411’s WWE Velocity Report 03.29.03

TEN MARKS THE SPOT
This weekend is something of a wrestling milestone for me. WrestleMania XIX marks my 10th WrestleMania. Sure I’ve watched them all after the fact on tape, but WMX is the one that got me hooked on this whole wrestling game. So good of an event was it that my brother George ordered it twice, just to make sure I’d see it. Now nine years later I have to wonder if I should thank him for that or be angry at all the wasted time…

That being said, I have no plans to watch this year’s event. That’s right, I am not watching it. Sure the usual group of people are coming over to my place to see it, I just won’t be joining them. The Joe Jackson Band is back and touring after not playing together since 1980. They’re at the Vic Theater in Chicago tomorrow and that’s where I’ll be. So you have your good time and I’ll have mine.

VELOCITY #45
What is neither of our good times is this week’s Velocity. Any original matches tonight are way overshadowed by promos for tomorrow’s big show (no, not Paul Wight). Got an hour to waste? Let’s jump right into a show that no one cares about, especially when greater events loom on the immediate horizon (like that Joe Jackson concert I mentioned). There are, however, no greater events in store for either Josh Mathews or Ernest “The Cat” Miller, so they get stuck hosting this show.

MATCH #1: JAMIE NOBLE (w/ NIDIA) v. FUNAKI
Referee: Jimmy Kordaris
Prediction: Funaki. Always and forever.
Hah! Josh actually called him Jamie By Gawd” Noble. Haven’t heard that one in a while.

They circle each other. Collar and elbow tie-up. Noble grabs a headlock. Funaki manages to break the hold but Noble turns it into a behind the back armbar. Funaki reverses. Hip toss by Noble. Head scissors by Funaki. Kip out by Noble. They face each other. Another collar and elbow. Noble grabs a waist lock. Funaki reverses. Noble elbows out and hits another elbow to the head. Reversed Irish whip by Funaki into a hip toss. Drop toe hold by Funaki. Sit out drop kick by Funaki. 2-count on Noble. Head to the turnbuckle by Funaki. Whip attempt by Funaki. Noble holds on and ducks under it and then hits a neckbreaker. Stomps by Noble. Head to the turnbuckle by Noble. Battering rams in the corner by Noble. Short arm clothesline by Noble. 2-count on Funaki. Noble goes for a back suplex but Funaki hooks the head and the leg to counter. Noble pounds on his back and then hits the back suplex. 2-count on Funaki. Side headlock by Noble but Funaki doesn’t submit. Funaki woks up to his feet and hits a few elbows but Noble slams him down. Single leg Boston crab by Noble and he digs his foot into the back of Funaki’s head. Funaki is able to roll thru and push Noble off. Noble goes for the half-crab again but Funaki grabs a back slide for a 2-count. Knee to the gut by Noble. Noble tries a whip but Funaki ducks under and hits an enziguri. Punches and chops by Funaki. Whip to the corner by Funaki and he charges. Running clothesline in the corner by Funaki. Funaki then hits the ropes for a bulldog but Noble grabs him for a power slam. 2-count on Funaki. Slingshot to the ringpost by Funaki. Bulldog by Funaki. 2-count on Noble. Vertical suplex by Funaki by Noble rolls thru it bridges into a cover. Nidia grabs Noble’s arms for leverage but Kordaris see it and breaks the cover. Roll-up by Funaki for a 2-count. Side kick by Funaki. Reversed whip to the corner by Noble. Noble charges. Back elbow by Funaki. Funaki sits on the top rope setting up his Rising Sun DDT but Noble counters with chops. Funaki lands a punch that staggers Noble. Funaki leaps into a spinning DDT for the pin. (4:54)

WINNER: Funaki! Yes! (Patrick 1-0)

Commercials featuring one about WMXIX. Such a surprise.

The Boot of the Week is Kurt attaching Brock with a chair after Brock went after Eric Angle.

Recap of Brock winning the Royal Rumble and the build up of his feud with Kurt Angle. I’m sure you’ll all be seeing this exact same footage tomorrow night during the big event.

Roddy Piper says after WMXIX there will be either a McMahon or a McNothing.

Commercials. Stacy Keibler is hosting TNN’s “Slammin’ Saturday Night.” Whatever that is.

Gene Okerlund says all the same stuff you saw him say on RAW and read him say in last week’s Confidential Report. You know you didn’t actually watch Confidential!

Recap of Torrie Wilson’s Playboy press conference. Big thanks to Jimmy P. S. Hayes for the advance look at her photos. Why does Torrie say, “This is me in the RAW?” Shouldn’t she say, “This is me in the SmackDown?” Doesn’t she know what brand she works for?

MATCH #2: BILL DeMOTT v. APOLLO KAHN
Referee: Mike Sparks
Prediction: DeMott. Josh says the over/under for this match is less than three minutes.

They pace. Lock up. Back trip by DeMott. DeMott grinds his elbow into Kahn’s face and growls at him. There’s a bunch of that nonsensical “Tell them who I am” yelling by DeMott during this match. DeMott hyper-extends Kahn’s arm around the second rope. Sparks breaks the hold. DeMott pummels Kahn with blows to the head, again in the ropes. Stomp by DeMott. Chops in the corner by DeMott. Whip to the corner by DeMott and he charges. Kahn gets a boot up. Forearms to the head by Kahn. Reversed whip to the corner by DeMott. Kahn stops short, hops to the second rope a jumps at DeMott. DeMott hits a mid-air clothesline. DeMott doesn’t cover, rather he just stands menacingly over Kahn’s limp form. DeMott picks Kahn up and whips him into the ropes. Kahn comes back with a kick and goes right back to the ropes. DeMott hits another clothesline and Kahn is out cold. Sparks calls for the bell. (1:52)

WINNER: DeMott (Patrick 2-0)

After the “match,” DeMott drops his straps and gives Kahn a power bomb, glaring manically.

Recap of Vince training for his big match. No big crowd pop for Shane O’Mac? Ha sit been that long that everyone’s forgotten him? His glass panel bump is still in the opening montage for SmackDown.

Commercials.

The Slam of the Week is McMahon “signing” his contract to face Hogan in their street fight.

Recap of yet more of the Hogan/McMahon build up. You know, the stuff we were just watching before the commercial. Oh great, Hogan promises more blading tomorrow.

Recap of Vince training for his big match. Again.

Commercials. Jimmy Hart is on Confidential! Hah! Sorry, Dal!

Fred Durst says that Limp Biscuit performing at WMXIX is something special. I say I don’t give a $#@& what Fred Durst says.

RVD, the ultimate WWE curtain jerker, is wrestling for the tag belts… on Heat! Sorry, pal! John Cena is also on Heat and Josh and Cat run down the whole WMXIX card. Yeah, RVD, Kane, Tag Champs Chief Morley and Lance Storm, and John Cena are on Heat but Ashanti, Limp Biscuit and the Miller Light cat Fight Girls are on the actual WMXIX PPV. Great.

Good God, more recapping of the relationship between Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon. Seriously what’s the deal with shoving this thing down our throats? Are there no more SmackDown matches at WM? What about the Tag Team Triple Threat? God this show sucks.

Jesse Ventura says there has never been a bad WrestleMania. Let’s ask him the same question after tomorrow night.

Commercial break. Those pesky Cat Fight girls fight over Stone Cold and the Rock and Stacy Keibler likes it fast, loud and hard-hitting. At least that’s what she says!

WrestleMania Moment: WMXI from 1995. Lawrence Taylor beats Bam Bam Bigelo.

MATCH #3: JOHNNY STAMBOLI (w/ NUNZIO) v. TAJIRI
Referee: Mike Chioda
Prediction: Tajiri
From Josh: Italians don’t like Jehovah’s witnesses… because they don’t like ANY witnesses!

They circle. Tajiri crouches. Lock up. Stamboli shoves Tajiri down. Tajiri rolls out of the ring. Nunzio creeps up but Tajiri throws a kick at him. Tajiri misses but Nunzio backs away. Stamboli rolls out after Tajiri but Tajiri rolls back in. Stamboli tries to roll in but Tajiri slaps him. Taunting by Tajiri. Stamboli climbs up onto the apron but Tajiri hits a springboard handstand kicking him off the apron and onto Nunzio. Tajiri dives over the top rope onto both men. Tajiri rolls him back in. Elbow to the head by Tajiri. Kick to the gut by Tajiri. Kicks in the corner by Tajiri. Reversed whip by Stamboli. Stamboli charges but Tajiri leaps over him. Stamboli catches Tajiri over his shoulders but Tajiri escapes down his back. Stamboli charges at Tajiri in the corner. Tarantula! Nunzio breaks it up. Stomps in the corner by Stamboli. Stamboli pulls Tajiri out of the corner by his feet. 2-count on Tajiri. Choke by Stamboli. Chioda breaks it up, allowing Nunzio to choke Tajiri on the bottom rope. Poor Tajiri, odds stacked against him. Elbows to the gut by Tajiri. Overhead belly-to-belly suplex by Stamboli. 2-count on Tajiri. Snap mare by Stamboli into a head-twist chin-lock. Josh calls it a side headlock. I don’t. Tajiri kicks out and hits an enziguri. Tajiri and Funaki should really team more. Tajiri ducks a clothesline and hits a few side kicks. Reversed Irish whip by Stamboli into a tilt-a-whirl slam. Stamboli hops to the top rope for a leg drop but Tajiri rolls out of the way. Sit out drop kick by Tajiri for a 2-count. Chops by Tajiri. Tajiri ducks a clothesline and comes off the ropes with a spinning heel kick. Sunset flip by Tajiri. Stamboli tires to punch out of it but Tajiri bridges out and escapes. Back kick to the head by Tajiri. 2-count on Stamboli. Reversed whip by Stamboli. Handspring back elbow by Tajiri. Kick to the midsection by Tajiri. Tajiri hits the Buzzsaw kick to Nunzio on the apron. That allows Stamboli to pick up Tajiri and hit the Fugedaboudit (Forget About It) for the pin.

WINNER: Stamboli (Patrick 2-1)

Sweet sister mercy, the show is mercifully over.

IN THE RAW
Welcome to the final edition of In The RAW. George Brower IV & Vince Merlo have done a great job in dissecting Monday night’s once-proud wrestling show for us here on a weekly basis. Weep not for them, as they have real lives and grown-up responsibilities. So what’s my excuse? Never mind that, here’s In The RAW.

VINCE
How AWESOME are Jericho’s promos? They’re positively Foley-esque. I’ve been digging this angle with Shawn for some time now, and for me, last nights promo put it over the top.
Is JPL reading our emails? While it wasn’t reminding anybody of the RNR Xpress or Midnights (or Moondogs, for that matter), last night’s tag match had everything I could ask for out of everybody. They told a great story, JPL did a fantastic job selling, allowing both Book and Dustin to get over a bit, and even BLADED . . . on a non-PPV, no less. Plus, the post match segment with Flair backstage was great. It added another dimension to JPL’s persona for the title match. Good job all around.
Plus, speaking of 49-time world champion Ric Flair, how awesome is he? GOD, I miss seeing him in the ring . . . he is the quintisential heel. How many eye gouges did he dole out last night? Holding back your opponent and keeping him from the tag and/or cutting off the ring is a lost art. I love just seeing the enthusiasm and, for lack of a better word, FLAIR with which he does everything. All of WWE’s heels should be forced to sit and watch last nights match, and then have to answer a 10 question quiz afterward. Just seeing him strut to the ring in is robe, you could TELL he was a different man, much different than the one we’ve been seeing in his JJ
Dillion role. The old Naitch was BACK, if only for one night. WHOOOO!
Finally, something vaguely interesting for RVD & Kane to do.
I like what they’ve been doing with Steiner the last two weeks. It just seems a little out of order. I mean, they needed to have these matches, and mini-feuds/angles to build up his character before JPL assassinated it in a title match on PPV. Giving him little things to do each week, instead of ramming him down our throats as the ultimate bad ass is allowing him to get over more and more.
Poor Test. I feel bad for the guy. He has a good look, and he’s better than decent in the ring. His lack of charisma is holding him back, and forcing him to be cannon fodder. At least Storm has a tag strap.

GEORGE
Watching the HHH & Flair/Booker & Goldust tag match last night, I felt I was going to have to take back everything I’ve said over the past several weeks. I was thrilled with how it all played out. The only cause I have for concern is with regard to a pre-PPV statistic that Patrick and I, and
I’m sure many others, have taken notice of over the past few years. While it doesn’t happen with absolute certainty anymore, it’s still around 89% true. If you job on TV prior to a PPV, you get the win at the PPV event. This would mean that JPL has decided to play the angle right, just in time
to keep his belt. I wonder what the plans are for Booker T after the PPV loss?
I’ve been saying for months that Y2J is the future. I can only hope that he gets a boost by pinning HBK. Hasn’t Shawn won every PPV match he’s been in since his return? Jericho could use another main event run to help freshen things up a bit. Sunday night will show if Michael’s is passing the torch or if HHH learned how to hold people down from watching Shawn. Back in the mid 90’s the Cliq was stellar at keeping there piece of the business intact, and HBK was the leader of that faction.
The tag title picture could have gone either way. If the Dudley’s won, we could have seen some infighting in the Bischoff team. At least we get a match to crown the new tag champs – I am going out on a limb and saying that Kane/RVD will get the belts.
The Rock/Austin stuff was just like the old Corporation days, with Austin looking a tad wiser than in the past. Yeah we’ve seen this before, but the mostly passive stance by Austin allowed for a better ending and a more satisfying twist on the “Austin is arrested” story line. Plus, the Hurricane is still getting play off of this. I like it.

VINCE
How about the exchange between JR and Lawler about JPL during the match? (Obviously, NOT verbatim) JR: “This is a guy who had the belt HANDED to him by Bischoff!” Lawler: “All you do is say how he doesn’t deserve to be champion; well, then, why is he STILL the champion?” Vince: “Cuz he knocked up the boss’s daughter!”
I absolutely LOVE the fact that it played out that Austin has Shane Helms cell number saved on his own cell phone. Now THAT’S a “rub.”
I’m kinda hoping that Austin smashing Rocky’s fiddle is the end of Rocky’s singing days. I kinda got the feeling that Rock rambling songs were more ad lib to kill time cuz something else wasn’t panning out properly. Either way, I think that it’s been enough of a good thing and it’s time to move on.
Based SOLELY on last night’s show, you know what match I’d LOVE to see at the May PPV? HBK v. Flair. Now, I say May, cuz I’d like to see a good angle developed properly between these two, and I think they could pull it off splendidly–some kinda Clash Of The Icons type thing, or something. Plus, what a way to beef up the mid card, especially if/when Jericho goes
over Michaels at WM.

GEORGE
But was does an HBK v. Flair match accomplish? Neither one is a solid worker anymore, and both are past their final push. I think. Who knows, maybe there is one more World Championship run left with Flair’s name on it. I know that Hogan has signed another one year contract (that reportedly has Jimmy Hart coming in). How many more turns do these guys
have left? And who gets to send them on their way?
Yes, I too thought the Rock was rambling, but it looked like some of that was written down. That’s just sad. You and I could have had better lyrics with no notice. Was it me or weren’t all the lyrics the same, just set to different melodies? That makes having them written down even sadder still.
I love the rub that Helms is getting, but he still appears to have the physique of a 14 year old computer science wiz. He needs to hit the weights. And while I’m on the subject of physiques, doesn’t HBK look more and more like a cruiserweight?

VINCE
I’d just be interested strictly from a historical standpoint. The flagship of WCW vs. the champion at the start of the WWF Attitude era. I love watching Flair work heel . . . even if he IS 134 years old, he’s STILL better in the ring than all the heels on RAW. The eye poke . . . the leg cip . . . the shaking of his blonde head every time he efforted to accomplish something . . . I’d love to see him kick Shawn’s ass.
Even though the Invasion was botched, and the jury’s still out on the brand-extension, there’s still a place in my heart for any of these matches that can be perceived as WCW/NWA vs WWF/E. It goes back to my days as a 13 year old, reading Bill Apter’s columns in Pro Wrestling Illustrated
theorizing who would win interpromotional dream matches . . . Flair v Hogan . . . Sting v Warrior . . . Luger v Savage . . . back when these guys were in their PRIME. Granted, I know most of these matches have already played out, and sadly I might add, but I love a match with legit historical implications, and I love it even more when that angle is highlighted (e.g. Booker referred to as the 5 time WCW champion). Shawn/Flair is one of the last matches that can be done of that kind.

GEORGE
I cannot recall a Flair/HBK matchup from Flair’s first WWE run. That was around the time of Shawn’s first IC run. With so many major players jumping back and forth, there aren’t any real clear WCW/WWF matches around. Actually HHH/Booker T comes to mind, but does anyone remember Terra Rizin from WCW, who later wrestled as Jean-Paul Levesque? Personally I’d like
top see Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake vs. Zodiac. Or what about Alex Wright vs. Tajiri? Or Kevin Sullivan vs. well…I take that back. I have no desire to see Kevin Sullivan. I’d rather see a debate between Randy Savage and the Ultimate Warrior.

VINCE
Hey, back off! I’m naming my first born child Terra Ryzin . . . whether it’s male OR female.

You know what? I just had a TERRIBLE thought, and I hope I’m wrong: if WWE’s holding off on debuting Golberg until after WM, and they’re putting him on RAW, it seems to me that WWE will have Terra go over Book; since they have not learned their lesson from Steiner, they will do the exact same thing with Goldberg. Somehow, Terra will have convinced the bookers that Ryzin/Berg is only a money TITLE match. Personally, I could care less if Berg is fed to Terra, but not at the expense of Booker’s well-deserved SIX MONTH title run.

GEORGE
But isn’t the bigger money match Austin vs. Goldberg? Sure there may be some legit heat between Terra/JPL/HHH and the Stone Clone, but I think an Austin Goldberg match is ready made just on appearance. I do not doubt that LeVesque will argue for his end and I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted a Goldberg run-in at WM that HHH overcomes and sets the stage for
his feud with Goldberg, but has already diminished the story line since the run-in couldn’t stop the awesome juggernaut that is The Game. I prefer to remain optimistic and believe that WM will play out in such a way that old feuds will end, new ones will be set up and all will work out for the
benefit of the company as well as the industry as a whole. And also that the reason we invaded Iraq has nothing to do with selfish self interests involving oil and a show of force against an opponent we could beat (How’s that hunt for bin Laden coming along?), while we ignore a whack job in North Korea who’s sitting on nuclear weapons, which I think are capable of mass destruction, but I digress. On to WM XIX! (It’s important that I maintain a proper focus about what’s important – 1. WM XIX, 2. Taking Parker to Hooter’s tonight for some buffalo shrimp [w/Santucci], 3. Discussing WWE business with you [and Patrick] 4. …what’s my day job again?

VELOCIMAIL
All Shannon Moore, all the time.

ADRIAN LOKO MOON
Just a little note. Shannon’s “Mooregasm” move is that spinning neckbreaker thing he does, only done off the second or third rope. I wasn’t paying full attention at the time, so I’m not sure which one exactly.

MATT THE MOOGLE
Hello. I would just like to tell you that the Moorgasm is what Shannon Moore calls his finisher. And it is kinda like an inverted Blockbuster. Moore kicks them in the ribs( them looking like they are about to tkae a stunner) then goes up top, does a front flip while catching them with a neckbreaker. Hope this helps with something.

Thanks to you both. Now just what is the “Shanjaculation?”

TOP THREE
This week’s Top Three “Superstar” is (Prince) Albert/A-Train. What are the three things you remember most, specifically, not “he’s got a hairy back,” about this big goon? My answers, and yours (if there actually are any) next week.

RATINGS WAR
-WWE Velocity scored a 0.7 rating with a 1.2 share.
-WWE Confidential scored a 0.7 rating with a 1.3 share.
It seems that the exact same percentage of people care every week. No less, no more. Although I think I could care less…

-360 JAKKED
Last year this week…
1. Tajiri & Funaki beat Kidman & The Hurricane
2. Test beat Spike Dudley
3. Lance Storm beat the Big Valbowski
4. Tommy Dreamer beat Raven

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
Happy 9th Anniversary to Susan & Jack Randich. Nine years, huh? I lost that bet.

JUKEBOX
Last year at this time I wasn’t listening to anything because I was sick.
This year it’s:
KAMELOT Epica
and of course JOE JACKSON BAND Volume 4

BRIDGE OUT
The Road to WrestleMania is at an end. The Road to Next Year’s WrestleMania starts Monday!