The SmarK RAW Rant – December 17 / 2001

The SmarK RAW Rant – December 17, 2001

– First of all, I highly encourage you to check out the first single from Jeremy Botter’s band, Burst. It’s called “Perfect” and you can take a listen to the song at http://www.thesmarks.com/mp3/burst/perfect.mp3. It’s kind of an American Hi-Fi power-pop type of thing and I think it’s quite good for a first release. Jeremy is always looking for feedback and you can give it to him at [email protected]

– Now then, onto more serious matters, namely the problems of time travel and alien abduction. Now, those of you who frequent TheSmarks.com probably read my most recent Keith News Update (http://www.thesmarks.com/netcop/news/1215.asp) detailing a piece of mail I received from a German man who desperately needed time travel equipment to go back to his youth and avoid alien abduction and/or probing. Well, most of my readership was about as concerned for his well-being as I was, and some decided to treat the subject with all the respect and consideration warranted and message the guy. Here are three logs of conversations with “Robby0809” detailing just we’re dealing with here…

The first one is from someone named Mark, who is represented as “lodz316” here.

“Robby0809: I have personally been abducted and been through time travel.
go to: http://www.albielek.com/
and watch the realplayer movies of people who were actually involved with the Philadelphia experiment and Montauk project
which the government has been hiding from us like everything else.
lodz316: that’s all a crock of crap
Robby0809: whats is?
lodz316: that whole time travel thing
lodz316: that trailer to the movie was in 1984
lodz316: it’s 2001
lodz316: did the movie just seem to come into this time frame due to…time travel?
Robby0809: It is not imposable! I have personally been abducted and been through time travel, Why don’t you go to: http://www.albielek.com/
research the Philadelphia experiment and Montauk project
if people who were actualy involved in this project and see what the government has been hing from you
lodz316: good grammar
lodz316: i already went there
lodz316: second, you guys are just trying to get money right?
Robby0809: well I have baisc equitment not capible of temporal reversion, but which will work over a vortex and I have been through time so dont tell me!
lodz316: prove it to me
lodz316: if this is a big gov’t cover up, why is the site still up without the gov’t shutting them down?
Robby0809: I can only say that I axidently traveled to the year 2012, is that year we are going to have world war 3 there will be some very powerful nucluers and alien technolagy. we will be effected by the radition as a result they will
Robby0809: be using a vaccine to
Robby0809: make humans withstand it, as a result to that we will develope intennas
lodz316: you are…..12 yrs. old? accidentally= axidently
lodz316: antennas
lodz316: you know al bielek is reading off of cue cards
Robby0809: I feel very faint!!!!!!!! i can spell I just am dying because I am under attack by evil!!!!! now if your closed minded you will not get very far in life, bye
lodz316: wow aliens with computers hmmm
Robby0809: the entire univere is written in god code

That’s where we cut off.”

Someday I’m going to have a t-shirt made that says “The Entire Universe is Written in God Code”. But that’s beside the point.

Next up, “Michael X” messaged him, and got this fascinating conversation out of him…

“he was and here is the unedited convo. (im torn down walls)

Torn Down Walls: i have THE TECHNOLOGY!
Torn Down Walls: i will send you back in time!
Robby0809: hi, you can manage temporal reversion?
Torn Down Walls: yes, i’ve been able to that for a while now
Robby0809: here are basic time travelers who can use electro magnetic devices over vortexes to send back at present age to bump into other self, and then there are powerful people capiible of
doing temporal reversion
Robby0809: i need temporal reversion with full memory so that i can prevent my ruined cursed dying life
Torn Down Walls: how much are you willing to spend for it?
Torn Down Walls: it’s not very cheap
Robby0809: well considering my circumstacnes, and age, I’m 21 I am not a rich Boy. But $30,000 if you could prove that it will do exactly as I need
Torn Down Walls: ah i see. that is a fair price.
Robby0809: What method does your time travel equipment work off of? Example: I have what is called the hyper dimensional resonator which works by inducing electro magnetic fields around the body, and then you activate it over a live grid point or vortex to travel through time. However This device has very limited abilities and will not allow me to achieve the type of time travel needed
Robby0809: It will only allow me to go back at my present age and bump into my other self for a 6 hour time period. I’ve heard that the human DNA structure is not compatible with this type of time travel, and that it will cause gray hair, rapid aging and often mental problems associated with hallucinations
Robby0809: That is why I will not use it. How safe is your machine? Has it been used on humans before? I must go back to when I was 4 years old remembering everything I know now to prevent the terrible evil beings and people who have ruined my entire life from happening again.
Robby0809: I have heard that there could often be problems of having an adult amount of blood in a child’s body, or the stomach being expanded and needing an adult amount of food in a child’s body. Is this true or will absolutely everything be rewound to my exact identical self at 4 years old?
Robby0809: Including any broken bones and scars I have gotten over the years, blockage of arteries, dirty lungs, and things that have occurred on the inside as well? I have also heard that if you have a toxic liver or kidney they could rupture and explode through time. Is this true?

Robby0809: Could I erase my time line?

. When I rewind my life including my age, what will happen to the me in this universe as of right now? Will I suddenly be gone and have disappeared to everyone?

Robby0809: When I go back in time, how am I going to be able to get younger and not go back just how I am and bump into myself for the year of which I travel to?

Robby0809: When I rewind my life and am 4 again, will I have both the mind I have now and also the mind I had then, with the body I had then? Or would I strictly have the mind I had then but remember Everything I know now? It is a must that I have a clear memory of everything in such a way that when I go back I can write all the dates, tragedies, and everything down of
Robby0809: which are going to take place in my life so that I can successfully change them.
. Also very important. There are guardians of time, aliens, and government officials which can detect the device as soon as it is energized to try and stop you or come after you. Does your machine offer protection from this?
Torn Down Walls: yea, will smith comes with it.
Torn Down Walls: MEN IN BLACKKKKK
Torn Down Walls: THA MENN IN BLACKKKK
Robby0809 signed off at 9:13:00 PM.”

And finally, here’s an e-mail that Robby sent to another AOL user, which in turn got sent to me.

“Hello,

And Thank you for your reply.
Let me first start by saying I am being 100% honest with you and naturally have some questions.
Please, It is a must that you also be completely truthful and upfront with me on absolutely everything.
Are you human or alien? If alien which planet do you reside from? I’m well aware that there are some aliens of pure evil which would only want to cause me harm. What method does your time travel equipment work off of? Example: I have what is called the hyper dimensional resonator which works by inducing electro magnetic fields around the body, and then you activate it over a live grid point or vortex to travel through time. However This device has very limited abilities and will not allow me to achieve the type of time travel needed. It will only allow me to go back at my present age and bump into my other self for a 6 hour time period. I’ve heard that the human DNA structure is not compatible with this type of time travel, and that it will cause gray hair, rapid aging and often mental problems associated with hallucinations. That is why I will not use it. How safe is your machine? Has it been used on humans before? I must go back to when I was 4 years old remembering everything I know now to prevent
. Could I erase my time line?

. When I rewind my life including my age, what will happen to the me in this universe as of right now? Will I suddenly be gone and have disappeared to everyone?

. When I go back in time, how am I going to be able to get younger and not go back just how I am and bump into myself for the year of which I travel to?

. When I rewind my life and am 4 again, will I have both the mind I have now and also the mind I had then, with the body I had then? Or would I strictly have the mind I had then but remember Everything I know now? It is a must that I have a clear memory of everything in such a way that when I go back I can write all the dates, tragedies, and everything down of which are going to take place in my life so that I can successfully change them.
. Also very important. There are guardians of time, aliens, and government officials which can detect the device as soon as it is energized to try and stop you or come after you. Does your machine offer protection from this?

(When do you require this?)
If possible in the next week would be good.

(Where are you?)
I am located in Massachusetts.

(How can we reach you?)
I do not feel comfortable giving out my phone # or location just yet. I have a spoofed Internet connection. Is it possible you could talk through netmeeting? Do you have a microphone?

(Where and when are you going back to?)
October 7th 1984. On that day I am pretty sure I was here in my home. That is where I want to go back to.

(And do you have any experience in this?)
I have been researching time travel and aliens for much time now.

Here is a brief description of my life:

My whole life I have put my faith and trust in god, praying every day and every night. Watching all those religious shows on tv and praying. Donating money to charitys trying to do and be as good I can and One bad weird thing right after another would always happen! It is like he hates me!! I believe this because for the last 4 Easters in a row somthing terrible has happened to me. One easter I was realy sick, the next easter I was deadly sick from a poisonous spider bite, The easter after that I was in the hospital on Easter with a broken jaw in 3 places. And on or around this past Easter I have gotten a new mysterious disease which is now killing me! It is funny how god helps some good people and not others! I will continue to pray and have faith, but my whole life he has let me down so far!

It all started out with this woman my dad dated when I was only 9 who drugged and poisoned me, once even used another poison in my school lunch, which made me suddenly, start crying for 2 hours straight after eating it. She was into black magic. I and also my mom made my dad break up with her after about a year. She was furious at me for arguing with my dad all the time about everything, which she told me she was doing to me. He never believed me about her or what she did, or the side effects I had from her poisonings. I am 21 now, and since then my life has been obviously completely tampered with. I did not learn that she was also into witchcraft until years after she was gone, but I have since had out of this world weird things happen, bad luck. Everything I come close to seceding at suddenly turn around for the worst. All my dreams AND HOPES ONLY AVAILABLE in my past destroyed. Many weird unexplained health problems, coming on from nowhere. Which have gotten so bad today I have to fight to stay alive, an Strangely Just 3 month before this woman even dated my dad and came around there was this catering truck guy when I was 8 who gave my friend and me a free hotdog. He was laughing as he handed me mine. Just 1 minute after eating half of that hotdog tears started pouring down my eyes. And this sicko catering truck man was laughing his brains out even harder. He obviously must have used the same drug this woman my dad dated once used on my school lunch in addition to whatever else she was putting in my food every night at supper that my dad forced me to eat.

I know time travel is possible and the technology exist out there because when I was 16 I had a 6 hour missing time experience back to the past when there were UFOs in the sky, It went from morning to back to midnight at a quick flash of light which sounded like a camera click. I’m sure you aliens know exactly as to the experience I am talking about.

And finally I don’t know if this is posable to change seeing I was just born at the time, but as an infant I was one of the millions of babies who was effected by the vaccine they inject into you. It effected my speech development, communication skills, quick thinking, gave me ear infections, constipation, and other health problems over the years. Our lousy government makes everybody believe it is safe and to protect you against diseases
when infact the only way to be healthy is to have a strong imune system by eating only: vegetables fruits, nuts, grains, and seeds. No meat dairy, sugar which has bone whitener, gelitin, or any diseased animals products because of the horrible human pratice they do on animals that the governmemnt is covering up.

Please answer my questions on time travel above and how you can help me. I really need your help please!

Thanks
Robby”

So there you go. If that doesn’t put you in the right frame of mind for reading a RAW recap, then I don’t know what will.

– Live from Lafayette, LA.

– Your hosts are JR & The King.

– Opening match, Hardcore title: The Undertaker v. Jeff Hardy. Another immediate face pop for Undertaker. They’ve gotta get rid of the entrace to deprogram the sheep from going “Baa” whenever he comes out on that motorcycle. He attacks and kicks the shit out of Jeff, and gets a corner clothesline. Big boot, but an elbow misses. Jeff’s comeback is no-sold, but he manages a baseball slide. He tries a dive off the top but misses by 8 feet and splats on the railing, and that’s pretty much the end of his offense for the match. Taker calmly posts him and takes his time tossing him around outside before spearing him with a chair. Back in, more punishment as Jeff is dead weight. Last Ride finishes after Taker looks Lita off the top rope and pins Jeff at 4:00. Nothing terribly interesting here except watching the WWF shoot themselves with the foot with this heel turn by making UT even COOLER in the eyes of Joe Fan by having him be an even bigger ass-kicker. ј* Taker carries Jeff to the stage and pretends that he’s Kevin Nash and Jeff is Eric Bischoff. TSN cuts out here but when they return the assumption seems to be that Lita got more of the same.

– During the break, Matt is concerned about Lita. Now why can’t a storyline that matters have good depth like this one?

– Vince comes out to insult the fans and Steve Austin. We get the obligatory Smackdown clips, which draws out Austin. Vince wants an apology, stat. Austin claims that he took Booker on a shopping trip, which gives the fans a chance to go “What” on cue. As long as it’s confined to Austin’s segments, it’s a great chance for fan participation. When it starts disrupting serious heel promos, though, it becomes obnoxious. Austin says basically nothing, and Booker interrupts on the Titantron, once again vandalizing Austin’s truck. Another chase ensues.

– WWF tag title: The Dudley Boyz v. Albert & Scotty 2 Hotty. Thank god that “The Zoo Crew” only lasted one show. Maybe Captain Carrot threatened to sue? Scotty starts off with D-Von and we don’t even pay lip service to a full match, as he gets clocked right away and becomes face-in-peril immediately. Bubba drops an elbow for two. Suplex gets two. Double flapjack gets two. Scotty superkicks Bubba and makes the hot tag to Albert. Giant Swing for D-Von, and Scotty comes in with a missile dropkick on Bubba. W-O-R-M, but Bubba pulls D-Von out at two. Stacy gets involved, and Scotty walks into 3D at 4:01. Another day, another set of challengers gone. Ѕ* Crowd was just dead for this.

– Meanwhile, Booker calls Vince on the Magic Cell Phone (which we can hear but no one else can) and informs him that he’s hiding out in a church, where Austin can’t find him.

– JR stops to offer some kind words for Russ Haas.

– European title: Christian v. Tazz. Christian chokes him out and stomps away. Tazz fights back with a pair of suplexes, but takes the Unprettier at 1:28 and that’s it. DUD Tazz chokes him out to put up the faзade of getting his heat back, but whatever.

– Meanwhile, mild-mannered Greg Helms interviews Ric Flair. Lance Storm interrupts and begs for another chance. Flair gives him one last try, against the Rock, but promises to make his life miserable. What, is he gonna upgrade his plane ticket to first-class behind his back? Speaking of making life miserable for ex-WCW guys, what’s the point of continuing with the Hurricane character now that they’ve killed it deader than Sportsline? If there was an intention of doing something with the character, the time to do it was when he was over, not now, when he’s just another jobber.

– Meanwhile, Vince wishes RVD good luck later tonight against Jericho, but gets blown off. Vince turns on him and takes it back.

– Meanwhile, at the bingo hall (is that a rib on Paul Heyman?) Booker has issues with the caller and decides to amend things by switching cards with an old lady. He yells at some other senior citizens (I think if you freeze frame you can just catch Undertaker playing) before Austin takes over calling and chases Booker off.

– Meanwhile, Booker hides out by attempting to imitate a statue. For a minute I thought it was Big Show, because no one else could stand in one place like that.

– The Rock v. Lance Storm. They trade hammerlocks and Rock gets the lariat. Rock tosses him and pounds away, then stops for some un-funny color commentary. Back in, Stormkick gets two. Clothesline gets two. Rock comes back with a samoan drop and they slug it out. Rock gets a suplex and DDT, but the ref is bumped. Rock gets the Scorpion King Deathlock, but of course Test runs in to break it up and clobber Rock. Meltdown, and Storm gets two. I wish they wouldn’t put Rock into bad positions like this, where he either has to job or do a goofy screwjob to keep his heat. You’ve already got Big Show for shit jobs like this. Spinebuster, but Rock chooses to chase Test, making him look like an idiot. Storm beats the count back in at 5:37 to get his job back. Rock offers a handshake, and then splats him to get his revenge. Speaking as a fan of the Rock, this didn’t help him, especially since if nothing else he’s at least a good sportsman and probably would have shaken Storm’s hand instead of being a jerk. Match was going okay until the bad finish. *

– Meanwhile, it’s the old gag where Booker hides out in the confessional but ends up listening to a hot chick confess to a threesome. He asks for a videotape. While the joke was cute, the only thing going through my mind was “How the hell did they find a video camera that can see through wood?”

– Chris Jericho comes out to protest his title defense tonight, because RVD cheated on Smackdown by using a chair. Funny story: Larry Zbyszko is currently bitching to whoever will listen that Jericho shouldn’t be calling himself “The Living Legend” because he stole the gimmick, and he’s also too short to be a World champion. Irony, Larry is thy name. Jericho calls out Flair and he wants him to cancel the title match tonight. Flair comes out and refuses. Jericho threatens to sue and again accuses Flair of being jealous, and of having a mid-life crisis. Flair freaks out and reveals that he’s the guest referee tonight. Jericho v. Flair is all good. If ever there was someone to give the rub, it’s Flair.

– Edge & Rikishi v. Kurt Angle & Test. Playing the part of William Regal tonight, it’s Test! Angle starts with Rikishi and falls into Stinkfake position right away. Test comes in and gets put there too, but Angle blasts out with a clothesline and hammers away. Rikishi makes an apparent hot tag to Edge, who cleans house. Edge-O-Matic gets two on Angle. Brawl erupts, and Edge spears Test, but gets Angle-Slammed at 2:09. Finish made no sense and the match was almost move-for-move the same as Smackdown except with Edge doing the job. ј* Heel beatdown results, and Rock saves and kicks the crap out of Test.

– Backstage, Test beats up Michael Cole. Wow, I SO wanna boo him now.

– January 7: HHH is BACK. Thank god.

– The Big Slow & Tajiri v. The Blo-Gunns. I thought Palumbo & Gunn were babyfaces? Anyway, Palumbo hammers on Tajiri, but walks into a kick for two. Palumbo gets a dropkick and a suplex, and Gunn works him over. Double-team bulldog gets two. Tajiri superkicks Chuck, but hot tag Slow. He stands around and lets the heels bump off him, and Gunn takes the Tarantula. Palumbo kinda grazes Slow with a Junglekick and Gunn hits with Fameasser, but no cover. Tajiri comes in with the kicks on Gunn, but misses the handspring and hits Torrie by mistake. Hey, she’s gonna stand on the apron, she gets what she deserves. Gunn flapjacks Tajiri for the pin at 2:36. What’s with all the heels going over tonight? Match felt more like 25:00.

– Meanwhile, Booker is still taking confessions, so of course the next one up is Austin. Booker runs away again.

– Finally, Booker escapes by hiding out with a group of nuns while Austin gets into a one-sided conversation with a priest. I sat through two hours of those skits for THAT payoff? Dammit, I must be appeased – go now to WWF.com, under the News/Headlines section, and vote for Austin v. Benoit from the May 31 Smackdown for the New Year’s Eve RAW. Vote early, vote often – I expect it to be in the top 10 by Dec. 30! I will not tolerate the Lingerie match being in the list and Austin/Benoit being an also-ran. Show the WWF whose opinion REALLY matters – MINE!

– Unified World title: Chris Jericho v. Rob Van Dam. Funny story about RVD: The latest Ross Report has a little blurb on Van Dam and how he needs to cut down on high risk stuff in order to fit into the WWF style better, and then proceeds to list a who’s who of wrestling on the injured reserve. I just find that kind of ignorance on JR’s part pretty amusing. To summarize the stips here, Vince is doing color while Flair is reffing. Hope he didn’t upgrade his airline tickets to first class and offend a main event talent like X-Pac. Jericho works the arm and chops away, but they do a gymnastics sequence and Jericho bails. Rob follows with an insane bodyblock to the floor, and they head back in. Rob stomps away, but gets hit with a release german suplex for two. Jericho drops some elbows for two. He hits the chinlock and they slug it out, but Jericho bulldogs him. Lionsault misses, but a spinkick gets two. Jericho chokes away and unloads the chops, but gets rolled up for two. A dropkick turns the tide again, and a suplex gets two via the ARROGANT COVER~! Jericho stomps away, but Rob fights back. Rollup gets two. Jericho slaps him around, but takes a kick to the face. Rob goes up with the somersault senton for two. Rana is blocked with the Walls of Jericho, but RVD makes the ropes. Back to it, but Rob reverses for two. Jericho lays in the boots and argues with Flair (a tribute to the Flair-Tommy Young running gag of years past) and he walks into a spinkick and Rolling Thunder. RVD goes up to finish with the frog splash, but Vince pulls Flair out at two and goes after him. Flair goes low and we get stereo figure-fours on the heels as I suddenly feel like I’m watching Worldwide again. The match is an apparent no-contest at 9:32, and it DEFINITELY feels like I’m watching Worldwide again. Kind of a slow match that the crowd didn’t get. **

The Bottom Line: Pretty flat show this week with tons of talk and more shitty wrestling than you can shake a Stacy Kiebler at. It probably won’t get better until the MSG RAW, because it’s all pre-taped shows from here until there and I can’t see them putting too much effort into filler shows during the holidays.

Next week: Booker T has Austin’s truck towed and hides out in a leper colony! Hilarity ensues!