411’s WWE Velocity Report 05.10.03

PART ONE OF TWO
This promises to be quite a long night. After giving you 100% here on Velocity, I then get to do it again for the four of you that read Confidential. Actually I take that back. I’ll bet more people read about Confidential because it’s quite honestly a better show. And usually a better read, although not this week.

VELOCITY #51
Their boundless excitement not withstanding, your hosts for the evening, aside from me, of course, are Josh “Tough Enough 1” Mathews and Ernest “The Cat” Miller. Join our androgynous train of fun, won’t you?

MATCH #1: CRASH VERSION 0.5 (w/ SHANNON MOORE) v. CHAVO GUERRERO JR.
Referee: Mike Chioda
Crash’s new opening is pretty funny. It mimics Matt’s with a loading computer screen graphic, but it craps out at 30% and flashes “system failure” on the screen.

They dance around, circling each other. Lock up. Back and forth pushing. Arm drag by Chavo. Chavo kicks at Shannon thru the ropes. They circle and tie up again, collar and elbow style. Another arm drag by Chavo, followed by a hip toss. Again Chavo kicks at Shannon. Lock up again. Waist lock by Chavo. Reversal by Crash. Comcast breaks in with a tornado warning so I miss the next twenty of seconds, sorry. When the picture resumes, Chavo is standing over Crash. The end. No, just kidding. They trade punches at the ropes. Shannon climbs on the apron. Whip by Chavo. Reversed by Crash, sending Chavo towards Shannon. Chavo baseball slides under Shannon out of the ring. Chavo pulls Shannon off the apron. As Chavo climbs back up, Crash shoulder blocks him off the apron to the guardrail. Crash distracts Chioda so Shannon rams Chavo into the apron and rolls him back in. Crash covers but Chavo grabs the ropes. Stomps and pounding on the back by Crash. Knee to the back by Crash. Snap mare by Crash into a rear chin lock. Chavo works to his feet and elbows out. Chavo hits the ropes but Crash comes back with a tilt-a-whirl back breaker and a cover for two. Bottom rope choke by Crash. Back suplex by Crash and another cover for two. An immediate other cover by Crash, complete with a leg grapevine this time, but Chavo still kicks out. A roll-up cover by Crash for a third two count in a row. Standing back breaker by Crash and he holds the position, stretching Chavo’s weakened back across his knee. Crash’s knee; not Chavo’s. That’s be impossible to stretch Chavo’s back across his own knee. Unless you had a large saw. Uh, never mind. Chavo eventually knees Crash in the head a few times to escape. Double axe handle by Crash. Version One suplex by Crash, which is a normal vertical suplex preceded by the “V1” hand sign. Crash walks across Chavo to get to the ropes. Crash jumps off the top rope. Chavo gets a foot up but Crash catches it. Crash rolls Chavo to his feet and whips him to the corner. Boots to the gut from Chavo. European uppercuts in the corner from Chavo. Shannon grabs at Chavo’s legs. Reversed whip and a drop kick from Chavo. Back body drop by Chavo. Clothesline by Chavo. Duck under whip by Chavo into a baseball slide. Chavo holds Crash’s arm, into a pump handle suplex. 2-count on Crash. Eye poke by Crash. Shannon climbs onto the apron, gives Crash the hardcover “Exist 2 Inspire” and distracts Chioda. Crash swings the book but Chioda sees it and takes it away. Chavo shoulder blocks Crash into Shannon and lifts Crash into the Gory Special. From there the Gory Bomb and the pin.

WINNER: Chavo Guerrero Jr. (6:32)
Chavo grabs his Olympic Gold Medal and heads to the back.

Still To Come: Mr. America
Up Next: The FBI and a forklift

Experience SmackDown Live near you. SmackDown Dead far away is much harder to sit through.
Trish Stratus hosts Slammin’ Saturday Night next week.

Burn of the Night: Big Show dropping Rey on his head at Backlash. Stupid, fat butterfingers, and I don’t mean the candy bar, Show, so stop drooling!

REACP (from Brad Jennette’s SmackDown Report): Backstage, the FBI go into Brock’s dressing room and get him to chase them into an empty dressing room where they lock him inside with a forklift. Thus the main event is changed to Big Show vs Chris Benoit.

Still To Come: Sable & Torrie and a lot of exposed flesh. Mine.

Tonight on Confidential: Liz ‘n Lex and how it all went so wrong.

Velocity is brought to us by: Matrix Reloaded, Stacker 2 and 1-800-CALL-ATT

MATCH #2: CHUCK PALUMBO & JOHNNY STAMBOLI (w/ NUNZIO) v. MIKE HUGHES & MARK BARTOLUCCI
Referee: Jimmy Kordaris
Hughes is in a Diesel-esque outfit and Bartolucci has light blue tights with lightening bolts on them.

Hughes and Stamboli start. They lock up. Stamboli forces Hughes to the corner and pounds him down. Whip by Stamboli. He tries to follow it up with a knee lift but Hughes grabs the knee into a roll up for a near fall. Back elbow by Stamboli followed by a headlock. Hughes punches his way out and sends Stamboli to the ropes. Stamboli returns with a shoulder block. Stamboli hits the ropes and catches Hughes in a power slam. Stamboli throws Hughes to his own corner, allowing him to make the tag. Bartolucci comes in. So does Palumbo. Palumbo jaws with Kordaris, ignoring Bartolucci. They finally lock up and Palumbo shoves Bartolucci off. Head scissors by Bartolucci. Oklahoma roll by Bartolucci for a two count. Bartolucci throws a kick but Palumbo catches it and throws a still clothesline. Palumbo picks Bartolucci up and runs him into the corner. Three battering rams by Palumbo followed by punches. Palumbo distracts Kordaris allowing Nunzio and Stamboli to work Bartolucci over in the corner. Hughes tries to come in but Kordaris keeps him out. Palumbo joins in the stomping on Bartolucci and tags in Stamboli. More stomping by Stamboli. Stamboli tags Palumbo back in. Stamboli whips Bartolucci to the ropes and hits him with a body punch on his return. Palumbo follows it up with a kick to the head. 2-count on Bartolucci. Palumbo knocks Hughes off the apron, preventing the tag. Palumbo throws Bartolucci out of the ring and again distracts Kordaris. Much more stomping on Bartolucci by Stamboli and Nunzio. Nunzio rolls him back in. Another 2-count on Bartolucci. Bartolucci makes a mad crawl thru Palumbo’s legs for the tag. Hughes ducks a clothesline and punches Stamboli. Hughes punches Palumbo. Clothesline on Stamboli. Knee lift on Palumbo. Another clothesline on Stamboli. Palumbo clubs Hughes in to back, ending his momentum. Tag team whip to the corner by the FBI. Hughes charges back and ducks a clothesline by both men. Bartolucci hits a double clothesline from the top rope. Hughes superkicks Palumbo. Bartolucci drop kicks Stamboli. Nunzio grabs both Palumbo and Stamboli by the cheek and yells at them. They charge back in the ring and both hit a double leg takedown on each opponent. Samoan drop on Bartolucci by Palumbo. Stamboli pounds on Hughes. Nunzio distracts Kordaris as Stamboli press slams Hughes. Double team hip toss into a slam by the FBI on Hughes. Palumbo makes the cover for the pin.

WINNERS: The F.B.I. (4:44)

After the pin, Chuck superkicks Bartolucci and Stamboli hits the Kiss Of Death.

Up Next: Sable & Torrie

Divas 2003: Desert Heat is available now. Or is it Dessert Heat? Gimmie a spoon, I hunger.

REACP (from Scott Keith’s SmarkDown Rant): Dawn Marie v. Torrie Wilson. Dawn takes her down and they roll around for a while, and the ref cops a feel on Torrie, but she comes back with a sunset flip on Dawn for the pin at 0:45. Uh, yeah. DUD Sable challenges her to a bikini contest at the PPV, whenever it is (next week?). Well, we’ve already seen both of them naked, so really I’m not sure what the appeal would be.

Up Next: Hogan hates Mr. America. Mr. America hates commies. Thus, Vince is a commie. Pinko!

Monday on RAW: Goldberg v. Christian in a cage. Monday in Chicago: W. Dal, Eric S. and I all skip RAW and do something productive with our time, like banging our heads against the wall.

WWE the 2003 Yearbook is available now. Let’s buy it and find out what happens for the rest of the year so none of us have to watch any more.

REACP (from Brad Jennette’s SmackDown Report): Mr. America comes out and poses for a LONG time. He again tells us is isn’t Hogan. He tells us he is actually a 160-pound accountant from New Jersey who saw Wrestlemania and decided he wanted to be just like Hogan. Vince comes out and calls Steph out also. They both get into the ring and Vince throws his jacket as Mr. America and lowblows him. Vince goes for the mask but Mr. America pushes him backwards into Steph. Mr. America takes Vince out with two right hands and carries Steph to the back.

The difference between triumph and tragedy is unconsciousness. So says a Judgment Day promo.
Monday on RAW: Goldberg v. Christian in a cage. What did that poor cage ever do to deserve this? And where’s Scott Hall and his taser when you need him? I’ll go check the hotel bar.

Slam of the Week: Spanky swiping Cena’s chain and inadvertently chucking it into the crowd.

MATCH #3: SEAN O’HAIRE v. FUNAKI
Referee: Mike Sparks

O’Haire charges right at Funaki, but Funaki evades him. Funaki ducks a clothesline and hits quick punches to the face. O’Haire shakes them off and misses another clothesline. More punches by Funaki. O’Haire picks Funaki up and hurls him into the corner. Punches by O’Haire. O’Haire stands menacingly over Funaki. Irish whip across the ring by O’Haire. Funaki rolls under a clothesline and ducks a spinning heel kick. A Funaki drop kick barley staggers O’Haire. Funaki hits another drop kick, this time to O’Haire’s knee. Enziguri by Funaki. Funaki covers. Huge kick out by O’Haire. High knee by Funaki. Funaki goes to the ropes but O’Haire responds with a stiff kick to the head. Again, O’Haire stands over Funaki and growls. Funaki uses O’Haire to pull himself up. Snap mare by O’Haire and a cover for a 2-count. Kick to the back by O’Haire. Head twist by O’Haire but Funaki doesn’t submit. Another kick to the back by O’Haire. Back to the head twist. Funaki punches out and heads to the ropes. Back elbow by O’Haire. Running kick to the chest by O’Haire. Funaki rolls out of the ring. O’Haire hops out and rolls Funaki back in. O’Haire hoists Funaki up to his shoulders and charges at the ring post. Funaki hits a reverse DDT from O’Haire’s shoulders. Nice. O’Haire throws Funaki to the corner and charges. Funaki ducks and rolls O’Haire up for a 2-count. Funaki ducks a clothesline and hits a tornado DDT. Ironic as I’m writing this in the midst of a tornado warning here in Chicago. 2-count on O’Haire. Funaki climbs the ropes. Funaki goes for a cross body but O’Haire catches him, hoists him up onto his shoulders and hits The Prophecy for the pin.

WINNER: Sean O’Haire, but I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. (4:01)

The show’s over but the WWE SATURDAY FULL-NIGHT EVENT is just warming up!

-360 JAKKED
Last year this week…
1. Big Valbowski beat Albert with a sunset flip
2. Chavo Geurrero beat Funkai with a brain buster
3. Faarooq beat Godfather with a roll-up, using the ropes
4. Billy Kidman beat Christian via DQ after a low blow
Let’s see… Big Valbowski is now Chief Morley and he’s currently “fired.” Albert is now A-Train and still boring to watch. Chavo is having the push of his career. Funaki, while SmackDown’s #1 announcer, is still pretty much in the same place. Faarooq retired but is now teamed up with Bradshaw again, just not in the ring. Godfather is mercifully gone, again. Kidman is recovering from a disastrous Shooting Star press and basking in the joy of having his girlfriend’s nude body ogled at by thousands of men, myself included. And Christian is getting a small push on RAW, if you count having to work with Goldberg as a good thing.

CONFIDENTIALLY YOURS
Now let us dip into the Confidential Mailbag! That’s right, for the first time ever there is a Confidential Mailbag section in a Velocity Report! Why? Why not? It’s worth it… read on.

First, it’s important to mention that we who write this wrestling related drivel on a weekly basis are actually fans and do so because we like to. We don’t do it to impress or amuse anyone other than ourselves and I believe that every writer here at 411 will back me up on that. If YOU like to read what we write, that’s a bonus, but we do it mainly to entertain us. However, this isn’t a vacuum and we will actually take suggestions and criticism when it’s thoughtfully provided. The following exchange between Confidential Reporter W. DAL BUSH and an avid Hardy Boyz “fan” is not an example of thoughtful criticism. Absolutely no editing was done to any of their emails. WARNING: profanity ensues.

HARDY FAN
i think u r an asshole and a stupid sone of a bitch Alot of people like the hardy boyz because of there talent..i went there and got my book signed..that dosen’t mean i am gay i think u r a fuckin shit faced,cocksucking muther fucker u fag.all im sayin is that u shouldn’t write shit that isn’t right and anyway jeff and trish are fine together u dick-lickin prick

W. DAL
Thanks for reading. I’d ask why you (despite criticizing me for implying homosexual teenage boys like the Hardy Boyz) only use oral sex on a guy as an insult, but I’m too damn proud to see the remedial English classes are paying off. That special school was worth every dollar, champ.

HARDY FAN
fuck you u stupid futher fuckin cock suckin dick wad
u r a big piece of shit u stupid fag

HARDY FAN
u r a bitch shit face

No, you just can’t buy praise such as that!

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS GOING ON?
Can’t get enough of me, can ya? I don’t blame you. Go check out this week’s Confidential Report for your second dose and the second half of this WWE SATURDAY FULL-NIGHT EVENT! You love it, you know you do!

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
Happy 35th Birthday to John T. Connolly Jr. and congratulations on John III. And Happy 26th to MATT STREETS. Also, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all you Velocity-watching Mothers out there!

END OF PART ONE
The Road to Judgment Day continues, pot holes, gimmick matches and all, next week. Confidential continues… right…now!