411’s WWE Velocity Report 08.02.03

This is George Brower (V.4), serving my time for Pat. Last week I got married in the Catholic Church. This was just a formality of my religion since Cheryl and I were
already married back in October of 2000. The church made us go through a
whole ceremony, complete with Best Man and Maid of Honor. I though I
should have Pat reprise his role as Best Man. He though as punishment for
making him do that again, I should recap Velocity this week…

VELOCITY #63

#63 was Pat’s jersey number when he was All State in football. Did I say All State? I meant All Conference. Did I say All Conference? I meant Captain of the football team. Did I say Captain? I meant he started a bunch of games, which was only every game he started more than the games I started. I was a late bloomer. But he was Co-Captain of the Wrestling team. Really.

Josh Matthews blathers on how we are only six days removed from Velocity (and here I was still trying to remember how many days we were removed from Wrestlemania) Kurt Angle is Champ again four months after surgery for his broken freakin’ neck (does he still tear a quad muscle every day?) and Eddie G is the US Champ. Finally Cat speaks so we know he’s here too.

Match #1:Version 1 vs. What you’ll be in your bedroom later:
Referee: Present and accounted for
I started to do play by play, but my son woke up crying (dreaming about Big Show again) not five minutes after I put him to bed, so here’s the abbreviated recap: Collar and elbow tie up. Nice arm drag by Hardy…Twist of Fate after Spanky misses the moonsault, for the win. It was a pretty decent match, but I was feeding Parker during the whole thing and don’t feel like going back. I do recall a lovely neck breaker/airplane spin that Matt did for a near fall. I’d apologize for the short shrift, but if you really cared you’d watch the damn show. And don’t give me any crap about it not being available in your area. Suck it up and move.
WINNER: Matt Hardy V.1

Still to come: Angle and the Noble/Wilson affair

Smackdown is going to Canada and then Kansas and Missouri, which is only slightly more exciting than Canada. See it live so no one has to waste valuable video tape.

If you are looking for witty commercial recaps, try W. Dal Bush’s Confidential recap. There will be no gimmick infringement here.

Smackdown’s #1 Announcer, Funaki interrupts Shanequa spanking the Bashams to talk about the beating they took Sunday in APA Invitational. They claim they were sucker punched and are about to show Funaki (pun intended) a ral beating when the APA arrive. Bradshaw says he thinks the guy in the middle is a woman. Me, I need more proof. Bradshaw says the Bashams should find a partner, “Not him” as Bradshaw refers to Shanequa again, and have a six man tag.

Recap of Noble and Wilson from Thursday. Go read the Smackdown recap for more.

Next up it’s…Ultimo Dragon.

MATCH #2: Little Guido Vs. Ultimo Dragon
Referee: Yes, I see him clearly
Nunzio to the ring w/o the rest of the FBI. Dragon chases him around the outside and gets caught getting back in. Great match with leg sweeps, head scissors, kicks and near falls. This match had everything, including a commercial in the middle. Ultimo gets the pin after a reverse flip neck breaker. It was so pretty my wife was impressed.
WINNER: Ultimo Dragon

Up next: Mr. McMahon walks to the ring like he has a potato chip up hiss that he’s trying hard not to break.

Am I the only one who doesn’t care for Metallica’s St. Anger? And don’t get me started on the White Stripes.

After a long Smackdown recap we learn that Mr. McMahon will face Brock Lesnar in a steel cage with Kurt Angle as the special referee on the very same show that features the Velocity remacth between Taker and Cena. That’s this coming Thursday. Please plan accordingly.
MATCH #3: Bashams and Sean O’Haire vs. APA and Funacki
Referee: Yep, right there
Nice line by Josh when Bradshaw holds a Basham for Funaki’s face kick, “The part of Taka Michinoku will be played by Bradshaw.” The kid has potential. Funaki started haed and then the Bashams went to work on Ron Simmons (can we all stop using Farooq and let him be who he always was, please). Funaki back in against O’Haire when bedlam breaks out and Bradshaw clotheslines the Bashams to hell. In the confusion and with an assist from Linda Miles/Shanequa, O’Haire uses the Razor’s Edge on Funaki.
WINNER: The Bashams and the Easter Bunny Killer

Wow. Last time I did this there were five matches and I did play by play for them all. This time there were only three matches and I just covered a few highlights. I’ve gone from overachiever to slacker inspiration. But I still get this sent out before midnight. Butt that’s really because I’m married, have a son and am moving into a house that will leave my family destitute, so we don’t do anything. Okay, except for the aforementioned baseball game, but come on, Class A games are only $9.00 for the best tickets and Parker was free. It was like going to a movie without having to pay a babysitter.

-360 VELOCITY & -720 JAKKED
Last year this week…
1. Hardcore Holly beat Albert with the Alabama Slam
2. Faarooq beat Mike Awesome with a Spinebuster
3. Billy Kidman beat Funaki with the Shooting Star Press
4. Billy & Chuck (w/ Rico) beat Hurricane & Shannon Moore

Two years ago this week…
1. Billy Gunn & Big Show (the Show-Gunns) beat Rhyno & Mike Awesome
2. Justin Credible beat Scotty 2 Hotty
3. Albert beat Hugh Morrus
4. Raven beat Essa Rios (I miss you still, Essa!)

JAKKED JUKEBOX
Last year at this time Pat was listening to:
MAGELLAN Hundred Year Flood
This year it’s:
KISS Alive 4 – KISS Symphony
Enough Z’Nuff Tweaked

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS GOING ON?
Check out the wealth of infotainment that is 411/Wrestling. And while you’re at it, stop the many fine service offerings in the music, movies, comics, games and action figure arenas.

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
Happy Birthday to Patrick “Speed Bump” Boyce. This could be his last as he moves to the Phoenix/Tempe/Scottsdale area where his extremely fair skin will cause him to ignite in the sun. Even if he stays indoors during the day, I’ve learned from Insomniac with Dave Attel that last call out there is 12:45. No girls will be drunk enough to fall for his lines by then. Oh well, it was a nice life.

Next week while Patrick busies himself with Wizard World Chicago, you will be treated to…no, not me again, I’ll be doing laundry. You will have to check back to see.
BUH BYE