411’s TNA Impact Report 07.30.09

Greetings humanity! Welcome to 411mania’s Impact Report with me, Chris Lansdell. We’re about to start the 200th episode, so get ready to CROSS THE LINE!

Oh, right. 411Mania is hiring! If you watch Impact and think you can do a better job than me (PROTIP: Not hard), send a sample toCsonka. Brace for Impact will be on hiatus until someone steps up, so jump to it!

In the MEM dressing room, Angle is pissed and threatening to take out everyone that moves.

EXTENDED CREDITS!! Impact 200 baby!

And we start with the Mafia. Angle and Traci lead out Emperor Joe-patine, Taz(z) and the rest, weighed down by their copious amounts of gold. Well that and their ages. Angle says it’s not a good idea to cross him. Orlando wants Lashley. Angle has a reputation to uphold, and when it’s tarnished there’s a severe price to be paid. He tells Lashley they had an agreement, and for some reason “you took a great big dump on that agreement”. Lovely imagery. The MEM does not to business with that kind of person. Angle calls out Lashley, who obliges…with a baseball bat. Boo. I was hoping for some thunderbolts. At least Mjolnir. The Mafia stays away from Lashley as he enters the ring. He says they had an agreement, and who wouldn’t want to be in the Mafia? He wanted to be part of it, but he saw what the group was about. They’re not hungry any more, but Lashley is. Looking at Joe, I’d say that he’s hungry. They want to hustle people, cheat and steal titles from people. You can’t buy him, Kurt. Angle calls him young and stupid just like the rest of them. The guys in the MEM make up over 75% of the TNA payroll. And that’s a shoot brah! They don’t get around like they used to, but they’re smart. They use people to get what they want. Lashley says they told TNA management that MEM=ratings, and that TNA cannot exist without the Mafia. Lashley wants Angle to put his money where his mouth is. He has an offer that Angle cannot refuse. This brings out Foley, who thanks Lashley for saving his butt. Foley says Lashley did this by kicking the MEM all over the arena. Foley tells Angle to stare into a camera where you can practically see the TNA board waiting for the ratings to appear, becase that’s what the MEM promised. Foley proposes him and Lashley vs Angle and Nash. A tag team match with both singles belts on the line. Oh GOD NO. Not again with this shit. Angle makes the match. And this is tonight? Yay.

Hernandez vs Samoa Joe

So Super Mex has Latino rock music now? This could be a huge title match in 2-3 years if TNA has any sense. Taz is ringside. Joe gets a series of leg kicks to start, he hits the ropes and Hernandez takes him down with a shoulder block. Chops by Joe and a suplex attempt is blocked, Hernandez takes him up and hooooooolds him…2 count only off the suplex. A pair of whips to opposite corners, Hernandez charges but eats an STJoe. Back chop, kick to the chest and a knee drop get two. Another chop by Joe, Hernandez comes back with forearms but Joe hits a t-bone suplex for 2. Jabs in the corner by Joe, a whip is reversed and Hernandez charges but gets lifted to the apron. Joe kicks him but runs into a slingshot shoulder block! A pair of clotheslines and a corner splash followed by a chokeslam spinebuster gets 2. Border Toss attempted but Joe backdrops out of it, then hits a running back elbow and enziguiri in the corner. Joe perches Hernandez on top, kicks him in the head and tries for a superplex. Hernandez pushes him off…TOP ROPE SPLASH!!! 1…2…3!! UPSET!

Winner: Hernandez via pinfall (top rope splash)

JB The Keyboard Warrior is with Hernandez who says he’s going to be the first Latino TNA champion, te gusta o no. I think that means “holla if you hear me!”

During the break Joe went nuts and Taz said Joe beat Joe, the people didn’t beat Joe. Wait, wrong promo. Taz chases off the camera.

Lauren is with Matt Morgan, who says he scraped, crawled and scratched for his opportunities. He wants in the Mafia, and beating AJ Styles in the best of 3 series for a main event spot then he can do that.

JB The Keyboard Warrior is backstage to pimp TNA Mobile, thn he has AJ Styles. He wants to know if AJ is ready after the last couple of weeks he’s had. He never saw Eric Young’s attack coming. Boy he’s dumber than Sting. Doesn’t he watch Impact? He says Young is no better than the Mafia, and he’ll make him wish he’d never been born. He says Morgan is bigger, stronger and more intimidating, but he’s a bully, and AJ takes on bullies. Yeah but you’ll never seeing him coming, because you’re an idiot.

JB has Lashley and Foley. He says he changed his mind because he watched people like Foley fighting for the company against Angle and his cronies, and all the money Kurt was waving at him stopped mattering. Foley says he wasn’t happy with himself but he and Bobby did a lot of thinking and he realised that somebody has to get one of the championships away from the Mafia, and they will start tonight.

Best of 3 Series, Match 1: Matt Morgan vs AJ Styles

AJ’s music was better before they rapified it. This should be good, AJ rules against giants. AJ uses his quickness early to grab a couple of headlocks, Morgan tries to suplex out but AJ turns into a crossbody for two. Basement dropkick gets 2 more. Chinlock now by AJ, Morgan backs him into the corner to break but mishes a charge. Shots by AJ, he goes to the ropes but Morgan follows. AJ tries a dropkick but Morgan catches him and catapults him into the corner post. AJ gets back to the aporn so Morgan helps him out and beales him back in. Such a nice fellow. Morgan backs AJ into a corner and hits the series of back elbows. Body slam by Morgan gets 1. Styles tries to fight back but Morgan stops that and whips him chest first to the corner then slams him into the turnbuckles again. 2 count only. Morgan chokes AJ on the top and tries a charging kick but AJ moves= and Morgan crotches himself. Aj fights back wirh forearms and a pair of drop kicks. Flying clothesline in the corner followed by the slingshot flying shoulder for two more, AJ tries a whip but Morgan reverses and hits a knee to the gut. Side slam…AJ slips out. PELE! ItjustcomesoutofnowhereMike! SLINGSHOT 450!!!!!!! 1…2…3!!!

Winner: AJ Styles via pinfall (Slingshot 450)

Lauren is with Traci, who says she did what she had to do to survive in this business. She was sitting at home on her ass while the company she did everything for had nothing for her. Screw Lauren, screw them and screw everyone. TNA might be in HD, but she`s in H Double D. Angle showed her the money and now she`s MEM property. Taylor Wilde tells Traci that she feels let down. Traci was the original Knockout and everyone looked up to her. Traci is not impressed. The business is made for bitches like her.

We get a recap of the whole spider thing.

Don West is with Tara. She says WWE was a dream for her, but it came to an end. She wanted to leave loving the business and having passion for it. She wanted to tell her kids that their mom was one of the best female wrestlers of all time. Mission accomplished so far. She says when she was in WWE she watched Awesome Kong, and she wanted to wrestle her. She calls Kong the best. West wants to talk about The Beautiful People, but Tara talks about the favours Slick Johnson has been receiving so West quickly changes the subject. Tara says she can face Kong, she wasn`t sitting home eating bonbons. West says there`s nothing wrong with a bonbon from time to time. Brilliant.

ODB, Tara and Awesome KONG~! vs The Beautiful People

ODB has a Deaner with her. However, Ladies and Gentlemen! At this time I am contractually obliged to remind you that Kong kills bitches dead. Tara is announced as “being accompanied by Poison”. Was Jake ever announced as “accompanied by Damien”? I THINK NOT!

DAT AZZ CUBED! I love you cameraman. Oh right, match. Tara and Love start and Tara takes down the champ, and everyone else with shoulders. Love attacks her from behind but Tara reverses a whip and gets a powerslam for 2. Things break down real quick and Tara is choking Love while the other 4 brawl outside. Scoop slam by Tara but Love gets a tag. Madison charges into a drop toehold by Tara who tags in ODB. ODB takes Rayne to the corner and lays in a couple of chops followed by a flying tit attack and a fallaway slam. Back from commercial and Kong has tagged in. Tara holds Rayne while Kong beats her down, then slaps Tara to tag her in. Why is there a Motor City chant? Ah, they’re in the crowd holding up signs, one saying “Conspiracy” and the other saying “Yes, we still work here. Meanwhile Kong and Tara are slapping hell out of each other. Oh Russo. Kong expectedly wins the showdown and they fight up the ramp. ODB is holding down the fort in the ring for now, but Rayne and Love blindside her. Elbow drop by Sky and a tag to Love who hits a basement dropkick for 2. Love chokes ODB who says “Augh GET OFF ME YOU WHORE!” rather loudly. Awesome. OK it’s 3 on 1, just finish it already. Neckbreaker by Love and she goes over to taunt Deaner. Cody is up on the apron yelling while Love plays with him. Deaner plants a huge kiss on Love allowing ODB to get the schoolgirl and the win. Wow.

Winners: Tara, Awesome KONG~! and ODB via pinfall (schoolgirl following a Deaner kiss)

Video recap of the formation of the World Elite. Looks like Young and Magnus are the mouthpieces, good choices. This group has potential if they don`t make them America-hating foreigners. Magnus introduces Young as the leader of World Elite, who then cuts a promo about how everyone wanted him to be a clown and entertain them. When he was goring up in Canada, he knew he would have to move to the US to make it in pro wrestling, and that`s what he did. He made it on his own. Orlando agrees with me:

Oh here it comes. Every other country hates the US allegedly. Is this really necessary to get heels over? Show some creativity! He says the fault lies with the disgusting people who live in the country. People like Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley. Blah blah blah, take back from America, blah blah blah not going to be what you want me to be. Can we have some wrestling now? Young starts shaving his own head and says he calls the shots now. The entertainment stops and the violence begins tonight. He calls out Team 3D for the IWGP title match. I can’t see a Japanese title changing hands in Team 3D’s specialty, a tables match. But to do otherwise cuts the legs out from under World Elite right away.

Ray and Devon come out to cut the standard patriotic promo and prompt a USA chant, then charge the ring. Match on!

Team 3D take out the Invasion quickly and…commercial? Sure, why not. We’re back and Williams is beating on Ray on one side of the ring while Devon and Magnus are in the crowd. It’s a brawl. Team 3D is firmly in control but nothing noteworthy happens. Williams regains control with a European as Devon whips Magnus HARD into a wall. Ray and Williams are finally in the ring, but there are no tables. Williams ducks his head and gets kicked, followed by the flip, flop and fly by Ray. The World Elite try to interfere but get taken out, and 3D hit the Wazzup on Magnus. Devon! GET CLARK GABLE! 3D set up the table but the Brits had time to recover and hit s pair of clotheslines. They hit a double suplex on Ray but Devon has moved the table. He clears house, clotheslining Williams to the floor. Rob Terry is in the ring and just kills Devon and Ray after a ref bump. Because that’s vital in a match with no Good God Terry is huge. Magnus positions the table and climbs up for the 10 punch spot, but Devon grabs him and powerbombs him through the table! Ref doesn’t see it though!! Young is in and nails Devon with the belt, then replaces Magnus with Devon! Hebner calls for the bell and awards the match to the Invasion!

Winners, and NEW IWGP tag team champions: The British Invasion via cheating foreigner tactics

Recap of TNA at Comic Con. Yay.

Dr Stevie is offering $50,000 for the head of Abyss and is also disturbed.

A training video for that Jesse guy airs but they interrupt it to show Lashley and Foley getting jumped by the Mafia. Apparently Lashley is out cold by the end of it. Slick Johnson goes to raise the hands of the Mafia but Foley! Angle meets him on the ramp and gets beaten, as does Nas. Foley is in the ring and the crowd are with him. He can`t tag the crowd though.

Back from the break and Beer! Money! are fighting Steiner and Booker. The lunatics have taken over the Asylum! Oh wait, it’s the Impact Zone now.

TNA World and Legends title tag team match – Kurt Angle (C) and Kevin Nash (C) vs Bobby Lashley and Mick Foley

Angle and Nash look mighty confidant. Can’t think why. Neither Lashley nor Foley come out to their music.

Foley takes Angle to 5 turnbuckles, hitting Nash on the 6th for good measure. He beats on Angle in the corner and hits a running knee in the corner before being dropped by a Nash clothesline. Angle knocks Foley around and out of the ring, then follows. Angle takes Foley to the steps then rolls him back inside befor tagging Nash. Big knees in the corner by Nash and a boot choke. Back elbow in the corner by Nash who tags Angle. More shots to Foley. Angle tries a German but Foley escapes and hits the double arm DDT to get control. SOCKO! Mandible Claw applied!! Nash comes in and kicks Foley to next week. Angle Lock aplied! Foley stays in it for ages and gets close to the ropes but Angle pulls him to the middle of the ring and grapevines the leg. FOley is about to tap! LIGHTS! STING is in the crowd! Foley has left the ring. Sting points at the MEM and the lights go out again… LASHLEY! He takes down Angle with two punches, then re[eats the task on Nash. SPEAR to Nash! Foley covers! 1…2…3!!

Winners: Bobby Lashley and Mick Foley via pinfall (Lashley’s spear). Foley is the NEW TNA Legends Champion!