411’s WWE RAW Report 3.4.19

Ello ello, ello! We are one week closer to RAW Bingo, and although I have tons of e mails (Like 7), ready to play, we do still have some time before the cards are issued, so if you’re into it, here are the rules!

Anyway, let’s get to RAW!

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We start with Roman Reigns, who chills for a good ten minutes before starting to talk. He finally gets to what he wants, and says there is one man in his way – Seth Rollins. He calls out Rollins, and out comes the man of fire.

Before they get to the good stuff, Seth says that seeing Roman stand here last week made Seth think he can do anything. He is going to take that motivation and slay the beast and bring the title back to where it belongs. He does think he knows where Roman’s head is at. He understands what it’s like to give up a title and never lose it, and if there is anyone that deserves a shot at Brock as much as Seth does, it’s Roman. If that’s where he is at, then lets talk about it.

Roman says Seth is wrong. While he was gone, one man kept this place in line, and it was Seth. Nobody has more confidence with Seth than Reigns does. All he has to say about Mania is good luck. But, he needs a favor. Seth says anything he needs. Roman wants to get the band back together, one last time.

Seth says anything but that. Seth can’t forgive Ambrose. Reigns tells Seth that he wants it, and he knows the people want it too. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, life is short, and the most important things are the relationships we all have. He has no idea what’s going on with Ambrose, but he wants one more moment.

Seth wavers for a bit, then says he put that part of his life behind him, but Reigns is right…life is too short. He’s in.

Reigns calls Ambrose out. He comes out to the top of the stage. Ambrose ponders for a second, when from the back, Elias comes and smacks the shit out of Ambrose from behind!

Seth and Reigns attempt to help him stand, but Ambrose brushes them off and slowly tries to make it to the back on his own.

Backstage, Corbin, Drew, and Lashley are standing by with Charley. Drew stops her before she asks a question. He wants to make himself clear; he broke the Shield months ago. Corbin says the real story is that the three of them take on Braun, Balor, and Angle, and they will once again show where today’s power lies. Lashley says Finn is holding the IC Title on borrowed time. Corbin says Angle can’t hang with the premiere athletes of today.

Match 1: Las Basuras en Fuego vs Finn Balor, Braun Strowman, and Kurt Angle
Corbin and Braun start the match and Braun trucks Corbin on the outside so that Cole can make a horrible hashtag joke. He sends Corbin back in and he rushes the corner to get a tag from Drew. Drew comes in and stares Braun down a bit before getting sent into the corner hard. Right hand and w hip to the corner. Braun with a missed splash, but a quick right to the face of Drew. He clubs the shoulder and tags in Finn who flies off with an axe handle. He works the arm, eats a knee, then gets lifted by Drew. Drew backs up into the corner and tags in Lashley. Lashley attacks the back, then locks the head up and goes for a powerbomb. Finn fights off, and sends Lashley to the outside. Finn ducks a clothesline from Corbin and sends him out as well. Finn hits the ropes. Front flip over the top rope to the outside! Drew in. Finn sends him out. Finn hits the ropes, looks to fly yet again, but Lio trips him up on the outside and Lashley takes advantage!

I come back a little on the late side, but Drew has Balor locked up in the middle of the ring. Finn tries to escape, can’t quite do so, reaches for a tag, gets whipped into the corner. Finn fights out of the corner, hops over Dre, dodges a corner shove, and tags in Angle. Angle with a German to Drew! Another! A third is stopped, and Drew forces Angle into the corner, Drew bounces into a third!!! Angle waits, goes for an Angle Slam, Drew lands on his fet, kick to Angle. Back body drop to Drew! He grabs the ankle. ANKLE LOCK! Lashley enters so Angle german suplexes him! Glasgow kick from Drew and we get another commercial break!

Back, and Corbin has – of course – a rest hold on Angle. Angle turns into it with some rights, then shoots the leg and goes for an ankle lock but Corbin turns and kicks him away. Corbin rushes the corner, Angle side steps, Corbin rushes him, but Angle does so again, sending Corbin to the outside. Tag to braun. Corbin back in. Braun sends Drew and Lashley off the apron. He attacks Corbin in th corner, hits a fist to the chest, powerslam to Corbin. Tag to Finn. COUP DE GRACE! 1…2….NO!!! Lio Rush is there to put the boot of Finn onto the rope. Finn chases Lio, but Lashley is there to pick him up and send him into the barricade. Lashley talks shit to Finn. Braun rushes, trucks it, but Lashley moves, and he completely demolishes the timekeeper’s barricade AND Lio Rush in the process! Drew is elated.

Lashley in the ring. He hits Finn with a nice looking spear. Pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winners: Las Basuras en Fuego
Nice spear. Pretty much nothing worth seeing before or after.
Match Quality: *1/2
Personal Enjoyment: *1/2
Total Rating: *1/2

After the match, Drew, Corbin, and Lashley attack Finn in the ring with a hard right hand. They then go after Angle, sending him into the barricade by the ramp. Corbin has steel steps in his hand. Drew holds up Angle. Lashley directs, then helps Drew by sending Angle into the steps faxce first. They grab the bottom portion of the steps and send them into the ring. Corbin awaits nearby Finn. Finn is slow to stand. Claymore kick to Finn Balor. Lashley grabs Balor. He and Corbin chokeslam Finn onto the steel steps.

-yawn-

I’d rather see this matchup:

Backstage, Heavy Machinery is in a good mood, but here comes Charley to fuck it up. We get exclusive footage of shitty tag teams talking shit. B-Team, The Bro Dudes, and Ascension are chatting it up. Conor wonders who Otis thinks he is, but Viktor says he can’t think. Ryder calls him Chris Farley, but strong. Viktor calls Otis a dumb bell. Who writes this shit? SNL?

Otis says this hurt his feelings. Tucker says if this is how they see them, then they will take them all on one at a time. Otis has a tendency to hurt those who hurt his feelings. Tucker then whispers sweet nothings in Otis’ ear.

In case you weren’t ready to change the channel quite yet, Natalya is coming out all smiles to take on Ruby Riot.

Match 2: Ruby Riot vs Natalya
Ruby starts with the offense, dropping Nattie hard then kicking her in the stomach. Ruby sends nat into the corner and kicks her a few times before arguing with the ref. Snapmare from Ruby into a side headlock. Nattie with an arm drag to escape. She hooks, hits a fisherman’s. Nattie with a spinning discus clothesline then goes for a Sharpshooter. We are in the center of the ring. Ruby crawls towards the ropes, but Nattie pulls he rback. Ruby turns into the hold and slaps Nattie then rolls Nattie up with a cradle for 1…2..NO!!

Nattie reverses momentum and gets the pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: Natalya
If this match was gone, would we have missed anything?
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Before Nattie can make it to the back, the music of Lacey Evans hits. She walks down the ramp, gets introduced, then walks back up the ramp.

Backstage, the SNL dudes are here as special guest correspondents. Che gets a CHEap pop. Steph reminds these guys that WWE wrestlers are aggressive. Homeboy says he still has his singlet and he’s a friendly guy, he’ll make friends. Steph tries to warn them again before they leave.

Triple H is here, and he’s muy upset.

Batista is too important to come to RAW, so he cuts a selfie promo. He says he won’t make it to RAW because he doesn’t want to be there. He is not afraid or anything, he just doesn’t like Philly. He says maybe he’ll see him in Pittsburgh. Maybe. We will play this game by his rules until the game is over. See what he did there? Game Over.

Triple h is in the ring and threatens to stand out there for an hour, but thankfully he doesn’t. He says he wasn’t here last week for Ric Flair, he was there for Richard FLEUEAIOUR. Or however you spell it. H jokes he couldn’t make all of his weddings, but he tried. He was there for the worst times as well, like when he buried his son. He says Richard F is a man that, over a year ago, was lying in a hospital bed clinging to life in a coma.

Triple H say we all know why Batista wanted his attention. Batista just couldn’t quit, though. Couldn’t do what he always did when he was in the WWE – QUIT! This is what he does. This time, though, he didn’t quit. He couldn’t. He attacked a 70 year old man instead. Now he wants to pop up on a screen and go Bad Guy 101. He mocks Batista a bit, then calls him original. That’s what this is. Here’s the thing, Trips doesn’t really care where he wants to go or do. He’ll come to Dave’s house. He’ll invite him to come to his house. Does that work? He will go to movie sets, he will come there, name it, every building they go to, Triple H will be waiting for him. Have some balls. Show up. He says that when Dave steps in front of him, he ain’t The Game. It’s not something we’re selling or putting out there. No characters, no name on a marquee. No, when Dave stands face to face with him, he’s lookin at The Man – look him in his eyes like a man, if he can, and tell him what he wants. He will give him everything that he wants. You want his attention, Dave, you’ve got it.

Last week, Steph was left in the middle of the ring with the Women’s Championship. This week, Stephanie is asked about it. Steph says that Rousey disrespected everyone when she laid the title on the mat. It was blasphemy. This is why the WWE will do what’s best for business and drop all charges against Becky Lynch. As of this moment, the suspension is lifted. She’s still not 100%, though, so she invited her to the ring tonight to sign a hold harmless agreement to assure that she can’t hold them responsible when Becky Lynch takes on Charlotte at Fastlane for the currently vacant RAW Women’s Championship.

….

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Match 3: Heavy Machinery vs The B-Team, Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins

I miss 27 seconds. That’s a lot in wrestling time. I come back to Otis getting assisted by Tucker to smash Bo Dallas into the mat. Cover for 1..2….3!!!

Winners: Heavy Machinery

And it looks like this is a gauntlet match of sorts because out come The Ascension. They double team Conor down and pin for 1..2.no111 Tag from Viktor and they double team against Tucker in the corner. Viktor with a spinning kick to te face and a cover for 1…NO! Kick to the back of th leg. Chop in the corner. Uppercut. Another chop. Tag to Conor. Double team with rights then kicks to the gut. Cover for 1..2.NO! Conor locks the head. He is able to escape and sends Tucker into the corner hard. Cover for 1..NO!! Conor rushes the corner and posts himself. Tag to Otis. Tag to Viktor. Clothesline. Another. He lifts up Viktor then tosses him back over his head. Splash in the conrer. Viktor goes down. Otis looks at him, then heads to the 2nd rope. He comes off with a splash and a cover for 1…2…3!!!

Winners: Heavy Machinery

Hawkins rushes the ring nd grabs Otis as Ryder hops up on the apron. Tag to Ryder who comes in with a splash. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Right hands to the face. He tags in Hawkins and they hit a side Russian leg sweep/STO doiuble team. Pin for 1..2.>NO!! Tucker in. Ryder sends him over the top .Hawkins hits the ropes. Otis pushes him up and drops his ass right back down. Otis stands and slaps his arms a bit. He hits the caterpillar and an elbow drop for the pin. 1..2……3!!!

Winners: Heavy Machinery
k.
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Backstage, Che and the other guy speak about being up to date with the product. They say that they’ve seen it all, what could surprise them? They walk by EC3 staring at himself. They then see Titus, who is pumped, and wants a picture with Michael Che. I was just informed that his name is Colin Jost at aroud the same time that No Way jose comes by to walk around Jost and Che. Jost says that they must remain unbiased, and places his Mets hat back on.

Eek.

We get the official announcement that Torrie Wilson is is a Hall of Famer.

Backstage, Charlotte is ready to cut her typically tone deaf promo. She says that Becky thinks she will be the next champ, but even at her best, The Man doesn’t compare to The Queen. Becky was crushed when she was going to miss Mania, but when she is done with her, Becky will be put. On. The shelf. For. Good. Thanks, Soulja Boy Flair. She says Becky is a one-legged competitor in an ass-kicking contest. The good news is the WWE Universe gets to bask in her glory when she becomes the RAW Women’s Champion.

Backstage, Sulking Dean is Sulking. Seth enters his man-made cubicle. He knows they haven’t gotten along, but that’s what brothers do, they fight and burn vests. Seth says whether they are on the team or against each other, Dean is his wrestling soul mate. So look, they got one chance to do this right. Lets…

Dean finishes the sentence, says he can’t do it. He’s occupied. He appreciates the help last week, but he’s got some business in the ring and has to do it on his own.

Dean sits back in his little black hole of solitude.

Elias is introduced, then we go to commercial.

We return to Raw and Elias is already singing about Philly not winning a Stanley Cup.

Match 4: Dean Ambrose vs Elias

Ambrose goes on the offense immediately, but Elias fires back only for Dean to mount and punch. He gets some stomps in the corner then gets held back by the ref. Kick from Elias. Kick from Dean. Dean sends Elias over the top rope to the outside. Dean kicks then sends Elias into the barricade. He runs back in the ring, breraks the hold, and heads back out to grab Elias. He sends Elias into the ring then follow and sends Elias right back to the outside.

We come back to Elias walking the rope. He kicks the shoulder of Dean then stomps him out of the ring. A sliding dropkick to Dean sends him to the mat outside. Dean tries to fly over the to rope, but Dean moves, heads back into the room, and hits a suicide dive to Elias. Dean sends Elias into the barricade then rolls in the ring. Clothelsine. Again. He sends a forearm into the face of Elias. Whip to the corner. Another forearm. Bulldog is escaped and Elias sends Dean into the corner chest first. Elias stomps then drops a knee .Cover for 1…NO! Elias looks for Drift Away, but Dean rolls him up for 1..2…NO!! Neckbreaker from Ambrose. Dean to the top rope. He can’t quite make it, as his back is hurt. Dean slaps himself out of it and heads to the top.

Elias up. Dean flies. KNEE TO THE FACE FROM ELIAS!! Drift Away! Pin for 1..2…..3!!!

Winner: Elias
They are just chuggin along tonight, ain’t they?
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

After the match, Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins come out to stand at the top of the ramp.

They stand there during the entire of the commercial, it appears, because there they are as we return. They walk down the ramp slowly, then enter the ring. They try to talk to Dean, wondering what’s it gonna be.

Didn’t we see this like a few months ago?

Dean turns his back, then leaves the ring. He walks around the ring, heads through the crowd, and up the steps. We get a long shot of Ambrose walking up the steps while Seth and Reigns are watching.

The music of Corbin hits, though, and out comes the leader of Las Basuras en Fuego.

He’s not alone. Drew and Lashley are by either side. Corbin says that this is pathetic. Drew points out the fabled Hounds of Justice, now nothing more than stray dogs fighting for scraps. He tells everyone to shut up. This isn’t quite the return Roman has envisioned, right? He calls them pathetic. Says they wete going to offer them an ooportunity this Sunday at Fastlane, but they don’t’ deserve it so they will end it tonight.

The three circle (triangle?) the ring. They hop on the apron as the crowd chants Dean. Reigns and Rollins go on the attack. Reigns gets Drew. Lshley and Corbin get Seth. They, of course, are able to dispatch Seth and Reigns for a while until Dean rushes down the ramp and hops over the barricade, then attacks! Lashley, Corbin, McIntyre. Superman Punch! Superkick! Ambrose sends one over! All three are standing tall in the ring. Dean turns, sees Seth and Reigns, while Lashley, Drew, and Corbin….stand there? Go to the back? That’s all they had? That makes sense.

Reigns holds his fist out. Seth holds his out next. Dean saunters around behind them. Zordon appears. In comes Dean, and admittedly, the crowd loves it.

Oh, yay, a Tamina match!!!

Match 5: Tamina vs Sasha Banks
Tamina shoves Sasha then hits some right hands. She shoves Sasha into the corner and hits a few knees. Sasha fights out, hits some right hands, kicks, hits the ropes, and eats an elbow from tamina. Cover for 1….2..NO! Tamina with a back elbow in the corner .She tosses Sasha across the ring into the corner Tamina rushes the corner. Sasha moves, hits high knee, running knees in the corner. Another double knee to the seated Tamina. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Tamina goes for a headbutt, but Sasha rols out of the way. Hits the ropes. Running knee. Pin for 1…2…NO!!! Sasha hops on the bac, but Tamina sends her into the corner. Tamina goes for a Superkick. Sasha moves, rolls her up, gets 1..2..NO!!! Tamina with a right hand. She rushes the corner, misses, and Sasha hits a Side Russian Leg Sweep into the Bank Statement. Nia is there to pull Tamina out of the ring. Bayley is nearby but Nia tosses her with NO REGARD! Sasha of the apron with knees!!! Tamina tries to send her in the ring, but Sasha swings with a kick.

Nia is up, Sasha shoves her, she enters the ring. SUPERKICK from Tamina! Pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winner: Tamina
Bro I’m sure she is ok, but there is no way that was safely done by Nia.
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Backstage, Colin and Che are walking. Che needs to use the bathroom, and Colin wonders if he needs someone there to watch his back. Michael leaves as Colin says he’s not really afraid of any of these guys. In comes Braun to call him a funny guy. He tosses the Met har. Colin says it’s great to see him. Tough loss. Maybe you’ll get em next time. Colin says he works out a little too. Some lat pull downs. He jogs. He has a question – is any of this stuff real? Braun lifts Colin off his feet and chokes him against the wall to scream, “WHAT DO YOU THINK?”

WE return to Braun continuing to choke the skinny Miz. Some stagehands and refs are trying to hold him back, but Braun drops him on his own accord and says he’ll see them at Wrestlemania.

Black and Ricochet are backstage getting ready to head to the ring. Charley wants to know what they say to those who claim they are not ready. Black says he is all actions. Ricochet says they are excited, humbled, but also ready. The stakes are high, but tonight Ricochet is gonna fly even higher.

Match 6: WWE RAW TAG TEAM CHAMPIOSHIP MATCH
The Revival vs Ricochet and Aleister Black

Black and Dash to start. Kick fom Black. One for Dawson. Dashs wings a kick to Dawson, and they double team and dorp Black. Tag to Dawson who comes in and hits a kick to Black’s chest. Chop to the chest. Dawson with an uppercut. Snapmare. Leg drop from Scott. Another. Headbutt. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Stomp to the fingers. Scotty locks the head then whips to the ropes. Black hits the ropes. SPRINGBOARD MOONSAULT!

Roode and Gable are walking down the ramp towards the ring

As predicted by so many, we get the turn from Roode and Gable. When return to just a bit more wrestling before Rood eand Gable attack Dash, causing the DQ for the champions.

Winners: The Revival via DQ

Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

After they talk some shit to each other, Roode and Gable enter the ring, then they go at it. Ricochet with a superkick. Black hit the ropes, Ricochet hits it too. They bounce back and do their signature poses.

Stephanie McMahon is here to talk to us. She says anything can happen on the road to Wrestlemania like Reigns coming back, or Ronda dropping her title, in fact, let’s take a look at that.

After a video package, out comes Charlotte Flair. They woo together. Nice to know her father’s beating bothers her minimally.

Steph invites Becky out next. Becky is on a crutch as much as RAW is. Steph announces the match at Fastlane. There is one thing that Steph has to cover, first, and that is for her to sign the Hold Harmless Agreement. Charlotte goads her into signing it, unless Steph wants to just hand the title to Charlotte.

Becky tells her that she beat Charlotte at the Royal Rumble with one leg and she can do the same right here and right now. Steph says she can’t let that happen. She wants Becky to sign, then the two of them can go at it at Fastlane.

Becky signs.

From outside, Ronda is walking tough, going full Julia Stiles.

We come back from a break, and Ronda doesn’t give a damn about her bad reputation. She wants to know what Steph is doing.

Steph said she vacated the title. Ronda says no she gave Steph a week to think about things. She wants Becky included, not her excluded. Now give her her title back.

Steph hands it over. She still has business, though. So, at Fastlane, Becky will still face Charlotte. If Becky loses, she’s done. If Becky wins, she’s in the Mania match. It’ll be Ronda v Flair v Becky.

Ronda says that Steph loves her wallet more than her pride or some shit. She says that she can do what she wants. She values her wallet more than Charlotte and Becky’s frail body.

She turns to us and says she poured her heart out, sacrificed her body, and what did we do? We booed her out of her home. She is done pretending. She is no longer here to entertain us. She would break Charlotte and Becky with a sneeze. She is not our dancing monkey. Damn our fantasy. Screw the woo, Damn the man, no more Mr. Nice Bitch. She knocks Charlotte on her ass then grabs the crutch and smacks Becky before locking in the arm bar on her. Charlotte looks to enter the ring, then thinks twice. Ronda removes her jacket and beats the shit out of Becky in the conrer. Rights and lefts over and over then she looks to lock in the arm bar. She does! Charlotte watches on the apron, with no interest in getting in between Ronda and Becky.

Ronda releases the hold and gabs her title. She steps on the head of Becky and stares down Charlotte. Ronda then punches Becky in the kidneys over and over. She turns, mounted, locks the arm, and gets an arm bar again. She kicks Becky away. Charlotte watches from the ramp. Ronda holds the title up and stares her down.

We are ending early, so we get a recap of what just happened.

We still have time, so we get a Steph interview. Backstge, she says Ronda showed her true colors. She proved that she is the animal that Steph believed her to be. Ronda has no regard. She has no love for Becky, but she feels sorry for her. She is not 100%, signs the agreement, then Ronda just beats her up. Did you see that? Steph is sick. Who does she thinks she is to do that? Steph can’t wait for Mania. Ronda is going to get what’s coming with her.

Does Steph regret her decision? Steph says, if that’s what happens, we will get one of a hell triple threat, or a singles match. She has a lot to think about. AS the commish and as a member of the family, this behavior needs to be addressed.

Crap, I have two more pages to fill and have no content, I hope I’m not stammering while I explain that the show is over but I can’t readily stop until the pages are full. Man, I wish we had a better dude in the 411mania truck to help me cut this show properly near the end and make sure that it doesn’t come off as unprofessional. Maybe I should post a photo or a gif of a hot chick. Like Torrie Wilson. She’s relevant again right? Ok, great, that’s what I’ll do.

Ronda, hold the title up!

End Show