Dark Pegasus Video Review: Armageddon 2000

Armageddon 2000 by J.D. Dunn Re: Crappy Bull Buchanan gimmicks I don’t really count Recon as a bad gimmick for Bull Buchanan (even though it was a crappy gimmick). They don’t really acknowledge him as the same person whereas SWAT Team Bull, RTC Bull, B-Squared Bull and Dreamhouse Bull were the same guy with rotating gimmicks. Re: The WWE’s late 2000 Creative Collapse A number of you rightly point out that the ratings did spike a few times after the Fall of 2000 decline, but you’re missing the trend, which is the important thing. Check it out: This represents the the months from the night after the 2000 King of the Ring to WrestleMania X-7. Bleeps and blips? Ebb and flow? Peaks and Valleys? Sure. But the overall trend is downward. Re: Eddy vs. Eddie The WWE anglicizes Eddie Guerrero’s name. WCW used both spellings. Most other places spelled it “Eddy.” I go with that because it honors his heritage a little more than “Eddie” and because that’s how I first saw it spelled. I had completely forgotten until the opening video package, but this is the debut of the fantastic Doors knock-off that has sporadically accompanied Armageddon ever since. They also use a spiffy cover of “Sweet Home Alabama” as the PPV theme. December 10, 2000 Live from Birmingham, Ala. Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. We see footage from Heat where Mick Foley promises to retire as commissioner if someone gets seriously hurt in the main event. In the back, The Stooges welcome Vince McMahon to the arena. He’s not happy with Foley. Opening Match, Intergender Elimination: The Hardy Boyz & Lita vs. The Radicalz (w/Terri). This came about because Malenko won a date with Lita, which led to Lita drawing Dean back to the hotel where the Hardyz were waiting to jump Malenko. Well now that’s just cruel. Oddly enough, Terri is not on the Radicalz team, it’s just three guys against one guy and two girls. I’ll leave you alone to figure that joke out. Also, why not just do *this* at The Survivor Series? Big “Eddy sucks” chant and then a big “Lita” chant. They certainly give the fans what they want as Lita hits the Twist of Fate on Eddy, and Jeff finishes him with the Swanton at 2:58. The Hardyz run through their usual double-teams, hitting Malenko with Poetry in Motion. They try for the same thing with Saturn, but he catches Jeff in mid-air and hits a Death Valley Driver to eliminate him at 3:43. Matt plays face-in-peril before hitting the Twist of Fate on Saturn at 5:09. Terri jumps Matt and gets speared by Lita. That allows Malenko to shove them from behind and roll up Matt at 5:36. That leaves Lita versus Malenko. She gets in a few nice lucha moves, actually moving faster than most of the luchadores I see on Galavision. She gets two off a moonsault block, but Malenko catches her on the top and delivers a superplex. He smacks her around for a while before locking her in the Texas Cloverleaf at 8:08. Lita tells Michael Cole she knows she can beat Malenko if given a chance. The match was short for an elimination tag, and it was only here to further the Lita-Dean angle, which, in turn, led to Lita and Matt getting it on, which led to Edge becoming the World Champion. So, I guess this *is* kind of historic in retrospect. ** Kurt Angle tells Lillian Garcia that he is totally prepared for Hell in a Cell, even if he does have to wrestle in front of a bunch of inbred hicks. His “Do you know any Bulgarians?” set-up line is pretty good. European Title: William Regal vs. Hardcore Holly. This is a rematch that *no one* wanted. Holly gets a good pop from the hometown crowd. Holly attacks but eats a boot while coming off the top. Regal grabs a bow-and-arrow. Holly powers out of a Butterfly Suplex and gets two off the bridge. Holly’s dropkick sets up the Falcon Arrow Drop, and Holly hits the Alabama Jam for two. Regal gets a powerbomb and locks in the Regal Stretch, but Holly is in the ropes. Holly reverses the Regal Neckbreaker to a clothesline (with his loaded forearm). Raven runs in and DDTs Holly over a flap they had on Smackdown. That gives Regal the win at 4:59. ** Rikishi is upset that Kurt broke up the alliance they had going with HHH. Chyna vs. Val Venis (w/Ivory). The RTC was upset that Chyna was on the cover of Playboy, so here you go. Chyna fends off Val and Ivory and stomps a mudhole in Val. Val with the Kobashi Knees and a slam. Lawler makes the first reference to “butter face” that I’ve ever heard (chronologically speaking). Chyna comes back with a neckbreaker for two and cuts Val off with a clothesline for two. The Money Shot (which *really* needed a new name to go with the new gimmick) misses. Ivory trips Chyna, though, and leads her right into the Jesus-Fisherman’s Suplex at 5:03. Here’s the irritating thing: they play the RTC ‘music,’ which consists of a droning klaxon until Chyna tries to get even with Ivory. Then, when Val makes the save and lays Chyna out, they play it again! The match was okay-ish but nothing memorable. *1/4 In the back, Stephanie tells her dad that she is “sssscared” for her husband. ACTING~! Vince promises to take care of it. Earlier today, Undertaker talked about all the Hell in the Cells he’s been in. Vince and the Stooges come out to talk about the Hell in the Cell and, more importantly, about Vince’s impending divorce. He begs for five seconds of silence for the superstars in the main event tonight. Last Man Standing: Chris Jericho vs. Kane. Ross: Can you believe this all started over a cup of coffee?!? No, I really can’t. I really, really can’t, Jim. They meet in the aisle and brawl to the back. Funny moment as a random guy staggers into the brawl and gets beaten by both guys. They fight to the ring where Jericho clotheslines Kane over. Kane slams him into the post to take over. And it’s all downhill after that. A Kane Hangman hold gets an 8-count. The Lionsault hits Kane’s knees, and he hits a flying clothesline. Jericho keeps taking 9-counts, but he’s, by gawd, resilient. Kane chokeslams him for nine (with Jericho clearly signaling to Teddy Long). Kane beats him with a chair and sets up for a Tombstone on the chair. Jericho slips out, goes low, and DDTs him. He puts the chair on Kane and hits a Lionsault. Well, that’s just stupid. Kane stays down for the longest nine count you’ll ever see and then Military Presses Jericho to the floor. They brawl over to the entrance where Jericho tries to put Kane through a table with a facebuster. Jericho pushes over some barrels that make up the set, and the fall on Kane (sort of). Jericho picks up the win after a tedious match. 3/4* In the back, Jonathan Coachman calls the last match “brutal,” but I think he was meaning something else. Foley is indignant that people are questioning whether or not he cares about the health of the main eventers. Shawn Michaels joins us from WWF NY to talk about Hell in a Cell. He says with six guys in there, it’s impossible to know what’s going to happen. WWF Tag Team Titles, Four-Corners: The Right to Censor (w/Steven Richards) vs. Edge & Christian vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. K-Kwik & Road Dogg. It’s like a TNA preview. The RTC are the champs at this point, but their gimmick is so one-note that they dragged the titles down with them. The Dudz dominate the RTC, including a Veg-o-Matic. Funny spot as Bubba and Road Dogg work in a double Shake, Rattle & Roll and then turn on each other. K-Kwik gets in a series of flip-floppy breakdancing moves on Edge. I’M BOOGALOO SHRIMP, BITCH! Kwik plays Poppin’-Taco-in-peril for both heel teams. The match breaks down, and K-Kwik tries to wipe out the champs with a crossbody. They catch him and wipe out both of the Rappin’ Roadies. The Dudleyz get the tables, but they clothesline the RTC with it. Edge takes the Dudleyville Device, but Christian makes the save on the pinfall attempt. 3Ds on the RTC. Steven Richards DDTs D-Von on a table, allowing Edge to spear Bubba for two. Christian sneaks in with the Unprettier, and Edge covers for the win and their fourth set of tag titles at 9:44. Ross: This reeks of… sucking. Thankfully, the RTC gimmick would peter pee-pee out. **1/2 Stephanie begs Hunter not to go out there tonight. Hunter tells her the WWF Title is the most important thing to him, and he won’t stop at anything. This is some good interplay because they’re not just two-dimensional “I hate puppies and babies and kittens” heels. They actually have things that are important to them like real-life human beings. Intercontinental Title: “The One” Billy Gunn vs. Chris Benoit. This was the WWF’s last attempt at foisting Billy Gunn on the public. There was a time when he actually had potential as a singles star, but this was not that time. They trade some wrestling holds before Benoit tosses Gunn into the steps. Chris zeroes in on Gunn’s knee. Gunn counters a kneebreaker to a sunset flip for two, but Benoit dropkicks him in the knee. A Dragon Screw torques the knee even more. NOW IT’S UH-BOOT TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL! Benoit locks in the figure-four. Gunn makes the ropes but falls victim to ROLLING GERMANS! The Swandive Headbutt misses, and Gunn hits a Jackhammer. That sets up the Fameasser with the bad leg. He can’t capitalize, though. Benoit reverses the Cobra Clutch Slam to the Crippler Crossface. Gunn is in the ropes. They botch a tilt-o-whirl slam. Yikes! Benoit just gets sick of this and hits a backdrop suplex. Gunn gets a fluke small package, but Benoit slaps on the Crippler Crossface for the quick tapout at 10:03. Benoit totally dismantled Gunn in there, which made the match a lot more fun than your average squash (or your average Billy Gunn match). Gunn would meander around the lower midcard and be a tag whore (Billy & Chuckie!) for a while before getting released and showing up in TNA. **1/4 Steve Austin talks about the brutality of the Cell. WWF Women’s Title: Ivory vs. Trish Stratus vs. Molly Holly. Molly attacks Trish and slams her head into the mat. Ivory just hangs back for a while. Molly flips out of a monkey flip, but Ivory catches her with a clothesline. The heels try to doubleteam Molly, but she hits a double dropkick on them. Backslide on Ivory, but Trish saves, and they hit a double suplex. Ivory offers a high five and then doublecrosses Trish. They argue over the size of Trish’s breasts. No. Seriously. TITTY PSYCHOLOGY~! Molly uses the distraction to hit a crossbody and a powerbomb on Trish. Ivory tosses her and gets the pin at 2:12, though. T&A come down to attack Molly, but Crash threatens to take them on by himself. They’re cool with that, but the APA returns and clears them out of the ring. Big pop for the APA. * Finally, the Rock has come back to Birmingham. WWF Heavyweight Title, Hell in a Cell: Kurt Angle vs. The Rock vs. Steve Austin vs. Triple H vs. Rikishi vs. The Undertaker. They pair off with Austin vs. Hunter, Kurt vs. Taker, and Rock vs. Rikishi. Austin gets the Thesz Press on HHH to a big pop. HHH comes back with a high knee. Ross takes a dig at Lloyds of London. Since this is basically a clusterfuck with no way to recap properly, I’ll just tell that story in case you haven’t read Foley’s book. Lloyds of London is a big insurance carrier that sold a bunch of insurance policies to wrestlers because “Hey, it’s fake.” Well, they lost their asses when it came time for the wrestlers to cash in. Rock gets two off a Samoan Drop on Angle, but everything else is just a bunch of random chaos. Austin tries to strain Hunter’s face through the mesh like hamburger. Funny moment as Austin drags Hunter’s face across the mesh all the way around the cell and he stops to step over Kurt and Undertaker as he’s doing it. Rikishi hits Austin, but Hunter turns on him with a Pedigree. Rock makes the save. Everyone starts hitting finishers. Angleslam. Stunner. Chokeslam. Taker pairs off with Hunter while Austin and Rikishi go at it. Austin pummels Rikishi as Vince McMahon and the Stooges ride a truck full of woodchips out. He looks like a friggin’ Dickens character with that pose. He wants to yank the cell down, but Mick Foley staggers out and starts beating up the Stooges. Security finally comes down and arrests Vince. Hunter escapes the cage, but Austin tracks him down and tosses a camera at him. They all fight near some junked out cars. Hunter Pedigrees Rock on the top of a car. Austin catapults Hunter into another car. Back to ringside, Taker strangles Kurt. Hunter goes up to the top of the cell to get away from Austin. Austin goes up the other side and sneaks up on Hunter from behind. They slug it out, and Hunter gets Stunnered. Taker and Angle soon join them, and Kurt bleeds for the first time in his career. Rikishi climbs up to get away from the Rock now. Taker and Angle are up there anyway, so Rikishi starts wearing them out with the chair. Taker fights back and just kind of shoves Rikishi off the cell into the woodchips. What, was the truck from the pillow and marshmallow factory not available? That cues up the interesting stuff as Austin and Rock finally come together and slug it out. Hunter cuts off the People’s Elbow. Rock dispatches HHH and hits Angle with the Rock Bottom, but Austin makes the save. Stunner to the Rock. Hunter intercepts Austin, allowing Kurt to cover the Rock and retain at 32:12. Too many story threads intersected in uninteresting ways here. The spectacle of seeing five of the top stars of all time in there at once carries the match, but it was just too much chaos and too little story. Kurt, the champ, looked like the sixth strongest man in the match, and to make things worse, Austin gives him a meaningless Stunner just to leave him lying as we go off the air. Some entertaining spots – like Austin dragging HHH around the ring and Rock… being the Rock — made the match entertaining, but it lacked the epic quality of the earlier Cell matches. ***1/4

The 411: The main event almost saves the show, but the effort on the undercard just wasn't there. A lot of that probably owes to the most interesting talent all being pooled into one match. This show would also continue the trend (one that still continues to this day, IMO) of the post-Summerslam part of the year being the weakest. Thankfully, the excellent Austin-HHH-Rock feud would reignite things in the Winter and Spring. Mild thumbs down here, though.

Final Score:  5.5   [ Not So Good ]