The Name on the Marquee: The Best of the WWF Volume 7

-Back to the crate o’Coliseums for tonight’s selection.

-Your host is Mean Gene Okerlund. Gene tells us that this selection is a great addition to our “permanent home video collection,” as opposed to the temporary home video collection, I suppose. But that would mean that Gene was clairvoyant enough to foresee DIVX.

PEDRO MORALES vs. TERRY FUNK (with Jimmy Hart)
-Funk slaps Pedro and cowers immediately. Pedro slaps him right back and Funk is so shaken that he goes to the floor to recover. Back in, Funk sends Pedro over the top rope and onto the broadcasters’ table. Terry gets beaned by a piece of garbage, sees the fan who did it, and goes right for him before Jimmy restrains him. Funk, regaining his focus, boxes Pedro down, lets him regain his footing, and goes right back to punching him. Funk twists his boot across Pedro’s face and keeps hammering him. Pedro flops over onto the broadcasters’ table and Funk puts the boots to him again, taking a break to slap Gorilla Monsoon’s headset off. Gorilla very calmly stares at Funk while putting his headset back on; even middle-aged and wearing a horrible-looking tuxedo, Gorilla manages to look like Funk will die at some point in the next 10 minutes.

-Funk pulls a weapon from his tights and goes to work with that for a while. As Jimmy Hart distracts the referee, Funk unties his wrist tape and strangles Pedro with it. Morales gets his hand on the tape and strangles Funk with it. Hilarious poetic justice as Jimmy Hart is now trying to make the referee turn around and look but the referee just stays there and yells at him. The brawl goes to the floor and Funk gets rammed into the wooden steps. The steps are hollow, so Funk actually climbs inside and hides to regain his strength. Pedro pulls him out and rams him on the stairs. Funk tries to get back in the ring but gets rammed into the turnbuckle and falls off the apron. Pedro throws punches again and again and then launches Funk over the top rope and onto the floor. Pedro decides to kill time by chasing Jimmy Hart until Jimmy crawls under the ring, and Funk crawls in after him. He finds a chair and lobs that into the ring, but the referee won’t let him use it. Funk gets back into the ring and gets rammed into the turnbuckle. He gets hung up in the ropes and grabs the megaphone while he’s there, so when Pedro pulls him back in, Funk KOs him and pins him immediately. 1 for 1. Total one-man show by Terry, and holy shit, was it ever fun!

WORLD TITLE: HULK HOGAN (Champion) vs. RANDY “Macho Man” SAVAGE (with Elizabeth)
-From MSG, this is the match that came between the two matches on “Randy Savage and Elizabeth.” Savage attacks as Hogan enters the ring and the brawl goes on for a while with both men in their full entrance gear, which makes for neat visuals. Savage rips Hogan’s shirt off and chokes him out, then pulls the title belt off Hogan’s waist and wallops him with it twice. He takes it to the top rope and catches Hogan’s back with the belt and just keeps beating on him with it, with the referee making no effort to stop him. Elizabeth actually gets on the apron to try and convince him to show some mercy, and Hogan makes it to his feet and punches Savage down, then takes his headband and chokes Savage with it. Atomic drop by Hogan is beautifully sold by Savage. Hogan does some hilarious mimicking of Savage’s entrance mannerisms before sending him to the floor. Hogan puts Savage on his shoulder and rams him headfirst into the post.

-Hogan punches the living hell out of the now-bloody Macho Man and heads back inside to continue the beating. Hogan lifts Savage off his feet and chokes him out, and now Elizabeth is on the apron to ask Hogan for mercy. Medium shot of Hogan shows that he’s absolutely COVERED in Savage’s blood from the waist up, making this match 47% more awesome. Hogan blows a kiss to Elizabeth and that lights a fire in Savage, naturally. He sends Hogan to the floor and to the post before coming off the top rope with the axehandle. He sends Hogan back in the ring and lands another top-rope axehandle. He goes up once more and gets the flying elbow, but Hogan kicks out at one and starts the Hulk-up. Irish whip and a hard clothesline by Hogan and Savage tries to leave, but Hogan yanks him back in and continues the beating. He sends Savage to the floor and tries to ram Savage into the post again, but Elizabeth stands in front of the post to stop him. He drops Savage to deal with Elizabeth, and Savage immediately gets to his feet, rams Hogan into the ring post, and dives back into the ring to beat the ten-count, and Savage defeats Hogan once more. Hogan runs back into the ring post-match and locks in a bearhug, refusing to let go until the locker room empties to pry him off. The moment Hogan is off him, Savage takes a cheap shot and hauls ass to the locker room. 2 for 2. These guys were so awesome together that you almost have to admire Vince for holding the feud off for three years until a proper story was built for it.

ARNOLD SKAALAND vs. CAPTAIN LOU ALBANO
-A manager vs. manager feud from 1977. Skaaland goes on the early offensive with punches, and the fans’ reaction would make you think we were seeing a main event dream match. Albano pulls something out of his tights and hammers Skaaland with it for a while…a long while, actually…until Skaaland fires a punch hard enough to make him drop it, and now Skaaland goes on the offensive with it. Albano sells it with the most flagrant blade job ever, actually turning toward the hard camera and running his thumb straight across his forehead for each punch. Albano gets fed up and leaves, and Skaaland takes it by count-out. Woof. 2 for 3.

TAG TEAM TITLE, BEST 2 OUT OF 3 FALLS: HAYSTACKS CALHOUN & TONY GAREA vs. MR. FUJI & PROFESSOR TORU TANAKA
-We get a great start to the match, as this is in the days before they put barricades between the fans and the ring, and every time Tanaka tries to do his salt ritual, two old women get up and wipe the salt away.

FALL ONE: Garea starts by tying up Tanaka in a side headlock, and Tanaka counters with headscissors. Armdrag by Garea and Tanaka tries headscissors again, but Garea wriggles out and shoulderblocks him. Another armdrag as the action is actually going to fast for me to cover everything. Calhoun comes in with some ill-timed attempts at double-teaming, but instead it winds up with Garea getting trapped and choked out in the heel corner. Fuji comes in and backdrops Garea and puts the…well, feet to him. Garea counters a backdrop and gets one of his own. Fuji has had enough and tags in Tanaka. He gets Irish whipped into Calhoun for a shoulderblock. Tanaka takes a shot to the throat and locks in a headlock. Garea snapmares out and tags in Calhoun. Fuji tries to make himself useful but accidentally chops his partner. Garea stacks Fuji on top of Tanaka, Calhoun sits on both of them, and Tony stands on his shoulders to give the fans a nice photo to take home.

-Tanaka takes some shots to the eyes and Calhoun makes the tag. Garea gets caught immediately and Tanaka is all over him. He Irish whips Garea once but a second is reversed and Garea shoulderblocks him for two. He goes for another shoulderblock, but Tanaka gives him one of his own and rolls him up to take the fall.

FALL TWO: Garea mounts a comeback with punches and a front facelock. Rarely-seen spot sees the referee forcing a break because it’s turning into a choke. Integrity preservation goes to Mr. Fuji getting the upper hand by using his upper hand. He tags Tanaka back in and Tanaka chops away. Brawl erupts and Garea gets sent over the top rope, and Fuji & Tanaka double-team the lonely Haystacks Calhoun. Referee calls for the bell, and a DQ ties the match.

FALL THREE: Tanaka offers Garea a handshake and chops him before Garea can even decide that he won’t do it. He chops Garea, but Garea comes back with elbows and tags in Calhoun. Garea backdrops Tanaka and Calhoun splashes him for the pin and the win. I could go either way, but there were a few fun spots and they kept it moving. 3 for 4.

INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE: KEN PATERA (Champion, with Grand Wizard) vs. TONY ATLAS
-An example of a feud that went across a few promotions, this bout comes to us from the 1980 Showdown at Shea. Lock-up and Atlas gets the quick advantage with punches and a dropkick. Patera begs for mercy in the corner and Atlas is nice enough to give it to him. Until Patera tries a cheap shot, and Atlas catches his boot and press slams him. Patera forces himself back to his feet and gives Atlas a high knee. Clothesline and an elbow by Patera get two, and Atlas kicks out hard enough to nearly send Patera out of the ring. Patera rams the black guy into the turnbuckle, so apparently Patera was still new to the WWF at this point. Atlas headbutts the starch out of Patera and drops the elbow. Headbutt and a splash get two. More headbutts and Patera sells them like he needs life support afterward. Patera hooks Atlas over the top rope and snaps the neck, then comes off the top rope with a boot. Press slam by Patera and he looks to finish with the swinging full nelson, but Atlas makes the ropes. Continuity by Gorilla Monsoon on commentary as he acknowledges that Patera ended his career. Atlas mounts a comeback and comes off the second rope with a headbutt. Suplex gets two because of a lazy cover. Atlas goes for a sleeper. Patera uses the ropes to break free and take out Atlas at the same time for a two-count. Bodypress out of nowhere by Atlas for two. Patera sends Atlas out of the ring and they duke it out on the grass. Patera punches Atlas hard enough to send him back into the ring, but screws up by not going back in himself, and Atlas wins by count-out. 4 for 5. These two had really good chemistry and Atlas told a bit of a story, going back to the headbutts because they worked for him.

HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE 1986 SLAMMY AWARDS
-We see some pre-show man-on-the-street interviews with Mean Gene Okerlund, as he harasses people on the streets who are clearly not wrestling fans to ask them about the Slammy Awards. They all look absolutely bewildered and nervous as Mean Gene just keeps plugging and shilling along, as though they’re giving the right answers. Gene is absolutely in rare form here, and even the crew working with him are audibly losing it as he keeps bothering people. The fun culminates in an interview with a security guard. Gene assures him that he’s “no jabroni,” and promises a “kayfabe deal” for the guy if he reveals his picks for the winners.

-Jesse Ventura meets Gene Okerlund in the dressing room. Gene mentions that he just ran 7 ½ miles, and Jesse sneers and says, “You couldn’t drive 7 ½ miles.” Jesse heads into the bathroom to interview Roddy Piper in mid-poop.

-We go to the actual awards ceremony, as Gorilla Monsoon takes a bow with his fly open, Nikolai Volkoff accepting the award for Most Ignominious, Iron Sheik tripping and falling on his face.

-Roddy Piper wins the award for Best Personality in Land of 1000 Dances, and the trophy actually falls apart in his hands. Undaunted, he goes right into using a broom to make a joke about Tina Turner. He goes on an absolutely batshit insane tirade, vowing that he DOES play Sun City. There’s fun-stupid, and there’s turn-your-head-and-cringe-stupid. This was fun-stupid. 5 for 6.

BRITISH BULLDOGS vs. HART FOUNDATION (with Jimmy Hart)
-Dynamite & Hart start. Hart goes for a dropkick, but Dynamite catches his feet and slingshots him. Dynamite goes for a hammerlock, Hart reverses, and Dynamite breaks the hold by charging at the ropes and launching Bret out. He’s had enough and in comes the Anvil with a kneelift and a slam. In comes Davey Boy, who dodges an elbow and slams Anvil. He follows with a dropkick and Anvil goes to the floor. Hart comes in to try his luck and he tries throwing punches and a headbutt. Irish whip by Hart is, in a matter of three steps, turned into a victory roll by Davey Boy. It would take me about three lines to go into detail on how he did it, but it looked great. Knee to the abs by Hart and he drops an elbow and a leg. The Foundation switches off for a while to wear down Davey Boy and Anvil bearhugs him, but Davey Boy punches free and tags in Dynamite, who cleans house. Hart gets a cheap shot from the apron to ground Dynamite. Anvil sends Dynamite to the floor, where Hart is waiting with a bodyslam.

-It’s Dynamite’s turn to get worn down slowly. Davey Boy keeps threatening to come in, and that distracts the referee, making things worse for his own partner. Anvil ties up Dynamite in a front facelock, but he forces his way over to his own corner. Hart runs in and punches Davey Boy on the apron to break the tag, and that triggers a chase on the arena floor. Anvil goes back to the front facelock. Tag made behind the referee’s back, and Davey Boy gets forced back to the apron as Dynamite gets tied into the ropes and beaten senseless. Hart tries a flying bodypress but Dynamite frees himself and finally makes the tag. He cleans house and gets a press slam on Hart, but Anvil breaks the hold. Backbreaker and a Decapitator by the Harts. They follow with a move that’s close to the Doomsday Device, but when the referee’s back is turned, Dynamite pounces Hart, knocks Davey Boy out of the ring, and covers Hart himself for the illegal three-count. 6 for 7. Predictably good outing from these teams.

ROUGEAU BROTHERS vs. MOONDOGS
-Couple of notes to cover here: It’s the Rougeaus’ debut, it’s Rex’s return, and it’s the WWF’s first time in Australia. Rex is in regular wrestling tights instead of the tattered jeans.

-Joined in progress and Rex is getting hammered back and forth by Raymond and gets tangled in the ropes in the process. Atomic drop by Raymond gets two. In comes Jacques and Rex gets double-teamed for a while. He makes the tag and Spot hesitates after seeing what his partner went through. Sunset flip with an assist by Raymond gets a two. Side headlock by Spot and he shoulderblocks Jacques down, only to get caught with a hiptoss. He gets pinballed by the Rougeaus, and we jump ahead to Raymond breaking a bearhug. Spot gives him an inverted atomic drop before tagging out. Rex re-enters and puts the boots to him. Rex misses a corner charge and the hot tag leads to Jacques taking care of both of the Dogs with dropkicks and chops. Jacques gets caught and double-teamed but catches Rex with a flying bodypress as Raymond trips Spot, and that gets the three-count. Short but exciting. 7 for 8.

TAG TEAM TITLE: DREAM TEAM (Champions, with Johnny V) vs. NIKOLAI VOLKOFF & IRON SHEIK (with Classy Freddie Blassie)
-Now here’s an unlikely combo. Dream Team are de facto faces because there’s no way the fans will cheer an Iranian and a Russian unless they’re John Hitchcock’s friends. Valentine starts with a hiptoss and slam on Sheik, and Sheik gets pinballed in the champs’ corner. In comes Beefcake to work the arm, but Sheik sends him into the ropes and meets him with the pointy boot. Beefcake comes back with an atomic drop and an uppercut. Volkoff tags in and Beefcake gets trapped in the corner by the foreigners. Volkoff tries to wear him down with a side headlock, but Beefcake meets him with a boot on a corner chare. Valentine comes off the top rope with an axehandle and works the arm. Elbow by Valentine, boot by Volkoff. Valentine gets rammed face-first into the pointy boot and in comes the Sheik with a double-chop for a two count. Abdominal stretch by Sheik, but Valentine hiptosses him off. Dropkick by the Sheik and Volkoff returns to try a backdrop. Valentine hammers him down and Beefcake returns and it’s a donnybrook for just a moment. Snapmare by Beefcake, but he misses an elbowdrop. Bearhug by Volkoff, but Beefcake breaks it. Sheik comes in with a gutwrench suplex and goes for the camel clutch, but Valentine breaks it. Beefcake makes the tag and Valentine suplexes the Sheik and goes for the figure four. Turnabout is fairplay and Volkoff stops it with a boot. All four men are in the ring again, and the brawl goes until the referee gets fed up and calls for the bell, disqualifying both teams. Another good match. 8 for 9.

Damn, that’s the tape…have a cigarette and check out Game Show Utopia.

The 411: This was...pretty freaking awesome, actually. Hogan vs. Savage is always a winner, and just about everything else here is, if not a classic, at least a whole hell of a lot of fun to watch. And isn't that what wrestling should be?
Final Score:  8.8   [ Very Good ]