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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: Accident Man
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #460: Accident Man
MAYhem: Week 1
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that doesn’t exactly have a designated hangout place but is interested in finding one as long as it isn’t filled with psychos and assholes, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number four hundred and sixty, MAYhem begins with Accident Man starring Scott Adkins.
Accident Man
Accident Man, directed by Jesse V. Johnson, is an adaptation of a comic that appeared in the weekly British comic anthology (I guess that’s what you call it) Toxic! that appeared in the early 1990’s. Scott Adkins, who also co-wrote the script with Stu Small and served as a producer, stars as Mike Fallon, a badass hitman who makes all of his hits look like accidents. Fallon works for Big Ray (the Punisher hisself Ray Stevenson), a retired badass hitman who operates an assassination for hire business out of a private bar in London. Fallon is just one of several hitmen/assassins who work for Big Ray. There’s Carnage Cliff (Ross O’Hennessy), a jacked up psycho who blitzes people with an axe; Poison Pete (Stephen Donald), a weirdo pervert who poisons people; Mick and Mac (Michael Jai White and Ray Park), former Special Forced operators who work as a team; Finicky Fred (Perry Benson), a guy who doesn’t trust modern technology and who experiments on weird ways to kill people; and Jane the Ripper (Amy Johnston), a badass martial artist who likes to kill men with a sword. Big Ray also employs Milton (David Paymer), a sort of bookworm and administrator who sets up the various hits and collects and distributes the fees earned by the killers. No one likes Milton, but one of the rules of Big Ray’s outfit is you can’t hurt Milton (you also can’t spit or kill anyone inside the bar). Fallon would love to smack Milton around because he’s annoying, but Fallon likes his job too much to consider breaking any of Big Ray’s rules.
The only other thing in the whole world that Fallon loves is his ex-girlfriend Beth (Brooke Johnston), a mega hot environmentalist who enjoyed taking on polluters and big business. Beth broke up with Fallon to shack up with Charlie (Ashley Greene), a fellow environmentalist. Fallon was annoyed when he broke up with Beth, but he sort of learned to accept that Beth had another aspect to her life and he moved on as best he could. However, Fallon’s life and immediate worldview change when two things happen. First, Fallon is attacked by a man on a motorcycle (the great Tim Man) when Fallon is asked by Milton to go pick up an assassination fee in person, something that isn’t usually done. And second, after dealing with the motorcycle guy (a nice little street fight there), Fallon finds out that Beth is dead, murdered in her home by two crackheads. Fallon is pissed about the change in protocol (again, no hitman working for Big Ray goes to pick up a fee in person. It’s all supposed to be done by Milton), and he has a hard time believing the official crackhead story. Something about Beth’s murder doesn’t add up.
Then Fallon goes to Beth’s funeral, interacts with Charlie, and finds out that Beth was pregnant with his child. That pisses him off the most. Fallon does some investigating, checks out the police report and the crime scene (he calls in a favor with the cops that he knows), and determines that Beth’s murder isn’t some random occurrence. No, Beth was assassinated by someone. She was killed by a hitman. Who the hell would want to kill Beth? Was it someone who worked for Big Ray? If it was, Big Ray and his “employees” are going to pay.
And that is the essential plot of Accident Man. I don’t think it’s a spoiler to say that, yes, Big Ray’s assassination outfit was involved in Beth’s murder, and that Fallon’s revenge is nothing short of epic. The man is a force of nature when he’s determined to exact retribution, and the way he dispatches the bad guys is part of the fun of the movie. And Accident Man, as a whole, is a fun movie. Yes, the main characters are dark and harsh individuals and the world they operate in is horribly violent, but at the same time the whole thing is kind of ridiculous. There’s a dark sense of humor that permeates Accident Man that helps make the movie a crowd pleader, despite the whole “hitman” thing. Some viewers might call the tone of the movie “Tarantinoesque,” but I would object to that characterization as Accident Man is entertaining and isn’t a showcase for the director to show off and tell the audience how cool he is. Accident Man is cool, and if you fail to see that the problem is with you, not the movie.
Now, when it comes to the movies of Scott Adkins “funny” isn’t usually an adjective that pops up. Badass, action filled, cool, insane, those are words and phrases we tend to hear. Funny? Adkins can have a warm screen presence, but when has he ever been funny? Adkins is hilarious in Accident Man. From his constant voiceover to his interactions with the other members of Big Ray’s assassination outfit, Adkins shows that he can trade barbs, make jokes, and be a smartass with the best of them. And he doesn’t look out of place doing it. Adkins also shows that he can act with character heavyweights like Stevenson and Palmer and, again, he doesn’t look out of place alongside them. The man has depth, and he can do pretty much anything other actors can do.
As for the action scenes Adkins is in, they’re all amazing. Every fight Adkins engages in is a little different and shows, just in case you didn’t know, that he’s a supreme man of action. Accident Man is a definite “calling card” movie for Adkins and shows what he can do. A terrific performance in a truly great movie.
Ray Stevenson, the Punisher, is goddamn awesome as Big Ray. He’s funny, profane, and the kind of “man’s man” taskmaster type that “real men” look up to. He’s also a gigantic asshole who is proud of that fact. Stevenson shines most, though, in the big flashback sequence where we see Big Ray train a young Fallon (Leon Finnan) in the assassination arts. I think you’ll be surprised by how his character arc plays out. I really thought that Fallon and Big Ray were going to throw down and beat the hell out of one another. Maybe we’ll see that in Accident Man 2? I think that would rock.
Michael Jai White, in full on supporting role mode, kicks ass as former Special Forces operator Mick. MJW is funny, looks good in his action and fight scenes, and he gets to wield a gigantic machine gun which looks ridiculous and badass all at the same time. Ray Park, Darth Maul hisself, is a hoot as Mick’s partner Mac. He has great chemistry with MJW and he gets a few good scenes of his own, both in the fighting department and in the “just a guy acting” department. Park is funny, and I think it’s obvious that we need to see more of him and from him.
Amy Johnston is terrifying as Jane The Ripper. She’s sexy and she’s incredibly dangerous, especially when she whips out that sword. She has a superb fight with Adkins towards the end of the movie and she shows, just in case you didn’t know, that she’s a true blue action star of the future (I really need to check out her tournament fighting movie Lady Bloodfight).
Ross O’Hennessy does a fine job as the insane Carnage Cliff. It’s a one note role, sure, but O’Hennessy gives the axe wielding madman just enough personality to make you remember him. I’d love to see a ridiculous short film series where Carnage Cliff goes after random people with his axe. I think people would watch.
David Paymer brings on the sleaze as Milton. As soon as you see him you know he can’t be trusted, and, boy, is that assumption spot on. Stephen Donald is pretty dang sleazy, too, as Poison Pete. He makes Pete a sort of high class Troma villain. And Perry Benson, as Finicky Fred, is a revelation. His presence amongst the badass Scott Adkins, Ray Stevenson, Michael Jai White, and Ray Park doesn’t seem plausible, but then he starts speaking and you understand why he’s there. Finicky Fred likes to kill people. He may not be a violent guy, but he has ideas that he wants to test out. Every murder firm needs an intellectual.
The fight and action scenes in this movie are nothing short of exceptional. The motorcycle brawl between Adkins and Tim Man (Man also served as the movie’s fight choreographer) is a true thing of nasty beauty (check out that sweet drop kick to the chest). The brawl between MJW and Park and Adkins is a great three way. And, I can’t stress this enough, the Adkins/Johnston fight is pitch perfect. If you’re a fan of top notch action and onscreen fighting, you need to see Accident Man.
Accident Man is a great movie. Chock full of action and comedy, it’s a crowd pleaser despite its dark underpinnings. It’s a movie that you absolutely need to see. So what the heck are you waiting for? See Accident Man now!
See it! See it! See it! Highly recommended.
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: About 20.
Explosions: A few.
Nudity?: None.
Doobage: A big city at night, a forced hanging, motorcycle riding beating the crap out of people in a bar, serious arm breaking, leg breaking, serious sword play, soccer team killing, phone book hooey, beer chugging, hilarious mild homophobia, a great “car accident” job, a sex montage, killing an entire heavy metal band, motorcycle attack, machine gun attack, a wicked dropkick to the chest, a full on martial arts street brawl, a brutal kick to the head, attempted knife attack, more serious arm breaking, neck breaking, booze drinking, a police report re-enactment, a martial arts brawl inside a gym, a double barrel shotgun under the bar, flashback to when Mike Fallon was a teenager, exploding window, videotape hooey, lots of cigarette smoking, pushing a kid off the roof of a building, axe to the back, feet beating, phone book across the face, drinking booze through a straw, exploding door, major machine gun attack, slow motion crashing through a glass window, fire extinguisher hooey, a wicked punch to the balls, more sword play, sword through the gut, a sudden decapitation, a good stomping, poisoned band aids, and the potential for a sequel.
Kim Richards?: It depends on how you want to look at it. I say “big time,” but your opinion may vary.
Gratuitous: Scott Adkins, Scott Adkins doing a voice over, talk of “PMT- Post Murder Tension,” Michael Jai White, Ray Park, Amy Johnston, Ray Stevenson, David Paymer, a bunch of rules, Tim Man, Scott Adkins littering, local news on the TV, defenestration, milk drinking, mild hilarious anti-Americanism, apprenticeship on how to kill people in various ways, a Russian massage place, feet beating, a box of bandaids that says “Adkins” on it, and the potential for a sequel.
Best lines: “He’s late. That’s a bit disrespectful if you ask me. A man should never be late for his own death,” “I don’t see him as a person. I see him as a brand new bike,” “Oooh, look at these scumbags,” “I just don’t fight people anymore, I fucking destroy them,” “Evening, Cliff,” “All the lads would love to shag her, but we’re all afraid we wouldn’t live to tell the tale,” “Basically, you’re going to weaponized bandages?,” “Bitches, man,” “I’d fuck it!,” “Like I always said, women make you soft,” “How about that? Painful?,” “You’re a disgrace to my profession,” “I’m her sister, you dick!,” “Fucking bastards!,” “You don’t look so happy, Mike. What’s up?,” “Shit, these boys are good,” “Mike, if it makes you feel any better you can kill my wife,” “Mike, you lucky I like you, man,” “You seem pretty unscathed. I don’t bruise easily,” “Don’t you disrespect me, boy!,” “People call it bullying, I call it getting the shit beat out of you by a gang of little wankers,” “Are you taking a piss?,” “Turns out I didn’t want to be an astronaut, after all,” “You’re serious about this? Like a midget in a nudist colony,” “Hold on, I haven’t got a problem with lesbians and gays!,” “That was a pretty good punch,” “Cliff, what the fuck?,” “Sorry, mate,” “Oh, poppycock!,” “Fuck me, it speaks!,” “Grenade that motherfucker,” “You made me kill my friend, motherfucker! That’s your motherfucking ass!,” “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Fred!,” “It’s time I butter your toast, Mike. And if you’re lucky I’ll let you lick the knife,” “I’m never wrong, Milton,” “All of this because of a fucking bird,” “I’m sorry, Ray,” and “Watch your back, Mike. I always do, Ray.”
Rating: 10.0/10.0
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Things to Watch Out For This Week
–Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell: This is the sixth movie in the Tremors franchise and the fifth sequel. Once again it features Michael Gross as gun aficionado/survivalist/graboid killer Burt Gummer and his long lost son Travis played by Jamie Kennedy. A Cold Day in Hell apparently has Burt and Travis fighting graboids at a remote research station in a cold weather climate and the graboids have been transformed into “living weapons,” whatever the hell that means. The fifth movie was a departure from the first four in style and tone, but it was still pretty entertaining, and with the same creative team returning (Don Michael Paul is the director, John Whelpley is the screenwriter) it looks like we’re in for more of the same. That’s a good thing, or about as good as we’re going to get. A definite must have. I will be reviewing it at some point, but not quite sure when yet.
–Desolation: The fine folks at Shout! Factory/Scream Factory are behind this home video release, a low budget horror flick about people being stalked by a mysterious figure in the woods. Sure, we’ve all seen something like it a million times before, but based on the reviews I’ve seen for it and the trailer, Desolation looks like a well-made horror thriller. It’s also apparently around 80 minutes, which is a perfect running time for something like this. If this wasn’t a Scream Factory release it would be rentable, but with Scream Factory’s participation it looks like something worth buying. So there ya go.
–All I Wish: I was supposed to review this movie a while back but I never got around to it. It doesn’t look half bad, as far as modern romantic comedies go. It has a good cast, with Sharon Stone starring alongside Tony Goldwyn, Ellen Burstyn, and Famke Janssen, and it doesn’t sound all that annoying. It was originally called A Little Something for Your Birthday, which almost sounds like a better title since the story seems to take place around the birthday of Sharon Stone’s character. Perhaps I’ll know the truth about which title is best when I eventually, finally, see it.
–Free Comic Book Day is this Saturday!: Aren’t you excited? It’s Free Comic Book Day, for the love of God! If you’re a comic book nerd be sure to make an effort to visit your local comic book shop/shops and pick up what they’re offering (some places allow you to get several free comic books), and buy something while you’re there, too. You know, something cool. That’s what I’ll be doing this Saturday. You can go to the Free Comic Book Day official website to see what the day and event is all about/what comic book companies are participating and what they’re offering, and if you don’t know where your local comic book shop is, go here to the Comic Book Shop Locator website. And then make plans to get out there for Free Comic Book Day!
Free Comic Book Day! Yeah!
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Ash vs. Evil Dead is now over!
Check out my reviews for the third season below!
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Episode 8
Episode 9
Episode 10
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B-Movie News
–It looks like the Tremors TV show starring Kevin Bacon isn’t happening: My God, that didn’t take long, did it? As soon as word broke out that the great Fred Ward would be appearing on the new Tremors TV show, Kevin Bacon announced that Syfy had passed on the pilot that was made. Why the cable channel passed, I have no idea (I haven’t seen a reason reported anywhere, not that networks generally give out reasons for how they pick the shows they want to air), but it looks like the Kevin Bacon Tremors sequel/reboot/whatever the hell you want to call it is dead. Unless someone else decides they want it, which, I guess, is possible. Amazon Prime was the first outfit that seemed interested in the potential show, but AP passed. Then Syfy showed interest. I’d suspect that Netflix and AMC will be getting a call sooner or later.
Now, if no one wants the show as a TV show, is it possible that someone might want to invest in shooting more footage to make the pilot a TV movie, or maybe a direct-to-video movie or something? I guess that’s possible, too, although Kevin Bacon seems to be too much of an “artist” at the moment to allow something like that. Universal, the people behind the franchise and the ongoing direct-to-video movie series starring Michael Gross, might want to do something with it at some point. I think Tremors fans would be interested.
I’m bummed about this. As a Tremors nerd, I wanted to see what the heck Bacon was doing with this. How did his character Valentine McKee live after the events of the first movie, and what the heck has he been up to these last few years? I hope we find out at some point.
Who else is bummed about this?
–Albert Pyun is raising money for his next project Bad Ass Angels and Demons!: And you can help the director get what he needs via a Go Fund Me campaign, which you can check out here. Badass Angels and Demons is set to be some sort of post-apocalyptic future thing where, apparently, angels and demons battle for whatever is left of Earth. Sound cool? You bet your ass it sounds cool. And with Pyun at the helm, you know that it will be cool and thought provoking. After the awesome Interstellar Civil War (check out my review of that flick here, what the heck does Pyun really have in store for us? Again, go check out the movie’s > Go Fund Me page, and figure out if you can help out. And be sure to keep an eye out for the project when it’s ready to go.
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Who is the Douchebag of the Week? Go here and find out!
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Next Issue: MAYhem continues with Wild Card starring Jason Statham!
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Interviews
david j. moore
Jino Kang
Vladimir Kulich
Paul Mormando
Michael Matteo Rossi
Tyrone Magnus
Hector Barron
Jeffrey Orgill
Michael Baumgarten
R. Marcos Taylor
Don “The Dragon” Wilson
Paul Kyriazi
Eric Jacobus
Juju Chan
Luke LaFontaine
Marco Siedlemann
Sam Firstenberg
Amariah Olson
Alexander Nevsky
Mathias Hues
Kristanna Loken
Steve Mitchell
Albert Pyun
Brad Thornton
Mathieu Ratthe
Damien Power
Kelsey Carlisle
Mike Dwyer
Nicholas Bushman
Brahim Achabbakhe
Etcetera
Richard LeMay
Andrew David Barker
Cynthia Rothrock
Leslie Simpson
C. Courtney Joyner
Eric Miller
Alexander Nevsky (2)
Christopher Lawrence Chapman
James Mark
Casper Van Dien
Chris Mark
James E. Wilson
Barry Hunt
Vincent J. Roth
Mathew Ziff
Brandon Tyler Russell
Barry Hunt (2)
Lobsang Tenzin
Dylan Reynolds
Paul Kyriazi(2)
Lincoln Bevers
Nassasin Nuri
Hannah Janssen
Harry Mok
Daniel Roebuck
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Well, I think that’ll be about it for now. Don’t forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.
B-movies rule. Always remember that.
Accident Man
Scott Adkins– Mike Fallon
Ray Stevenson– Big Ray
Ashley Greene– Charlie Adams
David Paymer– Milton
Michael Jai White– Mick
Ray Park– Mac
Amy Johnston– Jane The Ripper
Perry Benson– Finicky Fred
Ross O’Hennesy– Carnage Cliff
Nick Moran– Leonard Kent
Stephen Donald– Poison Pete
Brooke Johnston– Beth Carpenter
Leon Finnan– Young Fallon
Tim Man– Triad Biker
Directed by Jesse V. Johnson
Screenplay by Stu Small and Scott Adkins, based on the comic book by Pat Mills
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Rated R for strong brutal violence throughout, pervasive language, some sexual content, and brief drug use.
Runtime- 105 minutes
Buy it here
