wrestling / Columns
The Cheers ‘n Jeers of Wrestling 12.01.08: The IC Title, Political Kennedy is Political, Jack Swagger and More!
Hi everybody. You know what is so last week? Writing introductions to columns. That used to be the way to go, but it’s become passé, so I’m not going to do it anymore. Though maybe in two weeks I’ll revive it as some kind of retro thing. We’ll see.
Why two weeks? I’m going to be gone next week, but the fantabulous Daniel Wilcox will be here to fill-in, so no need to start battin’ the missus around. On with the cheers…
CHEERS
to the Intercontinental Championship belt! I’ve always loved the intercontinental championship. It just sounds cool and important, you know? But sadly, the once prestigious prize hasn’t meant much, since, well…it’s been quite a while now. Maybe 2001 or so. Along the way it began to change hands more often than I change my underwear and too many times it’s been used as a consolation prize for stars who are above it. Frequently, it’s gone long stretches without any noteworthy defenses (or challenges, for that matter) and it was even discontinued altogether for a while.
But now that there is a “Best of the Intercontinental Championship” DVD coming out, the WWE is conveniently remembering that it was once one of the richest prizes in all of wrestling. It got the royal treatment Monday night, with a tournament to find a new number one contender kicking off AND people actually talking about how important it is! Shit, at this rate it might actually make it onto the next Wrestlemania card.
We had wrestling’s first Intercontinental champion (and wrestling’s first homosexual (yeah right!)), Pat Patterson, come out to provide some French fried commentary during the tourney, and later, current title holder William Regal did the same. I wasn’t crazy about Regal starting up another I-C run, but at least he’s trying to put over it’s importance, saying it means so much to him he hopes to retire with it. Now that’s how you start to make a belt mean something.
Remember when D’Lo got himself and the European title over just by making such a big goddamn deal out of it? No? I do. Either way, it’s nice to see Regal act like it’s a big accomplishment. Too bad that few who’ve held it in the last several years can say the same thing, outside of Santino Marella. RAW was a good start and I’ll remain hopeful that the long suffering strap is on the road to redemption, but unfortunately the good intercontinental times will likely last only as long as they feel like promoting the DVD. Prove me wrong, WWE. Prove me wrong.
“A parenthesis inside a parenthesis? Are you fucking kidding me?”
JEERS
to known Republican (and 2008 McCain campaign supporter) Mr. Kennedy for attempting to cash in on Obama fever during his alarmingly heatless return on Monday Night RAW. Kennedy proceeded with a lame bit about which WWE superstar most closely resembles the President elect while the majority of the crowd caught a quick nap between the matches. Really, that could not have been anywhere close to the reception Kennedy or the E were looking for and I’d say it doesn’t bode well for the sales of that crappy movie nobody’s going to see. Bonus Jeers to Kennedys’ douchey, moustache-less goatee.
Seriously, if you have one of these, you’re a douche. I’m sorry, but there’s just no getting around it. Douche!
CHEERS
to “All-American, American” Jack Swagger for beating Tommy Dreamer in a hell of an extreme rules match on this week’s ECW. The cheers is more for the match, as honestly, beating Tommy Dreamer isn’t exactly an achievement worth shouting from the rooftops. But Swagger did look good in the match, showing more grit than he’s previously had the chance to do and proving that he has what it takes to hang with the hardcore homies.
CHEERS
to good ol’J.R. for shooting from the hip in a recent blog (though he’s probably written 300 more new ones by the time this goes to press) and laying the smack down on ignint fans. The blogginator had some scathing remarks for those who had questioned his comparing of Mike Knox to Bruiser Brody and had a few choice words for some Smackdown attendees who’d raised his ire with their obnoxious banter. Mr. Crankypants also took a swipe at the majority of “The Universe”, calling them pussies for not likely being able to handle a sixty minute match (I’m paraphrasing). He’s probably right about that, but it seems unfair to indict the fans when it’s his boss who is ultimately responsible for cultivating our three minutes-or-less culture.
Regardless, it’s always fun to see Jim bare a little fang in his blogs, which actually make for an OK read more times than not. But you already knew that, didn’t you?
If his BBQ sauce had as much bite as his blog, he might sell more of it. Ha ha ha, just kidding, ya big grump!
Go buy some right now!
You thought I was going to make fun of his Bell’s palsy? What am I, Tazz? I’m not as mean, miserable and nasty as him, though we do share a common reputation for being bad neighbors…
Incidentally, that is one of my top 3 favorite promos of all the times. Too bad I couldn’t find an uncensored one. Oh well. What was I doing? Oh, yeah…
CHEERS
tp Hulk Hogan for refereeing Ric Flair‘s kid in his upcoming debut match. Taking a look at the roustabouts who will be involved, the snicker factor is pretty high, as we have Reid partnering with brother David to take on the Nasty Boys in what will, presumably, be a shitfest for the ages. But I recall Flair being pretty pissed in his book at Hogan for taking liberties with David during a belt whipping session on an episode of Nitro, so it’s nice to see Hulk trying to make up for being such a dick and lending his fame to what should be an “epic” encounter.
I’d like it to be noted that this will be the first and last time these two words, in this precise order, will ever be seen in one of my columns:
JEERS
to Robert Downey Jr. for getting knocked out cold by Kurrgan(!) during the filming of a new Sherlock Holmes movie. It’s an oddity of a story, but the truth commission have confirmed that Rob’s mouth needed six stitches once he came to. How the mighty have fallen. Downey used to get his name in the papers for doing cool shit like taking way too much heroin and waking up in a dress in some strangers’ yard. Now he’s getting his ass kicked by a guy who used to carry a Cartman doll to the ring. Oh wait, that was Golga, wasn’t it? Well, he got his ass kicked by a guy who used to hang out with someone who carried a Cartman doll to the ring, and that’s close enough.
I’ve heard that Downey was so shook he’s refused to take off his Iron Man suit, lest Kurrgan challenge him to another round. I’d like to know how the hell he goes to the bathroom in that thing.
I just…do
CHEERS
to the Slammy Awards for making a welcome return to the WWE landscape after an eleven year absence. We don’t know the nominees, but we do know the categories (gee, I wonder who will take home ‘best impersonation’) and that the ceremony will take place during next week’s three hour Raw. Most importantly, we know that the potential for disastrously memorable moments is high, though we don’t yet know if musical numbers will figure in. We know it won’t be the best Slammy award presentation ever because Owen‘s not around to win a third one and Savage won’t be there to pretend to play the saxophone. But we hope for the best.
Bonus jeers to Meehan for already running down who should win what, and to Lansdell for already complaining about Meehan doing that, leaving me with a cavernous void that I shall fill with a salacious picture.
Back-story: The late ’80’s were a tough time for some, none more so Teddy Long, who was reduced to giving hand jobs (hey, those zoot suits don’t pay for themselves) in the days before he found fame and fortune as a general manager. What does this have to do with the Slammy Awards? Nothing, but one of the recipients here would go on to die and rack up a few Slammys of his own. The other guy would go on to become a creepy motivational speaker and disappear. What a cliché!
JEERS
to Michael Cole for being even more inane than usual, spouting disbelief at Jericho’s condemnation of the WWE fans as “sickos”. Yeah, genius, it’s hard to believe it because it didn’t happen. He called them “sychophants”, which, well, that’s probably worse, actually. Bah. Maybe I’m picking on the guy ’cause quality news items have been so lacking this week. He probably has Vince shrieking in his ear half the time anyway.
Apparently it’s been a slow news week for a lot of people
Late breaking CHEERS
to Tyson Tomko for re-signing with the WWE after spending some time in TNA and abroad getting better at what he does. Let’s hope his former kayfabe employer follows suit, which is said to be a strong possibility. Arrrggh! Fucking sign already Christian! I’ve been itching to give you cheers for it, but I don’t want to jinx it. Like I probably just did. Idiot!
*JEERS* of the week
to bad news! The world this week, or at least, the media’s portrayal of it, seemed to have a much darker tone than it’s had since our super happy fun election night and all the good tidings that followed it. I’m no dummy (despite, well…everything) and I’m aware of the ceaseless misery and suffering that engulfs our home planet, but I wasn’t expecting Thanksgiving week to be such a bummer for anybody besides Native Americans.
Of course, there’s all that horrible shit going on in India, but what left me particularly disheartened was the death-by-shopping that greeted Wal-Mart employee Jdimytai Damour during the “Black Friday” sale at a Long Island store. I try and look at the bright side as much as I can reasonably be expected to, but there isn’t one here, save possibly for the fact that the poor guy doesn’t have to work at Wal-Mart anymore. But can there be a shittier way to go, and for a shittier reason? Savings? AMAZING deals? Cheap shit that’s going to be obsolete in a year? Unless somebody fucked up royally when designing it, I’m sure there’s a special place in hell for people who trample (or ignore the trampling) of a hapless employee en route to nabbing the deal of the day at fuckin’ Wal-Mart. If you believe in that sort of thing. Which I don’t. Man, being an atheist sucks ass sometimes. Oh well, at least there’s absurd, escapist entertainment to provide comfort and respite from the realities of the world, if only for a while.
*CHEERS* of the Week
to this:
What’s good in the hood or this is what I read on 411 today:
MEEHAN!!
THE Brian Kendrick smokes a lot of pot? Look out Undertaker, I might just have a new all-time favorite!
THE SEXY RANDLE NEWS SEXPERIENCE
Sorry ladies, but this one’s off the market now
L DIZZLE’S SUNDAY BRIZZLE
It’s Lansdell’s last Brunch! I think he’ll be providing Monday’s “Lupper” now.
KAHMMENT BAWKS
This week’s entry comes from former Cheers ‘n Jeers enemy (and current frenemy?) gbh1978, who rightly pointed out that the Kozlov/ ‘Unter match never stood a chance of winning over the crowd.
“Hey Mike, good column this week. I agree with all your C’s and J’s but I think you overlooked a couple of key points. First the Strongbow thing was very disapointing, watching it made me feel bad for the man. I feel it was a lack of basic manners and respect. Even if the “universe” didnt know who he was, they still should have realized that he was a man of importance and respect and treated him as such. The E is not going to take the time to acknowledge a nobody on live television! Moving on to the WWE title match at SS… Yes it was a bad match and the crowd HATED it, but heres why… The wrestling itself wasnt so terrible, it was slower and had a old school feel. It could have been a five star Flair classic match and the crowd still would have booed it. The bait and switch that was perpetrated doomed it before it started. People wanted Hardy, people love Hardy, people were pissed there was no Hardy. Giving the belt to lil’ John Studd was too little too late.”
To be honest, I was deflated myself at the prospect of a one-on-one match between the two and wound up sorta half-watching it until the fun stuff started, so I don’t have a strong opinion on it one way or the other. It sure looked boring everytime I looked up from my coloring book, though.
Little John Studd? Ding-ding-ding…we have a winner!
That’s about that. Oh! I almost forgot! I’d be completely remiss if I didn’t share this amazing piece of footage with you. So, I’m trying to finish my year-end voting (spoiler alert: 411’s year end awards are soon), and nestled amongst the nominees for ‘spot of the year’ was this gem:
Don’t know that it will win, but it probably should, and I thank my fellow 411ers (here, where none of them will see it) for turning me onto this, and, by extension, CHIKARA, which I’ve pretty much ignored for the most part.
Bye for now, and, uh, try not to get trampled to death or blown up, alright?
Unless it’s by an invisible grenade.
