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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: Dry Bones (2013)

February 10, 2015 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #344: Dry Bones (2013)

Debuary: A Month of Debbie Rochon: Week 2

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that isn’t afraid to go somewhere near there, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number three hundred and forty-four, the second Debuary: A Month of Debbie Rochon continues with Dry Bones, a low budget horror comedy that came out in 2013.

Dry Bones (2013)

DryBones

Dry Bones, written and co-directed by Greg Lamberson, is a nifty horror comedy starring Michael O’Hear (he also co-directed the movie) as Drew, a disturbed man trying to make sense out of his messed up life. After watching his father die under extremely mysterious circumstances (dude was pulled under Drew’s bed and murdered by a killer demon. Or did something else happen?), Drew was spirited off to a mental institution and put under heavy medication. Thirty or so years later, Drew is back in his old home with his sister (Rebecca, as played by Kathy Murphy), visiting and trying to figure out how to really move on with his life. Rebecca is happy to have her brother back in town, and Drew’s old pal Tom (Paul McGinnis) is glad to have him back in town, too. And Drew has some good luck a few days into his visit when he picks up a hot babe at a bar. He takes her back to his old house, has sex with her, has a good time, and thinks he’s about to start the next stage of his recovery. But then Drew wakes up and finds himself lying next to a dried up skeleton.

Yes, a dried-up skeleton. Something killed the poor woman, sucked the life force right out of her. It’s the same thing that Drew saw happen to his father back when he was a kid. But Drew’s therapist told him that what he remembers happening didn’t happen, that it was all a part of his imagination and his way of dealing with the loss of his father. But then what the hell really happened, then? Drew leaves his house in a panic and goes to see Tom. Tom lets Drew hang out at his house for the night. They’re friends, it’s what friends do.
The next day Drew talks with his therapist and tries to wrap his head around what he experienced the night before. Drew’s therapist asks him if he’s still taking his medication. He isn’t. She tells him to get back on his pills. Drew doesn’t want to but he eventually agrees to get back on his pills. After taking those pills Drew goes back to hanging out with Tom at the bar. It’s at this point that Drew runs into his old crush Michele (Debbie Rochon). Michelle is happy to see Drew and starts telling him about her life (she’s going through a bad separation but is trying to work things out with her husband). He tells her a little about his current life but he’s content to just tell her that he really, really, really liked her back in the day. He tries to kiss her while walking her home but she freaks out on him. Michele doesn’t want to have an affair. She wants to get back with her husband. Drew tries to apologize but Michele walks away in a huff. So Drew goes back to his house and finds two more dried up skeletons in his house. It’s Tom and his girlfriend Cindy (Jessica Zwolak). Jesus Christ, what the hell is going on?

One thing you’ll notice about Dry Bones is that it has a very deliberate pace that doesn’t really speed up even when the situation Drew finds himself in escalates. I was surprised that when the monster finally shows itself the movie doesn’t kick into a higher gear. It doesn’t get any bloodier, either, which is something you don’t see all that often with weird monster movies (and Dry Bones is, at its heart, a weird monster movie). I was also shocked at the lack of nudity. Outside of the somewhat see through lingerie that Rochon wears towards the end of the movie there is no skin in the movie at all. That’s a fascinating strategy for a low budget horror flick. No nudity? How the hell does that work? It actually works quite well. I didn’t think it would, but it does.

The flick’s comedy is rather low key, too, and is embodied in the performance of star and co-director O’Hear. His dialogue cadence is a tad strange at first but you get used to it and you start to enjoy it. O’Hear’s Drew is a seriously damaged person who is really just trying to get through life. His voice and demeanor may be the result of overmedication but even without that you get the sense that he would still be scared of women and life in general. And when he starts to fight back at the end of the movie you will cheer and cheer loudly. O’Hear is simply fabulous here. Just amazing.

Rochon essentially plays three characters in the movie and excels at all three of them. The Michele that meets Drew in the bar is one character, a mysterious figure that shifts between being revolted at the idea of being with Drew and then very, very into the idea of being Drew. She also plays the evil life sucking monster that lives under Drew’s bed, a creature that forces Rochon to act under a ton of nasty looking make-up. Her face will give you nightmares, and when she squeezes her saggy breasts you will lose your lunch (it’s like someone stepping on an overstuffed éclair).

Paul McGinnis is great as the goofy Tom. He leaves the movie too early, though. I would have loved to see more Drew and Tom in the bar. And it’s a damn shame what happens to Jessica Zwolak’s Cindy. She’s gorgeous. The only character I didn’t care for was Carl, as played by John Renna. Carl is Drew’s brother-in-law and a cop who may or may not be suspicious of Drew. Renna is kind of boring as Carl, and you can see what happens to Carl coming from a mile away. I would have rather seen Carl leave the movie fighting and acting like a psychopath. The “head” effect, though, is very cool (you’ll know what I’m talking about when you see it).

The special effects are generally good. The dried up skeletons look like dried up skeletons. And Rochon’s monster make-up is just amazing to look at. I can easily see the face make-up becoming a Halloween mask. I know I would buy one if it was offered. The whole “succubus” thing is also kind of cool, too. It makes you wonder how many more of those monsters there are out in the world (sequel?).

Dry Bones is a damn good horror comedy that, if you give it a chance, you will enjoy it. It’s a little slow at times but the top notch performances by co-director O’Hear and Rochon make up for the somewhat lackadaisical pace. Just give it a chance. You will dig it.

See Dry Bones. See it, see it, see it.

So what do we have here?

Dead bodies: 6.

Explosions: None. It’s not that kind of movie.

Nudity?: Sort of. It all depends on how you look at Rochon’s sort of see through lingerie.

Doobage: Off screen yelling, a drunk asshole father, an under the bed off screen murder, a house filled with garbage, a cleaning house montage, a garage filled with stuff, weird voices, a mega hot blonde, a nasty dream, a nasty phone call, a people drinking and having fun montage, a night walk, off screen sex, urination, a lame interrogation room, fondling a dry corpse, premature aging, a mirror, rolling up a dried up skeleton, dried up skeleton burying, a kiss, slow, intense sex, monster nipple goo, more weird monster sex, monster fellatio, a flashback, mild homophobia, a flip out, total head destruction, attempted fellatio, mirror breaking, and a weird ending.

Kim Richards?: None.

Gratuitous: Fangoria magazine, domestic abuse, lava lamp, “Dem Bones,” cleaning house montage, spaghetti, kitchen dancing, Debbie Rochon, beer that appears to be in orange soda cans, a nipple ring, a total lack of nudity in the sex scenes, an internet video, dried up skeletons, Debbie Rochon as a monster, monster fellatio, and a weird ending.

Best lines: “Goddamit, Linda!,” “Welcome home, Andy,” “I’m glad that you came to visit. You don’t seem that disturbed to me,” “What the hell?,” “Andy, come to me,” “Seriously? You guys are so weird!,” “I need a place to crash,” “I’m a man. I can handle the smell of some paint,” “Andrew! Do not speak to me in that manner!,” “Well, I’m not a choirboy. I wanted to get laid,” “I heard this place was haunted,” “Just tell me how to kill the whore,” “Ii swear to God if you ruin this for me I’ll roast marshmallows all over this place,” “It’s good to be wanted,” “Am I still perfect? Suck me! Come on, suck me!,” “I’m gonna suck you dry!,” “Tell me I’m perfect! You’re perfect!,” “Shoot her! Shoot her now!,” and “Swallow this!”

Rating: 9.0/10.0

**

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: The Facebook Page!

Please check out and “like” The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page, which is here. If you don’t, Debbie Rochon will seduce you, then turn into a giant demon thing and suck the life force out of you! I’ve seen it happen and it’s pretty messed up!

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page! Yeah!

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Things to Watch Out For This Week: Part 1

Predestination

Predestination: The Spierig Brothers, of Daybreakers fame, are behind this sci-fi flick starring Ethan Hawke. The movie did receive a small theatrical release not that long ago, which is a shame because the movie looks awesome and I bet it would have made decent money if it had a wider theatrical release. And with how great Daybreakers was, you would think the Spierig Brothers would have earned some clout when it comes to getting their movies out to as wide an audience as possible. And Ethan Hawke, he’s up for an Oscar this year. He’s a big star. Shouldn’t that count for something, too?

Nightcrawler

Nightcrawler: I missed this thriller when it was in theatres, which I’m kind of annoyed about because, based on everything I’ve heard about it, I missed something cool. Jake Gyllenhaal looks very creepy in the trailer, and the premise is something we haven’t seen in a movie since, what, 15 Minutes? Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence?

FearClinic

Fear Clinic: This low budget horror flick is based/inspired by the old Fearnet web series of the same name. It stars the immortal Robert Englund, who also starred in the web series, and is directed and co-written by Robert Hall, of Laid to Rest and Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2 fame. The web series was very cool, and based on the trailer below and the reputations of everyone involved this is a definite must see event. I am definitely going to make an effort to check this out.

FrankensteinVsTheMummy

Frankenstein vs. The Mummy: This low budget horror flick looks both fun and kind of ridiculous. But then, with a title like Frankenstein vs. The Mummy you sort of expect it to be ridiculous. That shouldn’t keep you from checking it out, though. As far as I’m concerned that kind of thing is a plus.

ZNationSeason1

Z Nation Season 1: The fine folks at The Asylum produced this zombie show that recently aired on the Sci Fi Channel. I didn’t watch it, but I wanted to. It looked kind of cool, and the reviews I read it for were surprisingly positive. It’s clearly not The Walking Dead, but then it doesn’t have to be to be worth checking out. Anyone out there watch this? Is it any good?

**

Do you watch Constantine?

ConstantineTVshow

Check out my reviews of each episode aired so far below!

Pilot Episode.

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5

Episode 6

Episode 7

Episode 8

Episode 9

Episode 10

Episode 11

Episode 12

**

TV Quick Hits 

Rosie O’Donnell is leaving The View: It was announced late last week that O’Donnell would be leaving ABC’s The View to focus on both her personal health and her marriage, which is apparently falling apart (that’s what US Weekly said, anyway). She is expected to finish out her run this week and then after that, presumably, ABC News will start testing possible replacements for O’Donnell, unless the network news division already has a replacement in mind and is waiting to announce that replacement with O’Donnell’s last show. So, will O’Donnell get a big send-off this time, or will her last show be sort of low key? And will ABC, either publicly or through “sources who can’t tell us their names because they’re not authorized to speak on the show,” admit that the O’Donnell return was a giant goddamn disaster?

Because that’s what it was. A disaster. Of epic proportions. As soon as the “new” host line up began it was obvious that they had no chemistry and that O’Donnell was back to stir up shit. And while she tried to create those big moments every single one of them felt like a forced bit of bullshit. O’Donnell’s heart never seemed to be in it, either. It always seemed like she knew why she was there but, after a few weeks, she just couldn’t do it and she knew it. She made an effort, sure, but, in the end, it was all just a big waste of time.

It didn’t have to be that way. Instead of trying to engineer controversy, ABC News could have let the new team just do the show. If that had happened maybe the new show wouldn’t have been such a chore to sit through. And the whole thing is a damn shame because O’Donnell can be warm and funny and interesting (and kick ass when she has to). That’s what the show needed with O’Donnell back.

Now, don’t be surprised if ABC News learns absolutely nothing from this and doubles down on its disastrous strategy of “creating controversy.” I have no idea how ABC plans on doing this but it will try to. Whoopi Goldberg needs to come to the show’s rescue. She needs to get in someone’s face at ABC News and explain what the hell is really going on. She clearly knows.

And Rosie Perez needs to be replaced. She’s a great actress but she’s a terrible talk show host. She just doesn’t have “it.”

And good luck, Rosie O’Donnell. Hope you figure it all out soon.

ElReyNetwork

The El Rey Network is pretty awesome. It is: If you’re a B-movie nerd and you haven’t checked out the El Rey Network, good God you need to do so immediately. The network, the brainchild of the Robert Rodriguez, got started at the end of 2013 and is slowly picking up cable partners around the country (it’s on both Dish Network and DirecTV, too). It’s the home of the From Dusk Till Dawn TV show, The Director’s Chair, the Lucha Underground pro wrestling show, and reruns of The X-Files, Dark Angel, and now Miami Vice (Starsky and Hutch was on the channel but I think it’s gone). It’s also the home of kung fu movies (apparently Rodriguez was able to get his hands on the entire Shaw Brothers movie library) and “grindhouse” movies (Blaxploitation, Italian giallo and zombie flicks, spaghetti westerns, and various action and horror flicks from various decades). El Rey may be, in many ways, the best network on television.

Is anyone else with me on this? Is anyone else excited about the Valentine’s Day marathon of giallo and, I guess, Italian zombie movies? Is anyone else loving the idea of having actual classic kung fu movies, uncut, on TV?

I would love to know why it took so long for a network like this to happen. It seems like a no-brainer programming strategy. But it took Rodriguez to do it. The B-movie loving world needs to make sure that this channel stays cool. If you have access to it you need to watch it as often as you can. You need to “like” the channel’s Facebook page. And you need to tell your fellow B-movie nerd friends all about it, just in case they don’t know about it. If we don’t support it El Rey will go away and become some lame ass channel, like a wimpy version of USA. Does the world really need that?

No, it doesn’t.

Come on, everyone! Ride with El Rey!

**

JasonF13th7NewBlood

Coming Soon

**

Things to Watch Out For This Week: Part 2

VideoNastiesDefinitiveGuidePart2

Video Nasties: The Definitive Guide Part 2: This is, I guess, the sequel to the first Video Nasties documentary that chronicled the “video nasties” controversy in Great Britain. Based on the trailer below this particular documentary spends quite a bit of time talking about how Child’s Play 3 allegedly inspired two 10 year old murderers in Britain and how that event helped along the video censorship movement. Anyone out there see the first Video Nasties?

IslandOfTheLivingDead

ZombiesTheBeginning

Island of the Living Dead/Zombies: The Beginning: The now late but always great Bruno Mattei was behind these two 1980’s Italian zombie flicks. Island was a video store staple back in the day, but I don’t remember ever seeing The Beginning. The fine folks at Intervision are releasing both of these movies.

PokerNight

Poker Night: Ron Perlman and Giancarlo Esposito appear in this low budget slasher flick that has one of the greatest posters/DVD covers of all time. I mean, what better way to explain what your movie is about than with a scary guy in a leather bondage mask holding up playing cards? It explains everything.

BrotherhoodOfBlades

Brotherhood of Blades: This appears to be some sort of modern historical martial arts epic. It looks amazing, but then most historical martial arts epics do. And you can’t go wrong with that title. Anyone see this in a theatre anywhere in the world?

RPGRutgerHauer

RPG: I don’t quite understand what this sci-fi movie is about, but then Rutger Hauer is in it, so based solely on that I’m willing to give it a shot. People are playing a real life video game/”role playing game” type deal here, right? Is that what’s going on here?

**

Who is this week’s Douchebag of the Week? Go here and find out! You may have to scroll around a bit but it’s there!

**

NASCAR and Indycar thoughts

We are roughly one week away from the start of the 2015 NASCAR Sprint Cup season with the Sprint Unlimited exhibition race this Saturday night at Daytona. The race is set to go for 75 laps, which is a ridiculous length for an exhibition race. The rules for entry into the event seem to change every year, and due to the rules changes for 2015 there will be 25 cars in the race. The event will have fifteen of the sixteen drivers that made the Chase in 2014 (A.J. Allmendinger will not be in the event because his JTG Racing team didn’t know they were eligible for the event until December and were unable to find sponsorship for the race), former Sprint Unlimited winners, pole winners from 2014, and former Daytona 500 pole winners who competed for a full season in 2014 (the “Danica Patrick rule”). And on top of those drivers, Casey Mears, Clint Bowyer, and Paul Menard will also be in the race.

The race length is too long. A race like this should be no longer than 30 laps at the most. The race should also be limited to pole winners from the previous year and no one else (if there “aren’t enough” cars in the race then you can add previous Unlimited winners). A 25 car, 75 lap race is just insane for what amounts to an All-Star race. It needs to be short, sweet, and to the point. A shorter race will force everyone to race hard to try to get to the front. That scenario will likely produce a great, or at least just an exciting, race. But NASCAR doesn’t seem interested in that. Neither does Fox, which will broadcast the event.

If both NASCAR and Fox want more racing to fill up air time, why not do a short non-qualifiers event before the Unlimited, like fifteen laps or so? The winner of that event or the top 2 can then move on to the big race at the back of the field. This is not difficult to do.

And the All Star race at Charlotte in May should follow the same short race formula. I can’t even explain to you how that race is even conducted. There’s just too much shit going on. Make it short, sweet, and to the point. Force the drivers to kick ass as soon as possible. That will bring in viewers and that will bring in more exposure. Again, this is not difficult to do. It just isn’t.

ARCA also starts its 2015 season at Daytona this Saturday with the Lucas Oil 200 airing live on Fox Sports 1 at 4 pm EST. ARCA usually has a decent race at Daytona. It’ll be interesting to see if one of the ARCA regulars wins or if an ARCA newbie shows up and takes the trophy. It really could go either way.

Over in Indycar, the series confirmed early last week that the 2015 season opener has been officially moved to the street race in St. Pete as a result of the cancellation of the Brazil race. There could be an addition to the schedule later in the year to make up for the loss of the Brazil race, but I’m not counting on that happening. With the series reluctant to stage an event past Labor Day some potential tracks, both oval and road course, just don’t have the time or the calendar space to plan anything. There has been some talk of adding a race at Laguna Seca, but if that were to happen it would have to happen during the summer proper and not in the early fall. The Indy Lights Series is set to end its 2015 season at Laguna Seca on September 12th and 13th, but that’s past Labor Day so Indycar won’t go for it.

Of course, Indycar could add a race at Iowa, do a double header weekend, but that’s an oval so that won’t happen, either. I wouldn’t be surprised if the series manages to finagle a second race out of one of the street course events, like Toronto. I guess we’ll know soon what the series really plans to do.

Racing season is almost here! Yeah!

**

Next week: Debuary continues with Won Ton Baby! (2009)!

**

Well, I think that’ll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that.

And don’t forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.

Dry Bones

Michael O’Hear– Drew
Debbie Rochon– Michele
John Renna– Carl
Paul McGinnis– Tom
Kathy Murphy– Rebecca
Kevin Van Hat Trick– Bart
Kim Piazza– Linda
Jessica Zwolak– Cindy

Directed by Greg Lamberson and Michael O’Hear
Screenplay by Greg Lamberson

Distributed by Entertainment One
Not Rated
Runtime– 90 minutes

Buy it here