411’s WWE Velocity Report 05.24.03

ONE BIG HAPPY or BIG HAPPY ONE
Wow. A full year of a SmackDown only TV show, and it’s still on the air. And I’m still recapping it. Gotta hand it to the WWE for sticking with this brand extension. I’m sure I’ll change my tune after Bad Blood, but that’s a RAW show so it has no place here.

VELOCITY #53
From Michael Cole and Al Snow to Josh Mathews and Ernest “The Cat” Miller in a year. Actually, I enjoy Josh and Ernest as our announcers. That and Marc Loyd no longer has any bearing in my life.

We open with an overview of the WWE Championship Stretcher Match from Judgment Day. For the record, Brock won.

MATCH #1: RIKISHI v. PHIL BROWN
Referee: Mike Chioda
Phil Brown is a 6’ bald, black man wearing trunks like John Cena used to wear.

Collar and elbow tie up. Headlock by Brown. Rikishi sends him to the ropes and hits him with a shoulder block. Brown complains to the fans that Rikishi was in some way cheating but no one buys it. Brown then offers to shake Rikishi’s hand. Rikishi goes for it but Brown tries to punch him instead. Rikishi blocks the punch and hits a DDT. Brown stumbles to a corner so Rikishi backs that ass up. From there comes the stinkface. Savate kick by Rikishi and he drags Brown to the corner. Rump Shaker by Rikishi for the pin. I love recapping squashes.

WINNER: Rikishi (1:29)

After the match the lights go out while Rikishi is still in the ring. After about 20 seconds the lights come back on and Rikishi dances while wearing a hat while sparks shoot out of the ring posts.

In the back, SmackDown’s #1 announcer gets a few words with Kanyon. Funaki asks Kanyon about his Indian Monkey Camp. Kanyon corrects him saying he was in India at an herbal healing camp with a monk. The monk told Kanyon to seek out the one who truly is better than Kanyon, so that’s what he’s doing. Funaki says that it must be Rhyno as Rhyno beat Kanyon a few weeks ago. That’s what I said, too. From the April 19, 2003 Velocity Report: Kanyon on the mic. Fifteen months ago he got hurt. He went to India to an herbal healing camp and found a 104-year-old Tibetan monk. The monk says that there is only one better than Kanyon. So Kanyon is back in the WWE to find that person. I’m guessing it’s Rhyno, right now. Kanyon points out that his foot was under the ropes when Rhyno went for the pinfall, so Rhyno is clearly not better than Kanyon. Funaki says that he knows who’s better than Kanyon… everybody. Kanyon beats the crap out of Funaki and challenges him to a match tonight.

Burn of the Night: Piper pulling off Tenacious Z’s (Zach Gowan’s) leg from SmackDown a week ago. And then Piper ate the leg. What? That’s what Jericho said…

RECAP: No one from 411 did a regular SmackDown report, so I have to crib from Scott Keith here. Stephanie plays interviewer and talks to Zach Gowan. He gives a pretty dull interview about becoming a wrestler and being inspired by Mr. America.

MATCH #2: KANYON v. FUNAKI
Referee: Jimmy Kordaris

This is unfair. Funaki was just beaten up backstage and thus is not 100%. They lock up. Kanyon forces Funaki to the corner. Battering ram by Kanyon. Elbow to the head by Kanyon. Irish whip by Kanyon. Funaki ducks a clothesline and hits a drop kick. Kanyon bails to the outside. Funaki jumps over the ropes, but Kanyon dives back into the ring. Funaki gracefully lands on the apron and hits a shoulder block thru the ropes. Funaki runs Kanyon’s head into the turnbuckle and climbs the ropes. Flying cross body by Funaki for a 2-count. Enziguri by Funaki. 2-count on Kanyon. Irish whip by Funaki. Kanyon comes back with a hair pull takedown. Boot to the gut by Kanyon and he rams Funaki shoulder first into the ring post. Kanyon hooks Funaki in a Boston crab while on the top rope. Josh calls it a “super Boston crab.” Kanyon eventually breaks the hold and drops an elbow on the prone Funaki. 2-count on Funaki. Leg under hook roll up by Kanyon for a 2-count. Head to the turnbuckle by Kanyon. Six punches to the face by Kanyon. Hey there, Mr. Cheater, open that fist! Hanging vertical suplex by Kanyon. Armbar by Kanyon. Funaki punches out. Headlock by Kanyon. Funaki sends Kanyon to the ropes. Kanyon comes back with a neck breaker and a cover. Kanyon grabs the tights but Kordaris sees it and stops the count. Funaki ducks a clothesline and hits a bulldog. Funaki ducks another clothesline and hits two Asian uppercuts. Reversed whip by Kanyon. Kanyon picks Funaki up but Funaki counters into a reverse DDT for a 2-count. Reversed whip to the corner by Kanyon and he charges. Funaki gets his feet up. Funaki hits a tornado DDT from the top rope (well, sitting on the top rope, anyway) and he goes for the cover. Kanyon gets his foot on the ropes to break the count. Funaki climbs to the top rope but Kanyon recovers and knocks him off. Four knee drops in the corner by Kanyon. Kanyon picks Funaki up by his hair and sets up the Flatliner. Funaki elbows out, shoves Kanyon to the corner and rolls him up for the pin, holding the tights.

WINNER: Funaki (5:09)

After the match, Kanyon freaks out in the ring.

MATCH #3: BILL DeMOTT v. BRAD HUNTER
Referee: Mike Sparks
Hunter looks like a cross between RVD and Tommy Dreamer. Hmmm, two RAW guys…
DeMott gets on the mic and says “Who are the three most famous guys ever shot in the back of the head?” Abe Lincoln, JFK and the guy who sat in front of Pee-Wee Herman. As DeMott is laughing about that, Hunter pops him in the face and the match is under way. Oh God, is the return of Hugh Morrus?

Irish whip by Hunter followed by a back elbow. Punches and chops by Hunter in the corner, but DeMott no sells. DeMott reverses their positions and chops Hunter twice. Whip to the corner by DeMott and he charges, connecting with a full body splash. 2-count on Hunter. DeMott scoops Hunter up but Hunter slides behind and hits a jaw breaker. Drop toe on DeMott to the middle rope. Kick by Hunter to the gut and then to the back. DeMott is still hung on the middle rope so Hunter hits a body sweep and goes back to the ropes for momentum. Kick by Hunter. 2-count on DeMott. Kneeling surfboard from Hunter. DeMott powers up to his feet. Whip by Hunter; reversal by DeMott. On-the-back sleeper from Hunter. DeMott escapes by ramming Hunter back first into the corner. DeMott kicks Hunter, pulls him out of the corner and rams him back in. He charges. Hunter gets a foot up. Hunter dives from the second rope, but DeMott swats him out of the air with a stiff clothesline. DeMott picks Hunter up and hits an inverted spinning neckbreaker for the pin. Test used to use that move.

WINNER: Bill DeMott (2:55)

RECAP of the McMahon/Mr. America storyline. Again, here’s Scott Keith: Yup, it’s more Vince, this time in the ring again. He again recaps the thrilling saga that is Mr. America, and apparently Piper is going to pay the price for his failure at the PPV. Piper apologizes, but Vince slaps him anyway. Vince wants to see hatred and bile, you see. A fight threatens to break out, but Sean O’Haire plays the voice of reason and takes the blame for Judgment Day himself. So he wants Mr. America tonight. But Vince adds a stip: If he doesn’t win, Piper is fired. If Sean was a real man he’d pull an Austin and throw the match to get rid of the senile Piper. Vince proposes that if Mr. America loses, he’ll take a lie detector test next week. You’d think that just asking for him to unmask would be more to the point, but that wouldn’t mean another four weeks of Vince McMahon, would it?

WWE Rewind: The return of The Undertaker.

MATCH #4: A-TRAIN v. RHYNO
Referee: Brian Hebner

They circle and lock up. A-Train forces Rhyno to the corner. Rhyno ducks a big swing. They lock up again. Rhyno forces A-Train to the ropes but Hebner breaks it up. A shoves from A-Train knocks Rhyno off balance. A-Train follows it with a big bicycle kick. Cover by A-Train but Rhyno gets his foot to the ropes. Stomps on the knee from A-Train. Head to the turnbuckle by A-Train followed by punches. Hebner pulls A-Train off. A-Train runs Rhyno to the opposite corner. Rhyno throws A-Train to the corner and unloads on him. Hebner pulls Rhyno off, allowing an A-Train cheap shot. Scoop slam near the corner by A-Train. Vader splash by A-Train. A-Train covers but Rhyno gets his foot to the ropes again. Forearm to the face by A-Train. A-Train sends Rhyno to the ropes and goes to work on his back. A-Train grabs Rhyno’s face and yells “How’s it feel?” Ram to the corner by A-Train followed by a bear hug. The bear hug is on for over a minute. Rhyno occasionally clubs A-Train but the hold never breaks. Eventually A-Train wears Rhyno down to his knees so Hebner has to lift his arm for the count. 1. 2. 2 & Ѕ, and Rhyno powers up as the crowd pops. Rhyno makes it to his feet, pounds A-Train and bites his head to break the hold. A flurry of punches by Rhyno and he goes to the ropes. A clothesline staggers A-Train. As does another. A-Train misses his own clothesline and Rhyno hits a third. Back elbow by Rhyno for a 2-count. Irish whip by Rhyno. Kick to the gut by A-Train. Spinebuster by Rhyno for a 2-count. Throat thrust by A-Train. Sidewalk slam by A-Train for a 2-count. A-Train goes for the Deralier but Rhyno hits a few elbows to escape. Back elbow by A-Train. A-Train drags Rhyno to the corner and heads for the ropes. Another Vader splash by A-Train but he misses. A-Train staggers up, right into the path of a Gore! A-Train falls through the ropes and gets counted out.

WINNER: Rhyno (5:53)

Show’s over.

-360 JAKKED is dead. Long live -360 VELOCITY
Last year this week, on the inaugural episode of Velocity…
1. Billy Kidman beat Tajiri in a near-17 minute match
2. Hardcore Holly beat the Big Valbowski with a drop kick
3. Trish retained the Women’s Championship in a bra and panties match against Stacy Keilber
Also, Kurt Angle had his head shaved and Hulk Hogan retired. One full year later, Kurt is still bald and Hulk isn’t wrestling anymore…

THEY’VE COME FOR US ALL
ANTHRAX (62 minutes)
House Of Blues, Chicago IL, May 16, 2003

What Doesn’t Die / Black Dahlia / Got The Time / A.I.R. / Safe Home / Inside Out / Anti-Social / 1,000 Points Of Hate / Nobody Knows Anything / N.F.L. / Only // Bring The Noise

The stage is dark. “Contact” plays from a tape, heralding the start of the heaviest hour I’ll spend all week. As with the CD WE’VE COME FOR YOU ALL, the next song to be heard is “What Doesn’t Die” only it’s not a tape, it’s live and Anthrax is here. Flashing lights, thunder and fury proclaim this the time of the white noise. Scott, Charlie, Frank, John & Rob all wear matching inverted star “A” logo shirts, with their names and numbers on the back. Scott is #22. Frank is #19. Charlie is #20. John Bush is #11 and Rob Caggiano is #7. I’ve always thought it cool that they dress similar on stage, be it orange jump suits or whatever. Sure there are minor differences, short sleeves, long sleeves, etc. but the theme is the same. Next up is another new song, “Black Dahlia.” That’s a plant, by the way, from the genus Dahlia, with tuberous roots and variously colored flowers, although I guess they’d be black in this case. Or does it refer to the horrific 1947 murder of Elizabeth Short, also known as the Black Dahlia? Beats me. Damn I love the new disc. It’d be fine by me if every song tonight was from it. Not to be the case as song #3 is the Joe Jackson cover “Got The Time.” Ironically, the last live show I went to also featured this song in the set. $10 says I’m the only person that went to both Anthrax now and Joe Jackson at the Vic last month. Behind the boys hangs the Alex Ross painting from the cover of W. C. F. Y. A., the outstretched hands seeking salvation at the hands of the band. Keeping the theme of the old brings them to “A. I. R.” Joey Bella-who? Wasn’t John Bush always the lead singer of this band? As far as I’m concerned he was. John Bush apologizes for the 5-year gap between VOLUME 8 and W. C. F. Y. A., but calls the new disc a “heavy metal lover’s delight.” Isn’t that a new pizza from Pizza Hut? I digress. Nonetheless, Anthrax loves Chicago, “Every time we play here it’s a magical feeling.” Also, they’re filming a video (I think they meant DVD) at both Chicago shows and the in-store at Rolling Stone records, most likely to make up for the aborted live CD that was to be recorded here back in 2001. So much in love with our city, they dedicate the next song to us, “Inside Out.” “God-damned nowhere place to be/ Dying deep inside of me/ Always standing on the inside looking out.” Uh, thanks? Next is another nod to the old school (Look, a blatant Armored Saint reference! Try to keep up, will ya?) with an Anthrax history lesson, also being the fist Anthrax song George ever heard, “Anti-Social.” After that came the song that is coincidentally the theme to my life, “1,000 Points Of Hate.” Even though Anthrax will always consider themselves a New York based band, Charlie is moving right here to Chicago. Considering that announcement was the lead in to “Nobody Knows Anything,” I have to wonder if it was intentional… Hey, at least it wasn’t the lead in to “N. F. L.” which came next. During “Nobody Knows Anything,” Charlie was like a man possessed. He was on fire and it was up to everyone else to keep up. George says Charlie has The Undertaker’s hairstyle. Song number eleven is the song that got me into Anthrax, “Only.” Thank you Jim Thompson for that copy of THE SOUND OF WHITE NOISE lo those many years ago. This is now the point in the show where the band would run off-stage and we’d hold up lighters while screaming their name, begging for more. Uh-uh, not here. Scott Ian says that’s for lesser bands. A long time ago, Anthrax did a song that got a lot of attention, but not necessarily for all the right reasons. All Scott knows is that, “When we did it, we didn’t suck.” Any guesses? It’s what they’ve been doing all night… “Bring The Noise.” During that, the last song, Charlie’s kid played along on drums. Pretty damn cool. For only an hour long, this show rocked. High energy all night. New guitarist Rob Caggiano adds a cohesiveness to the band that was missing for the past few years, even if he did steal Joey Vera’s hair. The sound was great and the crowd was hot, but hey, how could we not be? This is Anthrax and they’ve come for us all.

OUT
They’ve come for us all. I’m leaving you all, until next week.