RB Report: ROH At Our Best

ROH At Our Best
13 March, 2004

*Samoa Joe’s ring. He’s at the ROH training school. In the back are the students, I recognise Matt Turner, Anthony Franco, Shane Hagadorn and Davey Andrews. Samoa Joe talks smack about the Pure Wrestling title. Apparently, Matt Turner’s real name is Drew. Joe is going to show us a way to take out pure wrestlers. Joe takes him down and locks the leg in a Cloverleaf position and goes to a leglock, describing everything he’s doing. From there he moves to an STF, then to a Crossface, which costs Drew to tap out. That was a fun little segment.

*Dusty Rhodes is signing autographs pre-show when all of a sudden, and most randomly, Ox “HEART PUNCH” Baker runs along. “Dusty Rhodes, I’m talking to you, Suh. Suh! I happen to be talking to you, Suh!” – Mr. Baker. He’s pissed about Dusty claiming he ran Ox out of Florida. Dusty tries to ignore him and go away, but Ox follows. “Get off me boy, I stomp a mudhole in yo’ ass!” – Mr. Baker to a fan before proceeding to slam a chair off his own head. Dusty gets in the ring and takes off his shirt. Sick. Ox tries to do the same, but someone stops him. Awesome. “Don’t talk to me about the Bionic Elbow, I don’t want to hear that shit, boy!” Dusty gets on the mic, but I don’t know what he’s saying over the fan’s laughter. “Dusty Rhodes, I will….UGGGHHHH!” Fans chant “ROH”. FIVE STARS!

*Sugar Sean Price is backstage with Julius Smokes. Nothing happens.

The Amazing Red vs. Jack Evans vs. Jimmy Rave vs. Teddy Hart vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Mark Briscoe
Rave wasn’t quite the crown jewel of the Embassy by this point and is still a babyface, slapping hands with the fans and all. What about that Teddy Hart, huh? Ain’t he just a kooky character? I’ve never been a fan on Sonjay, I just can’t get into him. The Briscoes are the current Tag Team champions, but Jay has a steel cage match with Joe later on in the evening. They all shake hands. Mark and Rave start. They do mat reversals. God, I hate Rave’s pants. It looks like he’s wearing garbage bags. Nice sunset flip from Rave gets two. Springboard dropkick sends Rave to the outside and Dutt comes in with a ‘rana. Mark bails and Evans is in againt Dutt. COUNTER MAYHEM! They trade ‘ranas and I yawn. Sonjay sloppily blocks one and flips him off into a facebuster. Dutt out, Hart in. Evans and Hart are partners, so Evans tags to Red. This is apparently Red’s first appearance since Death Before Honor the previous year. Gabe on commentary says he doesn’t like Hart. Hart stalls for ages. THIS IS NOT WHAT WE WANT FROM SIX MAN MAYHEM MATCHES! WE WANT 1240 DEGREE DIVES TO THE OUTSIDE! Teddy gets dumped on his head from a German. Rave and Dutt get bored of the stalling and roll both men up. Those two go at it. Dutt hits a cool bottom rope 619 round the bottom rope. We get the first dive of the match as Dutt jumps off the referee, over the top rope and onto Rave. Briscoe with an SSP to the outside! Hart goes up and hits a sky twister press. Evans busts out an even flashier move. It’s Red’s turn, but Rave cuts him off by tripping him. Running knee to Red, which Gabe calls a Shining Wizard. Rave locks in a crossface on Dutt and Teddy just hits an SSP onto the mat in the corner. Okay…Get this man off my screen. Rave punishes him with a SHARPSHOOTER! Hart gets out and stops to sort his trousers. Shooting star press elbow drop to Rave. Yes, a friggin’ shootin star elbow drop. Dutt with a DRAGON RANA to Hart. FLIPPY MADNESS~! Evans lays him out with a Michinoku Driver II and lands a 630 SPLASH! For some reason, Briscoe decides to roll Dutt – the man who just took a Michinoku Driver and 630 splash – out the ring and nail a cut-throat driver on Evans. Red spikes Briscoe with an Island Driver. Joe’ll be pissed. That only gets two. DVD to Dutt and a standing SSP finishes Dutt off for Red(11:12).

Rating: ***. Lots of fun action. What you’d expect from a six-man mayhem, they’re there to get the fans into the show with fast-paced, exciting high spots. The end seemed a bit anti-climatic; after about fifty head-dropping maneouvers, Red finished with a move that looked like it had no impact whatsoever.

*Colt Cabana and Ace Steel are backstage, about to cut a promo when CM Punk comes along and tells them to stop their “shenanigans, tomfoolery or hi-jinx”. Cabana seems to take offence to Punk saying they’re not on the same wave-length as him.

*Gary Michael Cappetta is in the ring. I loved him as ring announcer in WCW, but in ROH he has a genuine role, and he’s just awful. He calls out Julius Smokes. Catchphrases follow. He lays down a verbal beating on Samoa Joe. Homicide is going to kick Joe’s ass. More catchphrases follow.

*Ricky Steamboat is making sure Punk and AJ Styles know the pure wrestling rules. Punk bitches about referees not knowing the rules.

*Slyk Wagner Brown (w/ April Hunter) vs. Xavier (w/ Prince Nana)
Xavier is a former ROH Champion. Xavier punked Slyk out at War of the Wire. They work the mat to start. They trade armdrags. Xavier bails after an ugly armdrag, but Slyk follows with a tope. Back in, Slyk covers for two. Big knee to the head of Slyk on the apron and he gets thrown into the railing on the outside. Back in, back suplex gets a one-count for Xavier. Slyk flips around and hits a belly-to-belly into the corner – a spot that would go on to be very much overused in 2006 by about everyone in the indys. Nice side slam gets two. Xavier gains control and strikes away. Nice knee to the MUSH of Wagner. Xavier continues to pound away and he messes up a sunset flip, so Slyk locks in a wacky submission. They counter finishers. Xavier lands a Dragon Suplex, but it only gets two. He locks in a half-nelson submission and Slyk taps(7:28).

Rating: Well, that certainly was underwhelming. Still, if they went any longer it probably would have been Snore-City. Population: these two goofs. I slay me. *1/2.

*Nigel McGuinness vs. Jerry Lynn
Thankfully, Nigel isn’t in his “I-will-lariat-you-fifty-times-in-ten-minutes” phase. God, I hate Nigel these days. They chain wrestle and trade armdrags to an INDY STAND-OFF~! They trade holds on the mat. Nigel is mega-fun back in his mat-wrestler period. Unwanted fact: Nigel vs. Homicide from the Midnight Express Reunion show was the first ROH match I ever seen. I seen it on the The Wrestling Channel, back when it still showed wrestling. Amirite, UK fans?! Anyway, back to the match. They’re still trading moves. Jerry monkey flips Nigel into the ropes and gets a two from a second-rope clothesline. Nigel’s counters are awesome. Commentators talk about Dave Taylor showing interest in ROH. Lynn lands his legdrop onto the apron. That made Nigel look like a fool for setting himself up for it. Strangely, they bang heads, and are both down on the mat. Nigel gets a pair of two-counts from quick pinning combinations. Lynn busts out a DDT to try and put Nigel away. He goes for a piledriver, but Nigel reverses to a failed pin attempt. Lynn lands a reverse DDT and tries to follow with a TKO, but Nigel again reverses and nails a lariat. Lynn counters a piledriver attempt into an Emerald Frosion, but that only manages to get two in the Brit. That gets boos from the crowd. Nigel has shaken it off already and rolls Lynn up with a pinning combination for a two-count. Lynn fakes a leapfrog and plants Nigel with the Cradle Piledriver for the victory(10:59).

Rating: ***. This was a fun, if un-spectacular match. I don’t have anything bad or particularly good to say about it.

*A jabroni team are in the ring. I have no idea who they are. They talk about being the best team on the show tonight. They apparently wrestled on the pre-show. Dunn and Marcos come out. The jabron team punk out the Ring Crew Express, but they come back and take out the jabrons.

*Number One Contenders Trophy
Matt Stryker vs. John Walters
Neither of these men are in ROH these days. Although, I’m embarrassed to admit that I would like to see Walters back. Send all your hate mail to [email protected]. Hell, they have no-personality guys like Matt Cross, why not John Walters? They chain-wrestle to start. Walters works the arm of the uni-browed one. Lots of cool arm-work here. He locks in a Sharpshooter variation that also pulls on the arm. Stryker fights out of it, but Walters goes straight back to work, slamming the arm off the apron and landing a legdrop onto it. Stryker gets thrown into the guardrail. Uppercuts from Walters. Stryker begins to dominate on the outside, throwing Walters around ring-side. Back in. Dueling chants for both men. I lose interest as Stryker remains in control. He works over the back and arms of Walters. DIVORCE COURT from Walters! Release German suplex out of Stryker. Both men are tired and down on the mat. Powerslam on Walters only gets two. Backpack Stunner from Walters and he locks in a cool submission. Stryker gets out, so Walters drags him to the centre of the ring and locks in the StrykerLock. He gets to the ropes and Stryker locks in the StrykerLock this time. Walters refuses to tap and passes out eventually(11:58).

Rating: Wow, what a dumb and unnecessary finish. Stryker hadn’t touched the legs of Walters prior to locking in the StrykerLock, so Walters passing out about ten seconds into the hold really made no sense. I know it was to put Stryker and his finisher over huge, but I still would’ve liked to see some leg-work. **.

*The Second City Saints (Colt Cabana and Ace Steel w/Traci Brooks) vs. The Prophecy (BJ Whitmer and Dan Maff w/Allison Danger)
Cabana gets on the mic before the match and talks trash to the fans. He says he’s going to kill the Prophecy. I find it hard to take him seriously. This is a continuation of a feud that had been long run into the ground by this point. These days, both Cabana and Steel are under WWE developmental contracts, and Maff has been blackballed from most companies in America for reasons that I won’t go into. Big brawl to start the match. Ace locks Maff in an Octopus Stretch. Whitmer breaks it up. Maff powerbombs Ace into the corner, Whitmer dropkicks him, sending him to a sitting position in the corner. Cannonball from Maff. German to Whitmer from Cabana. Too much stuff is happening for me to keep up with. Commentators discuss whether Brooks or Danger is hotter. The Saints take out Maff. Traci gets in and teases a Bronco Buster, but Danger gets in and we have a cat fight. How cliche. They exit the ring and the teams go back at it. Maff just standing there as Ace pulls his partner out of the ring and attacks him is…weird. Maff channels Bubba Dudley. Cabana lands a beautiful Asai Moonsault to Whitmer. Maff teases a dive onto both, but is cut off by Ace. They brawl into the crowd. Maff finally gets his chance and hits a tope onto all three men. Whitmer attacks the referee and the bell is rung(7:55).

Ace takes a SICK unprotected chair shot right to the head from Maff. Teams continue to brawl and the lockerroom empties. WRESTLING CLICHES~! Some guy can be heard shouting “GO GET GABE!” about a hundred times. This must be a shoot. Maff declares that “this shit has just begun”. Oh, fuck.

Rating: **1/2. There was a lot of stuff fitted into the time they were given, but my total apathy towards this feud meant I just couldn’t get into it. Wasn’t really diggin’ the no contest ending either.

*ROH Pure Wrestling Title
CM Punk vs. “The Phenomenal” AJ Styles (c)
Battle of the abbreviations! Pure wrestling rules are in effect, meaning pretty much that wrestlers are limited to three rope breaks and there’s a twenty-count on the floor. Ricky Steamboat is YOUR special guest referee. He is introduced to the fans before the match and gets a big pop. This one totally has a big-match feel to it. Introductions done in-ring definitely added to the feeling. They trade arm submissions to start. Headscissors from Punk. Styles flips out of it and works in a side headlock. Front face lock from Punk. Style runs into the ropes while Punk still has it locked in and that is Styles’ first rope break gone. They trade more stuff on the mat. Armdrags to a stand-off. Punk backs AJ into the ropes, breaks and bitch slaps him. Styles pushes Punk into the corner and unloads on punches. Big boot from Punk. AJ gets straight back up and they get in each other’s face. IT IS ON! They do a test of strength and trade headbutts. Neither release the test and continue striking each other. Nice pinning combination from Punk gets two. He misses the Shining Wizard and AJ takes him out with a dropkick. AJ misses the discus lariat and falls out the ring. He tries to climb back in, but Punk dropkicks him to the guardrail. He follows AJ out. He whips him into the rail, but AJ jumps over. Punk charges but gets caught with a superkick. Back in, neckbreaker out of Punk. Punk targets the neck, ramming AJ head-first into the turnbuckle and locking in a Camel Clutch. AJ counters it into an STF. Punk grabs the rope and that’s his first rope break gone. Punk hits a boot to the face of AJ and hits a delayed vertical suplex. Punk takes some time out to rest. AJ gets straight back up from the suplex and nails a German suplex. Punk gets up and hits a clothesline to the back of AJ’s head. Styles unloads a series of kicks and slaps. Punk blocks a dropkick and locks in a Boston Crab. AJ uses his second rope break. Punk won’t let go and Steamboat slaps him. HA! He lets go and attempts a piledriver. He can’t get AJ up, so he pounds the back. WELCOME TO CHICAGO~! Cue Gage shilling the upcoming show in Chicago. PELE KICK from Styles! Styles puts Punk on the top rope. They battle over the advantage and both fall to the outside. Back in. Punk misses another Shining Wizard. They trade pinning attempts and PUNK hits the STYLES CLASH! AJ uses the ropes to break the pin-attempt and he has no rope breaks left. Punk gets in Steamboat’s face. AJ rests on the floor. He comes back in and unloads some chops. Punk goes to a sleeper. He works the sleeper for a looooong time. Styles eventually falls to the mat. Steamboat begins raises his arm. It falls the three times, but after it falls for the third time, AJ starts powering out. Steamboat lets the match continue. Two lariats from AJ only get two on Punk. Punk again goes to the sleep, but Styles shoots him off and nails a discus lariat for the win(24:09)!

Post-match, Samoa Joe storms the ring. He gets in the face of AJ. Steamboat pulls them apart. A fan throws a piece of garbage at Joe’s head. I laughed. Steamboat makes the two champions shake hands. Punk gets on the mic and bitches about AJ’s arm falling three times. Steamboat gets on the mic, but I can hear pretty much nothing that he’s saying. He turns his back on Punk. Punk grabs him, but Steamboat whips him into the ropes. ARMDRAGS! He hits a chop and Punk bails.

Rating: ****. This was just phenomenal stuff, no pun intended. The sleeper stuff at the end was cool due to the neck work earlier in the match, but I hated AJ’s arm falling three times and then the match continuing. Otherwise, I have nothing else to complain about. I bumped the rating up a little bit for the post-match awesomeness.

*GMC is backstage with number one contender Matt Stryker. GMC is wondering which champion Stryker will decide to challenge, Joe or AJ. If Joe wins tonight, he’ll go for Joe, because he’s bound to be getting tired by now.

*Sugar Sean Price runs into Samoa Joe. He’s somewhat nervous about his upcoming cage match. He also talks about his upcoming title defences against Homicide and Matt Stryker. He tells SSP to go find Julius Smokes and tell him he can find Joe and talk to him.

*GMC is with Jay and Mark Briscoe. This promo is unintentionally hilarious. Jay is uber-confident about taking the strap from Joe.

*We get clips of two matches from the convention card earlier in the evening: Hydro vs. Roderick Strong and Austin Aries vs. Danny Daniels. Both look decent, but I won’t bother re-capping clipped matches that go about three minutes each. Hydro pins Strong and Aries goes over Daniels.

*Cage Match
ROH World Heavyweight Championship
Samoa Joe (c) vs. Jay Briscoe (w/Mark Briscoe)
This match can be won by either pinning or submitting the opponent in the ring, or simply exiting the cage, WWF-style. The bell rings and Jay runs straight for the door. Joe pulls him away and just destroys him. Jay escapes and again goes for the door. Joe grabs him and Jay hits a Yakuza kick. Mark opens the door for Jay, but Jay tells him to just close it because “he’s got him”. Uh-oh, he’ll regret that. Jay controls the big man, but he comes back with chops. He rams Jay’s face into two sides of the steel cage. Joe kicks the door into Mark’s face and then chains the door closed. Awesome. Jay’s head is pouring blood. Joe drops a big knee over his head. Joe grinds Jay’s head into the cage. He has blood on his fingers and LICKS it off. Blood is literally pouring out of Jay’s head. Joe sits Briscoe in the corner and hits a couple of facewash kicks. Mark’s face looking at his bloody brother is hilarious. Jay busts out a superkick from out of nowhere. He tries to climb the cage, but he seems totally out of it. SUPER BACK DROP DRIVAAH on Jay! Joe takes a while to get up and he only gets a two when he covers him. Jay ducks a clothesline and lands a back suplex. He again climbs, and again Joe follows. Jay fights him and hits a SUPER ACE CRUSHER! This is insane. They both get up and trade forums. LARIATOOO from Jay Briscoe. Both men again fight to the top turnbuckle. They trade chops and Jay kicks Joe to the mat, only to fall back down himself. Enziguri from Joe. Joe hits an Ole kick to Jay, who is leaning against the cage. The cage breaks and Mark tries to pull Jay out. Joe stops him and pulls Jay back in the ring. Powerbomb into an STF on Jay. Joe pulls at the wound on Jay while in the hold. Jay manages to make the ropes. OH, FUCK, the blood pouring out Jay’s head is clotting. KNEES AND SLAPS TO THE HEAD. ENZIGURI FROM JAY! JAY DRILLLLLER!!! Both guys are out. Mark starts scaling the cage only for AJ Styles to run out and hit a Styles Clash on the floor to Mark. Jay is climbing the cage again. He gets half-way over the cage, but Joe pulls him back in, gets him up, SUPER MUSCLE BUSTER! DANGEROUUUUUSSSSS~! Joe covers, ONE-TWO-THREE(14:06)!

Joe has now hold the title for one whole year. As referees get in the ring and try to stop the bleeding from Jay’s head, Joe gets on the mic and puts his long-time rival over. As he’s leaving the cage, Joe swings the cage door into AJ’s face.

Rating: Damn, that was one heck of a match. I’ve seen it about five times now and it never gets old. This was everything a cage match should be: brutal, bloody and filled with breath-taking spots. Absolutely incredible. ****1/2.

*Scramble Cage Match
The Carnage Crew (Loc, DeVito, Justin Credible and Masada) vs. Special K (Izzy, Dixie, Hydro, Angel Dust, Lit, Cheech, Deranged, Slim J, Mellow and various other goofs)
Needless to say, the Carnage Crew are somewhat out-numbered here. Dixie and Loc start out. Dixie tries to escape the cage, but gets the crap whipped outta him by Loc. Brainbuster to Dixie. Loc continues with the beating. Loc gets powder thrown in his face. DeVito gets in. They, of course, dominate Dixie. Deranged in. He botches a ‘rana and gets powerbombed into the cage. Everyone slowly starts filling into the ring. As does a ladder. Dusty Rhodes come out and hits several boinic elbows to the Special K guys. They soon outnumber Dusty and OX BAKER~! is out. He and Dusty brawl to the back. Credible begins caning people. Yawn. Almost everyone goes to the outside. Slim J climbs to the top of the cage and hits a flippy-do-da to the outside onto everyone. MASADA climbs to the top and hits a 450 to everyone. That was awesome. Loc and DeVito take Angel Dust to the top of the cage and DeVito piledrives him off, through a table. Thankfully, that’s the end.

Rating: 1/2*. Can I get a side-plate of boring with my dull please? Yeaaah.

*Carnage Crew are all happy backstage until they realise that someone has shit in their bags…What?

*Samoa Joe punks out Julius Smokes and tells him to tell Homicide that his challenge is accepted.

The 411: This show sure is a mixed-bag. There's AWESOME stuff, such as the two titles matches, some BAD stuff, such as the main event, and lots of other decent stuff in between.
Final Score:  6.5   [ Average ]