411’s WWE Confidential Report 05.10.03

YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY SAFE HOME
First and foremost, a big hat’s off to W. Dal Bush for last week’s spectacular report. Dal’s the kind of writer that keeps the rest of us on our collective toes and last week he surpassed even himself by recapping the entire Confidential program twice, and differently each time. Excellent job, Mr. B. I’ll try not decrease the Confidential quality level too much this week, but I make no promises.

REMEMBER, IF YOU SEE AND HERE IT HERE, WE’VE COME FOR YOU ALL
Tonight Miss Elizabeth is posthumously awarded the title of “Diva” and Lex Luger calls 911. Gene Okerlund gets us started.

SEGMENT #1: MISS ELIZADEATH
Not to quote Sean O’Haire twice in one night (the first time being in Velocity) but the beginning of this is nothing you don’t already know. Elizabeth “Miss Elizabeth” Hulette died Thursday morning at Lex Luger’s house. They were dating. She apparently overdosed. He called 911 and she died. He was taken in for questioning and later arrested on 14 counts of possession. Of those 14 counts, none of them included possessing common sense. Before the story gets any deeper, here’s what current WWE talent has to say about Miss E.

VINCE: “She had certain qualities that we’d never seen before and no doubt never will again. She was a special human being and she brought those qualities to life by being herself.” At no point does he actually say what those qualities are. Come on, EVERYBODY has “qualities.” How long did she work for you and that’s the best you can say about her??

HULK: She had an unbelievable presence and the camera really liked her.

HOWARD FINKLE: Her debut was groundbreaking and paved the way for the WWE of today.

GERALD BRISCOE: “All the current Divas have a piece of Elizabeth with them as she pioneered the Divas image.” I hope they don’t actually carry those pieces with them because that’s just sick.

VINCE: She was one of the first female managers but she didn’t have a lot to say. She said everything with her eyes and her manner. The viewers wanted to empathize with her.

STEPHANIE: She was elegant and classy and I idolized her. She was always sweet and supportive of her man.

GERALD BRISCOE: She did a lot of charity work in Florida and she respected everybody that she touched.

BRUCE PRICHARD: “The way she conducted herself in the arena is how she conducted herself in real life.” So she overdosed in arenas, too?

STEPHANIE: She connected with the audience and the fans all fell in love with her. Her romance with the Macho Man was the greatest thing in the world to me.

BRUCE PRICHARD: My favorite memory is the wedding at Madison Square Garden.

STEVE LOMBARDI: We called that the Wedding Heard Around the World. It was the first time we married anyone in the ring.

VINCE: I can see her on Randy’s shoulder, giving back to the audience just as much as she’s getting.

Okay, here’s the deal. As you all know W. Dal usually recaps the commercials and makes them damn funny. Well, I planned on also doing it this time, but there is just so damn much going on in this report already that I’m afraid of making it too long so I’m gonna skip it. I plan on recapping the entire Lex Luger 911 call, so I hope that makes up for it in some small way as it should be just as funny, albeit for all the wrong reasons.

Confidential is brought to you by Milky Way, Castrol GTX and Nike Basketball.com

SEGMENT #2: I DON’T JUST BEAT THEM, IRAQ THEM
The US Naval Base in Norfolk, Virginia, specifically the USS Vella Gulf, was visited by SmackDown Superstars Sable, Rey Mysterio, Rhyno and Dawn Marie. Sable thanked them for allowing the WWE there and the 4 Superstars applauded a boat full of seamen. Dawn comes from a military family and was proud to give some of her private time to thank these brave men. I’m brave, Dawn! Thank me with your private time! Rhyno, wearing a Hooters t-shirt no less, was happy to interact with the brave men and women and to be shown what they do. It make Rhyno happy. Rhyno like happy. Rhyno not like sad. Rhyno smash! Gore! Gore! GORE!! Rey sez these guys fight for our right… to PARTY!! Captain Rick Rikard (seriously, what’s wrong with this guy’s parents? Rick RIKard?) says this is a great morale lifter and it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity for the soldiers. Getting shot at in Iraq is an everyday occurrence, but meeting WWE Superstars is once-in-a-lifetime. Other military people interviewed were Jayne Pearl and Lt. Dan Vetsch who said that a lot of these sailors watch the WWE (Aircraft carriers get cable now? The Navy rules!).

WWE Rewind: Spanky rappin’ with John Cena.

SEGMENT #3: CENA AND I WOULDN’T WANNA BE YA
Outside the Ropes with Josh Mathews and John Cena. Cena requests nothing be below the equator.
1. Excluding yourself, who is the world’s best rapper?
For people like me, Cannabis. For people like you (Josh) Eminem

2. Where do you find your throwback jerseys and which is your favorite?
Malls across America and the Milwaukee Bucks. Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Josh says, “Are you finished?”

3. What do you predict will be the next fashion statement in the world of hip hop?
Chains with the Master Lock is making a huge comeback. That and maybe polka dot hammer pants, but that’s between you an me.

4. What do you think of female rap artists?
Female rap artists are tearin’ it up. Doesn’t matter what color, race creed, sex, just do your stuff.

5. Who or what inspired you to be a rapper?
“Just the fact that it’s a different kind of thing. Everyone was listening to rock and I went the other way to rap. I love the art form.” It’s an art form now? When will there be government grants for rappers?

6. Who shot Biggie & Tupac?
I could tell you, but I’d rather put it on a DVD and sell it for $14.95.

7. Emimem’s movie was “8 Mile.” What would John Cena’s movie be?
4th Mile because 8 Mile was a trailer park and I was half way away from that. No, make that 200th Mile because I’d be way, way outside the hood.

8. When you’re not rapping, what does John Cena like to do? Wait, I know this one; I saw him on an independent wrestling special. He likes to eat steak. Lots of steak.
Cruise the 612, hit switches and talk to them bitc**s.

9. If there’s one message you could give to all of your homies, what would it be?
I’m fully focused, man. I’m just tryin’ to spread the word of thuganomics. Do your thing. If looking like you’re thirteen and trying to be an announcer is your thing, do it.

10. Shout out a rap back to Gene in the studio.
Want me to shout out to Mean Gene? Rap about SmackDown how we on the blue team? How we rip it from Monday to Thursday and you can’t see me with them glasses anyway. You want to talk about stuff on Confidential? I’ll rip your teeth out dude, you’ll need the false dental. I don’t need to talk to you or to Mean Gene. I play by my own rules for my own team. I can even do this flow even if I stutter. My flow is mad tight; I’m like a roll with butter.

SEGMENT #4: TRAVELLING THE JESSE VENTURA HIGHWAY
Jesse says his legacy is that he’s the greatest wrestling announcer in the history of the planet Earth. See, he sucked as a wrestler so he transitioned into announcing. Actually what he said is that he’s the greatest color commentator in the history of pro wrestling. Like Jerry Lawler, Jesse proud to have wrestled and commentated in the same time period. Yeah, but Lawler once wrestled and commentated at the same time, in his own match. Jesse says the best broadcast team was him and Vince. Gorilla Monsoon says that Jesse was very green but has come a long way. Not as long as your voice has come Gorilla, from beyond the grave!

SEGMENT #5: IT FROM VAULT
Rhyno like Bret Hart v. Davey Smith from London, England. What Rhyno not tell is it in Wembley Stadium at Summer Slam 1992 for Intercontinental Championship. It 25-minute match so it not shown in entirety.

They circle and come chest-to-chest in a stare down. They trade shoves. Lock up. Davey throws Bret to the corner. Lock up again. Headlock by Davey. Bret sends Davey off the ropes. Leapfrog by Bret. Shoulder block by Davey. Bret rolls out of the ring. They lock up again. Hip toss by Bret. Head scissors by Davey. Bret kips out. Another hip toss by Bret but this time he avoids the scissors and holds onto a headlock. Davey works to his feet and sends Bret to the ropes. Davey tries for a suplex but Bret jumps behind and rolls him up for a 2-count. Small package by Bret fro another 2-count. Hip toss from the knees by Bret into another headlock. Davey escapes into a hammerlock and drops a knee to Bret’s shoulder. And again. Bret works to his feet and elbows out. Armbar by Bret. Bret snaps the arm. Davey rolls thru and flips into a reversal. Bret fights to his feet and sends Davey to the ropes. Bret tries a leapfrog but Davey catches him and catapults him into the turnbuckle. Davey goes back to the armbar. Fast Forward. Davey suplexes Bret over the top rope back into the ring. Bret shifts in mid-air, landing on his feet behind Davey. German suplex by Bret and once again we are interrupted by a Comcast Cable tornado warning message (this also happened during Velocity, so we lose about 30 seconds here). When we come back, Bret is seated in the top rope and Davey is standing on it. Top rope superplex by Davey for a 2-count. Reversed British whip by Bret. Davey ducks a clothesline. Double clothesline and both men are down. While lying down, Bret sets up the Sharpshooter. He locks it in. Nice! Davey won’t submit. Davey makes it to the ropes. European uppercut by Bret. Reversed whip by Davey. Bret dives over him for a sunset flip but Davey hooks Bret’s legs and leans forward, blocking the flip and pinning Bret.

As tired as I am from already recapping an episode of Velocity tonight, this was pretty damn cool. I never thought I’d be in a position to recap a Bret Hart match and certainly not a British Bulldog match, yet here I got to do both at the same time.

SEGMENT #6: THE 911 411
The Cobb County Sheriff’s department says that Elizabeth’s death could be suicide, a natural death or homicide. Can you be any more vague? Can you at least confirm that she is in fact dead? Cpl. Brody Staud says we have to wait for the autopsy. Hulk says Liz was always a passenger in life, never the driver. Vince says that her marriage to Macho Man smothered her. Hulk’s wife was also told that Liz was smothered by her marriage. Liz took a break from the world of wrestling for 4 years, returning in 1996 to WCW. Vince says that WCW was not the caring environment of the WWE and that may have affected her.
In WCW Liz met Lawrence Pfohl “Lex Luger.” No one knows the details of their relationship but two weeks before her death Cobb County police responded to a domestic disturbance call at Lex’s home. Liz had contusions and swollen eyes and admitted that Lex hit her. He was arrested and charged with battery. On to May 1st, 2003.

LEX LUGER: She’s laying on the floor. I tried to pick her up… I tried to…

911 OPERATOR: Okay, what I want you to do, I want you to go over and see if she’s breathing.

LEX LUGER: I can’t tell. Please send somebody here who knows what they’re doing.

911 OPERATOR: I understand that sir. I have somebody on the way but if she’s not breathing you need to help her breathe. You need to find out whether or not she’s breathing. Go over to her… roll her… pull her…

911 OPERATOR: Sir?

LEX LUGER: Oh my God. Please send somebody…

911 OPERATOR: Listen to me. You have got to help her. Lay down…

LEX LUGER: I’m trying. I’ve been trying to help her.

911 OPERATOR: Lay down and check to see if she’s breathing. Look at her chest; see if it’s rising.

LEX LUGER: Doesn’t look like it is. I’m scared to death.

Vince isn’t angry, but he’s disappointed in how much Lex and Liz let each other down in life. The irony of the innocence of Miss Elizabeth juxtaposed with the way she died; there’s a message there somewhere. Perhaps falling from grace or not having a purpose in life? All performers in the wrestling business have to learn from this so it is never repeated.

This story is far from over but more sophisticated journalistic sources have better information and more detail. And again, nothing is confirmed until the autopsy. Lex says Liz was choking on food after drinking two glasses of wine and taking medication for back pain, and that he tried to give her CPR, but it’s obvious that she did not choke to death. Every wrestling fan I know has nothing but fond memories of the Miss Elizabeth character (not counting her WCW tenure) and she’s just the latest in a string of tragic deaths to plague this industry. Elizabeth, you deserved better and I feel that we all let you down. God speed you.

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL
W. Dal returns and has to deal with the SmackDown tour of England, Ireland and Scotland. Ach laddie, ‘tis a pot o’ rasslin’ gold!

ANY PLACE BUT HERE
So close, but no. This week’s Confidential Report is supposed to mirror my usual Velocity format, just with different section headings. This is the –360 CONFIDENTIAL section, except there was no Confidential a year ago. It debuted on May 25, 2002 with Shawn Michaels telling us all that *gasp* he was in on the Montreal Screwjob all along! But I’m getting ahead of myself, as it’s not the year mark yet.

WHAT DOESN’T DIE
Can’t get enough of me, can ya? I don’t blame you. Go check out this week’s Velocity Report for your regularly scheduled dose and the first half of tonight’s WWE SATURDAY FULL-NIGHT EVENT! You love it, you know you do!

NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING
Welcome to VelociMail. That’s right, for the first time ever there is a Velocity Mailbag section in a Confidential Report! Why? Why not? It’s worth it… read on.

First, it’s important to mention that we who write this wrestling related drivel on a weekly basis are actually fans and do so because we like to. We don’t do it to impress or amuse anyone other than ourselves and I believe that every writer here at 411 will back me up on that. If YOU like to read what we write, that’s a bonus, but we do it mainly to entertain us. However, this isn’t a vacuum and we will actually take suggestions and criticism when it’s thoughtfully provided. I recall Dal being burned out on commercial recaps a few weeks ago (they do take the longest time to do each week) so he decided to quit doing them, but enough of you wrote in asking him not to that they were only absent for a week. The following exchange between myself and an avid Velocity “fan” is not an example of thoughtful criticism. Absolutely no editing was done to either his or my emails.

STEVE BREY
NOTE: The subject to this email was “Your Articals Suck Gay Boy”
Stop writeing those pathetic velocity reports all you do is say non sense no one wants to read….damn just write down what happend dont add in your un wise comments you dont know anything about wrestling

ME
Steve, thanks for your thoughtful and masterfully worded email. I was thinking of giving the whole thing up, but praise such as yours really makes it all worth it. I do this for you, the literate fan. Thanks for your support.

STEVE BREY
sorry im not a internet freak who spends his time online 24/7 like u

STEVE BREY
god your reports suck

ME
Hey, you’re slipping. You forgot to call me “gay” this time.
Please try harder, don’t you have standards?

STEVE BREY
well unlike your articals I dont like to repeat myself

ME
Yes you do; this is the second time you’ve spelled “articles” wrong. Twice = repetition.

STEVE BREY
sorry my grammer is bad im not trying to impress you anyways….at least I dont write articals no one likes for a website…I have a life fag boy

ME
Look, a homosexual reference; I see we’re back to the classics.
I can certainly tell you have a life by the way you have absolutely no time to continually read Velocity columns you hate and how you don’t waste any of your precious time emailing people who don’t give a shit about you.
Good luck with that “life” there, sport.

STEVE BREY
Yeah I read the report cause unlike you im not home alone jerking off to guys in underwear on saturday nights.

ME
So what nights are you home alone jerking off to guys in underwear on? I’m guessing “weekdays.”

THINK ABOUT AN END
How can I follow that with anything else? I can’t. Please join W. Dal next week for the pre-Judgment Day episode of Confidential.
Section headings this week courtesy of Anthrax. They have come for us all, don’tcha know.