Movies & TV / Columns
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: The Six Million Dollar Man: Wine, Women, and War
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #476: The Six Million Dollar Man: Wine, Women, and War
Cyborg September: Week 2
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that often wonders why it doesn’t have a theme song, then remembers that it isn’t a musician and doesn’t have the kind of money you need to hire a proper musician to come up with one (and what the hell would the theme even be? Would it be awesome? Would it be funny? Would it be both of those things and more? Way too many decisions to make there), The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number four hundred and seventy-six, Cyborg September continues with the second The Six Million Dollar Man TV pilot movie, The Six Million Dollar Man: Wine, Women, and War, which first aired on ABC in October of 1973.
The Six Million Dollar Man: Wine, Women, and War
Wine, Women, and War, directed by Russ Mayberry, is a very different movie as compared to the first The Six Million Dollar Man. That movie featured a humble hero trying to deal with the fact that he was now part machine. Wine Women, and War takes the same character, Steve Austin (once again played by Lee Majors), and essentially makes him a James Bond type character. Granted, Austin is a cybernetically enhanced James Bond (his gadgets are inside his body), but if you didn’t know that Wine, Women, and War is a sequel, you’d think that ABC was trying to make its own spy centric TV show. I mean, the opening theme sounds like a James Bond theme, and the first time we see Austin he’s in some far off, international setting and wearing a tuxedo. The only thing he doesn’t do is order a goddamn martini shaken, not stirred. Some of the details of the Austin character have changed, too. Austin is now a former Air Force Colonel and he works for the OSI (Office of Scientific Intelligence), which is led by Oscar Goldman (Richard Anderson, replacing Darren McGavin’s Oliver Spencer). No explanation is given for the change in military rank or organization name. The movie just jumps into its story with its new details and expects you to follow along.
So what the heck is Wine, Women, and War about? The movie starts with Austin, decked out in his tuxedo, hot on the trail of international arms dealer Arlen Findletter (Eric Braeden) somewhere in the Middle East. Austin’s boss Goldman needs him to find a safe belonging to Findletter that allegedly has super important information inside it. Austin isn’t told what, exactly is supposed to be in the safe, all he’s told is that it’s important. So Austin goes looking for the safe inside a boat that Findletter is on. After sneaking by multiple armed guards, Austin finds the safe and discovers that nothing is inside it. Nothing. Pissed off that the mission was ultimately a complete waste of time, Austin leaves the boat, finally encountering some resistance, which he dispatches quickly and efficiently (well, for the most part). While swimming to his submarine pick up in the middle of the ocean, Austin is attacked with depth charges by the local military that just so happens to be in Findletter’s pocket. Austin eventually escapes the depth charge attack with minimal damage, but he’s goddamn pissed. The safe was empty, and a hot babe that he’s sweet on (Tamara, as played by Catherine Ferrar) is dead because he couldn’t rescue her and bring her to America (the safe mission came first).
So Austin hates the OSI and Oscar Goldman. After undergoing repairs back at the lab spearheaded by Dr. Rudy Wells (played this time by Alan Oppenheimer), he decides that he needs to take some sort of vacation, just to get away. Goldman and the OSI aren’t going to officially allow that, so Austin knows that he’s going to have to sneak out at some point. While figuring out what, exactly, he wants to do, Austin’s old pal Harry Donner (Earl Hollman) shows up and tells him all about the Bahamas and how wonderful it is there (Harry has a place in the Bahamas that Austin can use if he wants to go there). Austin likes what he hears and escapes OSI captivity and heads for the airport with Harry’s help. Unbeknownst to Austin, Harry’s “Go to the Bahamas” message wasn’t exactly a friend telling a friend something cool. There are other motives afoot.
So Austin flies to the Bahamas, meets another hot babe on the flight (Katrina Volana, as played by future Bond girl Britt Ekland), and tries to relax when he arrives. He jogs on the beach, he goes swimming, he does all of the usual stuff people do when they go on vacation in the Bahamas. Austin does “call home” to Rudy at one point to ask about his bionic hand (Austin is having issues with it), but that’s about as much OSI as he wants on this trip.
Suddenly, there’s a woman in Harry’s house (Cynthia Holland, as played by Michele Carey), and Austin finds out that his neighbors are Russians. In fact, the one Russian is someone he knows intimately, Alexi Kaslov (David McCallum). And Kaslov’s woman is Katrina, the hot chick from the flight down. What the hell is going on here? And why the fuck is Findletter here?
So then some stuff happens, Austin goes to a casino to gamble, Kaslov shows up, and we all find out what the heck is really going on.
Findletter is in the Bahamas because that’s where his main base of operations is. Findletter has both American and Soviet missiles in that base that he intends to sell. And Findletter has a “catalogue” of everything that he has in his possession, a catalogue that everyone in the world wants to get their hands on. Kazlov and Katrina are in town to get that catalogue and prevent Findletter from selling any of the missiles. As for Austin, Harry’s “Bahamas suggestion” was a ruse created by Goldman to get Austin into the area. Goldman knew that once Austin was aware of what the hell was going on, he would “complete the mission,” even if he didn’t necessarily want to. Findletter needs to be stopped.
The rest of the movie is essentially Austin and Kazlov teaming up to stop Findletter, and then just Austin trying to stop Findletter (Kazlov gets killed). It’s not much of a spoiler to say that Steve Austin stops Findletter and saves the fucking day. I mean, if he didn’t there wouldn’t have been a third The Six Million Dollar Man movie or a TV series. The whole thing would have ended with Wine, Women, and War.
I have to say that the switch in tone, from humble man coming to terms with his new abilities to a badass superspy, is quite jarring. Lee Majors may be playing the same character but Steve Austin is slightly different here and it’s not cool. This isn’t the hero we liked in the first movie. That isn’t to say that this particular Steve Austin isn’t interesting or entertaining. He is both. But I wanted to see the guy from the first movie again, still struggling with his new abilities, not necessarily a guy who is in full control of himself and is pissed off all of the time. I can see that in plenty of other movies.
The scope of Wine, Women, and War is quite impressive. Findletter’s lair looks like an evil arms dealer’s lair, and the “Bahamas” look appropriately tropical. There’s a little more action in this one, most of which works. The ending is a bit of a letdown, but the build to it is well done and fairly exciting. The opening action sequence, where Austin fights off the depth charges is probably the best thing in the movie. The stock footage of the submarine that Austin “works with” actually blends in with the “crew on the surface” sequences. Doing that kind of thing in a “night” setting helps.
Austin’s bionic/cybernetic abilities are basically the same as in the in the first movie. He can run fast, his right arm is super strong, and this time he actually uses his bionic eye. The bits where Austin smashes through walls and whatnot are much better looking this time around. It’s a shame that we don’t see Austin using his bionic abilities one-on-one against Findletter. That arms dealing bastard needed a beating.
Majors, once again, does a fine job as Steve Austin. Because his character is now a super spy Majors makes Austin a smoother presence, which works through sheer force of Majors’ abundant charisma. Majors handles the action bits he’s asked to do with easy skill, and while he isn’t meant to be a humble, regular guy, Majors still tries to express some of that every now and then (you’ll know what I’m talking about when you watch the movie). The whole “Austin running around shirtless” thing is kind of annoying, mostly because it seems like something the network wanted the producers to do to attract a larger female audience (again, this is something you will notice when you watch the movie. It’s obvious that that’s what’s going on). It isn’t something that’s necessarily needed for the plot. Am I wrong about this? Was running around shirtless something Lee Majors enjoyed doing in the 1970’s and I’m just unaware of it?
Richard Anderson does a good job as Oscar Goldman. He only has a few scenes, but Anderson makes sure that he amps up Goldman’s asshole quotient with each scene that he’s in. He isn’t as dark and mysterious as Darren McGavin’s Spencer character, but Goldman is clearly a guy you shouldn’t trust. Even if he is a patriot and fighting for his country and all that, he’s still a sneaky bastard. That’s not cool, man.
Eric Braeden does his usual fine job as arms dealer Arlen Findletter. He’s a smooth and suave scumbag that you both despise and watch intently because he’s so damn good at being a scumbag. Earl Hollman’s Harry Donner character is a different kind of scumbag. Harry may be a good guy and Austin’s friend, but you never quite like him and you suspect he’s up to something even before you find out what he’s really up to. I’m actually surprised that Harry didn’t end up a turncoat at the end of the movie. Perhaps if the movie was a little longer, maybe if it had ten more minutes, director Mayberry would have done that.
Alan Oppenheimer does an okay job as Dr. Rudy Wells. You believe he’s a doctor and that he cares deeply for Austin, but Oppenheimer just doesn’t have the same screen presence as Martin Balsam, who played the character in the first movie. Why the hell couldn’t the producers get Balsam back? Anyone out there know?
David McCallum should have had a bigger presence as Alexi Kaslov. He’s awesome in every scene he’s in, and it’s amazing to me that he wasn’t used more. Britt Ekland is nice to look at as Katrina, but that gets old quickly and she isn’t half as interesting as the movie would have us believe. Michele Carey’s Cynthia is far more interesting and probably should have been the only woman in the movie. Cynthia has personality, dammit. Personality should matter in these kinds of movies.
Wine, Women, and War is a weird diversion from the first movie in terms of overall tone. It’s still very watchable and entertaining, but that switch in tone is, again, jarring and not what I was expecting. I imagine that had ABC not wanted a weekly series and continued making “movies of the week” featuring Majors as Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man would have continued to be a James Bond type spy right up until the movie series ended. The James Bond type character wouldn’t have worked as a weekly TV character. You just can’t keep up that pace or scope.
Still, while it’s lacking the humanity and integrity of the first The Six Million Dollar Man, Wine, Women, and War is an enjoyable seventy-three minute diversion. It’s fun, and sometimes that’s all you really need.
See The Six Million Dollar Man: Wine, Women, and War. See it, see it, see it.
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: Several.
Explosions: We have big, bigger, and freaking huge explosions in this movie. There’s a goddamn mushroom cloud in it. It’s stock footage, sure, but it’s still a mushroom cloud.
Nudity?: None, unless you want to count Lee Majors running around shirtless. I’m not going to, so I’ll just say none.
Doobage: A rehash of Steve Austin’s accident, a goddamn James Bond type theme, a swanky place, a submarine, multiple instances of flashlight messages, diving, swimming, boat infiltration, bionic eye hooey, total door destruction, Uzi hooey, firehose hooey, exploding boat, more swimming, depth charge attack, suspected shark hooey, exposed bionics, treadmill exercise hooey, stone wall punching, iron bar breaking, champagne, face slapping, glass breaking, an old woody taxi, serious hand issues, golf ball hooey, some serious classy gambling, more glass breaking, blaming the Russians, tranq gun hooey, major chair bondage, wall hole ripping, serious phone smashing, a coffin warehouse, serious double ear breaking, plane flying, parachute hooey, gun nozzle squeezing, exploding M-16, even more glass breaking, rat killing, double punch to the back, more wall smashing, more submarine hooey, chain bondage, gut punching, exploding computer mainframe thing, some serious wire hooey, exploding door, running, and a goddamn mushroom cloud.
Kim Richards?: None.
Gratuitous: Lee Majors, a goddamn James Bond type theme, flashlight messaging, electronic binoculars, a reversible suit, Eric Braeden, the National Medical Center, Lee Majors running on a treadmill, Lee Majors running around shirtless for absolutely no reason, a rotary car phone, Soviets, Lee Majors jogging on the beach, golf, David McCallum, moon shots, blaming the Russians, Lee Majors rocking a striped suit that’s probably back in style now, G-14 nerve gas, a wicked sweet evil lair, missiles, and a goddamn mushroom cloud.
Best lines: “I sent no wire!,” “Sorry, pal,” “Well, if you didn’t require this dinner then who did?,” “I don’t see how any man can swim through that,” “We’ve got some talking to do,” “Steve, you’re special, but you’re not that special,” “Steve, you’re just going to have to realize these things happen,” “Nuclear black market?,” “We’re going to need Steve Austin on this mission, with or without his cooperation,” “Harry, I think we can do some business,” “Steve Austin is on his way,” “You can’t win’em all, hey, Colonel?,” “That’s a sort of left handed invitation,” “I didn’t realize they paid you Russians enough for this kind of thing,” “What a remarkable coincidence,” “Well, how did you do that? It’s all in the wrist,” “May I ask you a personal question? Do you like girls?,” “I suppose he’s here to protect me from flying fish,” “Well, so much for the honor system,” “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be sports fishing?,” “Sorry, I had to annihilate your port hole,” “I came to see missiles, not palm trees,” “I don’t think you’re interested in the caskets,” “Who is this Donner? Some kind of intelligence officer?,” “In Russia we say all American men are soft. Well, we rise to the occasion,” “This is frightening,” “I smell salt air, love. Move it!,” and “That’s for a princess named Tamara, and a friend named Alexi.”
Rating: 7.0/10.0
**
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: The Facebook Page!
Please check out and “like” The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page, which is here. There’s stuff there now! Midnight trailers! 3 AM Joe Bob! And more!
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page! Yeah!
**
Things to Watch Out For This Week
–Predator World: You knew it was going to happen. You just knew that someone was going to release a mega low budget “mockbuster” knock off of the upcoming The Predator. I am surprised, though, that the fine folks at The Asylum aren’t leading the pack on it. Instead, it looks like the fine folks at Wild Eye Releasing are getting it done. I like the look of the trailer and I’m always down for a low budget space monster movie, so this looks very rentable. And, hey, the movie’s original title was apparently Aliens vs. Titanic. That’s cool. Isn’t it?
–Distorted: Christina Ricci, Brendan Fletcher, and the immortal John Cusack are in this low budget action thriller that, I’m guessing, is all about a weird apartment. It doesn’t look like it’s one of those “supernatural” deals, it looks like the apartment is weird because of something a real live flesh and blood person is doing/has done. Man, I really need to check out some of these low budget flicks that Cusack is doing. They look insane. And what’s the deal with Christina Ricci? She looks like Anna Farris in this.
–Brain Dead: The fine folks at Shout! Factory/Scream Factory are releasing this late 1980’s/early 1990’s sci-fi horror flick, which is known for having both Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton in it. I’ve never seen this movie (amazingly, I don’t remember ever seeing this in any of the video stories I used to frequent back in the day) but it looks freaking amazing. Weird, too. I mean, there’s a guy with an exposed brain in the trailer. In the trailer! How often do you see that kind of thing in a trailer? This Scream Factory Blu-ray will have deleted scenes and a commentary track with the director, Adam Simon, and the director Rodman Flender (he gave us the terrific erotic thriller In the Heat of Passion and Leprechaun 2, s you know he’ll be interesting to listen to). Anyone out there see this?
**
Did you check out Cult TV?
The 1970’s TV thriller Kolchak: The Night Stalker is first up! Check out what I think about the show with the links below!
Issue #1
Issue #2
Issue #3
Issue #4
**
B-Movie News
Joe Bob Briggs is coming back two more times in 2018!: Yes, last week, streaming service Shudder announced that Joe Bob Briggs, the man that broke in the internets with The Last Drive-In this past July, will be coming back to Shudder in November with a Thanksgiving marathon called “The Dinners of Death” (a four movie cannibal flick marathon?) and a Christmas special marathon called “A Very Joe Bob Christmas.” The November marathon is expected to run on Thanksgiving night, and the December show is set to air on December 21st.
On top of those two specials, Joe Bob will be coming back in 2019 with what’s being described as “a regular show.” A “regular” show? Does that mean a weekly show? A monthly show? Holy crap, Joe Bob is really coming back, not for another one-off but for a new freaking show! That’s awesome!
The Thanksgiving show sounds like a hoot (I won’t be able to watch it “live,” unfortunately, but a cannibal movie marathon sounds like a hoot. He’s finally going to host The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and, probably, part 2). And a Joe Bob Christmas? Will he be doing Christmas themed horror flicks or will he once again try to get the entire Briggs family together for the holidays (you can find his attempt to do that on Monstervision on YouTube)? Will he try to do both?
We’ll know soon enough. Man, Shudder is really kicking ass right now, isn’t it?
Long live Joe Bob Briggs! The Drive-In will never die!
**
Who is the Douchebag of the Week? Go here and find out!
**
Next Issue: Cyborg September continues with The Six Million Dollar Man: The Solid Gold Kidnapping!
**
Interviews
david j. moore
Jino Kang
Vladimir Kulich
Paul Mormando
Michael Matteo Rossi
Tyrone Magnus
Hector Barron
Jeffrey Orgill
Michael Baumgarten
R. Marcos Taylor
Don “The Dragon” Wilson
Paul Kyriazi
Eric Jacobus
Juju Chan
Luke LaFontaine
Marco Siedlemann
Sam Firstenberg
Amariah Olson
Alexander Nevsky
Mathias Hues
Kristanna Loken
Steve Mitchell
Albert Pyun
Brad Thornton
Mathieu Ratthe
Damien Power
Kelsey Carlisle
Mike Dwyer
Nicholas Bushman
Brahim Achabbakhe
Etcetera
Richard LeMay
Andrew David Barker
Cynthia Rothrock
Leslie Simpson
C. Courtney Joyner
Eric Miller
Alexander Nevsky (2)
Christopher Lawrence Chapman
James Mark
Casper Van Dien
Chris Mark
James E. Wilson
Barry Hunt
Vincent J. Roth
Mathew Ziff
Brandon Tyler Russell
Barry Hunt (2)
Lobsang Tenzin
Dylan Reynolds
Paul Kyriazi(2)
Lincoln Bevers
Nassasin Nuri
Hannah Janssen
Harry Mok
Daniel Roebuck
Sage Croft
Stephen van Vuuren
Cheryl Wheeler Sanders
Eric Jacobus (2)
David William No
Nicholas Verdi
Luke LaFontaine (2)
Roger Yuan
Dominik Starck
Tamas Nadas
Tyler Savage
Robert McGinley
Tim Gouran
Billy Ray Brewton
Leo Scherman
Harley Di Nardo
**
**
Well, I think that’ll be about it for now. Don’t forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.
B-movies rule. Always remember that.
The Six Million Dollar Man: Wine, Women, and War
Lee Majors– Colonel Steve Austin
Richard Anderson– Oscar Goldman
Alan Oppenheimer– Dr. Rudy Wells
Britt Ekland– Katrina Volana
Eric Braeden– Arlen Findletter
Earl Hollman– Harry Donner
David McCallum– Alexi Kaslov
Michele Carey– Cynthia Holland
Catherine Ferrar– Tamara
Directed by Russ Mayberry
Screenplay by Glen A. Larson, based on a novel by Martin Caidin
Distributed by the American Broadcasting Company (ABC) and Universal Television
Not Rated
Runtime– 73 minutes
Buy it here
