wrestling / Columns

Vince Russo vs. Jim Cornette Can Only End One Way

June 14, 2017 | Posted by Jeremy Lambert

Vince Russo vs. Jim Cornette is the feud that never ends. With social media and podcasts being as popular and accessible as ever, both men have a medium to continue to take shots at each other. Since they’ll never end up in the same room together, it’s highly unlikely that this feud will see a resolution.

Recently, Cornette challenged Russo to fight. His rules were very specific.

“But here’s the rules. No cops, no guns, and no knives and we both come alone. And what happens, happens. Nobody makes a dime off of it, nobody gets any publicity off of it, nobody’s even gonna know it’s gonna happen until after it happens when nobody hears from you anymore.”

This is the dumbest challenge I’ve ever heard. Given that both men love publicity and only stay relevant because they keep talking about each other, why book a fight that no one can see and no one makes any money? No wonder Cornette no longer has a prominent booking/creative role in the industry.

If you’re going to book a Cornette vs. Russo fight, here’s how it goes down:

First, it has to be a Tennis Racket on a Pole match. No other match type is acceptable. Neither man has to be on television to build the eventual showdown. You just let them keep talking on Twitter, YouTube, and podcasts. If they were on TV together, I’d be worried that Cornette wouldn’t be able to remain professional. Thus, you keep them away from each other until the match happens.

Typically, in an Object on a Pole match, the smart thing to do would be to allow your opponent to retrieve the item. Once they get it, you just attack them from behind while they’re standing on the turnbuckle, take the item, and then beat them with it. But, as we know, no one is ever smart in wrestling.

So, before either man attempts to retrieve the tennis racket, they’ll have to fight. I have no doubt that Cornette would try and actually kill Russo, but would he be able to do it? Cornette is 55, Russo is 56. Neither guy is in great shape, but Cornette is bigger and has two bad knees. Also, Russo is a former World Champion, which counts for something in this worked shoot fight.

I also fear that Cornette would be a little too emotional. As Russo has mentioned, Cornette has been spewing the same vitriol of nearly 20 years. Either Cornette hates Russo more than any man has hated another man in history or Cornette knows that him talking about Russo is the only thing that keeps people listening, so he doesn’t shut up about him. Going into a fight with as much emotional hatred as Cornette has towards Russo can be a bad thing. It could get you knocked out in 13-seconds if you’re not careful.

We’ll assume that Cornette goes into business for himself at the start and gets his licks in on Russo. We’ll also assume that Russo fights back because he’s from New York, bro, and isn’t above dirty tactics.

Both men gas in about two minutes. They then realize that they should work together because they’ve made this much money together, and if one man kills the other, they’ll be jailed and have no one to talk about.

Cornette knows how to layout a match better than Russo, who would have at least five run ins by now, so he takes charge. They work a simple style, except no one really knows who the face is and who the heel is. The casuals in the crowd boo Russo as he’s been buried by multiple WWE figures on multiple DVDs and Network specials over the years. But the hardcore fans boo Cornette as they are tired of his bitching and complaining.

The match picks up as much as a match between two mid-50s non-wrestlers can pick up.

We finally have a run-in. It’s Eric Bischoff. What happens? You guessed it. He swerves us all and hits Cornette. Russo grabs the tennis racket, but it’s another swerve, bro, as Russo hits Bischoff. Cornette gets up, Russo lays down, and Cornette pins him.

That’s the only way this whole feud can end. Not in a $5,000 fight that no one sees. But in a sports entertainment debacle where the shoot turns into a work.

Let’s chat on Twitter, bros. @jeremylambert88