411’s TNA Impact Report 10.01.09

Hey yo. Back in the saddle and ready to roll, it’s your boy Chris Lansdell. I actually didn’t watch the last show, so bear with me.

Abyss is out while the Impact music and pyro is still going. We get clips of the beatdown on him last week by Foley. Abyss says he can’t compete tonight, but he needs answers so he calls out Foley. Good God the Impact zone is actually chanting “We want answers”. Foley is out with Barbie the Bat and some security goons. Which one of you boys will get Black Hole Slammed? Foley wants to know what he owes Abyss, seeing as how he stole everything from Foley: look, style, everything. Foley says it’s not going to happen. Abyss says he came to the ring to save him from Nash, and the picture thing was an accident. He went in to get Barbie to save Mick. Foley says he didn’t have permission to enter the office or take his property. Foley keeps dropping Abyss’ real name for some reason. This sounds like a Sting promo. Foley says he never needed Abyss’ help before. He didn’t need to be saved. Then he plugs Hell in the Cell, which is LIVE, this Sunday on pay per view! Oh wait, wrong show. Foley reels off all the hardcore shit he’s done and says he doesn’t need Abyss’ help and he doesn’t need him. Abyss says Foley was his hero, he got Abyss through everything that went on in his life. Foley seems to mellow, and has a new Tweet and Tweak Connection picture for Abyss. But it’s not the real one, no. It’s a cheap imitation, a copy, a facsimile. Just like Abyss. OOOOOH BURN! Foley qualifies it by saying that Abyss is a formidable competitor, but he’s not in Foley’s league. He’s a cheap low-rate Mick Foley wannabe. Then Foley nails Abyss in the head with the picture. Orlando reckons Foley sold out. Foley leaves but Abyss mans up and chases him up the ramp, walking like a Bushwhacker. One goon has Barbie and gets a boot, another one gets chokeslammed on the ramp, and we have commercial.

Lauren is trying to calm down Abyss as we come back. Abyss is going bonkers as we cut back to the ring.

Ladder Match for an X-Division Title Shot – Amazing Red vs Sheik Abdul Bashir vs Kiyoshi vs Jay Lethal vs Consequences Creed

Red goes right for the ladder as Lethal peppers iyoshi with jabs and Creed works over Kiyoshi. Red gets an arm drag on Lethal, they run the ropes and Red snaps off a springboard rana. Creed tries a whip but Red ducks the clothesline and hits a leg lariat. Kiyoshi and Bashir double team Red but he comes back with a dropkick to both men, then sets up the ladder. He climbs but Lethal grabs one foot while Creed goes up top and hits a bulldog on Red off the rope while Red is on the ladder! Apparently Abyss’s search is more important than a multi-man ladder match as we cut away to see him menacing production guys. Seriously, who the hell would take a job in production for a wreslting company? They always get tormented. Back to the ring and OH MY GOD JIG N TONIC by Bashir on Creed! Damn! Lethal Combo to Bashir! Lethal sets up the ladder, he climbs and gets a hand on the contract before Red tips the ladder. Bashir and Kiyoshi intercept Red and go to work but once again he gets the better of them, kicking Kiyoshi in the face and rolling over his back to kick Bashir. Nice. Lucha spinning DDT to Kiyoshi, springboard flatliner to Lethal and an enziguiri to Creed. Creed is on one knee and Red snaps off another rana…either Creed’s mouth exploded or he threw up in the ring. OK gross, we get a replay with vomit coming out of his mouth. There’s one to remember for Ask 411. Red is up the ladder…and has the contract? Wow that was sudden. He looked impressive though.

Winner: Amazing Red via retrieval

Abyss is still Foley-hunting, but JB is with Red. He wants to celebrate, Lethal calls him Red Rooster and is pissed off but Creed calms him down. More Abyss screaming, and we go to commercial.

JB is with Stevie and Daffney ahead of Stevie’s match with Nash. JB wants to know if Stevie has been talking to Foley. Stevie denies it and says that Nash stole his money. The deal was to end Abyss’ career and he failed. So tonight he’s gonna end Nash’s career.

Dr Stevie vs Kevin Nash

Daffney distracts Nash right off the bat and Stevie takes Nash to the railing, the steps and the apron. He rolls Nash inside and stomps on him then mounts him with punches. Taz points out this is Big Stevie Cool vs Big Daddy Cool. Elbow drop by Stevie gets 2. Steive locks in a cobra clutch which apparently is called General Anaesthesia. Shrinks can give anaesthetic now? Nash just stands up and backs Stevie into the corner. Stevie has a baton of some sort but runs into a Nash boot. JACKKNIFE! Foot on the chest gets 3.

Winner Kevin Nash via pinfall (Jackknife)

The World Elite are with EY who are going to look for Angle. Christy and Traci walk with bunny ears as it’s the Battle of the Bunnies, next!

Back from commercial, the MEM dressing room is crowded is the World Elite are in there. Angle gives EY 5 seconds to state his business. Angle has a dog tag on. EY says he is owed an apology. Booker thinks as much of that as he does about Eric’s JC Penney suit. This degenerates into a slanging match as Young outsmarts the entire MEM alone and sows dissension.

Traci vs Christy Hemme

Traci throws her bunny tail at Christy and charges her. She lays in kicks and chops in the corner then chokes her over the middle rope. I thought WWE had the market cornered on this crap? Traci hits running double knees to the back of Christy, then gets a hair beal. She charges again but Christy gets her boots up then hits a facebuster and an axe kick for 2. Christy goes up top for the FFG…misses! 1…2…no! “FFG – SOL!” – Tenay. Traci charges Christy in the corner, she lifts herself up and rolls through with a sunset flip for the win!

Winner: Christy Hemme via pinfall (sunset flip)

Post match, Traci gets her heat back with a jawbreaker, leaving Christy laid out.

Back from commercial for the sit-down interview…no, Abyss has found Foley! It doesn’t seem to be working out too well for him though, as Foley is wearing him out with Barbie. Abyss hulks up and chokeslams Foley on an equipment case! Abyss goes to work but security shows up and it’s a pull-apart brawl. NOW we have the sit-down interview.

They discuss the ending to No Surrender. Sting says he doesn’t know how many times he was world champ, and he doesn’t feel like he passed the torch. AJ says he either passed the torch or he didn’t want it any more. AJ wants to know that Sting is ready, because if he isn’t then maybe he shouldn’t lace the boots up. AJ gets up and leaves. Normally I dislike these segments but that was strong stuff.

Tara is out with Poison to do some commentary for the next match.

TNA Knockout’s Championship – ODB (C) vs Awesome KONG~!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! At this time I would like to remind you, as per my contractual obligations, that Kong kills bitches dead. She is staring at Tara all through ODB’s entrance.

They exchange big forearms to start, ODB ducks a shot and hits some chops, then tries to take Kong down with two big shoulder tackles. Kong blinks then hits one of her own. ODB goes down. Kong goes for a splash that misses…BRONCO BUSTER by ODB! Whip by ODB reversed, both ladies miss an avalanche but Kong hits hers on the second try. PIT STOP! Shades of the Nasty Boys! Scoop slam and a leg drop by Kong is good for 2. Saeed goes over to Tara and gets up in her grill, Tara puts down the headset and stalks her. Kong intercedes and Tara snaps her neck over the rope, allowing ODB to get the schoolgirl for 3!

Winner: ODB via pinfall (schoolgirl)

Tara looks like she wants a thank you. ODB thinks not and we have a shoving match, which degenerates into a fight, which Kong ends by BITCH-KILLING them both with Implant Busters. Quality.

My DVR conked out, so let’s go to Rob McNew for coverage of the next match.

Kurt Angle vs. Hernandez
Angle grabs a side headlock to start, but Hernandez shoves that off and delivers a shoulderblock. Angle counters out of a delayed vertical suplex and delivers a series of European uppercuts, but Hernandez shrugs that off and delivers a shoudlerblock. Angle bails to the apron, but Hernandez goes for the delayed vertical again and holds Angle up FOREVER before finally dropping him. Probably 20 second on that one. Hernandez misses a Stinger splash, and Angle hits a German Suplex. Angle kicks Hernandez in the knee to take him off his feet, and then delivers a chop block. They trade right hands in the middle with Angle getting the better of it. Angle goes for a crossbody off the second rope, but Hernandez catches him and delivers a sitout power bomb for two. Hernandez sets up for the Border Toss, but Angle slides out going for a German Suplex. Hernandez elbows out, and looks to go for the Border Toss again, but instead he drops Angle face first to the mat for a two count. To the floor they go and Hernandez delivers a chop and then bashes his face off the apron. The brawl continues on the floor, and both men get counted out at 4:29. World Elite attacks both men from the back, and drags them to the locker room where they do a number on both men. Main Event Mafia shows up to make the save, and security is there to pull them apart.

Winner: Double Count Out

So Cal Val is with the Guns. They agree that their theme music sucks and they went out and found a new theme. Tremendous. We get to see that next week.

DAT AZZ SQUARED are out! But but but…no special entrance? Sky says that Angelina is gone from TNA, and it’s time for them to come clean. Over the past year they are not proud of their actions, they were rude and disrespectful. And it was largely due to Angelina. Rayne says she turned them into monsters, but they were afraid to go against her orders. Now that she’s gone, they want to show their true colours. I’d settle for seeing their pink. Awww, they want to apologise for their anus acts. DON’T DO IT! WE LOVED THEM! Oh heinous acts? My bad. They want to invite Sarita and Taylor out to apologise and wish them the best of luck in the Bound for Glory title match. 7 people are buying into this. Las Luchas are out and Sky begs for forgiveness. They shake hands but of course The Beautiful People try to blitz Las Luchas from behind! They saw it coming though and are able to hold their own until LACEY VON ERICH! She pulls Sarita aside and…CLAW HOLD! Mark out city! The new Beautiful People strike a pose.

Matt Morgan is with Val. She thinks Morgan is in the middle of a war between the Elite and the Mafia. He could care less, which of course means he does care. Tonight, he hurts Eric Young, and at BFG he destroys Kurt Angle. He’s pissed off, which I hear is better than being pissed on. Right R-Kelly?

So Cal Val is with The Beautiful People, who officially introduce Lacey as wrestling royalty.

Eric Young vs Matt Morgan

Morgan shoves Young down, but he gets right back up. Young gets some boots to the gut but Morgan uses his power to reverse a whip. Alternating back elbows in the corner followed by an avalanche by Morgan. Side drop suplex by the Blueprint, he whips Young he does the Flair bump up and over, then runs along the apron to the next corner. Morgan catches him, again just like Flair, but Young goes to the eyes to force him off and hits a missile dropkick. He drops some forearms and goes to the second rope…right into a foot. Reverse chokeslam into the corner by Morgan, followed by a big clothesline. He places Young’s head over the top rope and then leaps onto his back with a knee. Morgan is on the outside and gets CLOBBERED with a chair by a fan! Yes, it was Kurt Angle. The Mafia run down to attack EY and Morgan, now the Elite are out to attack the MEM, and we have ANOTHER pull apart brawl as security are out. Earning their paycheques tonight!

Winner: Matt Morgan via disqualification (Angle chair shot)

Back from commercial and the brawl is still going. Considering how badly outnumbered the Mafia is, that’s saying something. Wait, back to commercial? Mmmm OK…

Back again and we STILL have a brawl. The idiot timekeeper is STILL ringing the bell. A lot. It doesn’t work,

Lashley and Team 3D cut a standard promo on Rhino and the British Invasion. Commercial.

British Invasion and Rhino vs Team 3D and Bobby Lashley

Beer Money are out to commentate. Ray wants Rhino but Magnus jumps him from behind and hits a flying back elbow before running into a clothesline. Scoop slam and an elbow gets two. Tag to Devon and they hit a flapjack. Magnus goes to the eyes and tags in Williams but Devon comes back with a flying shoulder tackle. Scoop slam and a leg drop by Devon get 2 more. Tag to Lashely who gets backed to the corner briefly before hitting a back body drop into the lights on Williams. Shock treatment and a clothesline sends Williams up and over to the floor where the heels regroup. Rhino tags in and Lashley tags in Devon. Rhino gets a kneelift and a whip to the heel corner, Devon elbows the Brits off the apron but Big Rob trips him and crotches him around the post. Magnus is in with some rights, he tags in Williams and they hit the double team neck tie for 2. Williams tags Magnus back in, scoop slam gets 2. Chinlock now by Magnus, Devon elbows out but runs into a back elbow from Magnus. Magnus attacks Ray on the apron, stops short of hitting Lashley and turns around into a Devon spinebuster! Tag to Lashley! Clothesline! Beal to end all beals! Scoop slam! Yes, he is a house! En! FUEGO~! Hip toss to Rhino, corner clotheslines to Magnus and Williams and a shoulder charge in the corner to Rhino! Running powerslam on Williams gets 2 but Rhino breaks the pin. We have a 6 man brawl now, the faces have control. WAZZUP on Rhino. DEVON! Aesop’s Fables! The Brits try to charge 3D from behind but Lashley tells them to duck and takes them both out with a clothesline. 3D get the back suplex/neckbreaker on Rhino. Lashley hits a full nelson slam on Magnus then locks in the Dragon Sleeper on Williams for the easy win!

Winners: Team 3D and Bobby Lashley via submission (Lashley on Williams, Dragon Sleeper)

Lashley celebrates on his way up the ramp but is jumped by Samoa Joe! Kokina Klutch! Lashley is immobile as we go off the air!