The Furious Flashbacks – WEW Queen Ho of the Ring

The Furious Flashbacks – WEW Queen Ho of the Ring

It amazes me that they can segue from a Goodfellas tribute to a female Brian Lee rip-off but hey this company follows no wrestling law

There was a comment on the last column from a visitor named LBM who said that, and this did fill me with horror that…

“I think you’re really getting into the swing of these now and the critical jabs & jokes are dead-on”

Firstly thanks for the support. Secondly; you cruel bastard. I don’t know what’s wrong with me exactly but I’ve always been drawn towards two diametrically opposed things in wrestling. 1. Exciting new styles, companies and great, hard-hitting action. 2. Retarded booking, bad wrestling and the worst promotions in the world. For some reason I enjoy watching bad wrestling almost as much as I enjoy watching good wrestling. Is there something wrong with me? I reviewed almost every WCW show I could get my hands on, especially when it got really bad. I reviewed a bunch of XPW shows. TNA inevitably followed and I’ve done shows by various Indy companies that don’t know what they’re doing (no offence to the Indy companies I’ve reviewed that were really good). But is WEW the worst wrestling promotion I’ve ever seen? In a word; no. XPW booked far worse stuff than this. And WEW is under no illusion as to what they’re doing. Whenever a gimmick appears it’s a total rip-off. The porn segments show exactly what they think of women’s wrestling. They’re not trying to con anyone. If you buy a show called “Queen Ho of the Ring” you’re not buying it for Flair-Steamboat but with women. You’re buying it for tits and you’re getting tits. I’m watching it for bad wrestling but that’s because I’m wrong in the head. I’m watching this so you don’t have to.

We’re in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania at the old ECW Arena. Hosts are Eric Gargiulo & Jeffrey James.

The aim of tonight’s show is to crown a first ever champion. I already know the outcome because the match appeared on “Nude World Order”. Oddly enough its clipped both times but the version on this DVD clips all the interesting parts out.

BACKSTAGE Keri Windsor auditions a girl called “Jenny” for the PWO. (After a little research I think its Jenny M but I’m probably wrong. I was just looking for a blonde porn star called Jenny). I’d have thought hiring wrestlers would have been of paramount importance but Keri is more interested in boobs. Hey, many military campaigns have gone south for the exact same reason. Like when Adolf Hitler got distracted by Eva Braun’s boobies in 1944.

Gargiulo tells us the rules of the Queen Ho of the Ring match, which is basically the Royal Rumble with the additional regulation that if you lose your top you’re eliminated.

Barroom Barbie/Nice Guy Carmine w/Nice Guys Inc v Tai Killer Weed/”Dirty Deeds” Darren Wise

I have to laugh at WEW’s website, which gets the participants wrong pairing Barbie with Wise and Tai with Carmine. Wasn’t the “Nice Guy” bit enough of a giveaway? Or is the guy who does the website just into porn and writes what’s he’s damn well told. It’d explain how come he never spells Candi/ie/y the same way twice.

Carmine is one of Nice Guys Inc. Wise is Tai’s dealer but Gargiulo hates him claiming he just shows up places looking to get work like an asshole. And he’s the babyface! Tai now has a horrible hairstyle, which makes her look like Bo Derek in 10 only not hot. The ladies wrestling in this are hideous. Who can’t do a headlock takeover? The guys build some table structure while they’re fucking around and Wise climbs onto two stacked tables and falls off. James calls it “the worst thing since 9/11”. That’s how bad that spot was. Tai takes her top off and legdrops Carmine, who did nothing in the whole match, for the win. DUD.

POST MATCH Psycho Bitch, a stripper called Missy and Paul Heyman come out here. Oh wait, it’s a rib on Paul Heyman (and probably Missy Hyatt) as he passes a few bad cheques. This one is “Bald E. Dangerously”. Oh, I see what they did there because Paul Heyman doesn’t have any hair. I don’t think these guys have the same writers as The Daily Show. “Bald E” bought Psycho Bitch’s contract, which is why she missed the last match. Yeah, ribbing on Heyman was actually done before…by ECW when Heyman was there. Remember Lou E?

I’m trying to get my head around that last segment. So this Bald E guy buys out the contracts of Psycho Bitch and Missy the Schoolgirl (no relation to Brittney the Schoolgirl, they just have a hard time thinking of gimmicks that don’t cost much money and Brittney has been fired). From who? WEW? Did Tai have Psycho Bitch’s contract maybe? Why did she sell it? Besides last time I saw Tai she was in the PWO’s limo so Psycho Bitch has every right to turn her back on her. All of this is dumb seeing as Tai & Psycho Bitch are pretty much the only tag team in the company. At least try and let stuff get over before breaking it all up and trying something else. Or yanno, fuck it, let’s just change everything from one show to another so people don’t get into the characters because they change every other fucking week. Checking out the forthcoming cards makes very little sense either as they just seem thrown together. Feuds don’t seem to go anywhere in this company. Not only does this not pay off but they eventually just team them up again.

Lady Soulkeeper v Persephone

Given WEW’s poor record of hires I’m not too optimistic here. Persephone kinda reminds me of Sandra Bernhard. And she’s the looker in this one! So naturally the crowd don’t care. Soulkeeper is a somewhat large woman who thinks she’s the fuckin’ Undertaker or something. She even does the zombie sit-up. Eesh. The spots are horribly contrived and the crowd hates this. They even try some Eddy-Malenko reversals and they absolutely suck. James starts getting comically bad with calls, which may be deliberate I don’t know, and Gargiulo chides him for every mistake. Persephone wins with an implant DDT. ¼*. The commentators make fun of the ring announcer and its more entertaining than anything that happened in the match.

OUTSIDE The Smoke heads out to cut off the PWO (keep that in mind as he’s nowhere to be seen later as they run in during the main event…again). Shame they did this in an underpass where all you can hear is CARS driving over the audio. The Smoke tells the PWO to fuck off and like a dominant heel gang they… just leave without saying a word. Nice Guys Inc reveal themselves to be PWO, which makes them a couple of pussies.

BACKSTAGE Amanda Storm calls Candi a “guinea anorexic cunt”. Oh, I wish her promos ran between every match like they did on the last show. She threatens to rape Candi and make her “have my undead children”. Genius!

ELSEWHERE Candi calls Amanda out as being a gender bending weirdo.

Amanda Storm v Candi

I really want Amanda to win so I can get another promo about her ripping someone’s tits off. Candi is announced as being a reality TV star but I have no idea what show she was on. America’s Dumbest Strippers? Nothing Candi brings means anything because Amanda Storm is BATSHIT MENTAL. She has ring attire that makes her look like Alex Shelley crossed with Conan the Barbarian. Candi doesn’t really do anything so Amanda just does all manner of spots around her. At one point throwing herself into the crowd and then aiming gobs of phlegm at people who shout abuse at her. Hey, I’d stop shouting at her but that’s just me. When wrestlers bring their body fluids into play you run for the hills. There’s too many diseases in that locker room. Tara runs out to distract and Amanda Storm gets the pin using the ropes for good measure. *1/4. Storm is becoming the MVP of this company one match at a time. She carries Tara off to celebrate as we get speculation they may start to team up. Hey, more Amanda Storm is ok by me. Never thought I’d be saying that but hey, sometimes promos can make a character.

BACKSTAGE Nice Guys Inc come back into the building through the kitchen and I’m suddenly aware that I’m watching a Goodfellas tribute shot. I don’t know if I love that…or hate it. Either way they let the PWO in.

ELSEWHERE Alexis Laree goes on a meet and greet with the guys backstage only for her “sister” Valentina to get fucked over into carrying the bags and shit. Alexis is Bret to Valentina’s Owen Hart.

ELSEWHERE some fat bitch (hey, she called herself that) swears at the camera. I didn’t catch her name but its Amy Lee. Not, I repeat not, the lead singer of Evanescence. You really couldn’t get the two confused.

Valentina Laree v Alexis Laree

So Valentina has officially turned heel after being a babyface on the last show and the whole angle she had with the Sound Guy has been dumped in favour of her being Mickey James’ little sister. She’s a few Slammies short of the full-on Owen but apart from that she’s got it down. You may know her as Cheerleader Valentina in TNA or Lizzy Valentine in Wrestling Society X but here she’s younger and sweeter but she makes a great heel. They run some confused mat wrestling into a pin, which Gargiulo calls “a retarded schoolgirl”. Alexis runs through every roll up variety she knows in an attempt to just pin Valentina rather than wrestle her, which I like because she’s convinced she can beat Valentina without trying. Valentina’s spoiled act works but it’s a shame she made it quite so obvious. This is lacking in the subtlety that could have taken it to another level. They have a few miscommunication issues, which the savvy crowd spot. Normally they don’t care about fuck up’s because no one is trying to put on an actual wrestling match but here they ride them for it. BJ fucks up a 3-count and Valentina is too busy arguing before Alexis catches her with the inverted DDT for the win. *1/2. Sure, they fucked a bunch of stuff up but it was a good idea and the storyline is solid.

POST MATCH Alexis helps her sister up and gets a lariat for her troubles. See, if Valentina had come in with more subtlety that would have been shocking and made me need to see a re-match. As it is they quickly move on to something else and the chance is gone. Like tears in the rain.

BACKSTAGE the Mae’s cut a promo. Little Spike, sorry Little Davey Mae is wrestling another chick tonight: Amy Lee.

POST…nothing. Missy the Schoolgirl comes out here to strip but the referee tells her to get out of the ring because he doesn’t like shenanigans. Or boobies. Why do all the men in this company hate pretty girls? I just don’t understand it AT ALL. He’s, not so subtly, named Marco Flamer. Yanno, because he’s a queer. Stop to think about this for a minute. Why is there a male referee in a women’s wrestling company? They’ve not needed one before. Why is Missy coming out here? Where is her back-up? I thought she was in the New New New Dangerous Alliance. They’ve probably forgotten about that angle already and it was only 30 minutes ago.

“Prime Time” Amy Lee v Lil Davey Mae

Lee has the same gimmick is Brian Lee and even the same nickname showing WEW are quite fond of ECW. Lee has better crowd interaction than anyone else in the company, bar the naked ladies. This rather begs the question; why is she debuting against a heel? I guess they just don’t have that many babyfaces. But come on; who books two heels against each other? Two heels who the crowd hate even. The crowd decide to do booking 101 for WEW and chant “PWO” as the match progresses. You’ve got something over and you’ve got an opportunity to showcase it and what do you do? Boring squash match. Lee just beats Lil Davey up and not even in interesting ways. Davey comes back with the Little Spike offence but its less thrilling against a woman than against a giant like in ECW. Papa lays Lee out with a chair, an Avalanche and the Stinkface. The latter of which Lee eventually manages to drag Davey in the way of. Say, a hugely convoluted and stupid spot? This must be WEW! Davey takes a eye full of a stink and a powerbomb for the loss. ¼*. Actually better than some of the other matches due to the competence of the competitors BUT the booking sucked and no one got over.

BACKSTAGE Amanda Storm says she’s going to rape everyone in the ring later, give them all STD’s and then spread disease throughout the world as the champion. HAHA, awesome.

ELSEWHERE Alexis Laree cuts a more conventional promo about being too good to not win the title battle royal.

New Orleans Mardi Gras match: Tara w/The Mae’s v Sinnamin

Quick sidenote here; why are the Mae’s out with Tara? They have nothing in common, have never been associated before and Tara has already helped out Amanda Storm tonight thus suggesting that logically she repay the favour here. The only reason Papa Mae is out here is so they can do a bullshit finish. Its like this was booked on EWR by a 10 year old.

The rules of a New Orleans Mardi Gras match is that whoever loses has to get her tits out. Those are stipulations any red-blooded man can get behind. Its like that Ultimate Surrender website where the winner fucks the loser. I know you’ve all been there. Don’t go pretending you’ve not. Sinnamin ANGERS me by going up top, then deciding Papa Mae is too far away for a dive, and switches corners all while Mae stands there looking at her. Just fucking jump. Papa hops, well wobbles, into the ring as there are no DQ’s in this company and Sinnamin pins him. -**. So you book a match where the loser gets their tits out and then bait and switch? Keep in mind Tai got her tits out earlier for no reason. Plus how can you beat someone by pinning their manager? Incidentally I think Sinnamin may have never seen a wrestling match in her whole life and when you look like a shitty wrestler in this company then you really suck balls.

BACKSTAGE Goth heel Trinity (not the one you’re thinking of) cuts a promo. Her opponent Talia cuts an even worse one.

Trinity v Talia

Trinity has a fine look. There’s nothing wrong with being a Goth but Valentina turned heel on Trinity during the last show and she’s still heel. Or am I not supposed to remember the last show? Anyway, she looks like a chubby Lita. Talia looks woefully unprepared for this and looks totally out of her depth. Occasionally she remembers something from her training and Trinity shuts it down. “No, we’re not doing that spot”. Then Talia slaps on a Boston crab and Trinity taps?!? O…K. DUD.

GI Ho v Kristy Kiss

Tara Titanium is a no-show resulting in a swiftly re-arranged bout featuring GI Ho. Can’t we just skip it? Gargiulo suggests Tara’s been fired too. I like GI Ho’s enthusiasm and all but she’s really not a good wrestler and Kristy Kiss isn’t the person to carry her. Kristy decides to make it a garbage match, which suits both of them. Kristy controls the pace so GI Ho isn’t exposed. Well no more than usual. They tease an evil spot on the stage and don’t do it. GI Ho has a lot of crowd support based on her keenness and her cute ass. They brawl to the back and Nice Guys Inc arrive to tie GI Ho up in the ring. And…then nothing happens. ¼*. Erm.

BACKSTAGE the PWO recruit Kristy Kiss in much the same manner as people get recruited by the CIA; HARDCORE SEX! Or so I’m lead to believe.

WEW title Battle Royal

Dawn Mae & GI Ho start because GI Ho is still out there tied to a chair. Tai Killer Weed is #3 briefly causing a babyface union. #4 is Psycho Bitch who, as a freshly turned heel, goes after the heel Dawn Mae…duh. She clotheslines Tai just to confirm that their team is over. #5 is Lady Storm. This match is even worse than the standard battle royal as people just stand around doing nothing the whole time. Tai stops off to eat some snacks because she has a severe case of the munchies. #6 is the other Mae sister. #7 is Alexis Laree. Her scrapping with GI Ho is actually pretty good. For WEW anyway. #8 is Valentina who goes right after Alexis. Ring is sure getting crowded. Why not just throw some people out? #9 is Trinity the Jobber. #10 is Sinnamin. Way too crowded now. #11 is Tara. Its so crowded that no one can even take a bump without falling on someone else. Its dangerous. Like a mosh pit. #12 is Candi. Everyone is at least doing their feuds out there; Tai/Psycho Bitch, Alexis/Valentina, Tara/Candi. #13 is Barroom Barbie. #14 is Amanda Storm. STILL no eliminations. Its actually past the point where its too congested to do anything, which shows this company has no idea how to run a gimmick. Oh, and finally Tai Weed is thrown out. #15 is Amy Lee. Barbie is out and so are the lights, courtesy of a massive CLIP in the match where we skip over all the eliminations and just cut right ahead to the end of the match. Which means the PWO is here. The ladies all bail out and Kristy Kiss is with the PWO and the commentators finally realise what’s going on. Even though all the viewers at home saw all this by WATCHING THE PPV. Didn’t they bother to put monitors in front of them this time? I seem to remember Gargiulo commenting on backstage stuff beforehand. Marco Flamer runs out here and Kristy Kiss wins the battle royal via pinfall. HAHAHA. You have to hand it to WEW; they book stuff that even WCW wouldn’t think of doing because its so dumb. -***. Even without the stupidity of post-production where all the interesting stuff is clipped this match would be abysmal. Depressing, even. The company blatantly doesn’t care about anything beyond getting this stupid fucking PWO storyline over even if its only purpose is to expose ladies bits on their shows. Why does it have to dominate the main event scene? Why not let the WRESTLERS do that part? Are they THAT obsessed with doing the New World Order angle? Is it THAT important? Whatever motherfuckers, its your promotion.

The 411: Like you need to ask. Show sucked. I can’t get my head around some of the booking or post-production decisions on this show. Or the direction of the company. Or why I’ve now sat through, what, four WEW shows. I guess LBM said it best. Even if they are retarded you can get into any company and find stuff that entertains therein. I’ve gained a love of Amanda Storm’s ridiculous and OTT promos for example that I’d never have known without these wonderfully crappy DVD’s.

Final Score:  2.0   [ Very Bad ]