411’s WWE Raw Report 05.07.07

411’s Raw Report 05.07.07

Great Khali wins the #1 contendership and Edge wins Money in the Bank in a busy episode of Raw

WOYAH PAH. Make him humble Sheiky! Make us all proud. Superb string of obscenities from the Iron Sheik there as well. Woyah deserves every single one of them, naturally. Anyone that tries to sue Somethingawful.com deserves everything they get. I know being a victim of several attempted lawsuits myself. While writing for the now defunct football website “Down the Tunnel” some of the more cutting edge and obscene articles caused offence to several people. One of which was Blues guitarist “Big” Walter Smith who tried to sue me for, erm, swearing in a column that contained his name. I think. Also a guy that ran a Leeds Utd message board tried to sue me for “spreading hatred” after signing up on his site as “Super Gooner 1”. They were taking shots at George Graham and there were no Arsenal fans around to stick up for him. Someone had to do it. I notice that despite threatening me with legal action he didn’t ban me from his forum. Ah, the Tunnel. Those were the days.

TONIGHT – There is a major announcement regarding the main event of Judgement Day and John Cena faces off against Randy Orton one on one. WWE.com has a poll where people can vote on who they think should be the #1 contender for the WWE title. Currently Khali is winning in a landslide.

We’re in Penn State College. Smackdown is in Pittsburgh tomorrow. Hosts this evening are Hall of Famers Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler.

Sidenote – I’m in the middle of reviewing a UPW show. Good GOD. If that’s the standard of the feeder guys for OVW then it’s no shock that guys that come from there aren’t too good. I’m think Masters, Heidenreich and even Cena. It’s taken the WWE ages to clean them up. The UPW show in question featured several rounds of a tournament and every single guy that came out was either green or had such a bad opponent that a good match was totally out of the question. The second match in racked up -*****. You could say that no one on that tape was ready for that kind of exposure. So why release it to the general public? I’m here to provide sufficient warning for potential buyers. Rick Bassman, you just made the list!

PROMO TIME – The Coach. He brings out VINCE MCMAHON. Doorag Vince has the ECW title over his shoulder and a new walk that’s weighed down by the ECW belt. Lawler even spots it. Vince is out here not as ECW champion but as Chairman of the Board. He talks about last week’s craziness. He talks about Great Khali destroying four main event stars in one night. He shows us that in clip form. The package makes Khali look like a beast rather than a lumbering, er, lumberer. Vince goes to book Cena v Khali for Judgment Day but he’s interrupted by SHAWN MICHAELS. He says he never got his chance to wrestle John Cena last week and beat him, yet again. Shawn cuts him off again to say Vince has never given him anything. He’s out here to earn his shot. He asks for a match with Great Khali here tonight to prove he’s worthy of a title shot. Crowd digs it and chants “HBK”. Vince says he’s got more guts than brains and books that match tagging on no DQ while he’s about it. The winner gets the title match at Judgment Day. He segues off to talk about the ECW title. This brings out BOBBY LASHLEY. He also wants something. Vince points out Lashley isn’t allowed to touch him or he’ll never get a shot at a title again. Its clip time again as Vince shows us footage from Backlash where Vince won the ECW title. Vince calls it himself. “FUHGEDDABOWTIT”. Vince tries to turn Lashley to the dark side by provoking him into an act of violence. Vince has more footage and WWE magazine has Lashley holding the title belt on the cover. He photoshops Vince’s head onto Lashley’s body. Ohhhh, somebody has issues. Lashley’s silence provokes Vince into putting the title on the line at Judgment Day. Then he adds in Umaga & Shane McMahon thus making it another 3 on 1 match. Lashley wants to demonstrate his hatred for Vince but can’t do it to him. Coach makes the mistake of wondering around in front of Lashley and giving him the “talk to the hand” gesture. Oh dear. Lashley hauls him back into the ring and kicks his ass. I guess Coach wasn’t a made guy so Lashley can beat him up all he likes. Lashley slowly beats up Coach before hitting a spear on the floor.

BACKSTAGE Candice is half dressed again. Mickie hooks her up. They’re up next.

MICKIE JAMES/CANDICE MICHELLE v MELINA PEREZ/VICTORIA VARON

Victoria wants Candice. Lawler wants to book five diva matches every show. Candice struggles into an armdrag and a dropkick. Melina decides to come in and Mickie wants her. They trade slaps. Mickie with a low dropkick. Candice back in and they work at Melina’s arm. Melina goes to the eyes. Victoria hangs her up on the ropes but Candice kicks out. Candice dodges an elbow drop and tags out. Mickie runs in with a Thesz press with fists of fire. Mickiecanrana on Victoria. Neckbreaker for Melina. Candice tags in blind and levels Melina with a spin kick at 2.38.

Winners: Mickie & Candice via pinfall . I know they say that Candice is improving but that’s because she used to be terrible. That spin kick needs a LOT of work.

CLIPS – Santino Marella’s debut in Italy. His first title defence is tonight.

IC title – SANTINO MARELLA (c) v CHRIS MASTERS

Marella has a Nessum Dorma knockoff leading into something more modern for his entrance music. Crowd reaction is fairly positive. Masters overpowers and Marella bounces off him a few times provoking some severe Latin temperament. Marella with some strikes to come back and a flying back elbow leads to a dropkick for 2. Masters clocks him with a lariat. He’s somewhat cocky and doesn’t look to follow up. Lawler talks about the win being a fluke. Masters is highly methodical and gets picked off with some kicks to the leg. Marella with an Enzuigiri and he dropkicks the knee out for 2. Neckbreaker in a quick counter from Marella. 10 count punches but Masters shoves him off. Masters gets run into the post and rolled up at 3.15.

Winner: Santino Marella via pinfall . He’s quite likeable and his brand of striking is fairly new generation (I’m thinking comparisons with CM Punk’s style will be forthcoming).

PROMO TIME – Mr Kennedy. Smackdown’s Mr Kennedy is in the house again. He talks about his bold statement that he made last week naming Wrestlemania 24 as the venue for his title shot. He reminds us the count down is on and he has 328 days to his title shot at Wrestlemania 24. His briefcase is now personalised with the mirror K’s.

BACKSTAGE Maria Kanellis has Randy Orton as a guest. He says he requested the match with Cena tonight. He says no one will remember Shawn beating Cena because he’ll do it in a fraction of the time. He says everything gets back on track tonight.

HIGHLANDERS v UMAGA

This would be a handicap match. Umaga has slightly lost his way of late so I guess they’re building him back up. Apparently this is some sort of crazy motivational tactic from Vince. Umaga kicks the shit out of both guys. Buttalanche for Robbie. Rory gets hauled up by the beard for the Samoan Spike. One for Robbie too. Both Highlanders are dead. Umaga throws one onto the other thus giving us a very unpleasant Scottish 69. Umaga heads up top and splashes both guys for the pin at 1.30.

Winner: Umaga via pinfall . Tag team division? Wha?

SHILL – The Condemned. I guess the WWE are pissed the movie doing fuck all at the box office. Steve Austin calls it a “killer movie”. It didn’t really do any killing at the box office though. Meta Critic has it at 23%. That’s really very bad. 17% fresh at Rotten Tomatoes. Hey, I just don’t like the idea of the WWE making films because they don’t know what they’re doing. It’s the same way I don’t like people who don’t know wrestling doing wrestling.

BACKSTAGE Great Khali walks. His match with HBK is next.

SHILL – ECW tomorrow. Vince is out to kill the spirit of ECW.

BACKSTAGE Edge gets in Mr Kennedy’s face saying he’s on his show. Edge says HE is Mr Money in the Bank. He says he defended that title shot. He calls Kennedy a coward and tries to provoke him into defending the MITB against him. Kennedy says he’ll defend it and walk out of Wrestlemania 24 the new champion. Kennedy does his MIIISSSTEEEEEER KEEENNEDDDDDY gimmick RIGHT in Edge’s face.

#1 Contenders match – SHAWN MICHAELS v GREAT KHALI

Shawn has made a career killing giants so this is right up his alley. Can he even superkick Khali though? Shawn jumps ahead of the bell but gets thrown off. He ties Khali up on the ropes and wails away. Big boot breaks that up. Khali misses a legdrop and Shawn bails for a chair. Khali is still down so Shawn nails him with the chair. Khali is still moving so Shawn hits a low clothesline. Up Shawn goes. Savage Elbow. He warms up the band. He can’t reach on the superkick though and Khali head chops him back down. “HBK” – Penn State. Shawn takes the corner bump and a big clothesline. Khali hauls Shawn up looking for the chokebomb but Shawn rakes the eyes and hauls him over the ropes. He’s got a choke on. Khali falls out of the ring. No count outs either it seems. Shawn hammers away but Khali just throws him back into the ring. Shawn with a baseball slide and Khali looks REALLY slow here. Shawn preps the announce table and tries for a DDT through the table but Khali just throws him off. Khali takes exception to Shawn trying for a table spot and chokebombs him through the announce table. Ref calls it at 6.00.

Winner: Great Khali via referee stoppage . Shawn was doing an excellent job of working around Khali’s obvious inadequacies in the ring there. I don’t see Cena doing the same job.

BACKSTAGE Todd Grisham has the WWE champ: John Cena. Grisham asks Cena how he feels, which gets Cena to name drop Charlie Brown’s teacher, which is how Khali sounds. He says he’ll face anyone anywhere. Orton picked the wrong guy to get his big comeback against. He says it doesn’t matter who you are, if you want the WWE title you have to go through Cena. If you want some, come get some.

ELSEWHERE Cryme Tyme cuts a promo on Mother’s Day. They have a Mother’s Day sale. They’re selling steaks and we cut to VISCERA who they’ve stolen it off. They’re also selling prescription pills, which belong to EUGENE who goes completely insane and runs in a circle on the floor. They’re also selling a hummer, which belongs to Ron Simmons. Cut to parking lot. “DAMN”. “If you desire it, we’ll acquire it”. In comes a VERY fat Spiderman “Tubby Maguire”. Shad calls himself Batman and beats Spidey up with a baseball bat. JTG steals his wallet.

Sidenote – what the fuck? I laughed a fair few times but it was like four ideas thrown together in the hopes that something worked. I’m hoping they’re serious about doing something, anything, with Cryme Tyme. If it’s just backstage antics then at least it lightens the mood.

HARDYS v WORLDS GREATEST TAG TEAM

JR loves Skittles. They’re fruity, fruity, delicious, fruity. Cade & Murdoch join the commentary. They even refer to each other by their surnames. Haas picks off Matt’s arm over the rope. Haas with a Northern Lights suplex onto the arm. Murdoch breaks out the “woodshed” reference. They’re still playing babyface. Shelton tries a hammerlock slam but Matt counters out into an inverted DDT. Hot tag to Jeff. He cleans house and gourdbusters Shelton onto Haas. Low legdrop gets 2. Whisper in the Wind gets 2. Twist of Fate on Shelton. Jeff goes up but Haas cuts him off. Matt tags in blind with a back suplex. Swanton bomb and Matt pins for 3 at 3.42.

Winners: Hardys via pinfall . I hope WGTT get over to TNA and tear the house down over there.

POST MATCH Cade & Murdoch are after a handshake again. The Hardys accept this time and Cade & Murdoch applaud them and leave.

CLIPS – We see Carlito turning on Flair.

BACKSTAGE Carlito is headed to the ring with Torrie Wilson walking two steps behind.

PROMO VIDEO – Kane. Snitsky. Isn’t he on ECW?

PROMO TIME – Carlito w/Torrie Wilson. He says that Flair embarrassed him a few months ago. Carlito says he let it slide because he’s a 16 time world champion but Carlito says he didn’t learn anything from Flair. Just embarrassed him time and time again and ruined Carlito’s flawless record. Carlito thinks he should be WWE champion RIGHT NOW and blames Flair for it not happening. He calls out Flair right now. Lawler points out he’s in Las Vegas doing a personal appearance. Carlito calls Flair gutless and dead weight. He says he’s getting rid of all the garbage in his life. He turns on Torrie saying she always sided with Naitch and rants at her in Spanish. Torrie gets all upset and runs backstage. Carlito continues his Hispanic rant at the crowd before throwing the mic down.

SHILL – The Condemned. Goddamnit. Playing the trailer twice on every WWE TV show is NOT going to make people watch the movie. In fact it’s far more likely to make me not watch it because I’ve already seen half the film. And I watch a LOT of films.

MITB – MR KENNEDY (c) v EDGE

Edge jumps Kennedy during his entrance. Edge chokes away with his shirt. The match hasn’t started yet so the referee can’t DQ him. Edge has the monitor and blasts Kennedy with it. The ref backs Edge up to check on Kennedy to see if he’s fit to compete. Kennedy wants the bell rung but Edge spears him at 0.06 and wins the MITB.

Winner: Edge via pinfall . They sure lost faith in Mr Kennedy in a hurry. He only named Wrestlemania as the venue for his title match seven days ago.

POST MATCH Edge nails Kennedy with the briefcase as well. Twice.

JOHN CENA v RANDY ORTON

Cena gets a quick roll up and then another. Fisherman suplex gets 2. Cena misses a charge and gets ring post in the shoulder. Orton clubs away and does the Garvin Stomp. Measured kneedrop gets 2. Chinlock from Orton. Make that a long chinlock. Cena powers out and boots Orton in the guts. Flying shoulderblock. Clotheslines. Protobomb. Orton can’t see him. Five Knuckle Shuffle. GREAT KHALI is out here. FU is lined up but Cena just stops because Khali has the title belt and he’s walking off with it. Orton takes advantage but Cena trips him up into the STFU. Orton gets the ropes. Cena decides he wants his title belt back. Khali bashes him with it. Cena is knocked out on the ramp. Khali celebrates with the belt and this match isn’t finishing…