411’s WWE Velocity Report 04.19.03

MA-N-TE-KU
The Japanese Katakana alphabet pronounces it as “manteku” and it means “a slow, special suffering.” In English it’s simply “mantek” and it means all that and more. And it’s me. Some people have brand new relationships; I have Japanese characters etched into my flesh.

VELOCITY #48
No one has floppy ears, whiskers, or a bunny suit, and that includes Josh Mathews, Ernest “The Cat” Miller and myself. Nothing but coal in your Easter baskets this year! Wait a minute… wrong holiday…

The show starts with a promo of Shelton Benjamin warming up with headphones while humming along to the Kurt Angle theme song. In place of “you suck” he’s singing “Shelton.” Charlie Haas interrupts him and says he’s booked the two of them a match against Los Chihuahuas. Uh, who?

MATCH #1: TEAM ANGLE v. LOS CHIHUAHUAS
Referee: Jimmy Kordaris

The Chihuahuas look liked jobbers in masks and no names are given so I will refer to them by their below-the-waist clothing. One has tights and one has only trunks, so they are “Pants” and “Shorts.”

Double short arm clotheslines to start by Team Angle and Shelton tosses Pants out of the ring. Spear takedown on Shorts by Charlie. Arm drag take over by Charlie into an armbar. Haas slams Shorts’ wrist to the canvas. Arm bar again by Haas and he tags out. Shelton comes in with a punch. Arm bar/arm drag combo by Shelton. Knee drop to the bicep by Shelton. Another arm bar by Shelton and he tags out. Arm breaker by Charlie. Kick to the gut and a head ram to the turnbuckle by Charlie. Charlie wraps Shorts’ arm around the top rope and bends it. Kordaris steps in to break it up, allowing Shelton to yank on Shorts’ hair and pound on his chest. Charlie comes back to the corner to rough him up a bit more and tags in Shelton. Double team stomps by Team Angle. Shorts tries to fight back with some punches but a few knees to the gut from Shelton puts a stop to that. Shelton throws Shorts to his corner, making the tag. In comes Pants. Knee to the gut and an overhead suplex from Shelton. 2-count on Pants. Punches from Pants. Reversed whip by Shelton. Baseball slide by Pants. Drop kick by Pants. Arm drag by Pants. Reversed whip by Shelton. Pants goes for a head scissors but Shelton twirls him away. Stomps and punches by Shelton and he tags out. Press by Shelton as he then drops Pants over Charlie’s knee for a gut buster and a cover for 2. Whip to the corner by Charlie followed by a suplex. 2-count on Pants. Abdominal stretch by Charlie. Pants escapes with a snap mare. Clothesline by Charlie. Shelton tags in. Double gut buster by Team Angle. Oklahoma roll by Shelton for 2. Seated abdominal stretch by Shelton. Charile tags in and stomps away on Pants in the corner. Ehip by Charlie and he charges. Pants moves out of the way so Charlie hits the ring post. Shorts gets the tag and hits a top rope spinning heel kick on Charlie and a clothesline on Shelton. Another clothesline on Shelton. Reversed whip by Shelton. Shorts tries to roll over him but falls off and then hits a drop kick. Front Samoan drop by Shorts into a standing senton bomb and a cover. Shelton makes the save. Shelton pounds Shorts down and whips him to the corner. Pants runs in and attacks Shelton. Duck under whip by Shelton and he goes for a kick but Pants catches it. Dragon whip spin kick by Shelton and Pants falls out of the ring. The cameras didn’t show us what happened to Charlie, but he’s down in the corner. Kick to the back of Shorts’ knee by Shelton. Charlie slams the knee down and locks in the Haas of Pain for the submission win.

WINNERS: Team Angle (6:30)

Slam of the Week: Hogan being sent home by Vince a few weeks ago.

Recap: Piper’s Pit from 2 weeks ago with Rikishi and a coconut, followed by footage of this week’s Pit with Jimmy Snuka.

Burn of the Night: Tajiri spitting the green mist into A-Train’s face on SmackDown followed by Rey Mysterio’s ring post 619 on Big Show.

MATCH #2: BILL DeMOTT v. PAT CUESIN
Referee: Mike Sparks

“Every week you watch Bill DeMott but you don’t see me. You Cheer me, you boo me. You wanna get to know Bill DeMott? Come see me.” Yeah, thanks for that…

They lock up. It takes a few seconds, but DeMott finally forces Pat to the mat. With a cat, a bat and a hat. How ‘bout that? That’s phat! Scat! Pat says Bill pulled his hair. Pie face by DeMott. Closed fist to the face by Pat. Go namesake! Actually, I go by Patrick. Double leg takedown by DeMott and he pounds away. DeMott bends the shoulder and head locks Pat’s, well, head. Two kicks to the gut by DeMott. DeMott drapes Pat over the second rope and pounds on his head. Chops in the corner by DeMott. And stomps and punches. Whip across the corner by DeMott and he charges. Pat moves. Punches by Pat. Whip by Pat and he charges. Stiff clothesline by DeMott. DeMott drops the straps and pulls Pat up. Power bomb by DeMott and he glares at the audience for a bit. DeMott picks him up again, decides against it and simply goes for the cover.

WINNER: Bill DeMott (2:35)

Backstage, Matt Hardy Version 1.0 tells Shannon Moore that he’s done well the past few months and has an iota or two of Mattitude. Matt says that there is someone who wants to become an Mfer, but he just doesn’t have it. However, this mystery person is definitely a Moore-on. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Hardy gives us… Crash Holly. It’s Shannon’s job to teach Matt’s wisdom to Crash.

Recap: The APA visits Washington to thank our injured troops.

MATCH #3: CRASH (w/ SHANNON MOORE) v. FUNAKI
Referee: Mike Chioda

They lock up. Arm drag by Funaki and he claps. Another lock up. Arm bar by Crash. Funaki reverses. Crash flips thru and kips into another reversal. Reversal by Funaki into a head lock. Crash elbows out and sends Funaki to the ropes. Shoulder block by Funaki. Funaki goes off the ropes again. Crash tries a hip toss but Funaki reverses it. Lotta reversals so far this match… Armdrag by Funaki. He charges. Back body over the top rope by Crash. Funaki lands on his feet on the apron. Crash elbows him off it. Shannon stomps on Funaki on the outside but Crash pulls him off. Crash wants to prove he can do it himself. Crash rolls Funaki into the ring. Shannon and Crash argue. Funaki vaults over the top rope onto Crash as Shannon just walks away, but he still stays at ringside. Schoolboy rollup by Funaki for 2. Reversed whip to the corner by Crash and he charges but Funaki puts on the breaks and hits a back elbow. Power slam by Crash for a 2-count. Kneeling surfboard by Crash. Crash shifts to a headlock as Funaki makes it up to his feet. Chop by Funaki. Whip by Funaki followed by a drop kick but Crash holds on to the ropes. Crash tries for a German suplex but Funaki rolls thru it for a 2-count. Sidewalk Slam by Crash for a 2-count. Another immediate cover by Crash for 2. Scoop slam by Crash and he walks across Funaki to climb the ropes. Crash jumps. Funaki gets a boot up. Crash catches the boot and rolls Funaki over. Crash misses a clothesline. Suplex by Funaki. Crash charges Funaki. Funaki moves and hits a bulldog. 2-count on Crash. Reversed whip by Funaki into a pancake slam. Sit out drop kick by Funaki. 2-count on Crash. Funaki tries to climb the ropes but Crash grabs his foot. Enziguri by Funaki. 2-count on Crash. Funaki tries a snap suplex but Crash ducks behind and grabs a waist lock. Funaki spins out and hits a drop kick. Funaki goes to the ropes but Shannon trips him. Crash charges, funs Funaki into the ropes and rolls him up fir the pin.

WINNER: Crash (4:26)

After the bell Shannon tries to teach Crash the “V1” sign but Crash just doesn’t get it.

Recap: A rundown of the #1 Contender Tournament, highlighting the Benoit/Cena match from SmackDown.

Recap: Torrie signs a bunch of Playboy magazines.

MATCH #4: KANYON v. RHYNO
Referee: Brian Hebner

Kanyon on the mic. Fifteen months ago he got hurt. He went to India to an herbal healing camp and found a 104-year-old Tibetan monk. The monk says that there is only one better than Kanyon. So Kanyon is back in the WWE to find that person. I’m guessing it’s Rhyno, right now.

Rhyno charges the ring. Kanyon misses a clothesline. Three chops in the corner by Rhyno. Whip across the ring and Rhyno charges. Back elbow by Kanyon. Whip attempt by Kanyon into a short-arm clothesline from Rhyno. Stomps by Rhyno. We’re only 22 seconds into the match… Many more stomps by Rhyno and the crowd seems to love him. Belly-to-belly suplex by Rhyno. Rhyno goes for the Gore. Kanyon dodges it. Side Russian leg sweep by Kanyon into a cover for a 2-count. Clothesline by Kanyon. Elbow drop by Kanyon. The Cat hates Kanyon and Kanyon can go to Hell. That’s just mean, Ernest, and its even Easter weekend! Another elbow drop by Kanyon. Punches in the corner by Kanyon. Second rope bulldog by Kanyon for a 2-count. Knees and stomps by Kanyon. Across the ring baseball slide by Kanyon, sending Rhyno into the ring post. 2-count on Rhyno. Snap mare by Kanyon into a rear chin lock. Rhyno works to his feet and elbows out. Kanyon pulls Rhyno down by his hair. Elbow drop by Kanyon and he climbs the ropes. Moonsault by Kanyon but he misses. Both men are down and Brian starts to count. He gets to 9 before both men get back up. Rhyon blocks a punch and hits his own. And again. Two more punches by Rhyno. Reversed whip by Kanyon. Clothesline by Rhyno. And another and another. Whip by Rhyno into a spine buster. Gore! Gore! Gore! Well, only one Gore, but you have to yell it three times.

WINNER: Rhyno (4:37)

Show’s over; go home.

-360 JAKKED
Last year this week…
1. Christian beat Funaki with the Unprettier. What a great time to be a born-again Christian!
2. Lance Storm and Bill “Hugh Morrus” DeMott went to a double count out.
3. Godfather beat Big Valbowski by using the pimpin’ cane.

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
Happy 43rd Anniversary to the two people that mean more to me than any others on this planet, George W. Brower III & Frances Brower. Words cannot express all that I owe you and all that I’ve learned from you. “Love” isn’t strong enough.

HIPPITY-HOPPIN’ AWAY
Happy Easter to those of you that celebrate it and, dude, Happy Sunday to the rest.