Hero two shows ago. After being shunned by the rest of the roster, he now comes out from the street and has no entrance music. He’s set his sights on the masked tecnicos of CHIKARA. He’s got a depressed nu metal-fan look going on. I’d be depressed if I listened to mu metal too. He’s also carrying his old Equinox mask. Vin throws his old mask at Storm and rushes him out of nowhere. A vicious beating follows. Storm sends him to the outside and follows. They brawl and Vin pulls him to the ground. He rips at the mask and slaps him. Vin takes it into the ring and goes straight after the mask again, while clubbing him with crossfaces. He stomps Storm into the mat. I’m LOVING this new style of his. He chokes away and locks in a chinlock. Storm busts out a sunset flip and is SLAPPED for it. You tell him, Vin. He pounds Storm’s head against the turnbuckle and hits a SICK hip attack into the corner. The Stormer is taunted. Storm fights to a vertical base and they trade forearms. STORM IS ON FIRE! DDT! Springboard crossbody by Storm gets two. German suplex just PLANTS Gerard. Storm misses THAT JAPANESE MOVE~! Gerard begins lining up the standing SSP, but decides against using his old Equinox finisher, instead forcing to Storm to tap out to an STF(U?)(8:32)!

Gerard leaves again out the back door.

Rating: **3/4. Good match. Vin just kicking the shit out of Storm was doss and Storm’s babyface comeback was cool. The whole Equinox/Vin Gerard thing is great.

*Team FIST (Icarus and Gran Akuma) and Brodie Lee vs. Cheech, Cloudy and Sara Del Rey
Gran Akuma and Lee would make the BADDEST TEAM EVER! In a very good way. Icarus steals a fans replica Big Gold Belt. I’m really looking forward to Del Rey’s interactions with Brodie. I hope he kicks her in the face. MISOGYNY~! Icarus starts things out with Del Rey. She owns Icarus on the mat and locks in a cravate. She’s actually about the same size as Icarus. Cheech gets in, but dives back out as soon as Brodie gets in. Faces should not be hiding from heels, regardless of how large they are. Del Rey and Icarus stay in. Del Rey establishes that she’s better than Icarus in every way. She has his offence scouted an trips him. Icarus goes to the outside and cries. Akuma and Cheech in. Cheech takes him to the mat, but Akuma is also very proficient on the mat. They counter each other hold-for-hold with some strikes thrown in for gold measure. Akuma is sent to the outside and Cheech follows with a tope. Lee gets in with Cloudy. Biggest man in CHIKARA versus the smallest man. There’s nearly a foot and a half difference in height. Cloudy is sent out the ring and Sara volunteers to get in. Lee tries to take her head off with the big boot, but Cloudy gets in the way and takes it for her. CHIVALRY~! Cloudy is isolated. FIST bust out some double-teams that I’ve not seen in about a year from them. Cloudy goes for a sunset flip on Brodie, but Brodie grabs him by the neck and slams him across the ring. Brodie misses the big boot and Del Rey is tagged in. She takes out FIST, but can’t handle Brodie by herself, so Cheech and Cloudy hit tandem missile dropkicks to him. Sara dumps him with a German suplex, but he’s straight back up. Cheech and Cloudy double-team him and Del Rey almost finishes him with another German. Cheech is double-teamed by FIST and Del Rey breaks up a pin attempt from Icarus. The Royal Butterfly only gets two on Icarus. Third Trimester by Cheech to Akuma. PARTLY CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF CHEECH! ENZIGURI/POWERBOMB COMBO! The pin’s broke by Brodie and he kicks Sara right in the face. LIGERBOMB! Brodie Lee pins Sara Del Rey(13:51).

Rating: **3/4. Another good match, but I don’t feel it was as good as the opener. Probably my favourite part of the match was the teasing of Brodie getting his grubby mitts on Sara Del Rey and when she almost pinned him with a sick German.

*”Marvellous” Mitch Ryder vs. Tim Donst
Donst actually attends the university that this show is held at. Donst tries to take it to the mat, but Ryder SPRAWLS~! Ryder stalls lot while Donst taunts him. He trips Donst to the mat and works over the left leg. Donst’s face gets grinded into the mat. Donst can’t mount any offence against the veteran Ryder. Donst is bleeding out of his nose. Ryder attempts to wear him down with a chinlock, but Donst fights out of it and gets two with a sunset flips. Ryder stops this quick and lays the beating back on Donst. Donst comes back with chops, but is laid out with a spinebuster. Mitch climbs to the top rope, but he notices something at the back of the building. It’s LINCE DORADO! The man who took Ryder’s hair! Ryder is not amused and gets rolled up by Donst, handing Donst the victory(6:54). It’s obvious that the feud between Mitch Ryder and Lince Dorado is still not over!

Rating: **. Really basic, but Ryder kicking the crap out of cans is always glorious.

*Los Ice Creams (El Hijo del Ice Cream & Ice Cream, Jr.) vs. The Osirian Portal (Amasis and Ophidian)
Expect lots of incredible double-teams in this one. Amasis and Hijo start. Amasis dances, but gets kicked in the gut. Hijo manages to counter Amasis’ DANCE-BASED offence with his CAMP-BASED offence! Junior and Ophidian in. The snake-like Ophidian bites Junior on the bottom. Shark Boy style! I remember the first time I saw Shark Boy years ago, I ADORED him, obviously foreshadowing the CHIKKY LUV that I get lots of heat for these days. Ophidian control the much larger Junior on the mat and does a KIWI ROLL! Ophidian finds himself in the Ice Creams corner, but can’t keep his momentum going against the both of them. Hijo does nothing except hold him down for a minute. LAY ‘N’ PRAY, BABY! A weird senton by Junior where he dives head-first – probably unintentional – gets two. The awesome double-teams start from Los Ice Creams. Ophidian manages to slip out of the ring, bringing Amasis in, but he falls victim to the ICE CREAM SANDWICH! Hijo tries to rip the mask off of Amasis head. The Ice Creams as creepy rudos again makes me happy. Amasis takes a nasty backbreaker and Junior mocks the way he sells the pain. Been a while since I seen him do that. Amasis dropkicks them both to the outside and follows with a plancha from the top rope. Stereo wheelbarrows into prawnholds by the Portal. The Portal do a good job of keeping one of the Ice Creams out of the ring while they go after the other. The Portal scale opposite corner and do the RVD and Sabu legdrop-frog splash combo and an Oklahoma roll by Amasis finishes Hijo(13:55).

Rating: **1/2. Really decent. I thought it was weird that in the last five or so minutes there was never less than three men in the ring at a time. YOU’RE IN THERE FOR A REASON, BRYCE!

*Chris Hero vs. Claudio Castagnoli
Hero comes out with the mask that he took from Equinox back at ‘The Sordid Perils of Everyday Existance’. Hero’s gear is incredible. Hero swiftly takes things to the mat. They exchange holds very smoothly. Hero tries to take it to their feet, but Claudio takes him straight back down. Hero escapes a Mexican surfboard, gets to his feet, and fires away with kicks to the head. They exchange pinning combinations. Claudio locks the surfboard in. They mix it up lucha-style, but Claudio puts an end to the quick exchange with a slap and a European uppercut. He tries to set Hero up for the giant swing, but Hero fights it off. They fight outside for a little while before going back in and Hero methodically beating Claudio down. Claudio lands a European uppercut off of the second rope. He unloads on Hero. A spinebuster is followed by the giant swing. The rope-walk elbow drop gets two. Hero only gets two with an O’Connor roll and a blockbuster also nearly finishes Claudio. Claudio charges but a roaring elbow rocks him. CRAVATE-A-PLASM BY HERO! Fans are behind Claudio. Claudio fights Hero off and nails the bicycle kick. ALPAMARE WATERSLIDE! That only gets two! Hero manages to counter the Ricola Bomb with a hurricanrana and scores a two-count with the falling suplex. Hero’s Welcome is blocked and Claudio gets two with a backslide. Repeat for Hero. RICCCCOOOLLLA! It’s over(15:47).

Rating: ***1/4. Good, but as I’ve said about their other matches, they went way too slow and technical for a match between two guys who apparently HATE each other. What’s worse is this is the feud-ending match in CHIKARA and they didn’t even go all out. Still, the match itself was really good and technically solid.

*Due to the short length of the show – it was only about an hour and a half – there is a bonus disc included named the “Lost CHIKARA Files”. Although, a typo on the DVD menu declares it the “Lost CHKARA Files”. BUSH LEAGUE! I hope that this disc features something along the lines of Locke and Sayid meeting The Order of the Neo-Solar Temple.

*The first thing on the DVD is a trios match in a little bar featuring the Order vs. Ice Creams and Ophidan. This is actually a pretty good match, but goes a bit too long for my liking. Call it ***.

*Next there’s Larry Sweeney vs. Create-A-Wrestler (before he was turned into MosCow). It’s in-front of about fifteen fans, which gives me flashbacks to the 2004 Reading shows. Sweeney stalls for most of the match and it’s really nothing I’m ever going to remember after I’ve took the DVD out of my player.

*An exclusive Osirian Portal promo. They’re on a quest to the tag team titles, blah, blah, blah.

*Finally, the first Pod-Per-View. Christ, it’s been so long since I watched the Podcast-A-Go-Go that I had forgotten how much of an annoying, unfunny asshole Wiggly is. The PPV has already been reviewed on 411, and the bonus matches aren’t of much relevance, so I’ll save my time and not bother doing my hideous brand of quasi-play-by-play for them! LAZYNESS~!

The 411: Decent show, nothing great about it, nothing bad about it. The opener, Gerard/Storm and the main event were all very good and every thing else is decent. Still, I can't recommend this show to anyone unless they're a big fan. And if you're a big fan, you probably already have it.
Final Score:  5.5   [ Not So Good ]