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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: Champagne and Bullets

June 18, 2022 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
**COLUMN IMAGE** Image Credit: Monarch Productions

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #608: Champagne and Bullets

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never felt the need to wear leather pants or sing in a bar, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number six hundred and eight, I take a look at the absolutely insane cult classic action movie/epic vanity project Champagne and Bullets, which was released on a terrific Blu-ray via the fine folks at Vinegar Syndrome in April 2021 (I’m not entirely sure when it was released on VHS in the early 1990’s).

Champagne and Bullets

Image Credit: Monarch Productions

Champagne and Bullets, also known as Road to Revenge and Geteven, is a movie that I had never heard of until I read a review of it in the great book Mine’s Bigger Than Yours: The 100 Wackiest Action Movies by Christopher Lombardo and Jeff Kirschner (check out my review of that book here. The book is still available to buy and is something you should absolutely own) under the movie’s Geteven title. The movie sounded insane and something I needed to see as soon as possible. I looked for it everywhere I could think but couldn’t find it at all. And then the fine folks at Vinegar Syndrome announced that they were releasing the movie via their Vinegar Syndrome Archive collection and I ordered a copy as soon as I could. This Blu-ray, which has all three versions of the movie, is, as I said in the intro, another terrific home video release by VS. And the movie, mainly Champagne and Bullets, deserves a top notch physical media release because it is a true blue classic.

Yes, that’s what I said. Champagne and Bullets is a classic. It isn’t any good, but it is so ridiculously entertaining and so truly bad that you can’t help but love it. When you aren’t laughing at what you’re watching you’re wondering why anyone involved in the movie thought what they were doing was a good idea. And while it’s a full on vanity project for star John De Hart (he also wrote the screenplay, co-directed with James Paradise, and sang most of the songs on the soundtrack), it’s so sincerely made that you can’t hate it, even if what’s happening on screen is just oh so wrong (like the multiple sex scenes involving De Hart and former Playboy Playmate Pamela Jean Bryant).

Champagne and Bullets stars John De Hart as Rick Bode, a former badass LAPD cop who, along with his best friend and partner Huck Finney (a truly transcendent Wings Hauser), is thrown off the force after a botched drug raid and lying testimony during a review board meeting from fellow cop Normad (William Smith). A year after losing their cop jobs, Bode is a limo driver and Finney is unemployed and going through a bad divorce (Finney does like to watch TV and hang out with an Indian statue, so it’s not like he doesn’t have anything to occupy his time). Bode and Finney are still best friends, though, and they hang out as often as they can. One of their favorite activities is hanging out at a local bar where patrons love it when Bode sings “The Shimmy Slide” with the house band. So one night, when Bode and Finney are hanging out at the bar with Bode’s hot babe girlfriend Cindy (Pamela Jean Bryant) and drinking and singing and whatnot, a group of scumbags walk in and start harassing Cindy. It doesn’t take long for a full on bar fight to develop, with Bode and Finney laying waste to the scumbags. The cops show up, but it’s very possible they’re not there to break up the brawl; the cops just arrived at the right time (during Bode’s song a woman starts stripping for absolutely no reason at all, and a woman at the bar who isn’t a fan of “public nudity” calls the cops). So then some stuff happens, Finney gets arrested, and Bode has to bail his friend out of jail.

Now, the scumbags that walked into the bar and started harassing Cindy didn’t start doing that because they’re scumbags. Instead, the scumbags recognized Cindy from a sordid event from her past and were there to kidnap her. See, Cindy used to belong to a “coven of Satanists” and, during a satanic ritual where the Satanists were sacrificing a baby, Cindy put up a fuss about it (we find this out via a flashback where Cindy tells Bode all of this while sitting together on a swing. This also happens after a scene where Bode and Pamela go to dinner and Bode tells multiple unfunny jokes to the waiter. This restaurant scene is completely unnecessary and does not move the story along at all). After revealing her Satanic past, Bode tries to console Cindy by telling her that he wants to be an actor and does his version of “To Be or Not to Be” from Hamlet. Cindy is so enthralled by this that she wants to drink champagne by the fireplace and have sex with Bode. And then that’s what happens.

So then some time passes and Bode and Finney are together at the bar and Bode tells Finney that he’s going to move in with Cindy. This news sets Finney off because he has no idea how he’s going to afford to live in his apartment without Bode. We then get more Shakespeare talk for some reason. We then see Finney in his bathroom shooting his bills with a small caliber handgun and then flushing the bills down the toilet. Finney’s ex-wife Alex (Cassandra Leigh) then shows up to try to console Finney and all hell breaks loose (they argue, she shows him her boobs, she calls 911 and tells the cops that Finney tried to kill her, and then Finney gets into a fight with the cops and is arrested).

It’s at this point that we find out that Normad, who we saw in Cindy’s flashback is the leader of the satanic coven, is also a crime boss and a judge. We see Normad assault multiple women in a hotel room for no real reason (one of them is Alex), and then we see Finney in court in front of judge Normad. After a court scuffle (Finney seems to assault cops and officials at these kinds of events. He assaulted officials during the review board hearing earlier) Finney is sent to jail. While in jail, Finney freaks out and drinks bleach and is sent to the jail hospital where he is then visited by a nun. Bode and Cindy also show up to visit Finney.

So then the scene changes and Bode goes to see Cindy’s parents. This meeting doesn’t go well at all (Cindy’s father is super religious and hates that his daughter was a Satanist). Cindy collects two cardboard boxes of her clothes, a musical interlude happens where we see Bode and Cindy talking but we don’t hear what they say, and then Bode and Cindy have sex in a bathtub filled with bubbles. There’s also another musical interlude here along with slow motion champagne drinking.

So then Finney is let out of jail and we see him standing in a swimming pool, ranting and raving about a new religion he’s created based on The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Bode pops in and asks Finney if he will be the best man at his wedding. Finney accepts, there’s a small wedding ceremony (I swear to God it looks like Finney is playing pocket pool while Bode and Cindy exchange their vows), and then Bode and Cindy go on their honeymoon and we get another sex scene.

So then Normad tells his henchmen (the scumbags from before) to kill Cindy. Normad’s scumbags then head to the bar, rape a bartender, and go look for Cindy. It’s at this point that Cindy reveals to Bode that Normad is the lead Satanist (she sees his picture and recognizes him), Bode takes Cindy out for a ride on his motorcycle, and the scumbags show up and a car chase ensues. The chase ends with an off-screen accident and the death of Cindy. Bode then buries his wife and vows revenge.

So then Bode works out on a heavy bag, gets a present from Finney (he gives Bode the Indian statue), and then grabs a bow and arrow and goes looking to kill Normad. Now, at this very moment, Normad is in the midst of a big drug dealer meeting with some other drug dealer. Normad kills his fellow drug dealer (Normad doesn’t like it when people refuse to speak English in his house or something) and then gets pissed when he finds out that Bode is there and he’s killing his henchmen. A “big shootout” ensues, there’s a fight between Bode and Normad, and Normad gets stabbed in the gut and dies. That should be the end of the movie.

It isn’t, though. I won’t tell you exactly how it ends, but it’s beautiful. It makes no sense but it’s truly beautiful.

Image Credit: Monarch Productions

The first thing you’ll notice while watching Champagne and Bullets is that John De Hart can’t act. At all. When he interacts with any of the actual actors in the movie (like Hauser and Smith and Bryant) they’re the only ones trying to generate a performance. De Hart is just sort of standing there most of the time, giving his lines and not much else. I can’t say that De Hart is awkward in front of the camera, but he doesn’t seem to know what he wants to do. And when you remember that this is his movie and that he’s not only the writer and star but the co-director you start wondering if he knows what he’s doing. And then when you realize that he doesn’t and somehow the movie is still entertaining and you can’t take your eyes off of De Hart whenever he’s on screen you stand back in awe of him. None of what’s happening in Champagne and Bullets should be working at all and yet somehow it does.

The second thing you’re likely to notice is that the actors trying to give a performance are really trying to make something out of their characters despite being in such a bizarre, nonsensical story. William Smith makes Normad as evil and awful as he possibly can. He doesn’t really have to, but Smith still tries to bring his bad guy A game to Normad. Now, I’d love to know why the hell Normad’s name is Normad and that’s it. He doesn’t have a first name, which is just weird (he very well could be a “Joe” Normad or “Wayne” Normad). I’d also like to know how the hell Normad became a judge in a year after being a cop. Did he get elected to the judgeship? If he was appointed to the position, who appointed him? And why would everyone else in the local judiciary be okay with Normad as a judge?

Image Credit: Monarch Productions

Pamela Jean Bryant does a very good job as Cindy, Bode’s girlfriend. You never really know why she’s so into Bode (Bode isn’t exactly the most charismatic individual in the world) but she makes sure you know that she’s devoted to him so you end up accepting their relationship even if it all seems ridiculous. Bryant also tries her hardest to make the seemingly endless sex scenes she has to do with De Hart hot and interesting but they don’t work. I mean, she’s clearly doing her job to make you think she’s into what’s happening, but De Hart is, like everything else in the movie involving him, just there. She got through them all, though, so kudos to her for being a professional.

Image Credit: Monarch Productions

And then there’s Wings Hauser, who is batshit insane as Huck Finney. Finney is supposed to be on a downward spiral as his life is falling apart before our eyes. Hauser takes that idea and pushes it to absurd lengths and becomes the most entertaining part of the movie. Finney is so unpredictable that you can’t wait to see what, exactly, he’s going to do next. What other things is he going to shoot with a small caliber handgun and flush down the toilet? Does he have other Indian statues that he hangs out with? Is he willing to drink other cleaning liquids in order to have epiphanies about life and religion? Are there other great works of American literature that he would like to turn into a religion? And on top of that, how much thought did Hauser actually give to his performance? Was he just winging it with every scene, acting as strangely and wacked out as he could, or did he workshop everything in his head beforehand? And why the hell did he do the movie in the first place? Did he really like the script or did he just need whatever amount of money he was paid? We need Wings to explain himself. What the heck was going on here, man?

You will also likely be dumbfounded by the lack of coverage for multiple scenes, as well as how there are random sound problems when it comes to character dialogue. There are long scenes with no cuts or close ups but it’s not due to any sort of directorial technique. No one is doing a long shot with no cuts because “that’s cinema.” It’s almost like De Hart and company ran out of time to cover everything they actually shot or he didn’t know that was what you were supposed to do and no one told him. It’s all so bizarre.

And then there’s the soundtrack, which is amazing. Every song is catchy in its own way, but when you realize that De Hart is singing most of them you’ll once again wonder what the hell is going on here? You get the sense that De Hart sang all of the songs because he was fast and cheap, like John Carpenter doing the music for Assault on Precinct 13 and Halloween, but because he really likes the songs, thinks they add to the movie, and since it’s his movie why not put them on the soundtrack? Do be prepared to be weirded out when you hear De Hart singing the songs that play over his sex scenes with Bryant. Did De Hart know he was going to do that before making the movie or was that something he decided to do later on?

I will say that “The Shimmy Slide” is one of the greatest things ever put in a movie. It’s catchy, it’s absurd, it’s one of the many things you will remember about the movie. You will also wonder how often Bode is asked to sing that song at the bar. Is it every time? Is it, like, every Friday? Are there other songs that he rocks the house singing?

Why does De Hart wear leather pants in just about every scene that he’s in? Is it meant to make Rick Bode look cool and badass? Is it because De Hart just liked wearing leather pants and he wanted to every day? Why isn’t anyone else wearing leather pants?

The last quarter or so of the movie is fun because it tries to deliver on being an action movie. There isn’t much in the way of suspense but there is just enough mayhem to sort of satisfy viewers. Bode’s final fight with Normad (because you know there’s going to be one as soon as you know who the hero is and who the bad guy is) isn’t anything special but it is a fight. The movie could have used a few more crossbow assassinations and neck snaps in shadow. I also would have been down for more “Bode takes out multiple satanic cult members one by one” stuff, but then the movie doesn’t really do anything with that plot point until the end of the movie.

I know it sounds like I’m trashing Champagne and Bullets but I’m not. I’m really not. Champagne and Bullets is a fun movie watching experience. It is what loving B-movies, and movies in general, is all about. There’s no way in hell that Champagne and Bullets should work and yet somehow it does. It’s great. It’s a classic. It’s something that you absolutely need to see. I need to see Road to Revenge and Geteven next, so I can get the full John De Hart experience.

See Champagne and Bullets. See it, see it, goddamn see it!

Image Credit: Vinegar Syndrome

So what do we have here?

Dead bodies: About 10.

Explosions: None.

Nudity?: Copious amounts of it.

Doobage: Weird scrolling opening credits, a theme song, an abandoned RV in the woods, people taking cocaine from a big plastic bag and transferring it to a smaller plastic bag using a switchblade knife, a shootout, bullet to the gut (maybe), a review board meeting, endless talking, someone talking but you can barely hear what they’re saying, shotgun hooey, crossbow hooey, limo driver hooey, prom night hooey, multiple people pissing on the side of the road, bar hooey, bar singing, spontaneous line dancing, a striptease dance for no reason, a woman complaining about public nudity, police station hooey, weird music placement, a picnic on a swing chair, some bullshit about a Satanic cult, a Satanic ritual, bondage, baby killing, attempted consoling, “Hamlet,” people drinking champagne while sitting next to a fire, a sex scene, an argument, a guy shoots his bills with a small caliber pistol and then flushes them down the toilet, bobs, cop punching, face slapping, sexual assault, off screen fellatio (I assume), bleach drinking, nun hooey, two cardboard boxes of clothes, a musical interlude where we see two people having a conversation but we don’t hear what they say, a bathtub sex scene with a musical interlude, slow motion champagne drinking, a guy standing in a pool talking about a religion he’s created based on The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, a wedding, a honeymoon striptease, yet another sex scene, a giant back spot, an awkward segment where a woman looks into the camera, drug business hooey, more sexual assault, more stuff about a Satanic cult, motorcycle hooey, a car chase, motorcycle helmet hooey, of screen motorcycle accident, a brief funeral, bow and arrow hooey, arrow to the gut, a big drug dealer meeting, arrow to the back, neck snapping in shadow, drug dealer killing for a lack of English, a hallway shootout, serious cocaine ingestion, bullet to the leg, a fist fight, gut stabbing, and a beautiful ending.

Kim Richards?: Big time.

Gratuitous: John De Hart, William Smith, Wings Hauser, bad guys taking cocaine from a big plastic bag and transferring it to a smaller plastic bag with a switchblade knife, William Smith explaining how you snort cocaine with a short straw, Wings Hauser beating up cops in an official hearing, Miller Lite, Wings Hauser ironing his pants while watching TV, Wings Hauser hanging out with an Indian statue for no apparent reason, a toast to friendship, John De Hart singing “The Shimmy Slide,” spontaneous line dancing, a striptease dance for no apparent reason, Wings Hauser slapping a guy into submission, Mo the bails bondsman, John De Hart eating corn chips in a Mexican restaurant, John De Hart telling doctor jokes to a waiter for no apparent reason, a Satanic cult ritual with baby sacrifice, William Smith as the leader of a Satanic cult, William Smith stabbing a baby blanket, John De Hart doing the “To Be or Not to Be” monologue from Hamlet, John De Hart having sex, John De Hart rubbing ice on Pamela Jean Bryant’s body, Wings Hauser wanting a “classy drink,” Wings Hauser shooting his bills with a small caliber revolver and then flushing the bills down the toilet, shaky cam for no reason, William Smith in a hotel room smacking a woman across the face, John De Hart wearing a pair of leather pants to court, Wings Hauser drinking bleach while in jail, Wings Hauser being visited in the hospital by a nun, a musical interlude where we see two people having a conversation but we don’t hear what they’re saying, slow motion champagne drinking, a wedding, a giant spot on the back of John De Hart, an awkward moment where Pamela Jean Bryant looks directly into the camera, John De Hart riding a motorcycle, John De Hart hitting a heavy bag, William Smith trying on a pair of sunglasses and wanting to know how they look, William Smith testing cocaine, William Smith killing people for not speaking English in his house, a hallway shootout, William Smith doing more cocaine, William Smith fighting John De Hart, and a beautiful ending.

Best lines: “Sonofabitch! Normad was right!,” “Hold your position, Finney! Goddamit I said hold your position Finney!,” “You just made a big mistake,” “Can the opinions! Stick to factual observations!,” “You know how to hurt a guy,” “Not a problem!,” “Hey, how come you’re not up there? Because I have a brain,” “I got business with the bitch,” “He’s going through some growing pains, you might say,” “Here’s a quarter. Buy yourself a personality,” “We love you Satan! Satan lives!,” “We are here to celebrate the omnipotence of our leader Satan!,” “They sacrificed a human baby,” “I told ya, I told ya everything’s going to be fine,” “Do you want to hear something Hamlet wrote?,” “Who is Hamlet? Who gives a shit?,” “Chill out, hulk,” “I just remembered this. I’m fucked. I’m totally fucked,” “Stop! Stop the accusations!,” “It’s true, you’ve never met a woman until you’ve met her in court,” “No bail!,” “Listen you polyester puppet!,” “You’re pretty for a nun,” “You wait out here! I’ll get her clothes!,” “How about I make you a nice home cooked meal? How about I just have you for dessert?,” “Now I’m gonna show you what kind of girl you really married,” “Are we gonna talk about it or are we going to do it?,” “I told her something like this would happen. Wages of sin,” “I’ll get even for ya, Cindy. I promise you I will get even,” “You have to remember that you only get old if you’re lucky,” “You speak English in my house!,” “It’s me again. You’re the kind of… puke… that causes the world decay,” and “I’ll see you in hell you sonofabitch! No problem.”

Rating: 10.0/10.0



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Image Credit: Monarch Productions

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Champagne and Bullets

John De Hart– Rick Bode
Wings Hauser– Huck Finney
William Smith– Normad
Pamela Jean Bryant– Cindy
Elaine Young– Lainie
Jimmy Williams– Scar
Cassandra Leigh– Alex
Rebecca Warren– Nun

(check out the rest of the cast here)

Directed by John De Hart and James Paradise
Screenplay by John De Hart

Distributed by Grant Enterprises and Vinegar Syndrome

Not Rated
Runtime– 99 minutes

Buy it here