Sudden Impact: 6.04.04

Lets ask Daniels for a good column name!

RecklessYouth66: Can I do TNA Clusterfuck?
Kaisen316: no, you can’t do clusterfuck
RecklessYouth66: dammit
RecklessYouth66: I love that word
Kaisen316: me too, actually

::Sigh:: “Babbling garbage” might be an appropriate name because that’s what everything I write ends up amounting to (and I always end sentences with prepositions!). So I look to see what time the damn show starts on FSN and it says 3:00pm. I run into the house at 2:57 to see the last three minutes of the main event and begin to assemble an arsenal of weapons to march downtown with. Luckily for us all they repeated the show and lives (and my butthole) were saved.

I’m Mike, I write in Black, and I wear contacts. Remember this is SUDDEN IMPACT so uh… my spellcheck is still broke 🙁 so that’s why you get this:

This week’s recap brought to you by new Ritz Chips. They’re fuckin’ delicious and you must try them. If Ritz would like to donate some bags to me contact Widro at [email protected] … if he finds it unprofessional, well, free Ritz Chips > 411.

Showtime

We’re coming at you from Orlando and start with a fancy little picture package. Everyone welcome the “Fox Box” a little sports-like bar at the top of the screen with a time limit and reminder of who’s fighting. A judge is “on hand” to render a decision if the time limit runs out.

Crowd is about 300 or 400…. hell I don’t know it’s like counting jelly beans in a fucking jar.

MATCH ONE: Team Canada (Williams, Young, Rude) vs Team International (Garza, Dutt, Red)

Why do Canadians stables always come out together to the Canadian anthem waving a flag? I get it. This crowd isn’t exactly attractive… I’d assume all the pretty people in Orlando are out on the beach flirting and the ugly fatties are inside watchin ‘rasslin. Red is out first, then Dutt, followed by Hector Garza and we’re under way. That’s Hector Garza? Damn… I just remember the faggy WCW guy with the white trunks. Nigga been liftin’ weights. Team International starts by flying out of the ring and attacking Team Canada followed by a beatdown outside. It’s Eric Young and Sonjay Dutt to start, Red is tagged in followed by a couple fancy tag moves on Young. Red punches Young down in the corner before Young hits a sideslam to end the momentum. Now it’s a 3-man beatdown on Amazing Red while the ref is distracted as Bobby Rude is now in and pounds Red into submission… well not literally. Kneedrop and a pin for a 2. Wow, more punches, how exciting. Rude tags out to Petey Williams for a super bulldog but only gets a 2 count. Williams with a bodyslam and a reverse chinlock but Red is staring at his hand which I guess makes him stronger. Bobby Rude now tagged in and hits a high impact suplex but Garza pulls him off before the ref can count. Beautiful counter by Red with a headscissors/DDT to get Garza into the ring. It’s FUCKING MAYHEM as everyone decides to hit their finishers in the middle of the ring. Garza with a sick leg kick as it calms down but he’s pulled outside the ring. Garza hits a nice twisting moonsault on Rude and gets the 1-2-3 as Dutt clears everyone out of the way. A little too fast for my liking but I’m boring like that. Winners: Team International at 6:18. 6.5/10.0

COMMERCIALS. All they did during the last match was shill Wednesday’s PPV and now they do it at the break. You’d think they’d try to hype NEXT WEEKS SHOW so more people might want to tune in again.

Ben Stiller will be playing his Character #2 (out of 2) in Dodgeball the Movie. #1 is the paranoid silly weak guy and #2 is the insane, stupid, athletic guy.

WE’RE BACK!

Stop hyping the fucking show, I’m watching it already.

Impact! Flashback segment. The old Jeff Jarrett pushing Toby Keith angle. Toby comes out and hits a pretty nice looking suplex on Jarrett costing him his battle royal spot. Next week it’s Urlacher and Johnny Fairplay! I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT!

COMMERCIALS. They hype the PPV more… nice job earning money for FSN fellas.

MATCH TWO: Abyss vs Shark Boy

It’s Shark Boy and the crowd goes WIIIIIILD. If you haven’t seen Abyss just take Big Dead Dick Dudley, toss on half of Mankind’s mask, and give him One Man Gang’s chain. Shark Boy pounds to start but isn’t exactly successful. Abyss comes back and goes for a chokeslam but Shark Boy BITES HIS ARM! GET IT!?!? Shark Boy!? It’s so funny I want to stop watching. Shark Boy hits a dropkick and then goes up to the turnbuckle to pound but only gets to 5. They show Goldylocks backstage and she looks like she’s been beaten with a shovel a few times as Shark Boy goes up and Abyss catches the crossbody leading to a big slam. Torture rack by Abyss and just as Shark Boy slips out he gets the a Blackhole Slam that would make Mr. Hughes cringe. Ah, Mr. Hughes, remember when his glasses broke into his eye? Now THAT’S an angle. 1-2-3 and it’s over at 1:18. Well… that was something. Winner: Abyss. 1.5/10.0

COMMERCIALS. Toby Keith, Nashville, Orlando. I’ve never seen more appropriate commercials in my life.

MATCH THREE: Tag Team Titles – Kid Kash and Dallas (c) vs America’s Most Wanted

AMW is down first and they run back and forth in the ring like it’s a super warmup. Ah, Kid Kash and Dallas…. let’s put the loudmouth obnoxious kid with the big badass bodyguard guy. INNOVATION! We’re over a minute in before Kash and Storm even touch one another. Lockup with Storm taking advantage and going with an armbar and headslappin’. They roll around a bit with Storm getting a chinlock and a shoulderblock taking Storm to the mat. Monkey flip by Storm ends the run as he tags in Chris Harris. Fancy little double team ending in a hella faceslam. Kash works his way out with a stun gun and tags in Dallas. Dallas with a big bodyslam and flips his tag partner on him for a pin, 1-2, nope. Dallas chokes Harris on the ground and we go to ….

COMMERCIAL. More TNA PPV previews and might I say Max Kellerman is almost as annoying as Ben Stiller. Who made you famous Max? Hint: It wasn’t you. Your Fox show is even worse than Rome’s ESPN show and frankly you should both be shot.

We’re now 6 minutes in and they show us a replay of Storm superkicking Kash from the break. Kash goes for the nonchalant pin and only gets a 2. Storm is fighting his way up but Kash keeps kicking him back down. I’m sorry but I can’t get past the fact this little kid can barely bodyslam Storm but seems to be kicking his ass. How can slamming a guy 2 feet make him scream in pain? Kash calls for somethin’ fancy and climbs up his partner (who is sitting on the top turnbuckle), trying a moonsault and missing it all. Storm tries to make his way across the 6-sided ring and finally tags in Chris Harris. Harris pounds away on Dallas but can’t take him down. A couple closelines can’t do the trick but a cross body block works just fine but he only gets a 2. He tries it again but Kash breaks up the pin before Storm tosses him outside the ring. Blackout by Dallas on Storm as Kash goes up to the top but Chris Harris charges across the ring with a quick spear to take Kash off his feet. He’s too busy celebrating to see a giant boot smack him in the face as he turns around courtesy of Dallas. Dallas points at Storm but misses another big boot as Harris rolls him up from behind to get the 3! Winners: New Tag Champs America’s Most Wanted at 8:55. 5.0/10.0, plodding, unbelievable, and obnoxious.

We get a boot shot of our celebrity guest judge. Hmmmm cowboy boots and blue jeans, WHO COULD IT BE!?!? The Godfather? King Kong Bundy? Terry Funk? No, those boots are too fat… looks like this judge is bakin’ bread in his shoes.

COMMERCIALS. More TNA PPV previews and more country music albums.

Special Judge interview with …. ::gasp:: DUSTY RHODES! Dusty comes out and waves his cowboy hat as he tries to find someone’s hand to smack and he stumbles down the ramp. The crowd goes nuts with a Dusty chant. Apparently Impact! is being shown in “forty-eight hundred million countries” and sadly I don’t think it was a joke. Dusty tells us the history of the NWA title belt and mention Harley Race, Buddy Rogers, Terry Funk, and the whole crew. Dusty is wearing his cowboy hat down over his eyes like a wigger at the mall with a Yankees cap. I tried that once and after I ran into a few walls that was the end of that. It hurts me to see Dusty give interviews because he has no idea what he’s saying until it comes out of his mouth and you can easily see him struggle with a word he’s trying to think of. Music hits the arena and we see a man with a guitar from the overhead cam in the rampway.

OMG IT’S HONKY TONK MAN!

HONKY TONK MAN IS HE….

Damn, just Jarrett. He waves his guitar at the fatties in the crowd and stands proudly in front of his cheap smoke display. Jarrett asks Dusty what he’s even doing there and thinks back to when he was 15 and actually respected him. He says Dusty was in the twilight of his career 20 years ago… OH TAGGGGG. Jarrett offers him some money to get him through and tells him to get out of HIS ring. He’s just trying to help him folks, you shouldn’t hate him for it. Jarrett tells him he’ll give him to the count of 5 to get out of his ring so he smartly turns around and takes 5 paces. 1….2….”you better be gone”… 3… 4…. 5 “you better be gone” but OMG HE ISN’T! What a rebel! Dusty beats down on Jarrett with lefts and rights but runs out of breath and lets Jarrett return the favor. Jarrett picks up the guitar for something naughty BUT IT’S K-KW… ERR RON KILLINGS! The “Troooof” misses a spinkick and gets a fat platinum guitar over the face as Jarrett retreats to the back. He raises the title as BG James and Konnan help their fallen comrade. James gives a really really really really shitty little interview … what happened to him? BG promises Jarrett will answer to the 3-Live Crew come Wednesday.

When we come back Shane Douglas will interview Vince Russo! Excitement! Don’t go away!

COMMERCIALS. PPV previews?! Well slap my ass and call me Mikey… I am astonished!

An X-Division package welcomes us back as Shane Douglas will try to pry the 4th entrant in our main event out of Russo. Sabin, Skipper, and Shane are already confirmed. “Wait till you find out” is the extent of the 30 second “interview”. Boy are they using The Franchise well.

It’s time for the #1 contender X-Division 4-way “clusterfuck”. I’m cringing at the thought of reviewing what I watched an hour ago… god help us all.

MATCH FOUR: X-Division #1 Contender – ??OMGMYSTERY?? vs Michael Shane vs Elix Skipper vs Chris Sabin

People in the crowd chant “AJ STYLES… clap clap clapclapclap”… they must have read the spoilers before coming to the show. OMG THEY’RE RIGHT! AJ Styles walks out trying to be Randy Orton and joins the other three in the ring… that’s gotta make them feel good. If you can’t tell them apart Styles has earrings, Skipper is black, Shane is wearing yellow trunks, and Sabin is the other guy with no good physical standing traits. They all stand in a big man circle and then go off like a Ricki Lake show. They all just randomly punch and kick each other and by the time I write one out two different ones are in… god help me, why did I do this? Okay, its Shane and Styles to start. They exchange elbows and run around before Styles hits a sick dropkick on Shane’s grill (EBONICS!). Sabin sneaks in and springboard dropkicks Styles while Skipper attacks Sabin from behind. Spinkick by Skipper on Sabin as Shane start punching on Skipper. Shane is the only one standing and dances around on one leg like a retarded dog. 30 seconds later he’s still doing it… he must be doing his Gowen impression and I give it 5.0 Muta! We have Styles and Shane outside the ring now and Shane suplexes Styles on the mat while Skipper slaps down Sabin on the inside. Shane with a faceplant DDT on Skipper and goes for the pin…1-2…nope. Styles jumps in now it’s him and Shane. Styles goes outside and flips over Shane, grabbing his head and landing an Inverted Styles. 1-2-, no, Sabin with the save. Where’d the black guy go? HOLY SHIT with a spinning DDT by Sabin on Styles and it only gets 2… that looked nasty. BTW, winner of this match gets Kazarian for the X-Title on Wednesday… they’re reminding me enough. Shane goes up top but gets crotched by Skipper (THERE HE IS!) now walks the ropes and MOONSAULTS HIM OUTSIDE THE RING from the top rope… TNA…TNA…TNA… damn. Hard elbow by Sabin inside on Styles but Styles tosses him outside and stands alone in the ring and we’re 5:30 in. Styles with a crazy plancha (nigga got hops) outside on Skipper and they both look dead. Sabin and Shane get back inside with Shane taking advantage. Shane shoulders him into the ring post. Sets up for the superkick but pays no attention to styles who sunset flips him and sets up the Styles Clash for the pin on Shane at 6:19… GOD HELP US ALL.

That’s right, all that in 6:19 and I missed 3/4s of it. I’m gonna regret volunteering for this.

Winner and #1 X-Division Contender: AJ Styles. Fancy, high flying goodness and I’ll give it 7.0/10.0 just because it was too damn short.

OVERALL THOUGHTS: Good show but had many downfalls. The 6-sided ring actually works pretty well but all the matches will be far too short to show anything very good. It looks like they’re setting up the show as a nice wrestling show to promote the PPV, which is what they should do I guess. All the commercials were for country music, TNA, Orlando, or Fox shows… this is not a good sign.

Overall it was a good show, check it out sometime. And dammit read me in Black!… I’m creamy and delicious, not unlike clam chowder.