wrestling / Video Reviews
Euro Fury: ATTACK! Pro Wrestling – Seriously? Not Another PPV Tie-In Event
Loading...ATTACK! Pro Wrestling – Seriously? Not Another PPV Tie-In Event
November 20 2016
I’ve been meaning to get around to Attack Pro Wrestling for some considerable time. It has a reputation as a very entertaining promotion with top tier comedy matches and a different vibe to other UK promotions. Plus great run-on storytelling. Even though I haven’t been watching I’m still aware of Pete Dunne’s ongoing issues with Jim Lee and the five on five Survivor Series style match that happened on this particular show. I know about Nixon Newell’s heel turn on Mark Andrews. I know about Drew Parker’s obsession with all things ECW. I know about the Anti-Fun Police. What I didn’t know was that to start this show I’d get a promo tape from Mike Bird, cutting a heart-felt interview about why he’s always been the underdog and he’s got a big chance to prove everyone wrong tonight. It would have been better if they’d not shot it next to a train track but hey, the heart is there. We’re in Cardiff at Walkabout. Flash Morgan Webster introduces us to the show and we’re kicking off with the Attack title match. Referee Shay Pursor brings the belt to the ring and the crowd chant “Shay is our champion”.
ATTACK! Pro Wrestling Championship
Eddie Dennis vs. Mike Bird
These two are tournament finalists and the winner will be the first ever Attack champion. Both guys are very popular so we get ourselves a babyface match up. It’s a technical match up too, which is interesting if you’ve only seen Eddie in the FSU brawls in Camden. Technically he’s very sound. As an all-rounder he’s underrated. Bird is a decent all-rounder too and they’re both quite experienced. The result is a solid match up. There is the odd little technical issue where Bird takes a dodgy looking clothesline. It’s minimal compared to the strength of their grappling. When that gets a bit tiresome they switch gears and have a chop battle. It’s sturdy as fuck. Bird’s chops are so loud. The acoustics in the building help but Dennis can’t land with the same ferocity. The match picks up significantly during this as Eddie gets destroyed but then starts no selling. He gets all fired up by a slap and then kicks out of a brainbuster at one. Bird kicks out of the Next Stop Driver as they head into the big near fall spots. Eddie ups the ante by hitting it off the top and Bird kicks out at one! One! One!! This gets Bird a Next Stop Driver on the apron and a cradled version of the same move Eddie calls the Last Stop Driver and that’s enough. Bird took three big spots in a row so he doesn’t look weak coming up short. This match was an absolute belter. Probably the best singles match I’ve seen Eddie in. Bird too for that matter. The closing stretch was magnificent.
Final Rating: ****1/4
Post Match: Wild Boar jumps Dennis and Mike Bird turns heel to help him. This is great storytelling with Bird. His heart-felt promo at the top of the show felt somewhat hollow and this is why. Eddie was too good for him and more popular to boot. Bird couldn’t take that double blow. If he’d lost and got cheered in the process he might have stayed away from the dark side. The combination of factors turned him. Or perhaps he planned this all along.
Danny Jones & Love Making Demon vs. Lloyd Katt & Splits McPins
Two sensational gimmicks here. Love Making Demon is a rave enthusiast/monkey. He does the Nakamura pose and pours a bag of pills into his mouth. “Vitamins”, apparently. “Disco Biscuits” chants the crowd. Splits McPins, naturally, has a bowling gimmick. This match, before it even gets underway, features bowling around ringside and an actual rave. Splits bowling gimmick allows lots of charging and “bowling thunder”. Danny Jones has one of those whistles that assholes take to nightclubs allowing him to lift Marty Scurll’s spots with whistling replacing superkicks. Danny goes for a headstand in the corner so Splits throws his bowling ball into his ribs. “Holy Splits!” Katt is not a small man. He’s exceptionally sweaty and his entire groin is soaked after a few minutes. It’s quite the sight. So is his ballsy dive over the ropes. It’s a good job all three of the other guys were there to catch him. Spot of the match is Splits hanging Jones in the tree of woe and Love Making Demon under him before bowling his ball into the corner. It hits Jones in the head and Demon in the groin. Thus eliminating the brains and balls of the team. The dancing heels win anyway and a minor rave breaks out.
Final Rating: ***
Wild Boar vs. Tyler Bate
Tyler is in a playful mood. Boar is a prick. I didn’t realise just how tiny Boar is but having him stand next to the diminutive Bate shows that. The lack of stature doesn’t effect the hard-hitting nature of the match. Although they do a lot of goofy technical comedy too. Mainly Tyler making the aggressive Boar look stupid. Tyler does the most exhaustive sequence to escape a wristlock in the entire history of wristlock counters. Boar must be teething because he gnaws on just about everything in this match, including the top of Tyler’s head. Tyler is sensational throughout the match, getting his character over but also throwing in crazy spots like a moonsault to the floor. His versatility and unpredictability is frankly stunning. And he’s still a teenager. When he starts getting really good he’ll be turning heads globally. Mike Bird comes out to distract and Boar takes it with a package piledriver. Good showing from both guys.
Final Rating: ***1/2
Post Match: the heels rough up Tyler some more, as they did with Eddie Dennis earlier. Nobody comes out to help.
ATTACK! Pro Wrestling 24/7 Championship
Gauntlet Match
The belt is, sort of, vacant. As Flash points out we have “fix the situation”, which brings out Lee Construction (Lee Hunter), of the Construction Brothers. Jim has an injury. Out first is Australian grappler Sean Kustom. He pins Lee with a moonsault. “But wait…a challenger appears”. It’s Chuck Mambo. Beach balls! I’m not nicknaming him “beach balls”, there are actual beach balls everywhere. That’s about the peak of the match and Mambo wins with a springboard double knees. Next to randomly appear and challenge is Los Federales Santos (Dan Moloney) of the Anti-Fun Police. How do I know it’s Dan Moloney? Same shitty boots. Dan falls over attempting something and we get an extremely rare “you fucked up” chant. Santos tries again and gets the pin. “Fuck the police” chant the crowd, followed by “E-C-Dub”. Here is The Sandrew! “E-C-Drew”. One White Russian Legsweep later and Drew Parker is the 24:7 Champion! But who will he be when he defends the title?
Final Rating: FUN
Video Control gives us clips of Jim Lee in the gym, talking about starting ATTACK! Pro Wrestling with Pete Dunne. He blames Mark Andrews going to TNA for ruining Pete’s attitude. Or rather Pete’s reaction to Andrews going to TNA.
Five on Five Elimination Tag Match
The Bruiserweights (Pete Dunne, Nixon Newell, Chris Brookes, Kid Lykos & ?) vs. The Jim Leegion (Jim Lee, El Ligero, Mark Andrews, Martin Kirby & ?)
The heat for Dunne’s team is palpable. Pete just feels evil. He even bites one of the fans fingers on route to the ring. Both teams are short one guy and the stakes are massive because whoever loses is gone from ATTACK! Either Dunne or Lee. Jim names referee Shay Pursor as his fifth man to a massive reaction. I love that he comes out to the generic WWE music. Without saying a word Pete signals Shay who kicks Lee in the balls to turn heel and join the Bruiserweights. So Eddie Dennis runs in to level up the numbers. Heel Shay is amazing but Eddie dumps him first with the Next Stop Driver. 5-4 Leegion!
Dunne powerbombs Lee through a stack of chairs in an ugly looking spot. That essentially eliminates him and we can get on with a four on four contest. The heels are all in their element in working over Ligero. The biggest surprise is how much of a dick Nixon is as a heel. She’s probably the top BritWres women’s babyface but she’s so good as a heel. Kirby gets in all his spots, including the Zoidberg Elbow (or the scuttling part of it anyway), before being dumped out by Lykos.
The fluidity of the match is very impressive, with people sliding in and out. Everyone seems to be in place at the right time and there’s never a moment where people are standing around looking confused. Lykos and Ligero are quickly eliminated leaving Andrews fighting Dunne and Nixon but soon Eddie levels it up for FSU. The release Razor’s Edge on Nixon onto Dunne is fantastic. It couldn’t have been a pleasant spot for Pete to take! Eddie can’t be in prime condition having wrestled a 25 minute title match at the top of the show and he got beaten up afterwards. He tries the Next Stop Driver on Brookes but he’s too tall and in the ensuing confusion Dennis has his legs grabbed and he’s pinned in typical Survivor Series fashion.
Andrews takes it to all the heels with a fantastic series of superkicks. Nobody plays that plucky vulnerable babyface like Andrews. Nixon kills him with the Welsh Destroyer and it looks to be over but a cheeky roll up dumps Brookes with Nixon and Dunne posing. Big up to the Attack fans for chanting “that’s not vegan” at Dunne for noshing on Andrews’ fingers. Dunne being a notorious vegan outside of wrestling, which makes the finger biting a bit ironic. Mark gets pinned with the Drop Dead and that’s all the faces gone. Or is it?
Jim Lee is back out here! It’s Jim vs. Dunne & Nixon. “Jim’ll fix it” chant the crowd. Jim isn’t what you’d call a good wrestler but he gives it his all here. Including a satellite DDT and both Nixon and Dunne make sure he looks like a conquering hero. Dunne fucks up a second time by posing while Nixon is getting rolled up. You’d think he would have learned the first time! Perhaps he just doesn’t fear Jim in the slightest. The story telling towards the finish is just incredible. The Austin double digit salute leading into the finger biting is great, as is Lee popping out of the Drop Dead at the one count! That gets the crowd going completely nuts and the likes of @williambr0wn banging on the apron like it’s the Battle of Los Angeles. The heels all come back out here, followed by the entire locker room who clear them out. The ref gets bumped and Flash has to jump in there. Jim gets revenge with his own finger bite and taps Pete with the crossface before “Beer” by Reel Big Fish kicks in and everyone has a party! This was storyline over wrestling but the storyline was incredible. Pete Dunne is gone from ATTACK!
Final Rating: ****
