411’s WWE Raw Report 10.29.07

Evening folks and welcome to 411’s Raw Report!

Tonight’s show sees the fallout from last night’s tremendous Cyber Sunday pay-per-view!

The main event is a handicap match pitting Triple H against WWE Champion Randy Orton and the man Triple H pinned last night, Umaga. Can The Game overcome seemingly insurmountable odds, or will he fall prey to the champion and the Bulldozer? And what will Shawn Michaels have to say about all of this, after he was robbed of the WWE Championship last night?

Plus, Hornswoggle will go one-on-one with Coach! Is Vince McMahon back in the country? What impact will he have?

After Candice Michelle’s nasty fall last week, will another WWE Diva step up to the plate and challenge Beth Phoenix for the Women’s Championship?

And speaking of Divas, the 2007 Diva Search concludes tonight! Who will become the newest WWE Diva – Eve or Brooke?

What new developments will we see between Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes, a duo who seem to have a mutual respect while remaining rivals. What more will Santino Marella have to say about The Condemned? Will we find out why Trevor Murdoch saved Mickie James from a devastating clothesline last week?

And finally, will we be “saved”?

All that and more on tonight’s Monday Night Raw!

…Just minutes to go until Raw starts, so I’ll throw on a music channel… “Rock Star” by Nickelback! Great. Hey, Nelly Furtado’s in that video! So is Shawn Michaels Ted Nugent. Now there’s a Backstreet Boys video. Wait, Backstreet Boys are still making music?! The fuck?

Let’s get to Raw!

Cue the Raw intro complete with plenty of new shots.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are with us at ringside from Philadelphia!

Tonight – 2 on 1 Handicap match: Triple H vs. Umaga and Randy Orton!

WWE Divas Halloween Battle Royal

Because last night wasn’t enough, all the girls are out here in their costumes from last night. It’s chicks from all brands; to recap – Maria, Mickie, Torrie Wilson, Victoria (JR: looks like one of my ex-girlfriends), Extreme Expose, Melina and Jillian Hall, singing Britney’s new track “Gimme More.” Way to bastardize a good song, bitch. Oh and there’s Michelle McCool, too.

They all fight. It’s hardly worth recapping. Layla has a cat whip and whips Maria. Damn. Belly flop by Sumo Victoria. Layla is gone first. Someone tied Maria’s tail to the rope and she’s stuck. Victoria hits a Bonzai drop on Brooke who gets knocked out. Jillian gets cracked with her babies and is tossed. Torrie tosses Maria. Michelle gets dumped and we’re down to Torrie, Mickie, Melina, Victoria and Kelly Kelly. Melina and Mickie eliminate each other. Torrie sacks Victoria. Torrie and Kelly team up and get Victoria over the top. Kelly dumps Torrie and she’s your winner. NR.

Winner – Kelly Kelly

Beth Phoenix is out now. Kelly Kelly bails but gets thrown back in by Jillian and Melina. Beth beats on Kelly Kelly for a while. Double-arm chicken wing drop. Phoenix stands tall.

I do hope they don’t just spend the next few weeks having Beth beat up random Divas as opposed to using someone like Mickie to have a few good matches with until Candice is back.

We are treated to clips of last night’s Cyber Sunday, more specifically the WWE Championship match.

Michaels is on his way out. He’s up next.

Tonight – Hornswoggle vs. Jonathan Coachman

He thinks he’s cute, he knows he’s sexy and he’s got the looks that drive the crowd wild! He’s just a sexy boy!

Promo – “Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels

“HBK” chants from Philly! Michaels wants to thank everyone who voted him into the WWE Championship match last night. Having said that, he has good news and bad news. Good news first – once again he knocked Randy Orton out cold with some Sweet Chin Music. The bad news is he does not have the WWE Championship. Orton got disqualified. Michaels won’t brag about the size of his grapefruits. To him where it hurts, you have to have pinpoint accuracy, so Orton got himself intentionally DQed. But he won the match so he gets a rematch which he wants now.

Oh joy, Vince McMahon is here! McMahon gets all up in Michaels grill. He asks who wants to see the rematch and how many people want to see Shawn Michaels as the champ. Turns out there’s quite a fair few people. Vince asks Shawn what he’s doing. Michaels wants to know what he’s getting at. Vince says he knows Shawn wants to be champion because this time he won’t squander the opportunity and wants to be the greatest WWE Champion of all time. But he thinks there’s something else he wants just as much. He wants revenge. Vince says Shawn sat at home and watched the man who came “this close” to ending his career. Vince knows what Shawn is all about. He’s changed but he hasn’t changed. Deep down, Shawn has a rotten soul. It’s rotten to the core. There’s not a damn thing he can do about it. An eye for an eye. Vince wants Shawn to admit it.

Shawn admits it. He sat home for four months and left the industry on somebody else’s terms. In 2002 he swore he would never let that happen again. Next time he leaves it’ll be on his say-so. Orton tried to change that and he can’t have it. He wants to make Orton suffer and take him out. Shawn asks if he gets his rematch or not.

Vince says to be careful what you wish for. Survivor Series is an aptly named pay-per-view. Vince says he’s got it. Vince asks what he’s going to do with it.

Michaels tries to take Vince’s head off with Sweet Chin Music! Shawn was just teasing. Vince bails.

That was some great promo work from both guys; really intense stuff. I can only hope it doesn’t lead to another rivalry between Michaels and McMahon.

“Let It Roll” by Velvet Revolver is the official theme song for the WWE Diva Search. We can still vote!

Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team

Holly and Shelton start. Holly fights out of the corner but gets clotheslined and hammered with right hands. Shelton tags in Haas who goes to work in the corner with right hands. Holly comes back with a few chops but gets taken down. Crossfaces by Haas. Shelton in with shots to the gut of Holly. Haas back in and it’s clubberin’ time. Holly comes back and hits a dropkick. Tag to Rhodes who goes to the top and nails a shoulder block. Clothesline and a dropkick gets 1 for Rhodes. Cody nails some forearms. Shelton in and Holly takes him to the floor. “Y2J!” – Philly! DDT by Rhodes on Haas gets the 3!

Winners – Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly

Standard tag team bout.

Umaga and Randy Orton discuss things backstage~!

Tonight – Triple H vs. Umaga and Randy Orton

JR and King talk about Candice Michelle’s sick bump from last week’s show. She broke her clavicle in two places and they show the footage.

Beth Phoenix is with Todd Grisham. She says she has no regrets. What she did was make a statement. All the other Divas want to dress up and pretend to be something she’s not. Like Candice. All her training was for nothing. She can go and have some kids and wait on tables. Her dreams have been crushed by the Glamazon.

Trevor Murdoch is reading WWE’s new magazine. Mickie is here. She thanks Murdoch for pushing her out of the way last week. He says it was instinct and he did what he had to do; he doesn’t like seeing innocent girls get hurt. She says she really isn’t that innocent. DAMN STRAIGHT~! Lance Cade is here and Mickie leaves. Cade says she’s out of his league. He says Murdoch cost them the match because his head wasn’t in the game.

William Regal tells Vince we don’t need more injuries. That’s a shoot~! Regal asks why Vince made the handicap match. McMahon doesn’t want to see anyone get hurt – but with Triple H it’s different – it’s personal. Vince asks where the little toad is. Regal says he’s outside. He brings him in. Regal leaves. Vince says he hasn’t been around for Horny lately. He tells Horny he has to stand on his own two feet. Vince says he made the Coach/Horny match because he has a theory – every grown man should be knocked on his ass at least once in his life. Then you get back up. You get knocked down again, you keep getting back up. And so on and so forth. He says he should learn that if you’re a McMahon, you’ve gotta learn to hate. From your heart. Aw.

Hornswoggle vs. Jonathan Coachman

Lilian announces a special guest referee – Mick motherfuckin’ Foley!

Hornswoggle vs. Jonathan Coach Man (Special Referee: Mick Foley)

Foley checks Coach for foreign objects. Coach corners Horny. Horny kicks away at Coach’s knee and rides him. Coach recovers and tries a power slam but Horny fights out and runs into Coach. Dropkick to the face gets 1. Horn y misses an elbow drop from the first rope. Why I am recapping this shit? Coach strikes Foley and goes out to get a chair. Foley takes it off of him and decks Coach. Mr. Socko is out. Foley takes it off though. He has a little Socko for Hornswoggle. Testicular claw by Horny. TADPOLE SPLASH~! It gets the win! ½*

Winner – Hornswoggle

Triple H is with T-Grish. Grisham brings up the beatings that Triple H keeps taking. Trips thanks him for the pep talk. The odds aren’t in his favor but he always has an ace up his sleeve. If he goes down, he’s taking Randy Orton and Umaga down with him. He is The Game.

Apparently there was another “Save.Us” video, though it didn’t air in the UK.

Paul London vs. Lance Cade

Their respective tag partners are at ringside. What happened to the Highlanders again? Side headlock applied by London who catches a cross body for 1 before going back to the headlock. Cade nails a side suplex for 2. Clubberin’ time for Cade! Cade runs into a boot and eats a springboard cross body for 2. London lands on his feet off a back body drop and nails a standing hurricanrana but then gets sent through the ropes and to the floor. Murdoch sneaks up on him but Kendrick catches him with a suicide dive. London with a sunset flip for 2. Dropkick by London, but then he runs into a sit-out spine buster for the win. *½

Winner – Lance Cade

The Highlanders are here! They beat down London and Kendrick and hit the Scott Drop on both guys.

Jeff Hardy and DH Smith vs. Carlito and Mr. Kennedy

Smith is quite possibly the most generic looking guy I’ve ever seen. Hardy and Kennedy start things off. Collar and elbow tie-up into the side headlock by Kennedy. Jeff goes down off a collision but comes back with a hard clothesline and gets booed. Kennedy comes back and tags in Carlito. He beats on Hardy in the corner but the Rainbow-Haired Warrior comes back with rights and nails a mule kick for 2. Jeff turns an attempted Monkey Flip into a pin for 2. Smith tagged in now and he begins working the arm of Carlito. Knee to the gut by Carlito and he chops away at Smith in the corner. Smith gets telegraphed but manages to back drop Carlito and send him to the floor. Kennedy gets sent out by Hardy as we head to the break.

We’re back with Carlito synching in an Indian death lock on the legs of Smith. Smith comes backs with right hands causes some separation. The DH stands for Davey Hart apparently. Kenned comes in and continues working the leg. Carlito in now and he jars the knee of Smith for a 2 count. Kennedy back in and he goes right to the leg and gets a nice dragon screw. He goes for a second one but Smith nails an enziguri. Hardy gets the tag, as does Carlito and Hardy takes Carlito down twice, and a third time. Carlito nails Jeff with an elbow but gets caught with a Whisper in the Wind for 2. Kennedy misses a facewash on Smith! Carlito goes for a Backstabber but gets caught in the Twist of Fate. Swanton Bomb! It’s over! **¾

Winners – Jeff Hardy and D.H. Smith

Tonight – Triple H vs. Umaga and Randy Orton

Promo – Santino Marella

H wants to make a formal complaint. WWE Travel screwed up his flights so he couldn’t come to Cyber Sunday. So he was prevented from giving Stone Cold a piece of his mind. But at least the in-flight movie wasn’t The Condemned. GLASS SHATTERS!

Austin’s on the titan tron! Oh but it’s just Santino dressed up. “Austin” and Santino go back and forth. “Austin” says Santino was right and if anyone disagrees he’ll open up a can of de ass-whip. Santino thanks Steve Austin. He maybe a lousy actor but he has an eye for talent. Maria is out. Santino says he will be here next week. Santino asks who. She says Stone Cold Steve Austin. Santino laughs it off. I think we’re done here.

Diva Search Finals

The finalists are Brooke and Eve. They are on their way out here. T-Grish is on the stage. I’ve just been informed that wrestlezone.com are copying ad pasting my play-by-play. Hopefully they’ll not proof read it and this’ll make it to their shitty site – wrestlezone.com sucks! Wrestlezone.com can suck my dick! Anyway, Brooke looks WAY hotter. She reminds me of Claire from Heroes, and that ain’t a bad thing, folks. The fans are just shitting all over this.

The winner is… Eve!

Wonderful.

There’s that “Save.Us” promo. The number 19 flashes up a lot. I’m actually bored of it now. I’m all for taking time to play out angles, but when it’s the same thing on every show, every week for a month or more it gets boring. It’s like Mark Henry squashes, y’know?

We get an advert for Steve Austin on Raw next week.

Handicap Match – Randy Orton and Umaga vs. Triple H

Judging by the time right now, this won’t last long.

Orton steps out because Umaga wants The Game one-on-one. BRAWL~! They slug it out and Triple H gets the better of it until Orton nails him from behind. Triple H slides out and tosses Orton over the rail. Back in and The Game hangs Umaga up and sends him to the floor. He brings Orton in and beats him with rights. Triple H avoids a splash and Umaga hits Orton. Clothesline takes down Umaga. Pedigree on Orton, but Umaga comes from behind with a headbutt to stop it. They hammer away at Triple H in the corner. He tries to fight back but gets caught by Umaga who nails a Samoan Drop. Orton goes for the Garvin stomp. Splash by Umaga. They’re just stomping and punching away at him now. Shawn Michaels is here and that’s a DQ. *

Winners – Umaga and Randy Orton by DQ

DX clean house and stand tall.

In the back, Vince says it always turns out how he wants it to. Next week, it’ll be DX teaming up for one-night only. He must mean Billy Gunn is coming back to Save Us!

Well that was as weak a finish to Raw as I’ve seen.