The SmarKdown Rant – November 20 2003

The SmarKdown Rant – November 20 2003

– Well, for those of you wondering when the apocalypse was coming, mark this month down on your doomsday calendar as a potential appearance of the demon spawn, because Scotsman has reproduced. On the bright side, young Mason Ronald Gordon McGaw has good taste in reading materials. Somehow I think the HHH jokes will be lost on him, however.

– Taped from Houston, TX.

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– Opening interview: Vince and Sable’s teenie dress are out to talk about Survivor Series. It was more suffering than he’s ever endured before. Is that counting the conversation he had with NBC after 10 weeks of the XFL? He recaps the match for us and calls Kane his “avenging angel”, which is apparently good for a one-week pass to Smackdown. You get the feeling they’re just gonna keep changing the rules of the split until they find something fans actually buy into? Anyway, he’s powerful, unstoppable, and generally omnipotent, and that’s usually trouble for heels. John Cena interrupts, however. He uses the power of the word to cut Vince down and suck up to the crowd.

– Elsewhere, his Brockness chews out the troops for letting him down. He’s now changing his tune, admitting that he did tap out, as opposed to his stance during the PPV. He makes some matches for tonight (via Heyman) to punish them or something.

– Rey Mysterio v. Akio. Rey goes for the takedown to start, but Akio kicks him down. Rey slugs back but gets overpowered and they reverse into the corner, where Akio springs off, only to fall victim to a ridiculously overdone headscissors. Akio dumps him and gets two back in. He goes to a surfboard but Rey fights out, only to get clotheslined down again. Akio gets two. We hit the neckvice, and Akio sends him into the corner and follows with a leg lariat, but goes up and gets crotched. Rey springs in the buttdrop and a low dropkick to set up a tornado DDT for two. Dropkick misses, however, and Akio gets another leg lariat for two. Rey comes back with the 619 and the West Coast Pop to finish at 5:31. Didn’t really click, but it was a decent opener. **

– Elsewhere, Paul Heyman offers Shannon Moore a chance to step out of the shadow of Mattitude…as a jobber for Matt Morgan. Lucky him.

– Shannon Moore v. Matt Morgan. Shannon tries attacking, but gets dropped while trying a tilt-a-whirl. Morgan headbutts him down and works him over in the corner, using the Nash choke. That doesn’t bode well for his moveset. The devastating BODYSLAM OF DEATH follows. I’m all for back to basics, but this weird trend of big guys using a bodyslam is bugging me. It’s not that it’s a bad transition move, it’s when these guys do it and then just stand there like they did a Tiger Driver ’91 or something while the poor guy has to sell it. Big boot and corner clothesline and he tosses Shannon around and out to the floor. Back in, it gets two, but he picks him up, because he’s a BAD PERSON. The dread Generic Big Guy Powerbomb finishes at 2:54. Was the world really waiting for a tall, muscular guy who uses a powerbomb to finish? Ѕ*

– A-Train v. Bradshaw. The match so awful we needed a rematch to determine if it’s actually the worst I’ve ever seen or not. Train attacks him to start, but gets pummeled with CLUBBING FOREARMS and a neckbreaker that gets two. Train clotheslines him and stomps away, but Bradshaw slugs back. Train comes back with a BIG HAIRY SPLASH for two. Elbow gets two. Bradshaw comes back with a DDT and both guys are out. Along with much of the audience. Bradshaw slugs back and gets the big boot and a corner clothesline (is the same match as the Morgan one?), and he goes up with a “flying” shoulderblock that gets two. Train gets dumped, but comes back with the Mehshugganator on the floor. By the way, for anyone developing a Smackdown drinking game, be sure to add “Michael Cole asks a rhetorical question in place of providing analysis” to the list. That and “Michael Cole says ‘Not for nothing’” without knowing what it means. Back in, Bradshaw cradles him for two and blocks a pump splash, then uses the ropes for two. The Clothesline from Heck is blocked with a bicycle kick that finally ends it at 5:06. Bradshaw needs to change gimmicks again – maybe the Mad Stock Broker to go with the book or something. It might not draw money, but he could sure advise Vince not to buy his own stock. *

– Chris Benoit v. Nathan Jones. It’s like matter and anti-matter colliding. If you could harness the energy of awesome v. not awesome here, you could power North America forever. Benoit evades Jones for a bit to start, but gets mesmerized by his lactating man-nipples and Jones whips him around. Jones charges and misses, possibly tripping on his own feet, and lands on the floor. Brock sends him back in. Nathan uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and a powerslam for two, and I’m shocked Benoit didn’t just laugh in his face for making him sell that for a two count. We hit the chinlock, as Jones is obviously winded from the exertion of clubbing people with his forearms, and Benoit fights free. Jones uses more forearms in a clubbing manner, setting up a sideslam that gets two. He spun around first. INNOVATION! Does being dizzy increase the force to the back? Back to the chinlock. NOT INNOVATION! Benoit fights back, but his chops slip off the milk, so he opts to dropkick the shin instead and set up the Sharpshooter. Jones powers out, so Benoit hits him with the germans instead and goes up. Missile dropkick and seated dropkick put him down again, as milk sprays everywhere and people in the front row get soaked like a Gallagher concert, but Benoit misses the flying headbutt. Jones goes for his lethal finisher, holding the guy in the air while groping his crotch, but Benoit reverses that to the crossface and gets the win at 5:46. Brock attacks, but Hardcore Holly makes the save. His new move is apparently the full-nelson. Has he not seen Brock’s NECK? Holly is arrested for running a guy over while driving drunk on the Nascar circuit in 1995, thus necessitating hiding from the police in the WWF. Okay, maybe not, but it’s more interesting than a guy getting arrested and suspended again. “This is a bunch of crap!” Holly declares, thus making one of the few insightful comments of the show. *1/2 “What kind of champion is this man?” Cole asks rhetorically of Brock. Well, he’s got the WWE title, so that should be your first clue…

– And now it’s eulogy time, as Kane talks about his “brother” (who is apparently dead and people are remarkably unconcerned about that) going soft and no longer being a monster and stuff. They brought him over from RAW for that?

– Cruiserweight title: Tajiri v. Jamie Noble. Noble attacks to start and stomps away in the corner, and a legdrop gets two. He tries a headscissor and gets crotched, and Tajiri kicks him to the floor. Back in, he gets two. Tajiri goes to work on the arm and hammerlocks it, but Noble escapes with a samoan drop. Tajiri walks into a knee and Noble elbows him down and gets a pair of short clotheslines, but Tajiri kicks him in the arm again. Noble blocks the handspring and cradles for two. Tajiri goes back to the arm to set up the Tarantula, and kicks him down again. He goes up, but Noble slams him off and goes for the powerbomb, but Tajiri rolls through it and catapults him into the corner. Noble dives out of there and gets kicked down for two. Tajiri misses the Big Kick, and Noble bombs him for two. In the height of cheesiness, a “blind” Nidia wanders out to ringside with straightened hair, causing Noble to get rolled up and pinned at 4:45. Terrible finish, decent match. **

– Elsewhere, Haas & Benjamin promise Heyman that they’ll make the Guerreros pay tonight.

– Los Guerreros v. The World’s Greatest Tag Team. Big brawl to start and Chavo dropkicks Benjamin down, but gets clobbered from behind by Haas. Shelton goes for Chavo’s knee and Haas pounds on him in the corner to set up a Boston Crab, but Chavo makes the ropes. They work Chavo over in the corner and Haas dropkicks the knee, into the Haas of Pain. Eddie breaks it up. Chavo sends Benjamin out with the headscissors and makes the hot tag to Eddie, who monkeyflips Shelton into Haas and gets the rana on Haas. Benjamin powerslams him, but Chavo gets a tornado DDT, only to get suplexed by Haas. Eddie is dumped, leaving Chavo to bulldog Haas with no backup, and Eddie sneaks back in with the frog splash for the pin at 3:56. Kinda rushed, but man these guys work together like butter. ** Chavo is assaulted by the heels afterwards.

– Next week: The Cat is here. Well, thanks for the warning.

– Elsewhere, Chavo is upset at Eddie’s lack of support. Man, if I was Eddie, I’d start dishing out the tough love and smack the little whiner around until he shuts up.

– Big Show v. John Cena. Has Show even defended that US title in a house show or something? Why did they put it on him? Cena runs away to start and baseball slides Show, but a shoulderblock does nothing. Show pounds him in the corner and headbutts him and steps on him. Legdrop gets two. Show tries a powerbomb and nearly loses Cena, which I’m shocked even made the broadcast. Show continues tossing Cena around and utilizing the clubbing forearms. And stepping on him. Can’t forget that. Cena comes back with a necksnap and slugs away, but Show won’t go down. Show charges and crotches himself, allowing Cena to hit a sad version of the Throwback. Cena grabs a chair, but goes low while the ref gets rid of it, and slugs away in the corner. Show fires back with more clubbing forearms (I feel like Dean here or something) but Cena uses the chain and tries the F-U, only to fall victim to physics and get squished by the dead weight of Show. Gravity is a harsh mistress, to quote a great man in a big blue bug suit. They should have just wrapped it up with the F-U there. They fight out, and Cena gets tossed into the post, allowing Show to take over while sucking wind. Show grabs the STEEL stairs and tosses them at Cena (inelegant, but it makes the point), but misses. The ref gets bumped by Show, who sideslams Cena and charges with the stairs again, but Cena dropkicks him into the stairs. Cena gets the stairs and clobbers Show, but there’s still no ref. Another one comes in to count the pin at 9:25. This was filled with ga-ga to disguise Show’s basic inability to work a normal match without getting gassed. *

The Bottom Line:

The Cena push isn’t doing much for me thus far, since he needs clean wins over established guys rather than beating Big Show with the stairs, but he’s programmed with Vince so they’re obviously gonna run with him.

As for the rest, much like RAW, there was enough solid wrestling to maintain my interest, and watching Benoit forced to carry a slug like Jones over negative stars is fascinating in itself, so this was a good show.