The Smackdown Breakdown 12.09.04

Smackdown — 12/9/04

From Greenville, SC.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.

We cold open with John Bradshaw Layfield and his Cabinet getting booed out of the building. He runs down former WWE champions and declares no one has ever had it as rough as he does. He has to walk uphill to the arena, with no shoes, in the snow. He complains that he doesn’t even have to be beat to lose the title. He blames Teddy Long (and affirmative action) for his troubles. Unfortunately, he makes the mistake of mentioning the Undertaker’s name. Undertaker appears and clears the ring, what with it only being four-on-one and all. (Okay, to be honest, Bradshaw and Orlando Jordan bailed willingly to leave the Bashams to fend for themselves).

7-Man Cruiserweight Battle Royal.

Haven’t seen some of these guys in a while. Akio busts out his Tiger Wall Flip and eliminates Nunzio with a high kick. Chavo goes after Kidman, of course. There’s a completely wasted feud. Paul London blocks another Tiger Wall Flip and gets eliminated by Kidman. See ya later, Janetty. Funaki crotches Akio on the top rope, and Shannon Moore dropkicks him out. Funaki backdrops Moore out. Chavo Gory Bombs Kidman onto the top rope. Funaki sees them struggling against the ropes, so he pushes them both over. *

DRAMA! MISS JACKIE~! begs Charlie Haas not to go out there a face Jesus. But he has to — it’s the code. Just like “High Noon.”

Mike Mizanin offers to show the other TE4 finalists a view of his reality.

Street Fight: Jesus vs. Charlie Haas.

Carlito spits in the face of Charles Robinson, who doesn’t like to be cool. Charlie jumps Jesus off the bat and is about to hit him with a chairshot. Carlito drags Dawn Marie down the aisle to distract him while Jesus BLASTS Charlie with Cena’s chain. Robinson throws the match out because Cena is unable to continue. No match. Jackie runs down to help her man and gets involved in a staredown with Dawn Marie.

Justice Smith gets all up in our area. He’s in it to win it like Yzerman.

Joy Giovanni is accosted by Luther Reigns who offers threats for the Big Show.

JBL confronts Teddy Long about the unfairness of the match. Long bans JBL’s Cabinet as a result. The Bashams inform JBL that he’s tires have been stolen. Well, it’s either Eddy or Booker because the car had to be elevated in order to steal the tires. Of course, we know the Undertaker is going to elevate anything. Turns out it’s Eddy. He likens the theft of JBL’s tires to the theft of Eddy’s title belt. JBL is not happy.

Daniel Puder says he would prefer to beat Justice, but he’ll take out Miz too.

We join Torrie Wilson on a photo shoot. Michelle delivers some flowers to her from Kenzo Suzuki. Torrie calls Kenzo a jerk, triggering a brawl between she and Hiroko. Hiroko strips her down, but Torrie returns the favor. They run around in their underwear like some bad Benny Hill sketch. Kenzo Suzuki and Rene Dupree run down to help Hiroko, but Rob Van Dam and Rey Mysterio even things up. Teddy Long walks out and pushes up the Armageddon tag title match to…tonight!

WWE Tag Team Titles: Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree vs. Rob Van Dam & Rey Mysterio.

We return from commercial to Kenzo beating down Mysterio. Mysterio catches him with a headscissors. RVD slingshots in with a legdrop for two. Dupree tags in and rips off the Flair Flop for a little heel heat. Van Dam springboards into a kick. He sunset flips Dupree, and Rey vertical splashes him. Rey springboards into a splash on Dupree’s arm. Dupree misses a charge. Rey comes off the top with a rana and Broncobusters him. RVD hits him with a split-legged moonsault, but Suzuki makes the save. RVD and Mysterio hit 420, and RVD goes up for the Five Star. Kenzo sneaks in and crotches him on the top. Dupree dropkicks RVD all the way to the floor. Kenzo takes over with some pedestrian offense. Dupree tags in, and we get dueling French Ticklers. Van Dam makes Dupree pay with a dropkick. Kenzo cuts off the tag, though. Mysterio eventually does get the hot tag and drop toeholds Kenzo into the bottom turnbuckle. He dropkicks Dupree off the apron and DDTs Kenzo. Van Dam backdrops Mysterio onto Suzuki and hits Rolling Thunder. ONE, TWO, TH-Dupree makes the save. RVD takes Dupree out of the equation with a kick, but Hiroko runs in and puts Dupree on top of Mysterio. ONE, TWO, THR-Rey kicks out. Kenzo picks Rey up for a powerbomb, but Rey counters to a schoolboy for the win (with a little help from RVD). **1/2

Another Triple H-Blade:Trinity video package. This **punch** is **punch** for VAN WILDER!

Tough Enough IV: This week’s elimination…Justice Smith. Kind of predictable. In fact, exactly predictable, as I said that last week. This week, Puder and Mizanin will compete in a joust with giant Q-tip thingies.

2/3 Falls Joust, Mike Mizanin vs. Daniel Puder.

Hi, I’m Mike Adamle. Nitro looks in great shape. Puder wins in two straight falls. All of about a minute. Possibly the best joust I’ve ever seen on WWE TV. ***** But wait. It’s also the worst joust I’ve ever seen on WWE TV. O Ah screw it — no rating.

In the back, Booker T stretches out with Michelle the Smackdown trainer. In a game of clever one-upmanship, Booker has stolen JBL’s hat and cut a hole in it so that when Booker wears it, his dreads poke through the top.

“Darkness” looks like a pretty good movie, but with a generic title like that and a PG-13 rating, it’ll be D.O.A..

Kurt Angle Invitational.

Since we’re in South Carolina, this week’s hometown hero is…The Big Show! Luther Reigns intervenes and says that Big Show will have to go through…Mark Jindrak. Jindrak isn’t very happy about it. Show pulls Jindrak’s shirt over his head and chops him in the chest. Show dismantles Jindrak in between jawing with Kurt Angle. Jindrak comes back, targeting the knee of the Big Show. He runs into a big boot to cut that off, though. That draws in Angle and Reigns for the DQ. Angle hits him with a chairshot and then drops the ring steps onto Big Show’s back. 1/2*

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. I’m John Heidenreich. I’m Paul Heyman. All that and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 minutes. Actually, we’re in Heidenreich’s room at the sanitarium. Heyman tells him that he’s made arrangements to bring Heidenreich back to Smackdown. Heidenreich doesn’t want to go, though. People outside don’t like him. Bizarre segment, as we are actually treated to what the ticking clock sounds like inside Heidenreich’s head. That’s kind of like the convenient camera on the loader used to pin the Rock in 1999.

Handicap Tag: John Bradshaw Layfield, Orlando Jordan & The Bashams vs. The Undertaker, Eddy Guerrero & Booker T.

Huge brawl to start with JBL looking on. The faces toss the Cabinet to the outside. We return from commercial to Booker T dominating Danny Basham. Eddy tags in and gets two. Doug tags in, but Booker hiptosses him and delivers a thrust kick. Eddy comes in with a slingshot senton. The heels finally corner Eddy, and JBL goes to work on him. Eddy comes back with a headscissors on JBL. Danny tags in, but Eddy gets the Triple Verticals. Bradshaw hits Eddy with the Clothesline from Hell to stem the tide. The heels regain control. Danny applies a Full Nelson to Eddy. Big boot by Bradshaw as Cole notes that George W. Bush just named a Latino to his cabinet. Tazz rightly points out that has nothing to do with anything. Sleeper by Bradshaw. Eddy counters with a backdrop suplex. Bradshaw catches him off a springboard crossbody. Eddy counters to a DDT. Taker tags in and cleans house. Bradshaw grabs the title and swings at Eddy, but Eddy ducks and delivers a flying forearm. I’m surprised the announcers didn’t reference Tito Santana. Taker goes for a Tombstone, but Kif…uh, Orlando Jordan sacrifices himself to make the save. Chokeslam to OJ. Scissor kick to OJ. Frogsplash to OJ. Tombstone to OJ! ONE, TWO, THREE. The faces dare JBL to get his title back from them. **3/4

Final Thoughts: Nothing to write home about other than a title change heading into a rematch. There’s really not a lot going on in WWE Blue. The title scene is basically the same people who’ve been their for the last six months all piled in together. The Angle/Show feud has stretched on much longer than it needed to. And, not that I’m not happy for Funaki, but…Funaki?!

J.D. Dunn