411’s TNA Impact Report 08.06.09

It’s Impact time again folks! Let me apologise if this recap is not up to standard. Circumstances conspired to leave me barely able to watch this show in order to recap it, so I’m not exactly in a groove.

We get a recap of last weeks classic 200th edition if Impact. It even looked bad in clip form.

Earlier today we see the MEM limo arrive with Angle and some bald dude, who didn’t look like Frank Trigg at all. PYRO!

Hey look, the MEM are out to start the show. I need to start keeping score. Joe still looks like a Dark Lord of the Sith. Taz has some BROAD shoulders. Kurt says last week a great injustice was done. Foley allegedly won the Legends title from Kevin Nash. Alleged, because Sting was in the crowd causing a distraction and because Bobby Lashley caused all the damage and he was not the legal man. Because Lashley did not stay in his corner, the match is null and void. Apparently the board of directors agreed the match was a sham, but they said the result would stand on the condition that Nash got a rematch at Hard Justice. Boy, what poor bugger has to review that? Oh, crap. Angle says he was forced to strike a deal to protect his family, and out come the World Elite. Oh right, it was Eric Young in the limo. Everyone shakes hands. Angle says it’s an honour to do business with Eric Young. EY says that together as a team, they will be revered as the greatest team of wrestlers ever assembled. N…W…O. As in, they just became it. Young’s men are dedicated to the cause, willing to do whatever it takes. Careful there Eric. If the disgusting, sick, selfish fools of this nation had given them the respect they deserved and treated them like stars, this could have all been avioded. Talk to Russo on that one Eric. It’s not just about Foley, it’s about an entire disgusting nation that should be held personally responsible. All that’s missing is the damn spray paint. Booker is talking to Angle and looks pissed.

JB is with Foley and wants his opinion. It’s the wrestling business JB! Nobody is bigger than the business. Foley is going to war. WAR FOLEY~! Sting and Lashley interrupt to say it’s showtime Mick. 3 and a bat against 11? Good luck with that, John Cena you guys ain’t.

Lauren is with Daniels, who has Young tonight. Daniels is pissed at Young for being a big meanie pants. This is one of the worst promos I’ve heard from Daniels. The Guns interrupt and act surprised about the camera being there and real. Funny stuff. Daniels lays into them and tells them to get noticed, and the way to do that is to go out with Daniels. Presumably to turn on him, right?

Oooh a match!

Daniels (w/ Motor City Machine Guns…kinda) vs Eric Young (W/ Kiyoshi and Sheik Abdul Bashir)

Young starts before the bell but drops his head and gets kicked. Choips by Daniels and a leg lariat. Whip and a corner splash but Daniels, he sets to do it again but Kiyoshi pulls Young to the floor. Double lariat to the outside by Daniels! Young gains control on the outside through nefarious means and Bashir throws Daniels back in. 2 count for Young. Back suplex by Young gets 2 more. Daniels again tries to fight back with rights but drops his head for a back drop and gets a spinning neckbreaker from Young. Crippler Crossface applied by Young! He releases the hold, hits a body slam then misses a moonsault. Flying forearm, clothesline and a dropkick by Daniels. Palm strike on the top by Daniels…ICONOCLASM! 2 count only. A sitout powerbomb gets 2 more. STO by Daniels…BEST. MOONSAULT. MISSES! Daniels sets for the Angel’s Wings but Kiyoshi sprays mist in his eyes! PILEDRIVER! 1…2…3!

Wiinner: Eric Young via pinfall (piledriver)

I like how Tenay is selling the piledriver as a move that just isn’t used, due to a locker room code against it. Makes Young seem like more of an asshole.

Mike and Don run down the show, which includes the Impact in-ring debut of Rob Terry. Distyurbing lack of Knockouts. Oh, and Sting vs Brutus Magnus in the main event.

Lauren is with Team 3D and Beer Money who are teaming up tonight. Roode doesn’t want to talk about the past, he wants to talk about Eric Young. He knows EY better than anyone. They traveled together way before TNA existed. They both begged Jarrett for an opportunity. He’s not going to stand for Eric Young running rampant in TNA. Ray says he has more reason to be pissed because Young cost them the IWGP titles. Well not really, the match wasn’t sanctioned. Awesome promo by Roode though.

British Invasion, Booker T and Scott Steiner vs Beer Money and Team 3D

Good Lord Scott Steiner looks small next to Rob Terry. The Boozer Cruiser is back~! The faces blitz the ring as Team 3D come down, sending the heels scurrying.

Steiner starts off in control of Ray with boots and forearms. Scoop slam by Steiner and he jawjacks enough that Ray recovers and hits a side slam and a big splash for 2. Tags to Devon and Williams, Williams misses a clothesline and eats a back elbow. Devon beats the tar out of Williams in the corner and tags in Storm, who gets his eyes raked. Storm comes back with a uranage for 2 and a running neckbreaker for 2 more. Double suplex!

BEER~!
MONEY~!
ROB TERRY! He takes out both men with clotheslnies then slams Roode. Short-arm clothesline by Terry, he tries a running powerslam but Roode escapes and hits some leg kicks and chops. Blockbuster by Roode gets 2 and EVERYONE IS IN! Pier 8 brawl! Williams and Ray are the last two in the ring. Slam by Ray…WAZZUUUUUUUUUUP! Headbutt to the groin by Devon.

“DEVON! WE NEED A STABLE!” Here come the rest of World Elite, but Daniels and the Guns are out to level the playing field! Yes, there are now 14-men out there. And now we have Nash! And Foley! Oh screw it. EVERYONE FIGHTS EVERYONE ELSE FOR 3 MINUTES. There, that should do it. Lashley and Joe hook up! They are wailing on each other!!! In the ring, Terry hits a spinebuster and…gets the pin??? Wait, what the hell? That wasn’t a DQ?

Winners: British Invasion, Scott Steiner and Booker T via pinfall (Terry on Roode, Spinebuster chokeslam)

Everybody is still fighting, kung fu and otherwise. What a strange finish. HI RUSSO! How’s that increased control working for you? Back from commercial and they’re STILL at it. I guess it does put over the feud, and I could handle this if the match hadn’t inexplicably carried on through it. Nash has been laid out backstage while Foley chokes out Angle. Somehow Angle fights back while security dances around ineffectually. The idiot timekeeper keeps ringing the bell. How’s that working out for you? In the ring Daniels hits the BME on Kiyoshi while the Guns cheerlead. Booker T is under a table that Ray is pounding on with a chair. Somehow Kiyoshi is now beating on Sabin alone in the ring. Ray is choking Steiner. OK now Daniels and the Guns are beating on Young, Kiyoshi and Bashir. Way to put over that new faction. Trash can shots everywhere.Wait….cops? Well that was interesting. I’m torn, because it was incredibly effective in elevating the hatred, it made the midcard feuds seem important and the constantly changing camera shots worked well. But it went on a long time and the match finishing 3 minutes into the brawl made no sense.

Alissa Flash and Traci Brooks vs Sarita and Taylor Wilde

Look at all the Canadians! Look at all of Traci’s boobery. Those things look ready to burst. Sarita looks to have shopped at…no idea.

Wilde and Traci start. Traci gets control early with a couple lucha arm drags. Traci tags in Flash, Wilde tags in Sarita. Rana by Sarita and some chops in the corner, a whip is rversed but it ends up with a Sarita arm drag. The heels bail and Sarita hits a big top rope crossbody to the outside with the help of Wilde. Back in the ring Flash takes advantage of Traci grabbing Wilde’s boot to throw her down, then tags in Traci. Traci chokes Wilde over the middle rope and hits a clothesline for 2. Flash in now…CURB STOMP! 1…2…no. DAMN she nailed that. Wilde tries to make the tag but Traci cuts her off, they duck each others moves and ciollide mid air as each goes for a crossbody. Hot tag! Elbow! Dropkick! Another dropkick! Sarita applies a Rings of Saturn variant!!! Broken by Traci, Wilde takes her outside and Sarita grabs a small package for the win!

Winners: Sarita and Taylor Wilde via pinfall (Sarita on Flash, small package)

Traci and Flash jump the faces post match…Michinoku Driver by Flash! The heels get their heat back.

Lauren is with The Beautiful people, saying that there’s a four-corner match next week: Kong vs Love vs ODB vs Tara. Love is not happy about Cody Deaner molesting her and Tara’s 18-legged reptile. No, really.

So if you read Holly’s interview, you’ll know that TNA needed Kip James urgently so Holly took his spot in Europe. Turns out that “urgent need” was to clean up after the brawl. He is doing just that when Hernandez arrives, over an hour into the show.

Lauren is with AJ. He says it’s like they’re in a crazy house. He’s never seen anything like this in his 7 years. Nothing is going to take away his focuse though. He’s one win away from getting a spot in the main event.

They run down the Hard Justice card.

Tenay has a sit-down interview with Hernandez. They talk about his injury, his background (his father was a Green Beret), Konnan’s flag-burning incident at the start of LAX (his family hated it) and hi relationship with Homicide. Right now they’re on different roads and he will be the world heavyweight champion, te gusta o no. According to the comments section from last week, that means “and that’s the bottom line”.

Homicide sputters some unintelligible shit, about the only thing I recognised was that 187 is far stronger than 13. He delivered it well, it just made no sense to me.

We get a recap of last week’s best of 3 series between AJ and Morgan. Match 2 is NEXT.

Best of 3 Series, Match 2: Matt Morgan vs AJ Styles

Anyone expecting AJ to win this? No? Good. AJ is confident.

AJ goes straight for the leg but Morgan powers him off. He uses his speed to trip Morgan and goes to work on the left leg of Morgan. He lets Morgan up and gets hammered with a clothesline. Back elbow strikes in the corner! Morgan continues to sell the leg before hitting an avalanche and a release side suplex. Morgan poses, AJ fights back but gets caught in a fallaway slam. Morgan chokes AJ over the top rope and hits a leg drop on the apron for 2. GOOZLE! Atyles flips out of it and hits a head kick and tries a tope rope move but Morgan throws him off. PELE! That gets 2 for AJ. AJ goes up top but delays, allowing Morgan to come over. AJ avoids Morgan and attacks the knee, goes for the springboard 450 but Morgan moves. AJ lands on his feet but gets dropped throat-first over the top and dropped with the Hellevator for 3!

Winner: Matt Morgan via pinfall (Hellevator)

We get a short vignette for “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero, debuting August 16!

JB is trying to talk to Angle, who is leaving. Abyss is disguised in a hoodie and calls JB over to say he doesn’t know who he can trust. JB is hiding a hammer behind is back. Riiiiiight. Consequences Creed confronts Abyss for busting him open, and while that is happening Jay Lethal pounces Abyss, call him “Andre” and saying that Dr Isaac Yankem laid the bounty. Abyss takes care of both of them sharpish.

Sting vs Brutus Magnus

Slick Johnson immediately bans Williams and Terry from ringside. Sting takes control early with some stiff shots, a hip toss and a big dropkick. Hey, remember when Sting was old? Magnus stalls, and the World’s Dumbest Wrestler falls for it, getting hit with an uppercut before Magnus goes to work on the leg.

Back from commercial just in time to see Sting hit an enziguiri and take charge. A series of rights but the Stinger Slpassh catches right foot. Scorpion Deathlock applied! Tap tap tap tap!!!

Winner: Sting via submission (Scorpion Deathlock)

The World Elite jump Sting post match but Lashley and Foley are out for the save and here we go again! The Mafia are coming out now and the heels far outnumber the good guys, dominating them. HERNANDEZ IS OUT! He has the jawbone of an ass! IT’S HERCULES HERNANDEZ!!! All we need now is Paul Roma. He clears the ring of all 11 heels, because you know, he has a chain. We close the show with Hernandez, Lashley, Sting and Foley standing tall.