A Fool’s Utopia 1.3.13: Nine 2013 Predictions
I’m getting all the mileage out of my prediction last year that George Lucas would sell Lucasfilms to Disney during my first column of 2012. Nevermind that any of the other “stories to watch” had any relevancy during the year – I’m banking my reputation on that one. Predictably, that very column has evolved into a predictions column. Without further adieu, I give to you ten predictions of the serious and not so serious variety for 2013.
1. Disney will announce the release of the orignal Star Wars trilogy, un-enhanced on DVD
Say what you will about Disney as a corporation, but as I always say – nobody knows how to get your money better than Disney. This makes so much sense on two levels. 1) They will make a shit ton of money. 2) It’s perfect promotion for Episode VII because it not only gets the fans back in a Star Wars mentality, it also reminds them of the storylines leading into Episode VII. I’m not saying these DVDs will be released in 2013, but the announcement will be coming.
2. Either Paris Hilton, Brittney Spears or Winona Ryder will be back in the news for all the wrong reasons
When I first started writing A Fool’s Utopia back in 2007, the trio of Paris, Brittney and Lindsay Lohan were making tabloid reporters and paparazzi very rich. While Lohan has continued a steady downhill fall, Paris and Brittney have managed to rehab their image somewhat. Winona Ryder has been out of the news for awhile as well. I see a fall from rehab for one of these ladies, it’s just a matter of which one.
3. Jessica Simpson will not lose her baby fat after giving birth again
This might be more a prediction for next year, but I think Jessica likes eating more than she does exercising. Welcome to 99% of the world population, Jessica. I see a Kirstie Allie-ish future for Mrs. Simpson.
4. Rihanna and Chris Brown will be secretly married…and divorced before 2013 is out
The first part is going to happen for sure, in a private surprise ceremony that the media and public won’t know about until it has already happened. We know that Rihanna can get the shit beat out of her and not care, so it will take something of the caliber of Chris Brown cheating on her to get her to file the divorce papers. Of course that’s going to happen – this is Chris Brown we’re talking about. They will be divorced at the end of the year, but still hooking up.
5. Kim Kardashian will fart and 411mania will run it as the top story in the Movies/TV section
It would make sense. Has anyone ever been more famous for doing nothing than Kim Kardashian? Everyone seems to be fixated on her ass, which I just think is kind of gross. I don’t know anyone who cares as much about Kim Kardashian than 411mania. With her pregnancy, she will lose control of some body functions – right? This will happen.
6. Sequels to several 80s and 90s sitcoms will be announced as “in production.”
Like anything else, Hollywood is full of copycats. The hype surrounding Girl Meets World has been pretty phenomenal considering it was a sitcom that had good, but not great ratings when it was first run. Look for at least rumors involving the kids cast of shows like The Cosby Show, Charles in Charge, Head of the Class, The Wonder Years, Family Matters and/or Step By Step.
7. No one will give a crap about celebrities jumping from high places.
America has a way of surprising me with how obsessed the general populace is over dumb things, so this has a chance of blowing up in my face, but I’d like to think that celebrities jumping off a high dive is just so insanely stupid that even Americans won’t watch it. They don’t watch the professionals high dive, so why would they care about celebrities?
8. Stephanie Meyer will realize that no one cares about anything else she writes and will announced that she is working on a new Twilight book before the year is out.
This one is a slam dunk. You know that Meyer’s creation of the Twilight series stems from long nights by herself in high school reading The Vampire Diaries while everyone else partied. She’s had a taste of relevance and she’s not giving it up that easy.
9. A sex tape starring Jodi Sweetin will find its way to the internet.
This is more wishful thinking than anything else. I’ve made this “prediction” each of the last 4 years. Who would have guessed that the awkward looking Stephanie would turn out to be the hottest of all the Tanner girls?
1. To add to my 2013 predictions, here are a few New Year’s Resolutions I’ve made:
a. Finally get caught up on The Walking Dead before it comes back from hiatus.
b. Work the phrase “hot patootie” into my lexicon.
c. Tell at least one stranger that I like her boobs – while not drunk.
d. Get over 200,000 on either Pac-Man or Mrs. Pac-Man
e. Impregnate someone from a 1980s sitcom.
f. Make a million dollars.
g. Shave more often.
h. Keep my interest in Final Fantasy XII long enough to actually finish the game this time.
i. Watch a few episodes of Dr. Who so I can understand what all the fuss is about.
2. Neve Campbell has had a strange career. There’s no easy transition into this, so I just blurted it out. If you knew me in real life, you would know that I have no social skills whatsoever and this is a common move for me. I was just reading her “thoughts” on Scream 5. No matter what she says, there will be a Scream 5. The franchise is still making money and they opened a whole new can of worms when they made a fourth film – but that’s all besides the point.
Neve was a darling of the 1990s with a popular TV show and several big movies, the biggest of which, of course being the Scream franchise. Then she just disappeared. A lot of actresses do that. They disappear, get some life experience, maybe start a family and return to acting years and years later. I can’t exactly put my finger on it, but Neve is somehow different. I think it is because no one ever thought the Scream franchise was really over and that she would inevitably return – which she did. Because of that, I think people think she was still a big star and active throughout the 2000s. She wasn’t. Look it up. No one remembers anything about Neve Campbell in the 2000s unless you’re the guy who knocked her up.
3. SPORTS THOUGHTS:
a. Though I’ve rooted for them all season long, as one of my friends said, I never drank the kool-aid with this batch of Indianapolis Colts. It seemed too good to be true. I’m a pessimist by nature. A trip to the playoffs after just sitting out one year? What I loved about Week 17 was the fact that Chuck Pagano came back and played all of his starters in a game that was meaningless to his team. I don’t know if it’s because the team is so young or because of his return, but I hope that is a pattern that continues. It seems like a fad now to play your players in Week 17 even if you don’t need to. I remember too many years where Manning and Co. sat out the last game or two only to come out rusty in the playoffs.
b. I know I sound like a homer, but I think the Colts GM Ryan Grigson should win Executive of the Year. John Elway will probably get it for luring Peyton Manning to Denver, but in his first draft, Grigson hit a homerun the likes Bill Polian hasn’t seen for a decade. Andrew Luck was a gimme. To pull talent like Dwayne Allen, Vick Ballard and TY Hilton in as well is impressive. His next move, I hate to say it, probably needs to be replacing Adam Vinatieri.
c. My playoff picks this weekend – all home teams save for Seattle. I’m a little worried about momentum being on Washington’s side and a trip all the way across the country but if anyone can stop RG3 – I think it might be Seattle. I do think both the Colts and Bengals have a shot at the Ravens and Texans, respectively. The Colts are just happy to be there. I think the Texans rally after having pissed away the #1 seed. I have to take Green Bay, since I picked them to go to the Super Bowl.
4. I hope everyone had a successful New Year’s Eve. It was a strange one as I spent New Year’s Eve in a bar for the first time. It’s such a weird phenomenon, the ball dropping in New York on New Year’s Eve. Why should people in the middle of Indiana care about what goes on in Times Square? We do and that probably has a lot to do with Dick Clark. It was even stranger not seeing him on TV, but instead Carson Daly. I have to spend the rest of my life watching Carson Daly in Times Square on New Year’s Eve? I have conflicting emotions.
5. Here’s how I know technology has rotted my brain. When clicking on random Youtube videos, sometimes an advertisement pops up. I get pissed because I have to wait 30 seconds to see the video that I wanted to see. Sometimes the advertisement offers you a link to skip the advertisement all together but you have to wait five seconds for that. I get pissed about that too. This is coming from a guy who grew up with no way of watching anything on demand – not even a VHS collection. The closest I ever got was the 100 times a week showing of Big Trouble in Little China when we were lucky enough to have HBO.
USELESS TRIVIA AND SHAMELESS PLUGGING
LAST WEEK’S USELESS TRIVIA
What popular zombie movie was originally pitched as a week to week television series?
ANSWER: Zombieland. Before The Walking Dead was ever thought of, Zombieland was pitched as a weekly TV series. For some reason, it was never picked up but elements of the series like “The Zombie Kill of the Week” made it into the movie.
THIS WEEK’S USELESS TRIVIA
What four NFL teams have never participated in a Super Bowl?
THIS WEEK’S SHAMELESS PLUGGING
It’s a little late, but when we released it, our Christmas episode was still in the middle of the holiday season. Check it out and subscribe on iTunes. It’s free and entertaining. For our Christmas episode we reviewed the Dutch horror movie Saint Nick. Up next: The Sleepaway Camp franchise.
Our second podcast, Zombie Reckoning has been up on The Horror Palace Network for a week now. This is the BATTLE OF THE TRAGIC ENDINGS in which we put Night of the Living Dead up against The Mist in seven different categories in order to declare a winner. It’s a close battle. You can access that show here. Again – free of charge!
THIS WEEK IN RETRO
I don’t know how this happened. I’ve prided myself on being the utmost authority on Peanuts specials amongst my circle of friends (okay, that really just means that I occasionally quote It’s the Great Pumpkin and know most of the food items on the table in A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving). Somehow, someway, I didn’t know Happy New Year, Charlie Brown existed until last week. It makes logical sense. If Arbor Day has a Peanuts special, common sense should tell you that New Year’s Eve/Day does as well.
Luckily for me this 1986 special aired on ABC last week and I was able to watch it. I avoided sure catastrophe that way. The special begins one minute before winter break and Charlie Brown proclaiming with one minute left there is no way that the teacher can give them homework over break. Never underestimate teachers. Not only does Charlie Brown get homework, but he has to read and do a book report on War and Peace. Too bad for ol’ Chuck that that internet wasn’t around in 1986. The rest of the episode revolves around Charlie Brown trying to read his book while all of his friends do the kinds of things people do on New Year’s Eve.
As you can see from the video above, Peppermint Patty was hosting a big New Year’s Eve “boy ask girl” party. As she tries to wedge herself into getting asked by Chuck (thus proving the “Peppermint Patty is a lesbian” crowd wrong), Charlie Brown wants to ask the red-haired girl, who is given a name in this special – Heather. When not playing musical chairs, Charlie Brown is reading his book at the party, falls asleep and misses the red-haired girl showing up. For some reason, even though they are in the same class, Linus doesn’t have to spend his entire time reading War and Peace — and he gets a better grade than Charlie Brown.
There’s a reason this special isn’t as highly thought of as the Peanuts Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas specials. Even though it was written by Charles Schulz, it just doesn’t hit the mark like the others do. There’s a reason for that. New Year’s Eve is more of an adult holiday than one that has a bunch of nostalgia attached to it. It would be hard to try and write a special about kids celebrating the holiday. Root beer and awkward dancing abound. For a kid who had self esteem issues, Charlie Brown has no problem mixing it up on the dance floor.
The special was run with You’re a Skater, Charlie Brown which follows the exploits of Peppermint Patty as she tries to win an ice skating competition. The less said about this special the better. It’s one of the worst that I’ve seen.
23 Years Ago Today
January 3, 1990
“Another Day in Paradise” by Phil Collins
Girl You Know It’s True by Milli Vanilli
The War of the Roses
I must leave you now.