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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: Lionheart
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #488: Lionheart
Van Damme December: Week 2
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never had to fight anyone in an empty in-ground pool, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number four hundred and eighty-eight, Van Damme December continues with Lionheart, which was released in early January 1991.
Lionheart
Lionheart, directed by the great Sheldon Lettich, may be star Jean-Claude Van Damme’s most heartfelt movie, which seems weird saying considering Lionheart is essentially about the seedy world of underground fighting and the rich assholes that bet on and stage those fights. It’s the truth, though. Lionheart is chock full of emotion, not to mention the ultimate “good guy” performance from Van Damme. Yes, it also has plenty of fists, kicks, blood, almost nudity, and hellacious beat downs, which were no doubt the draw for action movie audiences back when Lionheart was first released. But did audiences expect to walk out of the theatre with a lump in their throat?
Lionheart has Jean-Claude Van Damme as Lyon Gaultier, a badass member of the French Foreign Legion who decides to desert his unit and head to the United States when he finds out his brother has been seriously injured (burned alive during a drug deal gone seriously wrong). Getting to the U.S. is a giant pain in the ass for Lyon as he has no friends, no money, and he has agents of the French Foreign Legion trying to find him so they can take him back to his unit. When Lyon finally does get to the United States, to New York City specifically, he meets and eventually befriends Joshua (Harrison Page), a street person who stages street fights that other street people gamble on. Lyon kicks ass immediately and, as a result, starts to make some money. And Lyon needs money because his brother is on the west coast and he has no way of getting there. Money will help him get there.
Now, it’s at this point that Joshua introduces Lyon to Cynthia (Deborah Rennard), a rich woman who helps stage big money underground fights. Cynthia likes Lyon in multiple ways (she likes the way he fights and she wants to have sex with him) and wants him as a participant in her underground fight scheme. Lyon agrees to most of Cynthia’s offer (he agrees to fight for her. He will not have sex with her, though) and she takes him out to Los Angeles. Joshua goes along, too.
As soon as Lyon arrives in Los Angeles, he tries to track down his brother and his family (Lyon’s brother has a wife, Helene, played by Lisa Pelikan, and a young daughter named Nicole, played by Ashley Johnson). Unfortunately, Lyon doesn’t get a chance to say goodbye to his brother in person as he dies from his burns in the hospital. Lyon does try to connect with Helene, but she doesn’t want anything to do with him as she blames him for her husband’s death (Lyon and his brother apparently had quite the checkered past). So what the heck is Lyon going to do? Where is he going to go? How is he going to connect with his sister-in-law and young niece?
Lyon has a plan. Well, he has sort of a plan. With the help of both Cynthia and Joshua, Lyon sets up a bank account that will hold all of Lyon’s fight winnings. Lyon will then cut checks to Helene under the guise of a special secret insurance policy that Lyon’s brother had set up. Joshua will actually take the checks to Helene himself. As long as Lyon can keep winning fights and making money, he can keep the fake insurance policy going. And as long as Helene doesn’t get wise to the part Joshua is playing, Lyon will be able to make amends for his not being there for his brother and he will be able to provide somewhat of a future for Helene and Nicole (Lyon will also be able to get Nicole a new bike, something she desperately wants). Will Lyon’s plan work?
At first, yes, Lyon’s plan works. Cynthia finds him opponents, Lyon fights and defeats them (he beats a guy inside an indoor racquetball court. How often do you see that kind of thing in a movie or in real life?), and Lyon sends Helene money, which she accepts. But then things start to change, and not for the better. Cynthia grows tired of her arrangement with Lyon as he continues to spur her advances. Lyon’s fights keep getting harder and harder and there are times where it seems like he’s going to lose (he doesn’t, but in the underground fight business who needs suspense when “sure things” are much more profitable). And the agents the Legion sent after Lyon know where he is and intend to capture him so they can send him back to his unit.
What the heck is Lyon going to do? Will he be able to survive all of this and continue to support his brother’s family?
The final segment of the movie has Lyon in the biggest fight of his underground fighting career, taking on the notorious Attila (Abdel Qissi), a bonafide killer that has a pet cat that he apparently brings to all of his fights. You know that Lyon is eventually going to win the fight and come out on top because Jean-Claude Van Damme is the star of the movie, but there are moments where it looks like Van Damme’s Lyon might not make it out of the “ring” alive. Lyon enters the fight with broken ribs. How the hell can Lyon defeat a monster like Attila when he’s not at 100 percent?
The fights in Lionheart are all well staged and exciting. There’s a nice balance achieved between Van Damme’s martial arts skills and the various skills of his opponents. Some of them appear to be martial artists just like him, while others are just gigantic tough guys (you know, the kind of guys that could kill you with one punch because they’re just so massive). The fights are also fairly “realistic” looking. No one is flying around on wires or anything. There are also elements of pro wrestling in some of the fights, as Van Damme’s first “major” opponents is the Scotsman, a guy that shows up to the fight in a kilt and the whole thing. Do real deal underground street fighters do that kind of thing? I doubt it, but it ends up being cool anyway.
What surprised me about Lionheart is that it doesn’t have a body count. Yes, we’re told that Attila has killed people “in the ring” before, but we don’t really see him kill them. Van Damme’s Lyon also doesn’t kill anyone in the ring or outside of it. Aren’t these underground fights supposed to be “to the death?” Why isn’t anyone killing anyone in these things? Are the fights that Lyon beats secretly killed off screen? I mean, what the hell is going on here? Do fighters in this brutal underground fight world actually have the opportunity to make a career comeback in the event they lose a fight at some point?
And why are these rich people staging fights in public? Sometimes we see fights in parking garages, inside a circle of cars with their headlights on. Shouldn’t these rich people be staging all of their fights in and on property they own? Yes, these rich people could probably pay off any cops that show up, but why take the chance of the cops showing up at all? I don’t get that.
The movie’s music is a little weird at first. It just seems wrong for the kind of movie Lionheart is. The music grows on you, though, and by the end you’ll find yourself a bit teary eyed (I almost didn’t make it through the end credits). That doesn’t happen to me very often with any movie.
Jean-Claude Van Damme kicks major ass as Lyon. He’s a deserter, sure, but, deep down, he’s a good guy just trying to do the right thing. And that’s all he really wants to do. He doesn’t fight for the money so he can be rich. Lyon fights so his sister-in-law and niece can stay in their apartment. He also refuses to stay in the gilded penthouse owned by Cynthia. He had nothing but the clothes on his back when he came to America, yet he would rather stay in a rundown building than hang out in a luxury apartment with a hot babe wearing lingerie all of the time. The man has principles, man. Real ones. Van Dame’s accent is still pretty thick here, but you can understand just about everything he says and he shows that he can act when he has to. He isn’t all fists and spin kicks and shit. Definitely one of Van Dame’s best performances. I love to root for Lyon.
Harrison Page is hilarious as Joshua, the street person /street fight promoter who ends up befriending Lyon and working with him in Los Angeles. Joshua could have been just a foul mouthed trainer character, but Page makes him a deep down nice guy that you like and root for. Yeah, Joshua is a little shady, but he’s also the only guy willing to help Lyon immediately. No one else was willing to do that. I think you’ll like the way his character plays itself out.
Deborah Rennard does an excellent job as Cynthia, the wealthy underground fight promoter that agrees to sponsor Lyon. On the outside, Cynthia seems like a ruthless but somewhat decent human being, at least at first. When she tries to put the moves on Lyon and Lyon rejects her, her character actually shifts a bit and she becomes even more ruthless. She also becomes quite terrible and unredeemable. It would have been interesting to see if Cynthia would have been a “different person” had Lyon slept with her/been her “boy toy” in the apartment. How long would it have taken her to grow tired of him? Because you know that’s what she would have done. Rennard doesn’t get nude in the movie, but I will say that she knows how to rock some seriously skimpy underwear/lingerie.
Lisa Pelikan and Ashley Johnson both do a good job as Helene and Nicole, Lyon’s sister-in-law and niece. Helene is upset and still in mourning when she meets Lyon, and you understand why she doesn’t want to be around him. You don’t agree with her decision, but you understand it. As for Nicole, she’s adorable. Her insistence on getting a new bike is going to make you smile. She’s just a little girl in a harsh world just trying to eke out a moment of happiness. How can you root against her?
Brian Thompson shows up every so often in the movie as Russell, Cynthia’s main henchman. He’s a scumbag, yes, but he’s The Night Slasher and he looks like he’s the kind of guy that can get things done. I’m surprised he doesn’t get into nay fights of shoot anyone in this movie. Not even once. That just seems strange.
And be on the lookout for martial arts movie star Billy Banks, who shows up as a Legionnaire in Africa. The Perfect Weapon’s Jeff Speakman is also apparently in the movie (I didn’t see him but his name does pop up in the end credits). And Eric Karson, director of the Chuck Norris flick The Octagon, the Olivier Gruner action flick Angel Town, and the Sho Kosugi/Van Damme flick Black Eagle, shows up briefly as a doctor that Lyon talks with. Gruner is thanked in the credits for some reason.
I absolutely loved Lionheart. It’s a sincere, heartfelt action flick featuring star Jean-Claude Van Damme at his finest. I’m not going to say that if you aren’t hit with the feels after watching Lionheart that there’s something wrong with you, but I will tell you that you need to watch the movie again because you obviously watched it wrong the first time. Lionheart is great. One of Van Damme’s best.
See Lionheart. See it, see it, goddamn see it.
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: None (I’m not going to count the guys that Attila apparently kills on the video tape).
Explosions: None.
Nudity?: Yes. It’s not that kind of nudity, though.
Doobage: A drug deal, cocaine snorting, an involuntary gasoline bath, col “man-on-fire” gag, post hammering, mail call, knife almost to the balls, back of the head slapping, sand to the face, knife through the hand, jeep stealing, chain link fence destruction, desert running, some serious likely body odor, coal shoveling, water diving, street fighting, sandwich hooey, more street fighting, a mega beat down, a wicked punch to the balls, a series of fights, weird music, public intoxication, limo hooey, a clothes shopping montage, a random background street arrest, guys on rollerblades, hot babe in sexy lingerie, a fight in a parking garage, thumb to the eye, fireman’s carry, windshield smashing, attempted strangulation via car radio antenna, a fight in an indoor racquetball court, guy kicked through a glass partition, public jogging, hot chicks in bikinis, a fight in an empty pool, attempted drowning, more jogging, lead pipe to the face, VHS tapes, feeding ducks, playground hooey, mega gambling, clothes folding, a guy that really looks like Ludwig Borga, broken ribs, a vicious headbutt, hand crushing, a back-and-forth brawl, some really bad public clapping, a lack of a big, final punch, and a happy ending that will make you smile.
Kim Richards?: None.
Gratuitous:Red underlines under every person’s name in the opening credits, North Africa, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jean-Claude Van Damme in North Africa, Jean-Claude Van Damme hammering posts into the ground for some reason, the French Foreign Legion, Jean-Claude Van Damme running alone in the desert, Jean-Claude Van Damme in New York City, Jean-Claude Van Damme fighting people on the street for money, Brian Thompson, a guy calling Jean-Claude Van Damme Lionheart, a homophobic attack, Jean-Claude Van Damme in Los Angeles, an asshole landlord, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Jean-Claude Van Damme’s ass, apples, rich bitch sexy lingerie, a Scotsman street fighter that wears a kilt, pigeons. A new bike with training wheels, a doctor telling Jean-Claude Van Damme that he should learn karate, a new stuffed animal, Hostess product placement, Jean-Claude Van Damme spinning kids around on the playground, a pet cat, a final hug, and a happy ending that will make you smile.
Best lines: “This is sugar! No shit. Yeah, no shit!,” “Neil! Neil! Neil! Neil!,” “I never gave up my family. Never,” “I need to see my brother,” “You are a real asshole,” “Cover your head, Legionnaire!,” “Get that fucking jeep!,” “America,” “So who is going to fight the next fight?,” “So who wants to take on the lion?,” “Boy, you a bad motherfucker with that foreign shit!,” “Well, if it ain’t old Joshua,” “Are you sure you want to mess up that face, handsome?,” “On Lionheart. All of it. And keep it between us,” “Hey, Lion! Hey!,” “I don’t think this is a good time to ask my Mommy,” “I wish it was just an old movie,” “It’s nice to have friends, ain’t it?,” “You told him to burn my clothes?,” “You know, people in New York are still talking about your fight,” “Cynthia, I’m not your toy,” “I’ll do it,” “I need to open a bank account,” “Mommy, does this mean I can get a new bike?,” “Looked good to me,” “Cynthia, you are one cold, sick bitch, you know that?,” “Helen, I swear, it’s not drugs!,” “Mommy, is he still a stranger?,” “And that’s why I can’t let you have Lyon just yet,” “Can We. Watch?,” “Mr. Lionheart. Welcome,” “Confidence. That’s what I like to her, man. You know what I’m saying?,” “Stay down, dammit! Stay the fuck down!,” “Wrong bet!,” “Great fight, Lyo,” “You definitely got heart, Lionheart,” and “I love you.”
Rating: 10.0/10.0
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Things to Watch Out For This Week
–The Equalizer 2: This sequel was one of my “must see” movies for summer 2918. I absolutely loved the first one and couldn’t wait to see Denzel Washington take out the bad guys once again. Part 2 isn’t as good as the first one, but it’s still pretty damn awesome. The fights (the fight inside the car is sweet as hell), Denzel’s big speech about living with what he’s done in his life, and Melissa Leo getting in some hand-to-hand nastiness. And Orson Bean is in this movie, too. Yes. Orson Bean. Hopefully this isn’t the last Robert McCall adventure.
–Peppermint: This action flick starring Jennifer Garner should be a badass movie watching experience. Garner is good at action, the director, Pierre Morel, did Taken and From Paris With Love, and the story seemed solid. Woman wants revenge on the criminal scumbags that killed her family. Who wouldn’t want to watch that? The actual movie, though, the actual Peppermint, is a mess. There isn’t enough action in it, for one thing. And what’s the deal with Morel not showing us Garner’s Riley North killing the bad guys? She should be doing that in every frame of the movie. Peppermint has its moments and plenty of potential, but, in the end, it’s just not as good as it should be. Still worth seeing, though. Rent it.
–Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 Collector’s Edition: Okay, so the fine folks at Shout! Factory/Scream Factory are releasing this classic bit of insane 1980’s slasher horror “perfection,” but I’m not entirely sure if it’s actually coming out this week. The Shout! Factory website says that there was some sort of manufacturing error producing this disc and, as a result, it may not be available at the moment. Still, if and when it does get released, the set will be worth it for the special features (there’s a commentary track with the director and tons of featurettes). That’s why I want to get this release. Scream Factory released the first Silent Night, Deadly Night on Blu-ray last year. Will we get a Blu-ray Collector’s Edition in 2019 of part 3, Better Watch Out?
–Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation Collector’s Edition: Shout! Factory/Scream Factory has been trying to release this Blu-ray Collector’s Edition for the last few months, but various delays have prevented the company from doing so (the cover had to be changed because it featured both Mathew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger and that apparently can’t happen for some reason). Well, now all of those legal issues seem to be resolved and the Blu-ray is finally getting released. The release, as expected, is full of special features, including a commentary track with writer/director Kim Henkel and multiple interview featurettes with people involved in making the movie. The Next Generation is okay, maybe a bit too weird for its own good, but it’s worth seeing at least once just to say that you saw it. And the special features seem awesome (that Henkel commentary track is a must listen, no question).
–Ice Cream Man: The fine folks over at Vinegar Syndrome are releasing this batshit insane low budget horror flick starring Clint Howard as a killer ice cream man. It’s gory, it’s unsettling, and it’s freaking hilarious. It also has Jan Michael Vincent in it. How many low budget horror flicks can say they have that going for them? This is a Blu-ray/DVD combo pack, and it has plenty of cool special features, including the old Monstervision/Joe Bob’s Summer School segments from when this movie aired on TNT. That’s damn cool. Any Ice Cream Man fans out there?
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Do you like Cult TV?
The 1970’s TV thriller Kolchak: The Night Stalker is first up! Check out what I think about the show with the links below!
Issue #1
Issue #2
Issue #3
Issue #4
… and coming soon: Street Hawk!
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B-Movie News
–What the heck is going on with the Jesse V. Johnson directed action ensemble Triple Threat?: Triple Threat, of course, is the big hooha ensemble action flick featuring Scott Adkins, Michael Jai White, Tony Jaa, Tiger Chen, Mike Bisping, and Iko Uwais. Action movie nerds have been waiting to see this since it was announced that it was being made. That was over a year ago. So what the heck is the deal? Where is Triple Threat? Well, via a story I saw over at The Action Elite, director Jesse Johnson answered that very question on Facebook. Apparently, the movie can’t be released “in the West” until its gets a release in China first, as a Chinese company/group funded it.
So we have to wait until China releases it. And when will that be? Who the heck knows? Johnson doesn’t seem to have any info regarding when that will happen, so we just have to hope that it happens in 2019. And, obviously, when that happens, the rest of the world can see it.
I mean, check out the trailer below. Why wouldn’t you want to see it? Why?
–Legendary Entertainment to make a Toxic Avenger movie?: Yes, apparently this is going to happen, at least that’s what the fine folks over at Bloody Disgusting are reporting. It’s going to be a remake of the first movie (the great Lloyd Kaufman is trying to get a fifth movie in the franchise made. He’s been trying to do that for years now). What sort of movie will this remake be? Will it be a serious sort of superhero movie? Will it be a sendup of the superhero genre? Will it be a horror comedy? Will it be as irreverent as the original? And who the hell is going to direct it?
And, really, is this actually going to happen? Toxie remakes have been announced multiple times now (one of them was set to involve Ahnold Schwarzenegger in some capacity) and none of them happened. Why would this remake announcement actually lead to something? I guess we’ll get a better sense of what this remake really is in the next few days.
And maybe we’ll find out more about Kaufman’s own part 5. I mean, that’s got to happen at some point, doesn’t it?
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Check out my Widow’s Point set visit report!
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Who is the Douchebag of the Week? Go here and find out!
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Next Issue: Van Damme December continues with Universal Soldier co-starring Dolph Lundgren!
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Interviews
david j. moore
Jino Kang
Vladimir Kulich
Paul Mormando
Michael Matteo Rossi
Tyrone Magnus
Hector Barron
Jeffrey Orgill
Michael Baumgarten
R. Marcos Taylor
Don “The Dragon” Wilson
Paul Kyriazi
Eric Jacobus
Juju Chan
Luke LaFontaine
Marco Siedlemann
Sam Firstenberg
Amariah Olson
Alexander Nevsky
Mathias Hues
Kristanna Loken
Steve Mitchell
Albert Pyun
Brad Thornton
Mathieu Ratthe
Damien Power
Kelsey Carlisle
Mike Dwyer
Nicholas Bushman
Brahim Achabbakhe
Etcetera
Richard LeMay
Andrew David Barker
Cynthia Rothrock
Leslie Simpson
C. Courtney Joyner
Eric Miller
Alexander Nevsky (2)
Christopher Lawrence Chapman
James Mark
Casper Van Dien
Chris Mark
James E. Wilson
Barry Hunt
Vincent J. Roth
Mathew Ziff
Brandon Tyler Russell
Barry Hunt (2)
Lobsang Tenzin
Dylan Reynolds
Paul Kyriazi(2)
Lincoln Bevers
Nassasin Nuri
Hannah Janssen
Harry Mok
Daniel Roebuck
Sage Croft
Stephen van Vuuren
Cheryl Wheeler Sanders
Eric Jacobus (2)
David William No
Nicholas Verdi
Luke LaFontaine (2)
Roger Yuan
Dominik Starck
Tamas Nadas
Tyler Savage
Robert McGinley
Tim Gouran
Billy Ray Brewton
Leo Scherman
Harley Di Nardo
Jino Kang(2)
Alexander Nevsky (3)
Steve Latshaw
Rick Hurst
Douglas Burke
Jeff Farley
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Well, I think that’ll be about it for now. Don’t forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.
B-movies rule. Always remember that.
Lionheart
Jean-Claude Van Damme– Lyon Gaultier
Harrison Page– Joshua
Deborah Rennard– Cynthia
Lisa Pelikan– Helene Gaultier
Ashley Johnson– Nicole Gaultier
Brian Thompson– Russell
Abdel Qissi– Attila
(check out the rest of the cast here
Directed by Sheldon Lettich
Screenplay by Sheldon Lettich and Jean-Claude Van Damme, based on a story by Jean-Claude Van Damme and an earlier screenplay by S.N. Warren
Distributed by Universal Pictures, MCA/Universal Home Video, Universal Studios Home Entertainment, and MVD Entertainment
Rated R for graphically violent fight scenes, strong language, and brief nudity.
Runtime– 108 minutes
